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I can't break the cycle
April 8, 2001
11:31 pm
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deetee
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Bob 4 cont: Sorry if I let loose a little I don't trust any psychiatrist I have ever met. In 30-minutes your labled and this little pill will fix ya just you wait and see...
I will visit the webs you suggeted and consider the book as well. I have to be careful and find a balance because I obssess about finding my {magic cure} too, and when I get to much anxiety about never finding it than I get those crazy thoughts . . . the ones that scare people like me.

Just to let you know I have been reading on the web about bi-polar and boderline personality disorder . . . now that one scares me.

Ladeska: Happy Palm Sunday. I've been thinking alot about your comments I thought you should know that.

Goodnight my friends and God bless you all.

When I wake in the morning I will start with a bunch of affirmations the weather will be favorable and the sun will shine . . . even if it doesn't. Thankyou all. Tonight I don't feel like a freak . . . I feel some form of peace and it is because of your sharing.

April 9, 2001
11:51 am
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....you're not a freak at all. You're "just human". And we have sooo much power at our fingertips and we don't even realize it.. Not the kind of power that goes out and conquers the world per say, but the kind that conquers this inner world....(smile) You're getting there....God will "not" desert you. Will just use new means to bring clarity IF you do indeed search and I see that you very much are. So...withat equation in mind - it's already "done" right? It's God's will to deliver you and if you ask sincerely and don't sabotage it but really look up and not at your navel - then - He Will Answer. He don't stutter. It's done....already...even if - you can't see it. The invisible - wields a mighty sword. Don't be forgetting that. You just have to unlock the gate and sit in expectation.....instead of sitting in that posture that says....oh, I know I'm not worth it, I'm screwed, you don't understand me either, blah, blah, blah. So, um...how in the world can you get the Fedex package when you won't go to the door when the man delivers it? Right? (smile) Full of myself this morning, aren't I? Yeah well...gotta go drink more coffee and then I'll really be powered up!!! (snicker)

April 9, 2001
9:18 pm
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....how are you today? I'm sitting up here on my mt. (literally, I live on top of a mountain) and thinking about something that I try and put before me every day. Doesn't work, but when it does - it just sends this flood of "calm" over me and that's when I do my "I am grateful for" list. My roommate and I just had a visit from a guy who is a parapalegic. Got shot by his girlfriend 6 years ago. He was a rocker, guitarist, had everything going for him, etc. But, it sure is wonderful to be around someone like that who makes you get a new perspective on things. Makes me go to another mountain and take a look...

I think sometimes we just don't "access" the juice that we could squeeze out of so many things in our lives. Juice that would certainly rain on the parade of some negatives we've go going on. So...was just sitting here going...Hey, I can wiggle my toes!! I can also runn over to that tree if I want to, etc., etc. This guy just brought so many things "home" to me. Made me smile inside, made me realize that I have so much to do something "with". Sure I have my handicaps, no doubt. But, they haven't stopped me yet! (smile) You just gotta plug into all the wonderful things you are....and stop beating yourself up with the baseball bat! Sure, we're all a little screwy, but believe it or not - God isn't turning His back on you... He really is...still sitting at the table, looking directly "at you", just like you've always wanted someone to do...He's got a pretty cute "motherly side" to Him, btw. Has mothered me - oh so much! And I was a brutally frightened child who would shoot you...if you tried to love her. Trusted "no one"....with reason. I'm not that way anymore....He finally conquered me...was way too much of a love bug. Couldn't resist. (smile) Okay, I'm done, just wanted to share that with you. Not sure why, just blabbing.

April 9, 2001
10:30 pm
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deetee
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Hi friends, o.k. for better or worst i'm trying the med thing again. I've been on this one before however my (new) pscyhiatrist in training believes I'm bi=polar and swimming upstream without a paddle if I don't take my Flintstones every day.
Tommorrow morning when I wake, I have decided, starts a new beginning of SELF CARE. I really mean it folks. I'd like to give myself a little break. The weather is getting warmer and finally the sun has shined. God do I need to see and feel that suns warmth.

Ladeska: I love the mountains. Some times I go up in the winter by myself and stay over night in a shelter just to challenge myself, keep from freezing, and be in total solitude. I have seen somebreathtaking sites in the past few years. This is where I go when I think I'm losing it. I find a high peak, meditate and pray for the Lord's guidance and direction.
I figure He hears me better when I'm this high. Maybe He even sees me clearer. (haha).

I always ask the Lord to send me the Holy Spirit to guide me and tell me the path that I must take because most of the time the right choice is so very unclear (I'm also the king of ambivilance. . .undefeated 2-years running). Recently there was a time I prayed for the Holy Spirit to give me a sign, a direction with some clearity because I am so stuck. I asked this prayer for about 6-months 3 X a day.

I guess I got very angry when there was no definitive answer and this is why I think there is a God who helps others but for some reason he will not be there for me.

I hear that I must have faith. I've decided to try and calm myself, take it easy and not be soooo judgemental and when my thoughts get a little less chaotic, foggy I'll ask again.

