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I can't believe he called, 2 mos NC
October 19, 2006
9:50 pm
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VelvetHeart
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After 2 months of No Contact the jerk exbf left me a voice message saying, 'I know you don't want to hear from me...I'm in (nearby town) and wanted to see how you're doing.' I really can't believe he would call and expect me to return his call after he hurt me so badly. My thread that explains is Need help for broken heart. Anyway, I had read posts here that these toxic men will try and contact us again. I really didn't expect to hear from him. He's probably feeling guilty or something or putting the ball in my court now. I'm so angry right now. I've been feeling so good and at peace and he had to stir things up again. Guess I need to go through the anger and some more hurt while he goes on his merry way?

Velvet~ 😛

October 20, 2006
2:02 am
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doubleloss
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hi velvet, wow, after 2 months of NC. what are you planning to do? will you ignore him? call back? maybe ignoring him is good.

if xbf called me i would be jumpint for joy! for me it's been 10 weeks since he dumped me and about 7 or NC. i miss him so much, or the idea of him or whatever.

are you in an emotional place where you can CHOOSE not to be hurt anymore? i don't know if that place exists. well, at least he is feeling guiltiy or missing you, but i've learned that it is also "sniffing the corpse", going back to the crime scence, seeing how you're doing. so girl, you are fabulous, OK? let us know what happens. double

October 20, 2006
9:48 am
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StronginHim77
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Velvet -

They almost ALWAYS come back, to see if you are still susceptible to them. Will you open the door and allow him to abuse you some more? That's what it's all about: them; their egos; their need for narcissistic supply. If you don't know what NS (narcissistic supply) is, we will direct you to Sam's Site for more info, or just google it.

On the one hand, it is somewhat comforting and gratifying to realize that he wants you back. But on the other hand, why? What is his MOTIVE? B

October 20, 2006
9:50 am
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StronginHim77
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Velvet -

If he hurt you once, he has not changed. People really DO NOT change without professional help. Therefore, he will hurt you again. Do you want to let that happen? Or can you be content to know that he probably (on some level) regrets having lost you and wants back whatever you provided to his life? Notice how I don't say he wants YOU back...only what you REPRESENTED to HIS LIFE. Remember that it is ALWAYS about THEM.

Be careful, my friend. Don't give him another shot at your heart.

- Ma Strong

October 20, 2006
10:14 am
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atalose
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Velvet

I wouldn't say he wants to get back together. I think he is looking to ease his guilt.
His message "I know you don't want to hear from me" makes it pretty clean he doesn't care about your feelings only his own. I hope you do not return his call and just ignore it. Don't give this person the satisfaction. The way he ended things was pretty immature to say the least.
I think alot of red flags were blowing with this relationship. You met him while you were still married, he moved very far away and began seeing other people. And he makes it out to be all your fault for not moving there quick enough. You are so better off without this guy in your life.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
11:23 am
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VelvetHeart
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I also think he wants to ease his guilt, Atalose. The first sentence says it all. And why would he want to get back with me, he's already screwing around and I live too far away for a booty call. It's just bringing up more hurt and also releasing the anger that I wasn't able to feel before since I was so hurt when he slammed close our supposed relationship.

No double, I will Not return his call. I never want to go through a relationship with a toxic man EVER again. I'm alittle worried about you that you would jump for joy if your ex called you, but is that for validation of your feelings and not really wanting to get back with him? Nice to hear from you, by the way...((double))

Ma Strong, I was so surprised he did call, and I remember reading your posts and info about returning to the crime scene and to see if we're still vulnerable to them. It's very empowering to be able to see what they're trying to do. I will check out Sam's site and read up more on NS. I've learned so much and don't know where I'd be without all of your help!

Velvet~

October 20, 2006
11:23 am
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southgoingzax
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dear velvet,

could you really not believe he called, or was there some part of you that was finally relieved that he did? Just a question, not a judgement, I really am curious - was 2 months enough time to fully let go and really not want or expect him to call, or were you always sort of hoping he would?

I don't think I have read your whole story, sorry, but it sounds like you are still angry, and you certainly deserve to be. What are you going to do? And, I agree with the other post, if he knew you didn't want to hear from him, then why did he call? Certainly not to make you feel better, but probably to assuage his guilt, or soothe his ego...let us know what happens.

zax

October 20, 2006
11:37 am
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atalose
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Velvet, you have such a good positive attitude and you know now what you want and don't want.
I know it hurts when things end and your anger at this point may be a good thing for you. Often it's this step of anger that helps us reach the end of getting over them.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
11:48 am
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StronginHim77
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Here is something about NS (narcissistic supply) that might be helpful:

From MALIGNANT SELF-LOVE

Question:
How does the narcissist treat his past Sources of Narcissistic Supply?

