Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
I can't break the cycle
April 5, 2001
12:18 am
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm 36. Divorced after 12 years of marriage. I have 2 adorable young children. I've been on my own for 3-years. I've been suffering from depression my entire adult life. I've been diagnosed as Bi-Polar, Boderline Personality disorder, narcissitic,latent schizophrenic(that was my personal favourite}and most recently suffering from post traumatic stress disorder due to an abusive upbringing (physical&emotional). I have been hospitalized 3-times in the past 18 years. I've been on about every psychotropic drug know to science. I guess I'm chemical resistant. Whatever!, The only thing I'm certain of is that I AM THE POSTER CHILD FOR CODEPENDENCY. I was starved for affectioan as a child because I never recieved an ounce of it, and no one in my family of (7) ever did have a clue what healthy love is. Nor do I. I have been in dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship. I can't break the cycle and the more emotional detatched or abuse the women I become involved with are the harder and harder I try to to change the out-come this time and win that acceptance and nuturing I never recieved and have never known. I have been in therapy solid once a week for over three years. My problem is that I can't break the lock that: MY LIFE& HAPPINESS DOES NOT BEGIN UNTIL I FIND THAT MAJIC WOMAN WHO WILL GIVE ME THE LOVE AND NUTURING I NEED. The pursuit of this majic woman is what I live and breath for. I'm so sick that I put my career, my hobbies, EVEN MY OWN CHILDREN SOMETIMES, aside because I am locked on finding that woman to live with me, nuture me, validate me, etc. I have read more that 10 books on relationships, codependency, self esteem. I belong to a CODA group for about the last 7-months. I'm not currently taking any medication because a) I don't believe it will help. It never has. b) No health care professional can agree on a diagnosis for me c) I have an inner need to work this mess out by myself and not be reminded each morning and night of my weaknesses. I'm devastated because after yet another exhausting, emotionally abusive relationship ends I am sleepless and physically ill vacilating between trying yet one more time to make it work with a woman who has betrayed and lied to me time and time again or jumping into another relationship to ease the pain. When I learned I was powerless to end this addiction on my own I began a 1 1/2 year journey trying to develope a strong faith in God. I read the entire Bible word for word. I then took 7-months worth of classes and became confirmed in the Catholic Faith. Then I asked God to perform his majic and help me to help myself. After the last year of immeasurable hardships in my current (relationship) I have little faith that even God will help me.
O.K. So I did the therapy, book reading, physical health kick (I lost 24 lbs., became a body builder, I physically look like a movie star), medication, Religion, Yoga, mental imagery, YOU NAME/ BEEN THERE. Why will I not be alone for a while, suffer through this lonliness and learn to love myself. What more emotional pain must I endure to start focusing on me?
The thought of being alone terrifies me. In my professional life I can delegate, make command decisions, and control hostile situations: (I work in law enforcement and command a shift of about 80 line staff.Can you believe that?) Yet in my personal life I can barely function day to day. I'm fully aware that I need to learn to "love myself, nuture myself" however I can't seem to break this addictive pattern.
I've been told I'm just not ready yet. What will it take? I've lost everything to my addiction financially, my children, my friends.
Has anyone out there ever been this stuck?

April 5, 2001
7:04 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What more emotional pain to you need to suffer?

As much as it takes....you seem to know all the words but take nothing truly to heart.

even with religion...you did all "the right stuf" then sat back and waited for someone else...God...to "work his magic". God does supply all our needs but it takes faith, and prayer etc and then...sometimes when we ask...God's answer is "No"

This isn't about what other do for you or even to you. This is about YOU.

You have tried everything and NOTHING has worked, (never has never will)

And you are right nothing will ever work until YOU are ready within yourself to ......LET them work.

Somewhere, somehow you are getting a payoff...so why change. Self defeating prophecies?

Diagnoses? why worry about the words?
MEdications...That's a personal thing
Weakness....even cops are weak..not one can stop a speeding bullet on their own
Addicted....well...when you are ready you can change it but til then....

Sounds like you have all the tools to do what you need to do but you aren't quit ready to do it.

It can be scary to consider being "a different person."

Sounds like you are smart and strong....keep working on it.

April 5, 2001
11:40 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

DeeTee.....Oh yea....we've been stuck like this....most people just aren't as candid as you are about it! (smile) Good for you though, at least you're being honest. It's hard finding that secret garden in ourselves, even harder finding the freaking key to it! You would just swear that someone hid the dang thing from you, huh? So, you've been on the pursuit all your life - looking, looking, looking for that woman that will make everything all better? Typical trap we do get into that's for sure.

The one thing that I have noticed with myself and my own healing is that we usually avoid the one thing that will be the strong healing potion for us. Not saying we do it intentionally, just instinctively because we are afraid of it. If you don't mind me asking - what was your relationship with your mother like? Glad to see you here, btw.