My friends I can't tell you how greatful I am that I have found you.

You are all beautiful people and I am so glad that you are there and listening.

Goodnight. When I wake the sun will shine . . . even if it doesn't.

April 10, 2001
11:40 am
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....got thoroughly pissed off last night at my roommate's computer. AOL kept disconnecting me, which meant everytime I wrote something, I lost it. Grr... So, I decided to wait until I got to work to write to you.

Yes, the mts. are awesome, huh? I worked on Capitol Hill 3 yrs. ago for 2 yrs. Couldn't wait to get back to the ocean and the mts. Me and the east coast - don't mix. Had a cute little coyote come up in the pasture the other night. Young little guy. Was yipping his head off, all by himself. I went out with the flashlight and we talked back and forth for quite a while. He yipped, I yipped back, was pretty cute. Then, I had a run-in with a mt. lion about a month ago. Was real foggy, one of the dogs was barking furiously. I went down to where they were and both of them were up on a huge boulder together. Didn't see the mt. lion until I was right up on it. About 5 feet away and he was above me. At any rate, I made alot of noise, threw something at the rock, breaking it, banged on the metal fencing with a sickle and called the dog off the boulder finally. Funny, I wasn't scared and I guess the mt. lion wasn't hungry. I twisted the collar on the dog and drug him to the house, but we walked, didn't run. The mt. lion just left. He was a Big guy. Guess he appreciated the "pest" leaving. Not sure I could ever live in town again. Love the wild.

You know...sometimes we ask for an answer and it's right under our nose. I've had that happen alot. But, there's one crucial element missing here, if we are going to discuss spiritual matters and that is - if He's not your Savior then it's a little hard to have a relationship with Him, right? You guys aren't "connected".... That would be a good reason why nothing is happening....doesn't mean that He's not "wooing" you though. (smile) I see alot of that going on. He's a charmer, too.....charmed me and that was no easy task let me tell you. So, you just keep on keeping on playing hide and seek over there, okay? I suspect that He will keep hunting you down....no matter what kind of roadblock you set up. Funny little creatures aren't we.....crying in our cornflakes that we can't hear God when all the time we've never plugged in the plug. (LOL!) Go ahead though, run with that ball..... He can outlast you, outrun you and will still be standing even when you're not - with nothing more than "love" in the outstretched hand. But.....we have to exhaust ourselves and for the person that likes to be in control.....that could take awhile....then again.....your spirit could win out over your ego. Miracles happen every day. (yes, I know....I'm a butt) I do have a rep. to protect though. (smile) Will send you a writing of mine in the next message. Hope you like it.

April 10, 2001
11:42 am
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Ladeska
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The Great Conversation

by Ladeska

Communication is by nature, simply a river that flows. If it does not flow, it is not a river. It is a stagnant pond where all things which support life dies and all things that are contrary to life abound and flourish consuming everything within. A damned up body of water eventually implodes and does so - with - our permission.

A body of water, which has only one way outlet through which the water is poured out, will eventually empty itself. A body of water that only takes in water without an outlet, will eventually overflow it's banks and other outlying boundaries.

The essence of the word "flow" is characterized by an open channel with boundaries, balance and harmony. This cannot be accomplished by any other road, than by self-knowledge and acceptance, and by the discovery that we are in need of an outside force that is greater than ourselves. We are the open-ended vessels through which life passes "through us." This surge of power, most often - redefines our boundaries, balancing the harmony that was there - in the raw.

The art of communication begins with a discussion that transpires with our Ego and our Spirit. The Ego, who is the hunter and the gatherer, talks to the Spirit, who tends the fires of the heart and plays the music of all inspiration. This courtship must clear the floor of all else that supposedly matters. Because all else, will never matter, if this sacred union is not completed.

We have needs in our ego state of being. Our stomachs growl, our muscles flex and we bound with energy to conquer and dominate. We are quick with our intelligence and the pride that soon follows. We see what we want in yonder clearing and we reach out and take it, while our spirit watches from a distant window in a very lonely abode. She sings but is seldom heard, because the object of her affection is so very fascinated with himself. Time speeds ahead and warns of impending doom, but Ego brushes it aside, having no real respect for time. It is not a welcome visitor in the realms of all that is young and fresh.

Such is the state of a body of water that is slowly being cut off from the inlet and the outlet. All seems peaceful and the reflection of vanity becomes increasingly clearer in these stilled waters. This pleases Ego and he is seduced by the reflection of his own power and might, hardly noticing the death that is happening just below the surface.

Ego fishes for food here and notices that the food supply is steadily dwindling. He also finds that the fish are becoming marked with disease and the water for drinking is getting cloudy and filled with particles. But, Ego becomes entranced with his own image once again, because now the pool of water has become deathly still and his reflection is that of a perfect mirror.

Not only can he see his reflection rightly, but he can also see the stillness of life beyond the surface. In fact, stillness is all around him. What used to be a flurry of activity around this life-giving river, now turned pond, has shifted away to other places and Ego is consumed with his inner aloneness. He now hates his own reflection and true implosion has its grip around his throat. What he has worshiped has not fulfilled him and he blames himself and his lack of power and strength.

