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I can see it now
May 23, 2006
5:10 pm
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SophaDizz
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It is so funny...when i attended my coda meeting and read the characteristics of a person with codependency issues i could identify with a few of them but now that i have been in coda for two months i am finally beginning to see it now. Today my boyfriend left to go to a meeting at work. Well the meeting was cancelled which he didn;t bother to call and tell me until an hour after it was cancelled. He said him and some coworkers were going to go out to breakfest. Now i also work with him but did not need to attend the meeting. He invited me but i declined because i was supposed to have lunch with my mom. I ended up falling back asleep becuase i haven;t been feeling well and called my mom and had to cancel lunch. by this time it was noon and he still wasn't home like he told me he would be after breakfest so i called him. He then said he was now at a different resturant having some drinks and that he would be home soon. It is now 2 pm and he still isn't home. I am sooooo mad at him but the funny thing is that i know he has to work at 3 pm and i ironed all of his work clothes for him!! it like i want him to see that i am a great girlfriend and look what i did for him while he was lying to me but on the other hand i wanted to just get all of my work clothes together and forget about him. He is the one who lied to me now he should have to suffer and be late to work right? You would think thats the way is should be. but in the back of my mind i want him to see how good i am to him and i was afraid that if i ironed my own clothes and not his he would be mad at me...when is it my turn to be mad at him and not have to feel bad for being mad...i can;t wait to learn how to break this vicous cycle!!

May 23, 2006
7:41 pm
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looking forward mom
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hang in there. you will learn to break the vicious cycle and begin to feel better. this is a great place to vent and read and learn. i don't post much but it sure has helped me.

May 24, 2006
7:40 am
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sleepless in uk
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Soph

I so know how that feels.....doing something for him but resenting it at the same time, knowing you have a right to feel aggrieved but not being able to articulate it without sounding petty, wanting him to see what a great personhe has and what a jerk he is being....and all the time being a little afraid not to do it for him because you know an awful row might start and you will feel even worse.......sound familiar??

That is the way I am...or rather the way I was. Well I suppoise I still am really but I am trying so hard to make changes...I have finally realised that I cant change him but I CAN change me....so now if I think I am going to resent doing somethingI just dont do it...or at least I try not to...and neither do I apologise every 5 minutes or ask his permission to do things or spend money etc etc......and if he is being abusive I dont worry about trying to make things right between us I walk away...and I am trying not to cover for him or pretend to other people any more. I tell it like it is and instead of being embarassed for him I think 'this is NOT a reflection of me...it is a reflection of him'

dont know if that makes sense and it is pretty hard and very exhausting but it has helped me be able to tolerate my situation for now

hope it helps

May 24, 2006
9:02 am
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taj64
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It must be hard for you to live that way. I think why would you want to do those little things for him if he doesn't return it to you and not that you should expect it but he doesn't seem to appreciate it, is the real problem. Don't iron or do those things and instead do something for yourself. And do more stuff for you when you start looking at the clock for him. I doubt seriously he is checking his time. Can't he iron his own things?

May 25, 2006
12:27 am
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smarterone
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September 24, 2010
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Not so easy to change your ways. I know that. I am always doing and hate doing it but do it anyway then i get in a bad mood, cause i did it and they expect me to do it. I know you understood that circle of talk.

May 25, 2006
3:54 am
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pez
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September 24, 2010
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You are so on your way to breaking the cycle! I found the hardest part is in recognizing it; the way you express yourself it is obvious you are looking for support rather than sympathy---whether you know it or not, you've done the battle!!!!

It's only a matter of time before you find the method of expressing the strength you already possess inside of you; the strength to feel deserving of the respect you know you deserve.

You're there, you just don't know it yet...but I know you will soon!!!

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