April 5, 2001
1:11 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

DeeTee.....I had to run a minute ago, but did want to add something....it also appears to me that the stronger we believe that something is our fault or is because of something "we weren't" to someone growing up.....the stronger the need for "us" to be the one that resolves it - via - a person who reminds us of that person. I've just noticed that we resist strongly to anyone or anything getting in the way of "us" being the one that, sacrificially even, gets this straightened out in our gut - by doing it - our own way or what we think.....feels good. Problem is - we think pain feels good.....especially, the kind of pain coming from a person that represents this unresolved thing in our past.

Therefore, we go through life ripping off the faces of our partners and putting this other person's face on them. And we go through this dance that says......okay, obviously I wasn't good enough for you to love me, nurture me, guide me, etc.......so, now that I have you here "again" I'm going to earn your love, or change myself so that I'm more pleasing to you, or get into this emotional brawl with you until you feel bad about what you've done and until I've decided that I've paid enough for not being good enough......and on and on it goes......right?

So, even your relationship with God can become very skewed as well, especially if Mary is involved in all of this and she's a woman...... You're not going to be good enough for her either, right?

The catch in the rope here.......is that you have believed a little child's reasoning when you put together in your head that their behavior was - about "you". That got put into your basic belief system and has become part of the foundation where upon you live your life. You can go to all the therapy you want to, read all the books, have a commanding job, etc., etc. and until you release this little guy's deathgrip on resolving this "your" way by role playing in your relationships - on the cycle will go.

The key here is - you have to "unbelieve" yourself. Tough one. We will distrust others when it comes to alot of things, but when a lie has been rooted in us early - when we don't reason like an adult and has been planted with alot of pain and trauma - it's hard going - pulling that sucker out by the roots.

But, the problem is - you've stamped it "your territory and your territory alone"......in resolving this - your way. In your head - I'm sure - it's all about you - why all this happened. Until that is disbelieved - you ain't going nowhere except round and round. Are you ready to go there and tear this lie out of there or do you need to be dizzy some more? That little person that you used to be - needs a "stand up guy"........time for you - to stand up - for "him".

April 6, 2001
12:16 am
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello my newfound friends {janes & Ladeska). I have spent the last hour reflecting on what a gift it is to have found such beautiful people who genuinely care about another persons struggle. My words cannot express the good feeling I have in my heart because of your kind and thoughtful comments. God bless you both.

janes: Yes I lack faith. I never had a religion before 2-years ago and when I was at my lowest I focused on the possibilty that God would accept me into His kingdom and reward me with serenity for my suffering. What I believe now is that God exists and graces others however I do not trust He will grace me in this way. I cannot say why I feel this way but I'm affraid to give my life over to Him. It's amazing that I will trust a woman, and jump through a thousand hoops to prove I'm worthy of her unconditional love however I will not trust God in that way. I pray, I read but I won't believe. Right now I'm very angry with God and I am affraid because in all that I've ever read survivors have indicated you must "trust in your Higher power" to help (you) in the areas that (I'm) helpless to help myself.

I go through the motions but I can't find the faith within.

Ladeska: Yeah these woman are a metaphor of Mom. Mom & Stepdad were avid gamblers, we lived in poverty because Thurs-Sunday each week they were off giving it away then spending the rest of the week making the (5) of us feel guilty to have been such a financial burden. They had miserable jobs and came home angry dailey. They would take out there anxiety by beating my brother and I. Mom was the worst. I really believe that she got off on hitting me. Stepdad was 24-years older than Mom. He couldn't stand the four of us (#5) was his so they "had" to get married. Real dad was a drunk and would lock us in either our room (4 to a room) or a closet (depending on which one of us he wanted to torture when Mom went to work, I don't remember thats what my sister told me happened. I don't communicate with any of the others never have.

April 6, 2001
12:16 am
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hello my newfound friends {janes & Ladeska). I have spent the last hour reflecting on what a gift it is to have found such beautiful people who genuinely care about another persons struggle. My words cannot express the good feeling I have in my heart because of your kind and thoughtful comments. God bless you both.

janes: Yes I lack faith. I never had a religion before 2-years ago and when I was at my lowest I focused on the possibilty that God would accept me into His kingdom and reward me with serenity for my suffering. What I believe now is that God exists and graces others however I do not trust He will grace me in this way. I cannot say why I feel this way but I'm affraid to give my life over to Him. It's amazing that I will trust a woman, and jump through a thousand hoops to prove I'm worthy of her unconditional love however I will not trust God in that way. I pray, I read but I won't believe. Right now I'm very angry with God and I am affraid because in all that I've ever read survivors have indicated you must "trust in your Higher power" to help (you) in the areas that (I'm) helpless to help myself.