In the distance he hears a familiar voice, which he hasn't heard in a very long time. Spirit is singing a song Ego remembers well and such music turns bitter to his ears the minute that he hears it because he is so very parched inside. The beauty of its clarity actually wounds him. He did not, until this moment, realize that the reflection was true indeed, because he is the pond. Now as he lay feeling the life ooze out of him, he falls into a dreamlike state and remembers seeing - the road not taken. He sees the face of Spirit and he recognizes his need of her, his need to be fully connected, to become One. He deeply wishes that he could turn back the hands of time, the friend that tried to speak to him before and he turned away. For the very first time - he hears because he is........listening.

In one second of time, he learned more, than all his yesterdays or all his tomorrows. It takes a little bit of dying in order to realize that you can truly... live in the moment you are in. Ego makes his way home to the fires where Spirit is waiting. He crawls into the door and lays limp upon the floor and for the first time ever, he doesn't feel embarrassed that he has little strength or power left. He has realized that he has needs that cannot be fulfilled if he is split into two separate halves that do not know or honor one another. He also realizes that he is not the sustainer of life. He is the keeper of the vessel. Life now opens itself up to dimensions never before realized. The Great Conversation begins and the river begins to flow.........

April 10, 2001
6:45 pm
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Ladeska
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P.S.....alot of people assume I am speaking of a man and a woman. I'm not. I'm giving Ego and Spirit gender identification.

April 10, 2001
11:13 pm
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Hello my friends and especially you Ladeska. Thankyou for giving me so much of your time and thought. I think alot about all the ideas you have presented me. I wish I could think of a saying bigger and better than "thank-you" to express to you just how affected I am by the attention you have givin to my personal struggle. I know one thing is certain . . . you'll see His Kingdom. {if you haven't been there already).

Thank-you for the writing: The Great Conversation. I printed it and I'll have to sleep on that one . . . remember I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I will contemplate the advise about my spirit and ego. I think right now I have to get beyond being angry, it shouldn't take much longer . . . the rafe is clouding my thoughts right now. . . stealing my sleep too.

Not all is glim. I'm doing what is right, or at least trying real hard.

Goodnight my friend. I feel a sense of peace tonight. I think I will sleep well.

April 10, 2001
11:17 pm
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deetee
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Spell check:
rafe= Rage. God I hate that word. Must have been subliminal.

April 11, 2001
11:14 am
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....well, just like in nature.....when we watch it....a damned body of water that's become plugged and sick goes through that process of tearing apart the dam on both ends and then there's a process of the water coming back to life again. But, in the realm of faith - it's already done, my friend. You're just caught up in that "time element' thing. (smile) If you ask it and in it's in God's will - which a whole lot of things ARE - then, it's done. You should rent Lady Jane sometime. Is sad at the end, but so much exquisite depth in it. And there's a scene where her and her husband sit at a table and bust glasses on the floor saying "It's Done". I always think of that when I mention the thought above. I love her character. Lady after my own heart. LIttle spitfire.

So, yes, the rage must pass through you.....btw, if you could name your rage....what is it? What is it about if you don't mind sharing......no thank you is needed......just God's way of circling around with His big arms and hugging you. Thank Him. You have to remember something here.....when He knows we are ready to "receive", He sends the package....airmail. Alot of times we "think" we are ready to receive but we're still studying our navel, talking a mile a minute, not listening, pacing back and forth, cursing God - all the time asking for His help, trying everything we can do to sabotage it or attach our own name to whatever, etc., etc. So......we cry wolf alot about "I've asked God and nothing has happened!!!" He's pretty smart though....."knows us intimately".....can't get much over on Him, though we try like crazy. He's onto us. But, the killer thing is.....He waits us out until that little window opens just a crack.....and He comes in like the mystery He is....no, not all is glim at all.....quite the contrary.

April 11, 2001
3:17 pm
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Ladeska
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And another thing "Mr. DeeTee"....please knock it off with how you're not the brightest bulb on the tree thing. Geez.... whether you understand what heck I'm babbling about or not - has nothing to do with how intelligent you are or are not. But gauging from what I've seen from you here - you're no dummy. So stop it already with the negative self talk.... Funny thing is - I don't understand half of what I write!! LOL! Sometimes I write something like the thing I sent you here and will give the writing ot someone...come back later, years even, find it at their house, read it and go - who wrote this? They say - you did. I'm like - Huh? I don't remember doing this and the funny thing is - I will see things in it that I never understood before about me or life. Sometimes....I think we try too hard with our conscious mind, when our subconscious understands "many" things. I'm kinda comical in that - I may write something like this that even I don't understand and then go out and do something that I get accused of being a dumb blonde for! (chuckle) The thing is our ability to perceive and understand....changes all the time - depends on our own growth, our ability to concentrate at that moment, the chemical stuff going on with us, blood sugar (smile) PMS stuff (which you guys do, too) , is it cloudy outside or not, etc., etc. That's why I do alot of writings in my counseling that I do because I can "leave it with them" and then they can read it over the course of time.....