Answer:

One should be careful not to romanticise the narcissist. His remorse is always linked to fears of losing his sources.

Narcissists have no enemies. They have only Sources of Narcissistic Supply. An enemy means attention means supply. One holds sway over one's enemy. If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you – you are still a Source of Supply to him, regardless of WHICH emotions are provoked.

He seeks out his old Sources of Narcissistic Supply when he has absolutely no other NS Sources at his disposal. Narcissists frantically try to recycle their old and wasted sources in such a situation. But the narcissist would NOT do even this had he not felt that he could still successfully extract a modicum of NS from the old source (even to attack the narcissist is to recognise his existence and to attend to him!!!).

If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. It may be flattering, perhaps sexually arousing. Try to overcome these feelings.

Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you – keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you – listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS.

October 20, 2006
11:49 am
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VelvetHeart
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I'm Not relieved he called and didn't expect him to since he's very prideful (is that a word?) and likes the women to come to him. I was just starting to feel better about myself and getting my life on track and this put me in a temporary tailspin. I had nightmares last night about him. I actually called him and in talking I found out he just wanted to know something, can't remember exactly but it had nothing to do with us. Can't remember the rest but I remember feeling so angry and thinking, 'see? he really doesn't care about me at all.' and that he's just going on with his life like nothing happened. Guess I'm in the anger stage of grieving. And no, 2 months is not long enough for me. I feel like crap today 🙁

October 20, 2006
11:55 am
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StronginHim77
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Yes, he called you, just to see if you would respond. That's ok. Initiate "No Contact" now and cut him off. Even if you walk down the street and see him standing there ON FIRE, I would walk past the inferno and not even bother to call the Fire Dept. Don't let him jerk your strings anymore. He was simply testing the waters, to see if you were still willing to jump thru his hoops.

So, today is Day #1 of No Contact for you. It is the only language he will understand. It delivers a powerful message. Send the Message, my friend.

October 20, 2006
11:55 am
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southgoingzax
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I'm sorry you feel bad - I know about tailspins - just like you feel you're getting your feet under you, wham! But at the same time, maybe it helps to see he is still the same and nothing has changed. So you know you're not missing anything. I hope you feel better, but be angry if it helps you heal,

zax

October 20, 2006
12:08 pm
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VelvetHeart
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I really didn't call him, it was in my nightmare. Is it still Day#1 of No Contact? Well, I guess it is since there was contact, on his part. As you can see I was pretty proud of the 2 mos of NC, haha!

You guys are awesome! (((double, Ma Strong, Atalose, zax))) Thank you SO much for your support, caring and validation of my feelings. I'll keep reading, learning, and offering my help to you mighty fine folks.

Love, Velvet~

October 20, 2006
12:23 pm
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StronginHim77
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Sorry. You have NOT broken "No Contact." Dreams DON'T count! My mistake. You are still at two months. It doesn't matter if HE contacts YOU. It only matters if YOU respond and contact HIM.

You're doing GREAT. Your peace will come back. It just takes a couple of days, sometimes, after hearing from them. Feel EMPOWERED. He wants contact and you are taking the reins and saying "No" with your silence. I am very proud of you and happy for you, too. The pain WILL ease. I promise you that.

- Ma Strong

October 20, 2006
12:41 pm
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taj64
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If he really does hurt you so badly, then another possibility would be to change your phone number or anything that could prevent him from contacting you. really and truly will you heal if no contact is made. The dream you had is a result of him contacting you. It is prolonging your progress. Change email or anything you can that will prevent you from seeing that he contacts. Change any route or possibilities of contact. You will speed your healing up fast and then when that happens it will not bother you if somehow contact is made.

October 20, 2006
12:42 pm
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taj64
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I meant it is prolong your hurt not progress. You make progress quicker if he is completely out - out of sight, out of mind. Sorry for the confusion.

October 20, 2006
12:57 pm
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southgoingzax
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yeah, sorry, I thought you called him back too - so just stay strong (and angry, what a jerk) and you will get through this. This is just temporary pain, I'm sure you'll be on track in no time,

zax

October 20, 2006
1:00 pm
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atalose
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Velvet,