I go through the motions but I can't find the faith within.

Ladeska: Yeah these woman are a metaphor of Mom. Mom & Stepdad were avid gamblers, we lived in poverty because Thurs-Sunday each week they were off giving it away then spending the rest of the week making the (5) of us feel guilty to have been such a financial burden. They had miserable jobs and came home angry dailey. They would take out there anxiety by beating my brother and I. Mom was the worst. I really believe that she got off on hitting me. Stepdad was 24-years older than Mom. He couldn't stand the four of us (#5) was his so they "had" to get married. Real dad was a drunk and would lock us in either our room (4 to a room) or a closet (depending on which one of us he wanted to torture when Mom went to work, I don't remember thats what my sister told me happened. I don't communicate with any of the others never have.

April 6, 2001
1:05 am
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska: sorry there was a second page but I somehow lost it and doubled posted. Still learning this computer stuff anyway:
I don't remember much if any of my child hood before 11-12. The rules were quite clear: don't talk at the dinner table, stay out of the t.v. room (notice I didn't say "family" room), don't leave the yard don't have any friends, no hobbies, you want cloths and toys get a job and go buy them.Stepdad and Mom after dinner would retire to the t.v. room where step dad would become engulfed in t.v. until he feel asleep with Mom faithfully by his side. There was not an ounce of communication. Mom never kissed us or ever talked to us unless it was a direction.

April 6, 2001
1:15 am
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I believed she sold us children out she was so afraid of losing stepdad and being stuck with 5-kids she gave us up to keep him happy.
Yes I thought it was all my fault. Mom you to tell me I was so terrilbe in the morning she was packing my bags and "I can go live with my real father". I bought into this crap and would cry for hours non-stop thinking if I cry enough she will see I'm sorry for making her so depressed and angry, maybe she'll even come upstairs and talk to me. She never did. I thought I did my "innerchild" work but I can see that I only read the book and made notes in my journal. I'm good at that, that's all I know, going through the motions. I'll try to pull the weeds and let the flowers begin to grow. You have inspired me. Thank-you.

April 6, 2001
7:47 am
Avatar
janes
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You don't need to trust God...he already trusts you. the thing with god is that he DOES have all the answers and all the cures etc....but in his wisest he decided not to force one thing on us. It's called free will.

god loves you no matter how bad you are, how poor how mean how sick

He just stays there, being him and wairing for us mere mortals to put away our grandiose ideas and just bekieve like a little kid believes....it's called the "faith of a little child". The rich guy couldn't get into heaven without it.

And you can be angry and hate him and he willnot change his love for you. He just goes on loving you and all us poor suckers who push him away and blame him etc.

None of this is His fault. It's ours but he is easy to blame cuz he doesn't reach down with a wand and FIX it all.

Your life it YOUR life...YOU are making the choices and YOU are making the changes.

You have a great start.

Keep going.

April 6, 2001
12:04 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow...DeeTee - I feel very honored that you have shared all this. Quite a step for a "guy". (smile) Had to rib you on that one! (snort) One thing you'll learn about me straight up here is - life ain't worth much if we can't laugh at ourselves and at/with others. Some of my best healing has come through the annals of letting it all hang out and being off the wall with my humor. Sometimes, it gets a little twisted, but last time I checked - I had reason to be twisted!!! (smiles)

Okay, okay....back to biz here....you really said a mouthful in all this. The one thing I see more than anything is "sincerity". I'm going to approach this God-thing with you here. I approach this very cautiously with people, am full of respect about people and their faith or lack of. But, feel compelled to share with you some things.....this may take some time, so I hope you keep coming back here and posting....I have "alot" to say to you and hopefully you will share back..

I'm a christian, have been since I was 9 yrs. old. I'm not your "normal one" though. (LOL) The funny thing is - you won't find me in a "church" as we know them. The church is the body of Christ, true enough and I have met alot of really lovely people here and there in congregations....but as a whole - this ministry that I have to the abused, the raped, the incested - I have as yet to be fully accepted into any church because as a society, as a whole - we just aren't there yet. We try, we proclaim it and then outright - won't go there. I "understand" all that, but at this point in time, don't have the energy or the time to waste trying to get my point across to people who aren't listening. Therefore, whatever I need - God sends to me. He sends me people, His people - mature people in their faith. And He sends me those that He wants me to walk with for awhile and help to heal, and they are "always" people that are perfectly matched for me, which is really nice because we don't have to sit there and struggle about - is this counseling thing going to work here? It just does. He's pretty smart about all that. (smile) Me, on the other hand - would be "oh so lost" without His expertise. Would be studying my navel somewhere, trying to be a smart butt and driving myself and whoever else right off an embankment! ANYWAYS....He and I go back a long, long ways.......I've been the biggest BRAT this side of the Mississippi, actually on the other side of the Mississippi as well - that's where I hail from. Now I'm on the west coast.