Btw, been meaning to ask you.....do you suffer from that thing (can't remember what it's called) but basically it's someone who needs more sunshine...isn't a flourescent bulb kind of person. It really affects some people's moods quite drastically and special lights can be acquired and put in your office, in your home to help you with that. I know when I was on the east coast - and had previously been on the west coast - I got slowly depressed and down in general the more I stayed there, and I know for a fact it was the lack of sunshine that I enjoy out here. I moved back to Callie and perked right up. On the east coast, I was going to work in the dark, coming home in the dark, too hot in the summer to get out much and too cold in the winter. It's a big deal for some people, just thought I'd mention it.

April 11, 2001
4:41 pm
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...just read what I wrote....too many typos, hope you can read it. Really wrote like a blonde today, didn't I? (smile) I need chocolate....

April 11, 2001
11:39 pm
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deetee
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Hello friends/ Ladeska:
Ladeska. Yes I can read every word and understand it too. I'll take your advise and rent "Lady Jane". I've been using video's to help break my obssessive thinking and give myself a break. You see (and I'm sure you understand} I'm sort of a perfectionist and I can't rest till the jobs complete sort-of-guy. So the video thing I will definately do.
Let's see if I gave rage name it would be "Justice/Retribution".
When I get full of anxiety (historically) I ge6t this overwhelming desire to go out and find some "bad guy" and beat him just hthis side of death. I rationalized it (if you can handle that concept rationlizing the irrational) by thinking I have to unleash this rage and it's o.k. as long as I do it on a really despicable person who (deserves it). I have read your postings to others and some of what you have shared with me and I have fantasized about coming out to your territory and and gathering a list of all of those who have violated you and torturing them. Because I have such a hate for people who are cruel to others. This is a sick little game I play in my head all the time. I have since I was about 18 years old. I look back 18 years to notes written by a therapist in which I stated I wanted to be a vigilanty and go out at night and beat "bad" people so I can "feel" like a man because I feel like such a coward.

Before you get too worried about me I have never actually physically assaluted anyone or cause physical harm {beyond what is lawful to gain compliance}, I just historically have fantasized about "Justice/Retributtion".
Sorry about all the mis-spellings I'm exhausted and I can't figure out how to spell check this program.

Anyway . . I have't checked into the sunlight thing however I always get depressed when the sun-light doesn't shine for long periods of time. And every October as the leaves die and it get's dark and wet I get severely depressed. I feel incredible lonely. Don't ask me why. . . This year was particulary bad . . .came very close to the nut house.No offense to anyone one that what I call it.

O.K. Ladeska right to the point . . . Yes I'm dancing around the idea of receiving Christ. I'm affraid to do the REAL WORK.
I'm affraid to do the first step to break my addiction . . .which would be NO WOMEN/RELATIONSHIPS . . .because I DON'T LOVE MYSELF HOW CAN I FIND A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!

Yes I read all the books but as someone mentioned previously (and you did too in you elouquent way), I don't do the inward thing.

MY therapist calls me her biggest challenge because she doen't know how to reach me. She says(and she right}:

"You've lost your children, financially everything, you've at times jepordized your carreer, You stay in abusive,unfulfilling relationships with women that you know are lying and betraying you and are totally incapable of healthy love, or otherwise so needy that they will drain your giving nature and ultimately not meet YOUR needs because they can't, Yet DEETEE you'll go back to {them} time and tme again."
Ladeska it is true, I just broke up with a woman who I've been struggling with for 1-year. The relationship has never been good. She lies to me constantly. She has betrayed me. Yet I (think) that I love her and for the umpteen time I've broken off our relationship and what do you suppose I did . . .Oh of course . . . I started another relationship this week . . .Why?

Because I have an overwhelming fear of being alone. I can't bare the thought of no one to care for, no one to stroke my feathers and show me affection. No one to give me sex (my high, my drug. I keep incredible busy so that I am never alone not even for a minute.

Yes I know what I have to do and I've asked a therapist and God and medication to do it for me . . but gosh dang it . . .(they) haven't done their job. I've convinced myself that I can't do it on my own.

What am I affraid of? I have know idea but the fear is truely more than I {think} I can take without going "nuts".

I can imagine people reading this and finding my problems so rediculous however my pain and fears are REAL, my rage stays deep within me and knowone knows it exists. Each day I face the challenge of losing it and hurting some one who is the right "trigger". I'm affraid of my strength (physically). I've shattered windshields with a single punch and when I'm angry my strength is incredible, I drop people twice my size and they can't believe how easily I did it. I see it in their eyes. That's my rage . . it is powerful. I feed it power every day.

I want to end on a good note though. I have a sense of peace tonight. Thank-you for listening and letting me express myself.

Sorry about all the typo's. Goodnight my friends.

