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I called again
October 13, 2004
10:25 am
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starryslp
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She is mad because you are doing what you want...which is how it should be.

Just drop the dog off...no long talks or anything.
Eventually, she will get over being mad about it, and start wondering what is going on,... then maybe she will be a little kinder.

Please let me know how it goes.

October 13, 2004
3:43 pm
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Patarino
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I think perhaps you are right ... that over time she will be kinder. I hope so. How is your day?

October 13, 2004
4:06 pm
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starryslp
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not good today patarino...
i just posted that i feel myself desperate to call him....even though it wont do any good.

i dont know what i am thinking. what will calling him solve...he isn't going to say he wants me back, and that is really the only thing i would want to hear from him.

ugh.....i feel sick.

October 13, 2004
4:35 pm
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upfront
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Your last post reminded me alot about my expectations. I just have these expectations that never get met. . When i get in the obsessive mode, like where is he, why isn't he at work, is he out bingeing today and I just feel like jumping in my car and racing around to every dive and hotel, I stop. I say, if my daughter was doing this, what would I say to her. It calms me down. I don't know if you have any children. But if someone you loved very much told you everything about their negative experience, then wanted to jump back into it, despite the pain, what would you tell them?

Can you tell yourself that? Talk to yourself like you are that friend that you love?

October 13, 2004
5:06 pm
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starryslp
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that idea is so wonderful..I am always amazed what i will let someone do to me, but i would detest it if it was done to a close friend.

I am so angry today that he is so ok with this being apart..he is the one who wanted to be together more than me at first....wow, what a difference a year makes.

October 13, 2004
5:07 pm
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Anonymous
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Yeah same with mine, he wanted to be together so much and then when I started to BAM, sorry I don't want to and so I end it and I feel like crap and I hate that.

October 13, 2004
5:15 pm
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starryslp
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Yah....he just goes about his day being happy, living with her ( who we both knew, and he couldn't stand her) and I am left here with a broken heart, still wanting to be his friend because that is what he wants....

October 14, 2004
1:42 pm
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petitefour
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I know what you all are going through as well. I just moved out of a house that was filled with anger, fear and pain (abuse) and now I cannot resist calling either. Not to talk directly to him, but to leave messages.

He,too,seems to be doing fine without me there, which hurts me more. I don't know why I cannot let go or leave this toxic relationship behind either................ I only went one day without calling in the past four..............today, I left two messages.

Ugh, I am so disappointed in myself, too.

October 14, 2004
2:22 pm
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starryslp
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I am a compulsive message leaver too.

I tend to leave really mean messages, and he always seems to call me back to yell at me about them.
When I leave a nice one he doesn't call me..so maybe his attention even though bad is what i crave...

October 14, 2004
3:30 pm
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curly
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I really like the helpful hints and sincere sharing on this post. I am very new at being alone, I have no boundaries and I have compulsions and obsessions about my boyfrined. Last night I drove 30 miles to see my boyfriend because he didn't call for 6 days. And I was trying to get out of the relationship because it is not good for me. He drinks as much as he can. I enable him to, I am an alcoholic and end up drinking with him - ruining my health, my job and spending money foolishly. Yet there I was last night driving to see him even though I was exhausted and have to move tomorrow morning from my apartment that he helped get me evicted from. All of a sudden I needed to know he still cares for me...he said he was letting me have the peace I said I wanted plus he was angry that I was giving him the bum rush out of my place when he came for a visit last week, so he didn't call as usual. Well he just called and was pretty drunk and this is what I miss. He is not mean or angry but obnoxious and just in another world...I need to be locked up.

October 14, 2004
3:40 pm
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Cici
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starryslp - that was a very insightful analysis of yourself, I think.

October 14, 2004
4:24 pm
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starryslp
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I think so too.....Curly, what do you mean by being locked up?

I have realized with help from all of you how wrong I have been being so obsessed..

It is not fair to my ex, or to me.

I am humiliating myself by letting someone have this control over me.

Wow, I feel good today.

October 14, 2004
4:45 pm
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Patarino
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I am glad you're having a good day starry. Wish I could say the same. Today sucks. I feel like such a failure. I wanted to get on here and lie ... to say I haven't called. But really what's the point of being here then huh? I called and stayed there last night. It was all right but the phone rang at 11:30 pm. Some stranger I have never heard of leaving a meesage. She says she doesn't know who it was. Doesn't know the name ... funny but they asked for her by name. She says they must have gotten the phone number off the side of her truck ... funny then why did they call her cell phone too????? Always lies and more lies. Still I never learn. Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary ... yeehaw

October 14, 2004
4:49 pm
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starryslp
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I am so glad to hear from you...I have been wondering so much about you.

dont be angry at yourself... you can
always start today, or tommorow.

I think things like late night phone calls should give you an idea that something may be going on that you don't know. I don't want to upset you but if it was me I would be suspicous too...

you said everything else went ok? Are you feeling better about maybe trying to work it out?

Again, so glad to hear from you.

October 14, 2004
4:49 pm
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Patarino
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Why do they tell you they love you and want to be with you and then lie to you ... why?? I don't get it. What they want is to be able to do WHATEVER they want and for you to be OK with it. And then ... when they get themselves in trouble you are supposed to "help" them out of it. Be there for them and take care of it all ... no onder we are co-dependent. I still don't understand how they can say they love you over and over but they really just love themselves ???? augh ... my head is soo confused

October 14, 2004
4:53 pm
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starryslp
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Patarino....I know exactly how you feel...again.