(I'm going to write alot here to you today, btw. I type fast and will do it intermittently throughout the day, so bear with me....this will probably be long, just forewarning you...)

The lay of the land in this world is.....you earn everything...isn't it? Therefore....you perceived God and what He has for you through that template. I suffer - He acknowledges and does something for me. Makes sense. That's what we're taught here....by "man". Very understandable reasoning on our part. And then....it doesn't help matters when "man" fashions "religion" around man's agendas and POOF! Just add water - ya got man's rendition of who God is - right? Wrong. That's why your radar keeps going off inside you because innately - you Know that what you've been taught in so many veins of life - isn't the "truth". Your higher self, your true self - the one that is very able to connect with God most "purely" knows that what you're looking at is counterfeit - therefore you reject it and so you should......that's why you're here - you're still searching regardless of how much you might profess you're "done". You're not.

You see......you just "assume" that you are so terribly screwed up here....but you're not half as screwed as you perceive yourself to be. You're a seeker.....you're after God's own heart and you don't even realize it. He does though.....(smile) Just got to get you up on a mountain perch where you can see the big picture.....keep looking - it will gradually come inito view....

We are born into situations into this world of sin, where people that were suppoed to love us ideally - didn't. And their willful nature - sinned against us, harmed us, brutalized us in every way imaginable. We are vulnerable and mankind - going it's own way - doesn't have the first clue about how to stop this rampage. We wanted all the knowledge in the Garden - but we didn't know what to do with the part that says - what if I break something? What if I start a process like the Second Law of Thermodynamics, but in a "spiritual sense" and everything keeps spreading out and becoming more and more erradic and out of control as the clock ticks with mankind? How do we stop that? How do we fix it?

Well......."we" don't "fix" anything.....ah but....that's not what the snake said.....and still says.....WE can right the apple cart. And so, me being rather intelligent and rational of mind - I say - okay then....with all our smarts - why are we still going around in the same vicious circles like abusing our children IF we are sooo osmart? If we can "fix" it? We haven't even hit the tip of the iceberg yet.....although we sure do profess it, don't we? About all we've done as far as helping child abuse, especially sexual abuse is to dysensitize everyone with it so that they are tired of hearing it already. We've talked it to death, we've given out a ton of drugs for the victims and we've stuck them in counseling with people that usually don't have a clue, taken their money, but a bandaid on it and said - now then....off you go into society, don't sweat the small stuff, read all these books and have a great day!!!

Hey, if that works for some people - I'm delighted....but the problem is....I see a whole score of people that - it didn't work for, those are the people I find....in the bushes, in the hedgerows of life, abandoned by the church, abandoned by their families, abandoned by friends, by mates.....they finally - abandon themselves....gee....I wonder why?

I have never found a better counselor than the Lord Jesus Christ. And don't get me wrong, I respect alot of other wisdoms in other faiths. I have many mystic, Buddhist, Eastern thought that I read often, I select certain things from them and find them most helpful, insightful, inspiring. But, I deeply understand what Christ did on the Cross. And it's not what I was taught in church. It's what the Holy Spirit taught me over time.....

I was raised in a very brutal home - alot like yours. I was abused just about every way imaginable. And what happened with both of us is this - our parents were representative of who God is to us. Yes, it was wrong.....but nonetheless imprinted deep into us. This is the way they feel about me..............then this is the way God must feel towards me as well. They failed me.......God will fail me. OR....I failed to be the child that "just by being me" could not get love from my parents.....therefore......I'm not good enough to get God's love and approval either.....and the list goes on and on. Good exercise for you to do is to write down a list of things that are negative statements regarding your parents.....I feel like you never knew me, I feel like I never mattered, like you didn't want me, didn't care, etc., etc. Then...later make a list of how you view God and how He feels towards you with similar statements.... The lists - will be the same - thus proving my point.

Which brings me to this......at some point and time.....we stand very naked in front of God and say......well, if the institutions of God didn't correctly teach me who you were.....and my parents didn't mirror it correctly......'then Who are you?" Good place to be, but you can bring nothing with you to this summit....no clothes, nothing to hide behind, nothing you've been taught - just your nakedness before Him and open ears, focused eyes and He will meet you......sometimes, DeeTee, we walk an awful long way in life to ocme to this point....but, it's the most crucial and most beautiful place to arrive at......it's that place where "we listen"....

Will write more later, gotta run for a few....(told you this would be long!!!) IF you get tired of me just say. To borrow an old saying....when we are ready to learn....a teacher will appear....