April 12, 2001
12:43 am
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Ladeska
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DeeTee....thank you for sharing all that....I knew it had a name...I can understand that rage actually, I've carried a good bit of it with me for many years. Or at least the shell of it. I guess God got the pit out of it a long time ago. But.....I've always been "the soldier". And it is, as you so eloquently say - about justice/retribution as well. But, I know....what caused mine "and" Christ has been with me for a long time. I shudder sometimes to think where I'd be otherwise. Dead, I'm sure, or not someone you'd want to know...I have enough "reason for hatred" to light up New York and then some. And that's just covering the first few years of life.

But, because I let Him....God took the weapon out of my hand. He knew that the bullet would eventually find "my head" and He was right, as usual. The thing is, DeeTee - toxic stuff goes all the way through - once it is unleashed and whatever hit you that was toxic has been eating all the way through you since it hit you. You've been trying to cap it, stop it, misdirect it - but it's not working - you just have to compulsively do it harder, sit on Pandora's box with more might, stand taller, clean your house better, be a more righteous enforcer, be a better Dad, and the list goes on and on....

When sin touches us....as a child...someone else's sin - that is horrible traumatic to us....it's stain is lethal to us. It eats at us and we try to fix it..even with our little child mind, we put dinosaur bandaids on it and dress up in our soldier outfit with cap guns and stand guard over a bully we can't see.

That's where the power of Christ and His blood comes in....it's the only thing that eradicates "absolutely" this toxic stain on us. Nothing that we can manufacture will dissolve what has hurt us, has infected our very core.

I don't know what hurt you so bad, and you probably don't know either, at least not consciously. I will say one thing and you probably know this already, but if anything of a sexual abuse nature happened to you as a child, you'd probably be the very last man alive to admit it. Guys don't talk, little or big. We've taught our men, our little boys in this society that if something like that happens to them - they are MEN and it wasn't supposed to happen to them and if it does - then you act like men and never breathe it, never talk about it, never deal with it - YOU JUST GO ON!!! Most of all, guys are taught that even a male two year old should have been able to have stopped it. We are worse on men in this arena than we are on women and society is really nasty to us women in that regard. Oh, your little gingham dress you were wearing at 7 years old was too short, or you shouldn't have been so nice to your uncle when you were 9.

Sounds silly? It's true. I've witnessed it. At any rate, I had to say that. And even if it did happen to you - you might not remember at all and no, there's no need going looking in a closet for ghosts at this point. I know you're scared of Christ, DeeTee. And I'm amazed that you think it's "work". What I'm speaking of as far as accepting Him - isn't about "work". Believe me, I deeply understand all that you have said about your rage. I have a strong nature about me that sometimes when things happen that go down bad - I'm the first one out of the gate when everyone else is going...what is she doing? Doesn't she know that's dangerous? I don't even think twice about it because for one - I was raised in so much danger on a daily basis growing up that I learned a long time ago - losing my life - was no big deal, it could happen anytime. I also learned....no one is taking it until God says "it's time". (smile)

Yep....I can completely understand in a female kind of way - your frustration, your rage. I don't need to know why it's there...I know there's a reason....rage like that doesn't just happen all by itself. There was a cause and there is a "cure". There is "one"......that knows what to do with some injustices in this world. Is what I call - the absolute "heavy". Has all the grace in the world, is a complete gentleman, loves us each and everyone to our core, but also leaves the door open and doesn't push. But, when all the chips are down and the last hurrah is over....justice will be served....because the long arm has always been extended. Our will is loose here....but the way home - is also there.

Your ability to be vulnerable here really touches me. I need you to know that. I know this isn't easy for you... I see in you a little child that was brutalized in some way and is trying his best to be the stand up guy and fix it... My heart hurts for you. I know you've got alot of strength in many ways and you're using all you've got in order to stand against this internal rage. When you want to let it all go and meet Christ, let me know. It's really not that hard...(smile) Btw, if you want to write me at my email address at any time..it's [email protected] And do know that what you're saying to me isn't abnormal or strange. It's actually a story that I've heard many times before. It's the white knuckles on the door going NO, NO - you can't come in, I'm taking care of it!!! NOOOO!!! (smile) ah yes....I am familiar. I am also familiar with a love that this world really doesn't know.....I have had some of the most, shall we say, strange experiences...things that really can't be explained any other way except that - God did it. Has saved me too many time to count from many things. And....has rained retribution on some people who have hurt me. Was kind strange to walk off later and look over my shoulder and go WHOA!!!! ouch! Not to say that always happened, but the times it did - felt kinda good! He's a Daddy though, have to remember that one. And, I may not be anyone else's little girl in this world - but I'm definitely "His".

So, write me wherever you want to, just please keep talking. You're not hopeless, kinda comical to me that you might think you are. Um, no.... And contrary to your belief - you won't go nuts - if you open Pandora's Box and let the only one who really has a gun...."in". He's also got bandaids that really do work! No dinosaurs either.