You'll heal from this when you are ready. 2 months of no contact is great, how strong of you to have been able to maintain that.
I was in a similiar situation years ago and my satisfaction came with me being able toignor a phone message and an e-mail from an ex. I had a feeling of satisfaction with myself which gave me more strength and confidence. I know my ignoring him bothered him, it bothered him alot, and so what, not my problem, he got what he deserved. His pattern was always maintaining a "friendship" with his ex's. I didn't play his game or by his rules and he just didn't know how to handle that! again, not my problem. I saw him a couple of months ago, after 6.5 years. I was nice, smiled, said hi and kept moving. I refused to allow him to see any kind of bitterness or anger, as I am way past that. He told an aquaintence of mine that he saw me and I acted like we never had a relationship or anything, he then said, "I guess I never really mattered to her". lol lol He's the one who ended it, afraid when things got to intimate for to long, he'd run. We would go back to remaining friends ( I guess I was co-dependant) then things would build back up again until it got to cozy and he'd run away again. I finaly let go, stopped the friends only thing and grieved the relationship (I never though I would ever get over it) I survived, like childbirth, don't remember the pain. I remember feeling rejected and hurt, crying alot but that pain I never though I would ever stop feeling, I don't remember it now. I needed to learn the lession of putting myself first instead of someone else and there feelings, I needed to learn the lession of co-dependency and how ill it can make you. I thank my higher power for bringing this person into my life so I could learn those lessions.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
2:07 pm
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VelvetHeart
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Atalose, I wonder if we have the same exbf, he sounds just like mine with his pattern of ex's being friends, Sheesh! It's inspiring to hear that you overcame your grief and actually don't remember the pain now and that you used the experience for your higher good by turning it into a very important life lesson. Very admirable. I hope to attain that level of strength, I feel I'm on the right path.

(((Ma Strong, taj, zax, atalose))) YOU ROCK!

I've been printing out your posts and I read them very often for strength and comfort.

Love, ~Velvet~

October 20, 2006
2:57 pm
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atalose
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You appear to be exactly on the right path. It takes time to heal from relationships. It's better that you are processing all this, learning from it and not rushing to move on to the next bus waiting to run you over! So many woman jump from one bad relationship right into the next and always asking themselves why do all my relationships fail. They don't allow themselves to heal or learn. Take your time, be patient with yourself and understand, every emotion you are feeling is alright and remember, this to shal pass....

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 20, 2006
3:03 pm
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doubleloss
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hi velvet, how are you today? it is good to hear that you are thinking "what a jerk!" , sounds healthy to me. 2 months for me is not really enough, i still miss the guy or the idea or whatever, it still hurts. when he dumped me i had NO idea it was coming, so i guess i'm still spinning, i'm better yes i am, but really not over it. so it's good to know that all these feelings eventually go away.

well, i hope your x doesn't bother you any more. can you block him on your phone? if you talked to him ... what would you tell him?

i keep rehearsing what i would say to xbf, gosh, i'm obsessed, though the thoughts are not 24/7 now, maybe 18/7 but heck, that's progress.

((((velvet))))

October 21, 2006
8:17 am
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Hi Velvet

I've been reading your posts here and there. Sorry I don't have more time to write. I work a lot.

It sounds like you are doing great. NO contact is really important - think of it as your way of saying "No more. I am in control, not you." You may even want to think of a simple statement to say if you should ever get caught off guard and he calls. Mine is: "I am not the person I used to be, I can't help you anymore." Think of your own, write it down if you have to, practice saying it, just don't be surprised if he tries to reach you again, because these manipulative types usually do. You provided something he needed, he will be back (or try to) if he needs anything again.

He may feel guilt, he may just want something. No matter. You hang in there.

Nine months no contact for me.

SO

October 21, 2006
10:15 am
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StronginHim77
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startingover...

Didn't realize you were at NINE MONTHS of No Contact. Awesome! I am so genuinely glad for you.

Is life getting better?

Share, girlfriend!!

- Ma Strong

October 27, 2006
12:02 pm
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VelvetHeart
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Well, I just walked into my office and on my chair is the cd I bought for my xbf. Seems he gave it to his friend who works in my bldg. when he was in town last week. So I called his friend and asked if he put it on my chair, and he said, Yes I did. I said OK, thank you, both said goodbye and hung up. So I'm thinking the xbf is getting back at me for not returning his call from last week. Maybe he's still trying to get a response from me? Or he's telling me he's getting rid of my stuff and moving on? But he could have just thrown the cd away. Now he has me somewhat aggitated, but I'm trying to see the humor in this so I can let it and him GO!

~Velvet

October 27, 2006
12:08 pm
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taj64
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It is amazing how materials possessions between ex partners always come into play after a break up. It ties you to the other person, give you reason to be tied. And it does work both ways. Because he is sending to keep tied to you and you are assuming he did it to get back at your. Maybe he did, maybe he did not. Yes he could have thrown it away but he didn't. You are doing the right thing, let it go because the two of you are over and you have your CD back and there is no reason for you to contact him. A thank you isn't even necessary. It was his choice to return it whether or not a thanks is returned. SO smile and have a good day, you have your CD back.

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