I don't know how a man ( in my case) can tell you things like, " I want to have a family with you" I want to marry you...etc....and then be so cruel, and so ok with hurting you.

It is a harsh reality when you realize that you love someone else, more than they love you, and more than you love yourself.

(((( HUGS))))

Lets do the 21 day no contact..or if that is too long to shoot for..how about a 3 day one..

Sometimes, do you ever wish she would find someone new, so you could just be done??? Just wondering?

October 14, 2004
5:03 pm
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Patarino
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YES!! I wish that she would find someone new or move back home. I wish that she would tell me to GET OUT so it would be done. But still ... she doesn't ... she says she loves me and wants to work it out. This behavior is so typical of addict and codependent. But how do you know when it's real. How do you know? The answer is you DON'T know. You NEVER EVER know. So you hang on and hang on hoping for some sort of sign ... like that is EVER going to happen. The strange phone calls and the lying about where she is are not her cheating. (that would actually be an eaiser thing to cope with) She is an addict (recovering ... I think so far) and she has addicts and losers for friends. She makes contact with them (they live on the river banks and canals ... homeless because they are worthless) and then lies about it because she knows she should not be talking to them. She LIKES the idea that they miss her, that they need her. She was like the queen of the addicts. She is the only one who has a house and a job and a car and a life etc. She likes to be treated like the big cahuna. No one else we know will treat her like that because they know she is just a lying mean miserable person. They love her a great deal but don't like her at all. I love her too ... but is it love or am I just stuck in this obsessive habit of codependence??? I just want to be happy.

October 14, 2004
5:14 pm
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Patarino
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Tomorrow is our anniversary. She has been telling me for days that she got me the coolest thing ... that i am going to DIE! Whatever! Anyway, I always feel like such a peice of crap when I am mean to her ... or try to be mean (strong and stand up for myself). It literally makes me feel bad ... hurts inside to hurt her. I KNOW this is crazy ... I know this is just CRAZY but still it is the honest truth. So ... NO CONTACT ... whew ... how can I have no contact when I am supposed to have her over for our anniversary. We have a son too ... hers but he has been mine for 5 years too ... how can I just run .. EVERYONE says to do it ... but how can I when it seems so much to me like they need me. She has said she is sorry and thankful to me for being there the whole time she was "gone" ... doing drugs. But still our life in the same ... lies and distrust. I wish I could explain the whole thing ... but I suppose I am just like most others on here ... just reaching out for s little friendly advice and someone who knows what I'm going through and doesn't judge me for being such a doormat.

October 14, 2004
6:03 pm
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starryslp
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You said it..You want to be happy...if this isn't making you happy, why remain in it for one more day.

I think we all feel like we owe these people, doesn't it bug you they don't feel like they owe us.

We should owe ourselves for a change...

October 15, 2004
1:09 am
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art angel
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It is a harsh reality when you realize that you love someone else, more than they love you, and more than you love yourself.

Starry, what a true statement. Thanks for this.
love from Artangel

P.S. Patarino, we are here for you!

October 15, 2004
1:24 am
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Zinnie
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Patarino,

You said that someone was calling her at almost midnight, you KNOW she is lying to you, yet you stayed?

Why?

Look at it this way. Read what you wrote, but pretend your son wrote it.

What would you tell him?

Z.

October 15, 2004
1:51 am
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Patarino
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Zinnie
Wow ... when you put it like that it really sounds pathetic doesn't it! I KNOW she lied but still stay???? What the heck is wrong with me. Just talked to her ... she called me to say good night. Said she loves me blah blah blah. Tomorrow is our anniversary ... 5 years. She is sick ... I can no longer make excuses for her behavior other than that she is just really sick.
I would tell my son he deserves better. That NO ONE deserves to be lied to. That everyone makes mistakes but not the same ones over and over. I would tell him to get out!

October 15, 2004
1:59 am
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Zinnie
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Patarino,

There comes a time in our lives when we have to make decisions about where we want our lives to lead us.

Like I have counseled my own kids as they have grown up: "No one else can make you happy - you have to do that for yourself."

That is what you must do. There is a whole other world out there, and guess what? Just read these boards here... there are tons of women out there that would give their right arm to have a man to was faithful, loving, protective and giving.

For some reason, so many of us delude ourselves into thinking "we can change them. We CAN do this because WE LOVE THEM!" However, in the course of trying to do this we neglect to care for ourselves. I learned the hard way - although you are on a rougher path, you have been at it for five years, mine was only a few months. But, my starting point was when I realized "THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT AND I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS!"

Like I'm telling you, read your posts as if this was your son or daughter talking, and think to yourself "what would I tell them?"

Z.

October 15, 2004
2:11 am
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Patarino
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Zinnie ... thanks.

October 15, 2004
10:08 am
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starryslp
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Patarino....

Please don't let her words make you forgive her for her actions.

" No matter what you say it is your actions that speak for you"

A friend of mine, said this to me when I was with my ex...at the time, I didn't really listen, because I didn't want to believe it. But it is true...

You are strong..and in your heart you know the truth....

Please keep posting, and venting.

I am going to need you today...I can tell already.

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