You're too funny about coming out and taking care of all my enemies. You'd be busy for a long time. (smile) I had to let go of that poisonous snake a while ago. Almost didn't. I'm rather hyper vigilant, too. God's done alot of healing and work on me, but I have my moments when I kick butt and take no prisoners. Let's just say - I've always been known as the mom that no one wanted to mess with. I was also the mom that had about 20 kids at any given time in my house and I was the biggest kid of all of them. However....when something bad went down, I was usually the first parent up to bat and often - the only one that went to bat against or for whoever. I found that - rather sad, but did it anyways. I wasn't always in the right either. Sometimes, my "righteous" anger got the best of me. I can be a little street fighter and really have to watch "that one". (smile) I get jerked back by my pony tails with God - quite a bit.

Well, I'm going to bed now...sitting here rambling, afraid to look at typo's. EKK! If anything, it's nice to know there are people out there who get disturbed when bad things happen to people. Would be nice though if you could identify somehow that you've been so wounded.....that little boy inside you is trying awfully hard to be brave, to be strong and to stand guard...has been doing it for quite a while now...

Good night, sleep well.. Btw, have you ever heard of anything called Cal-Max? Heard it was great for sleeping. Is calcium and magnesium mixture and helps alot of other ailments as well. Geez, I sound like some late night infomercial here...man, I do gotta go to bed!! (smile) thanks again for sharing...

April 12, 2001
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Hello my friends/Ladeska:

Ladeska thank-you for offering me your e-mail address. I don't know much about computers (other than how to print reports) I will try to e-mail you, I can't seem to get that e-mail thing down though, however I appreciate that you trust me enough to offer this opportunity.

I'm sort of out of touch with modern times. I haven't watched t.v. in about 5-years, never read the news paper, or check out current affairs, if I hear some noisey D.J. start yapping on the radio I throw in a tape . . notice I didn't say c.d. I hear they can install them in cars now (haha).

I figure my head is full of enough depressing toxic crap, I don't need this screwed up society to refill me with more filth.

I wish this computer was hooked up to an ultimate truth machine. That I could ask it to answer my life long search for the truth kinda questions and it would spit out the valid answers.

O.K. back to reality. I rack my feable brain questioning why won't you accept Christ? What happened in the past that was soooo traumatic? What are my thoughts that cause my rage, depression, low-self-worth. Why do I think every one else is better than me, and that I have to try so incredible much harder than e eryone else to be accepted?
Why is having a woman more important than anything in the world to me?

MY biggest question is what in my mind tells me, and I can almost here the words, . . .You can never be happy. Try as hard as you want no one will ever love you haha your not worth it.

The sexual abuse thing. I don't know. I have thought about that too. Maybe? I guess I'll never know. My sister said that she remembers real dad used to litterally throw me into the walls and door. She said she remembers seeing him do this and I guess one time it was so bad that mom finally left him for good. I was 2.

But the sex thing is part of my lock to woman. I only felt close enough to 1 woman to reveal this dark side of me and worked up the courage to ask her to help me play this out, it was the girl i've been seeing for the last year . . . she ultimately betrayed me by telling others my "sick sexually fantasies". She hurt me sooo deeply and embarrassed me in my work place . . . Yes EVERYONE I work with knows every flipping weird fantasy I have . . .because I elected to become involved with a womman who works side by side in my proffession and trusted that she would never disclose our personal life no matter what. The things she told people were sooo embarrassing I never even told my own therapoist about them. I didn't want anyone on earth to know I think this way. I spent from December 22nd 2000 until about Jan 14th wanting to put a bullet through my head. And the sickest part of this whole thing is I GOT BACK INVOLVED WITH HER AFTER SHE DID THIS TO ME. I forgave her because I loved her this much. OOPs my therapist said it's addiction/infatuattion it's not love.

I know it's not love . . . It feels like love to me. It hurts like love. But I guess I don't know the first flippin thing about what love is.

I have these real abnormal sexual fantasies which I always want to act out . . . they have to do with a woman hurting me sexually and talking badly about me. I get off on that, then when it's all over I feel REALLY SICK about the whole thing, and I think yeah that voice is right . . . I'm no good, I'll never be loved, I'm a freak, etc.

O.K. any Frudian's out there . . . what's all that baggage supposed to mean?

Hell I figure I may as well go for broke here.{haha}.

Ladeska I'm o.k. don't worry about me I know you do. I can feel you inside me. I think you are an Angel.

I feel peace tonight. I have to sleep now. Goodnight.

April 13, 2001
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DeeTee....LOL! Oh no, not the "angel" thing again! My daughter would roll if she heard that one! That's an ongoing joke with the two of us. Everyone says that to us. Alien maybe!! (chuckle) I keep looking for the mother ship but I guess they dumped us off for heap big "long time"! I hate it when they do that, then I have to suck up to the big giant head and can never figure out which eye to look at ya know? is annoying.