April 6, 2001
3:35 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm back........okay....you know...you really can't connect with God if you don't understand this Jesus thing. What in the world was all that about? Well......when the first representatives of us, who were equipped with their own will... made a certain choice, which would have been fine, they made choices every day...only "this one" had a law attached to it, not unlike the law of gravity...if you drop the vase off that building....it will break. God told them, they were completely connected to Him at that time - they knew - there was a consequence. So, they opted to do it. And the consequence was.....we became instantly separated and everything that was under our dominion and authority "fell". The Second Law of Thermodynamics....began....in every aspect of falling there was. We immediately began....to die and everything under our dominion started dying as well. The food chain began..... We were at odds with our animals, the eco system started going south right then.....and spiritually speaking - we were already dead because we were unhooked from our source. And as Max Lucado so poetically put it.....while the apple was still crunching in Eden...Christ started walking toward the Cross.

Something in our spiritual genetic coding became forever wrenched, which affects everything about us and there was no righting it, at least not - of "our" doing. Sin can't fix sin. A virus can't fix itself. It has to come from outside itself. Our blood - spiritually and physically was tainted, the code of sin was locked in and the vibrations of that down through the ages - began and picked up speed and spread out touching everything and everyone...right down to mine and your abuse.

Christ came into this world to "fix" what we could never fix. His blood being "perfect" needed to mingle with ours and die our death in order to raise up - our body and overthrow this curse, this coding that had got set inside all that we are from our first forefather and foremother. By doing that, we are very much able to connect with God.....HIs thoughts can become our thoughts, we can have communion and "family", even if that means - just with Him sometimes.

There's no ten-point plan by which you have to do the two-step all the way up the aisle in order to win His favor. Um, no....that would be man's thinking again and a way to keep us in a corral so that we could be controlled - by man. You're a smart guy....you know all this deep down. Alot of stuff hasn't made good sense to you, has it?

When we accept Christ as our Savior.....it's simply accepting His death in place of our own for eternity....swapping our death - for His life. Accepting that His blood not only covers our sin that we commit willfully, but His Holy Spirit teaches us how to be free of what sin can do to us and the compulsion to do it repeatedly, and His blood covers and untangles us from.....the effects that other people's sin has had upon us, as well. Very important element for you and I. He is the key that gives you His insight into things that no one else on this planet can give to you. He knows all parties here - intimately well...... He provides book time and then picks up and teaches you a lesson out in life that coincides with - the book time. And He only goes at your own pace......teaching you all along that He is very, very different from - your role model of a parent.

The great minds of this world can try all they want to.....can mix up all the drugs they want to in their laboratories....but He would built this universe in "His" laboratory - knows that we are desperately trying to "fix" it our way again - thereby shaking our fist to Heaven and saying - don't need you now. I did it!!! We ain't "done it" yet. But, we do have a very long rope in our hands though. Not much difference in us and any two year old you can go talk to. I DO IT!! I DO IT!!! .......funny.....how He keeps following us around knowing......we will have need......love is like that.....very contrary to how our parents "loved" us. Thus the need for you be saying right now...so, um......"who.....are.......you?"

April 6, 2001
4:23 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

DeeTee.....it's okay to be angry with God. He allows that. Understands it deeply. I'd be angry, too, if what you've sketched out here - did not love you. You've been looking at the wrong sketch. This one.....could never love you, would never - it's too in love with it's own reflection. You've been seeking after man's love and man's invention of who God is - which is nothing more than a puppet devised to serve man's wants and wishes and if He doesn't - then off with His head and we'll come up with a new and better version that will feed our own narcisistic ego. Kind of a vicious cycle isn't it? Precisely. We do like circles, just keep going round and round in them. Never could find a corner to pee in while in a silo - right? God is full of right angles. Any good architect is... (smile)

It was funny....years ago - I was one angry sister. Mad at God, made at me, mad at everyone on the planet. The injustice of this world just royally pissed me off. Couldn't believe we were so vile. I grew up in the deep south where it was customary and required - that you rake everything underneath the rug and look the other way. There is soooo much abuse in the south and such a veil over it that says......don't you even DARE pick up that carpet, you'll go straight to Hell if you do and GOD will get you for asking any questions and tarnishing whoever's image in the community for saying - whatever. Been there, done that. Isn't just in the south either. Just man's arrogant nature, trying to cover up turds in the sandbox and painting them with chocolate.