Well...the sexual fantasy thing smells of abuse somewhere along the line. And to be quite honest, sounds like it came from a woman. Eek! Guess I probably shouldn't have said that one! But, just my thoughts on it. It's obviously a way for you to get in touch with something that you're very confused about. Someone was supposed to love you - that didn't and maybe used you for sexual reasons. You got stuck in that place and have never been able to get out of it. Actually, it makes sense because if it happened to you when you were young - you'd definitely be stuck about right where you are. Um...you're an authority figure that's supposed to love me...but you do these things to me...I try to connect to you, but this way of connecting - hurts me. Therefore, you keep wanting to return to it because somewhere in all of it you think - love is there somewhere for you. And the bottomline is - who knows? You do, but don't remember. And I probably should not even be sharing my suppositions with you. Just makes sense to me - this scenario.

I can't believe your girlfriend did this to you...how humiliating!! She's got issues of her own. What a butt!! Rather insecure I take it. And no, I'm sure she goes to great lengths to assure people that she's totally in control. What goes around comes around though. Just like a boomerang. BAM!

You've had some huge hurts in your life, DeeTee....I am so sorry...you didn't deserve it. No one does. And it is apparent that whoever was in your life as authority, parental figures didn't know the first thing about love because you'd know something about it - if they did.

Have you ever discussed the realm of sexual abuse with your therapist? Have you or them ever brought it up? If so - what happened?

As far as email goes, you can just go to yahoo.com and think click on mail and set up a mailbox. It's free. Pick out a name, password and "go". Just go to create a new msg thingie and put in [email protected], type out a subject if you want to in the subject line and then start typing in the box and push send. That's it. When you want to go back in just do your name and password and click on inbox to see your mail. click on the messages to open them up. Then hit respond to talk back and then hit send again. That's about it.

Do you ever read books? If so, I have a couple for you. One is People of the Lie, by Dr. Scott Peck and I really wish you would go out and buy this one. You can find it anywhere. Great book. Would be helpful for you. The first chapter is kinda corny but after that - it rocks and rolls. Not a book you read fast, that's for sure - sets you to thinking about so many things.

Funny about the T.V. thing. My daughter hates the news for the same reason. I watch it just enough to know what's up and that's it. I studied in depth, many things - years ago - about what is going on on this planet. She freaks out now when things happen in the news and she goes....um, Mom....you told me this would happen ten years ago.... but, alot of things are depressing and I know enough to make anyone depressed about what mankind is doing and where we are headed. Not sure why it doesn't freak me out, it should. Just doesn't. I guess I know what God has planned for those who love Him, too. (smile)

Don't worry too much about why you can't arrive at this place of "accepting Christ". You try too hard, DeeTee to do alot of things. Relax...let the peace grow in you, keep searching and God will make Himself known to you. It's that simple. One thing about Him - you don't have to perform..... although, I sometimes do...and that's just because I get bored and figure God could use a laugh!!! So, I do things like put on a fairy godmother outfit and go cause havoc at the local hospital! Perform my little heart out and later go..."i did what?" I look at the pictures now and go...and I wasn't even on drugs.

People used to say in college when they were passing around the drugs...Pleaseeeee, don't give "her" anything!!!! We don't want to see her on drugs! She's bad enough - just being semi-normal!! I kinda get a kick now out of leading people on about - my being "normal" and then watch their faces when I am really "myself"! Here I am supposed to be this real professional chick and all of a sudden - I don't know what happens...guess the squirrels fall off their pedals upstairs or something because I just go off the wall for no apparent reason and bust everyone up or make anal retentive people go into convulsions. Is rather comical....and precisely the reason I do it. Like I said - I get bored and people annoy me sometimes, so fair is fair, ya know?

Well, you get some good shut-eye and I'll talk to ya later, eh? Glad to see that "peace" is hanging out with you.... Um, I don't worry really...you need to know that. I pray. And you better watch me on that one, because He has a habit of answering them. (smile)

April 13, 2001
8:57 pm
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DeeTee.

I see that you wrote:
"I rack my feable brain questioning why won't you accept Christ? What happened in the past that was soooo traumatic? What are my thoughts that cause my rage, depression, low-self-worth. Why do I think every one else is better than me, and that I have to try so incredible much harder than everyone else to be accepted? Why is having a woman more important than anything in the world to me?" It sounds like my questions to me to a tee (no pun intended)some years ago. I've found many answers (satisfying for me) along the way since. All of which form an integral part of an ever expanding and at the same time converging jigsaw puzzle.

Have you ever had a close encounter with Mahayana Buddhism? I am not a Buddhist. But I am presently five weeks into a dual meditation/teachings course on Chinese (Chen) Buddhism. I've learnt that Buddhism is all about the understanding the mind, compassion, and alleviation of suffering in self and in others in the 'now' as well as in our future 'nows'. So far I've been able to fault nothing. This is very unusual for me. 🙂 And... it seems to work so far! Its simplicity and yet profundity has staggered me. Universities and Christianity didn't have that effect on me, I can assure you. 🙂 But, it's a case of 'horses for courses' - I guess.

April 14, 2001
12:44 am
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deetee
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Hi friends.
No i have never considered or read anything aout Buddhism, thanks Tez for mentioning it. It is worth my considering and I will.

Thanks Ladeska for mentioning the book People of the lie if you reccommend it I will be sure to read it.

It's been a long exhausting day and I went to a play tonight and had a few glasses of wine so I'll have to keep this short I have to get up in 4-hours for work.

OOps it was worth it I feel good . . .a little tipsey but good.

I'm going to bed peaceful again tonight. that may not sound like much to may people but a restful sleep is something I have not experienced for many months.

Goodnight my beautiful friends.

And Ladeska I still think you are an Angel, you can't fool me.

I'll probable e.mail you this week end when I have more time.

God bless you.

April 14, 2001
1:28 am
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DeeTee...."I know" what you mean about a peaceful nights rest being a big deal... I understand that very deeply. Glad you had a good night. My day was spent cleaning out the garage, catching a lizard and playing around with the horses. Just a normal day in the life of a mountain woman. (smile) Going to babysit my Godchild tomorrow for a little while and then it's off to the beach with my daughter. She's such a bundle of sunshine. Can't even begin to say how special she is. God picked His most lovely flower and gave it to me - when He came me - her. I am very, very blessed. (smile)

April 14, 2001
11:02 am
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Oh Duh! another typo...when He "gave" me her, not came me her! LOL!

April 14, 2001
10:42 pm
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Ladeska Happy Easter. I get the kids tomorrow for 2-days, I just got done putting their baskets togehter. I think they look real nice and the kids will love them.
I'm tired as you know last night I was oput a little late for a guy out of practice.

I'm very codependent today, did some dumb things without thinking.

I have to begin to grow up emotionally and take resposibility for my actions. I'm going to church tomorrow. I'm going to thank Jesus for His suffering and I'm going to try to reflect on that to help me break this addiction. I pray that something happens within me to move me enough to want in my mental thoughts to work at breaking this addiction.

I am hurting myself and others, I feel really guilty and confused. MY thoughts are completely irrational, I'll fill you in after Easter. I can't ruin His day.

I can picture you with your daughter on the beach . . .that 's my favourite place with my children. I'm sure she is blessed to have a mother as caring and FULL of LOVE as you.

Good night my friend.

April 16, 2001
12:53 am
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Well, I wrote you something here last night, but don't see it. That was after I tried four times and kept getting bumped off. Then tried to open the site all day and couldn't get in, so I dn't know what's up with all that. But, at any rate, hope you had a great Easter. Mine was good. Just got home from the movies with my daughter. Gotta turn in now, but wanted to just say Hey. Hopefully this message will stick! (smile)

April 16, 2001
5:50 pm
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Okay DeeTee.....Easter is over....let's talk....what's going on?

April 17, 2001
9:44 pm
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Hi Ladeska:
I'm o.k. been incredible busy. Had the kids for 3-days didn't want to take away from my time with them.

My niece came over and taught me how to e-mail however I'm hooked up to MSN and I can't retrieve need to find some time to read what to do. She hooked me up with AOL whaich seems to have overridden my MSN . . .well you get the picture.

In between all this I've been VERY co-dependant.

Well folks my Therarpist agrees with you "i'm just not ready"

She thinks beside being VERY Codependant I'm a "boderline personality disorder type" and she thinks to some extent I CAN'T control my behavior or thoughts.
I can't fill you in now because I have miles to go before I sleep . . . literrally not that Robert Frost thing . . . so don't get nervous.
What do I think about all this "diagnosis stuff" . . . I don't know but whatever I am I feel like I'm going CRAZY.

Ladeska Easter was nice. Thank-you.

April 17, 2001
11:54 pm
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Hello,

My name is Kimberly Anne and I am a friend of Ladeskas:)

I am really enjoying this site and can relate to many things you all talk about.

I am a sahm with one little three year old and am often alone in this new state we recently relocated too.

I understand the distrust issue and how one can feel alone and out of sync with society, but its ok for now, it really is ok with me.

I am currently weaning myself off of paxil, slowly of course and under a drs care too. I want to get rid of these anxiety and panic attacks if i can.

I also suffer from PTSD, the beginning stages that is what i believe and fibromylagia, arthritis and hypothyrodism, oh and trichotillomania( a hairpulling disorder)

I am estranged from my "perfect sister" who didn't want me in her wedding and esp not as her maid of honor, cause i am not perfect like her. She doesn't even want to see me in our new home or see her niece as well, she rather go to cedar point she says, cause they missed out on it last year, oh they went to disneyland oh guess that was not good enough.

I am the family scapegoat, I am not allowed to have feelings and should not expect people to come visit me, but yet i am expected to go pay money for a hotel to see them, and they all have room for me too. They are disrespectful to me and never allowed me to have my own opinions or feelings. And this is the good stuff guys so your not all alone believe me.

Yea sometimes i feel alone while at the mall with my daughter, while others are with mothers and friends and groups of people and here i am with my daughter and wonder why she has no friends to play with. I tried a local church moms day out, but just did not fit in i guess, so I left after about 8 months of that, rather be alone than to be snubbed you know?

Oh well that enough for now, I need to off and have a pity party for myself somewhere, and find a tissue or two.

ttyl,
Kimberly Anne

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