I have known many, many ministers who were nothing more than what Dr. Scott Peck, in his book - People of the Lie calls - "people of the lie". Good book. You should read it - a few times. But, the more illicit a person's evil - the more they strain to appear wonderful and holy even. It works well for them. Is a brilliant disguise and people fall for it, right and left and are very, very hurt by it. That's why people with the gift of discernment are so very important.....they sniff this kind of thing out in churches. Rats have a particular odor about them. They camoflauge and scapegoat immediately. You "almost" don't see what they do. I am not surprised you are in the profession you are in. You've been up against some really nasty evil growing up and you want to understand it.....study it. If that's so - then this book is for you.... It's necessary that you know what wounded you...at least - to a certain extent. it's important to "know" God - more. Satan is rather redundant. But, anti-life is like that. It repeats itself. Isn't creative. Inventive, clever, always playing to the tune of our ego and pride, but therein is - no life whatsoever.....only a new way to destroy you, dressed up like Bugs Bunny, the banker, or Lolita.

If you really read the New Testament and get into who Christ was - you'll find that He had a heart for people and a real gut awareness of people like the Pharisees trying to trip Him all the time. He knew precisely what was up and He hated alot of the same things - you do. But.....He died for all those people as well, wanted to provide a way home for them, too.... Just like Judas. Alot of people have said to me - well, he's not in heaven!!! I say - how do you know that?

No. 1 - Judas messed up. True enough. Interesting thing though - Christ picked him to be a disciple. So what was up with that? Maybe it was an equation that we should look at....you got 12 disciples and one of them will be a wolf. Rather disconcerting figure, isn't it? It happens - we should be aware. No. 2 - Christ loved him, just like the others. And in the end - Judas was sorry, he knew what he did, gave up the money and committed suicide. Not condoning suicide when I say this - but the unforgiveable sin isn't suicide. It's blaspheming the Holy Spirit unto death. Which means - saying No to the Holy Spirit until there is no more time left.

Therefore, if that is true - then that means that in that last millisecond of life.....God can sit down with any man, any woman, any child from anywhere and have a long talk with them about "who He is" if they have never - understood. Just like a dream can seem like it lasts forever. God is not restricted to time, that is a measuring stick - "for us". And He can stretch it out as long as it takes in order for us to understand and make an informed decision. Just like the thief on the cross - it ain't about works. He went straight up. Yes.....God is full of mercy and love for us. He knows all about the people that were never taught squat, who grew up having to steal because they needed food or to feed their little brothers and sisters. He understand when you and I have trust issues because the people who were supposed to love us the most - hurt us the worst. There is a language that He talks with us in - that has no barriers. And just like Judas - if we don't get it now - we will have "that time" then. He will make sure of it. I won't be surprised to see Judas's face someday. I really won't. Would make complete sense to me. The wheat and the tares grow together.....for a reason. And I just know something of God's love.....and it ain't over - until it's over and a millisecond of time.....can last a long, long time if necessary. He does go the extra mile where laws of sin and this world have no jurisdiction. Just because we don't have a reporter on the scene - doesn't mean - God can't do it. (smile) Just remember one thing about the scientific law of something.....when one little candle of light comes into a dark room - what happens? The room lights up and penetrates the darkness, right? So....if you brought a little bit of darkness into a lighted room - would the darkness penetrate the light and make it dark? Then, there you have it.......you have reason for hope.....for faith. It's a law...that it can be done.....absolutely and completely - done. (smile) And to be quite frank with you - I'm living proof....if anyone should be dead a few ways from Sunday - I should be. I grew up in a household where my father took a gun and shot at me, sometimes sending bullets through my hair. He would also stage things where he almost killed me, but didn't.....not this time anyways... He got off on that. Made him feel powerful. Would take me out to the lake and drop me. I couldn't swim. Would start drowning and then out of the "goodness" of his heart, he'd "rescue" me and say....see....how easy I could kill you if you talk? Thus, my abuser became my rescuerer. How endearing. But, that's the M.O. of Satan himself. I've seen this persona over and over again with the people I've worked with. It's definitely - the same entity. Read Dr. Peck's book. You'll find it fascinating.. Thanks for enduring all this writing... I'll stop now and let you digest, ask questions, whatever. Why do I care - because I've been very, very loved.......very, very healed - why wouldn't I share that? (smile)

April 6, 2001
4:25 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Also, another good book I meant to include up there was - "Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. ICN # 030234840.

April 6, 2001
11:13 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi my new friends (janes/Ladeska),and any one else listening. I have to keep this brief today.I have my son for the weekend and I need to concentrate on him. My daughter went to brownie camp. I truley mean that I have to focus on him/ her. My addiction usually locks me into obsessive thoughts and though I'm physically with them my mind is racing at the speed of light usually about whatever relationship delemma erupted this week. Yes I feel guilty about this but truely believe that I cannot control the way my mind {locks and obsesses. I couldn't sleep last night{and most nights}. I was so touched by your comments and reflected deeply on every word you each shared. Then I went on this venting rampage and couldn't stop. I have such rage inside of me, thanks for bearing with me. . . . Truly, thank-you! My computer skills are poor and it takes me along time to connect, post and I can't figure out what to do when I get to the end of a page. I've been losing my postings somehow and have to start over again. Bare with me I'll learn when I can.

April 6, 2001
11:23 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

janes: Free will yes I know. I astounded by people who I've come to know that just one day turned their lives over to the care of God. Like it's just that easy. I remember reading in the bible old testamant all the miracles God performed for His people and yet they still did not change their ways and as I read story after story of miracles performed right before them I remember thinking: You idiots what more could you ask for, why are you so selfish and do not appreciate God's love for you, His power. I feel that they saw his miracles it was quite clear to them He could change the course of their lives if they only would believe. I remember when Jesus said to His deciples something like "you believe because you have seen my miracles, blessed are those who have not yet still believe".

April 6, 2001
11:41 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I fear accepting God as my persoanl saviour and I'm not sure why. It's kinda crazy and I don't mean to offend anyone so understand that what I'm about to say is only the way I reason things in my twisted,demented feeble little mind: I feel/believe,{most of the time I think these are one in the same}, that if I give my life to God I will have failed in someway like I lost because I couldn't do this thing called "life" on my own. Like by being a christian I'll miss out on fun things like sex (by the way I'm some sort of deviant sexaholic) the odd thing about what I just said is that sex has never really been a safe,satisfying, peaqceful place for me, NEVER! It's just how I ease the pain, it's my drug.

April 6, 2001
11:52 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

janes your right It's called free will and I need to explore why I think in such a demented way.
Yes I am aware that I make the choices.

Ladeska: Frankly speaking you scare the hell out of me . . .pun intended.
You have wisdom that frightens me. You have told me what I need to hear . . . I remeber in the Bible one of the KIngs, David I believe was offered by God anything he wanted as a reward and David asked only for "wisdom" I cried when I read that. I want clarity. I need or think I need the Miracle: God to come down from heaven and say "DeeTee this is exactly what you need to do and it's o.k. if you do it . . . A teacher of truth Ladeska.
I've gotta go. My son needs my attention this weekend. I need to rest so I can concentrate on learning a way to give him what he deserves.

April 6, 2001
11:56 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ladeska you have given me sooo much to think about. This will take a while I'm far from the sharpest tool in the shed however you have stunned me and I will reflect on all that you have said. Good night my friends. God bless you.

April 7, 2001
12:23 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

DeeTee....you're plenty sharp. And I understand all you wrote. I really do. I won't go on and on here. Think I've dominated this thread enough here for awhile. And you do need to be with your baby. (smile) So good to see that in you. You need him, too....

I know you feel the way you do about God and needing to do it on your own and all that. It's old conditioning Dee... Will take some time to break through that wall with yourself. But....God is very good at breaking down walls, so I'm not worried about it. (smile) You're listening, that's all that matters. You're also hungry.

One quick little diddy about obsessive thinking. One thing occurred to me here - an abused child is always on the defensive - even if it's in your own mind - but you're constantly thinking of what to say, what to do - to make things right or how to figure out what just happened and how you fit into that picture and why it happened and what will happen tomorrow, etc., etc. Your mind races constantly trying to keep up, make sense out of everything and basically be an adult - with a child's mind, but be an adult for everyone in the family....way too much pressure for a child... You've been on the cross too long, Dee....believing it's yours to bear, or yours to fix. Sometimes it's really hard to let go of our pain because it's "ours" and we're pretty possessive about it.

I scare most people. (smile) Don't worry about it, you're not alone. I scare myself sometimes! Especially the times I dress up in a fairy godmother outfit and show up at the local hospital complete with tiara, wings, long silver dress and a wand! WELL....I was asked to be a child's godmother so HEY! just decided to do a Patch Adam's kind of thing! Was great - had a BLAST!!! Got some funny looks from a few anal retentive people...poor them...but had a ball with everyone else, especially with the young lady who just had the baby 5 min. before! She laughed her butt off at me! They were sewing her up and I was granting everyone wishes in the room! And yes....we have pictures! You have yourself a great weekend! Try to put a cork in the obsessing thing - go play with your child, do stupid stuff, PLAY!!!! Talk to ya later, thanks for checking in with us.

April 8, 2001
3:44 am
Avatar
Bob4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi All,

Dee, I am in a fairly similar position, but will offer just a sliver of advice to the excellent advice you've already received. I don't think it will be accepted very well, but I'm going to recommend seeing a competent psychiatrist(an MD), who you trust, and who has a good background in psychopharmacology. It sounds like you "could" be relieved of some of your obsessions, and perhaps some of your depression, if you had competent care for many symptoms which could have a physiological basis. This isn't a "cure", or a "quick fix". Its simply been my experience that I couldn't benefit from any counseling/advice/actions, if my brain chemistry was off. Getting on a good med. for you, "could" aid you in your struggle. Its greatly helped me with overpowering obsessions and depression. This is not to discount any of the other advice you've been given. I'm also struggling to conquer a similar addiction that, until a week ago, I didn't know existed.

Many hold a huge anti-drug bias. I believe this is based on the fact that there are so few psychiatrists who know what the hell they're doing. It's the lowest paying medical specialty, so it's a "get what you pay for" deal, I guess. Again, this isn't a panacea, by any means. It sounds like you've tried meds in the past, but did you trust your doc? I feel that's essential. Docs in university settings are usually good starting points, and you must educate yourself. You may want to check out http://www.mentalhealth.net, or related sites. I was helped by a book by Dr.Daniel Amen,Change Your Brain,Change Your Life. Hokey title, but rich resource. http://www.amenclinic.com,as well, I believe-You've also found some great "angels" here at this site. I wish you well on your road to wellness.

April 8, 2001
8:05 am
Avatar
lewis
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your looking for love, you've spent alot of time and energy into love seeking - thats alot of energy and committment to what u feel u need - why not use some of that energy and committment on u?

I really believe in the saying 'u don't get what u want, u get what u need'.

U must have learnt something from all this soul searching? Personally I think u have to seach for u first. Somebody else cannot make u happy, they make all seem better, but in reality they cannot possibly lick your wounds and save u.

U have power and control in your working life, you can have this in your personal life too. Use the intelligence that is obviously there to me, and gain respect for yourself.

Do u blame god for your unhappiness?

Your mum rejected u for your stepdad, are u uncounsiously seeking other individuals that will reject you, so that u can feel what you've always felt, the pain!

I think u need to look into yourself for answers, tell yourself everyday, that u desearve to be loved. therefore I shall from this day on love me, I am my own best friend, I can trust myself. I DESEARVE TO BE HAPPY!

April 8, 2001
12:39 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Bob / Lewis....does my heart good to see men be there for men. (smiles) We need you.. So many of us are disconnected anymore - from - one another. No wonder the leg is crying out that it can't function without the arm. Tis true. We need affirmation and inspiration....without it - we won't grow - at all. Thanks so much for being here, for being a part of the "whole".

April 8, 2001
10:50 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi my friends. thank-you all for your thoughtful comments which I'm sure originate from alot of reflection,personal experiences (painful at times I'm sure), and care for the well being of others.
bob4: i'm going back to see a PRN tomorrow.Yes you are right the psychiatrist in the group I don't trust never have (3-years) with his group. My problem is I might need his testimony in an upcoming custody battle you see my Ex the, queen of control, vowed to take the children away "forever" when we divorced and in my depression I inadvertantly lost custody of my children. She was attempting to make a court case that i am an incompetant father who is unstable and will probable kill himself and take the children with him. Pretty sick and viciuos but after I ran out of money for an attorney she jammed in a no win situation and i signed papers I shouldn't have. So here we are back in court this time I have an attorney only God knows where I'll find the $ to pay him. Anyway I may be forced to be on a medication though I probable have been on the ones you have in mind and I found no relief from my obssession/addictive behavior. (i.e. Respiradal=obssessive thinking, Depakote&Lithium= bipolar disorder. Lets see what cocktail will be tomorrows happy hour special{haha}.

April 8, 2001
11:10 pm
Avatar
deetee
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BOB4 CONT.: The "proffessionals" say I'm "medication resistant" and that I'm the problem I don't progress. I've considered this . . .I have. My problem with drugs is don't take them if you don't need them. {They} with all their experience cannot mutually agree on a diagnosis and are quick to say "try this big pink one with this little yellow one, let me know how you feel in a month". I get my hopes up to feel the same obsessive/addictive/depressed way I always felt and each little pill that doesn't work brings me extreme anger and makes me feel like a {freak}. Please don't let my words offend anyone I'm stating what I tell myself with each failure. I think I will never find hapiness because I'm not like them (the rest of the world} I'm this freak that someone{parents/God/ the boogie man} has elected to torment eternally. Oops is this self pity?

April 8, 2001
11:10 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

DeeTee...I really feel for you.. Not going to say alot here. Will pray for you instead about alot of things. You need wisdom. Be very calm and cool with your ex. Have a quiet confidence about yourself. When dancing with a spider - do it in slow motion and sharpen all your senses....

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
51 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109444

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714179

Newest Members:

ValeryasaDazy, bujhtrDazy, ArtyomyushkaDazy, wrestlingDazy, cnfhtvbkbfyDazy, inulaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer