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I broke up with my drug abuser co dep. girl friend and was but my fear of abandonment has ruined everything
February 22, 2006
12:10 pm
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Bazil
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I was doing ok... but i couldn't stop calling and emailing and she finally had enough. Ii dunno if i'm trying to save her or myself but i'm screwed up....she's so frustrated and hates me. why can't i just leave her alone instead of giving her all my stress and emotions because i'm so insecure with not being with her....???
Its all so psychological...when she went away to the uk for a week i was fine. and it was a relief to have some time for myself.
how do i fix this problem i have....? I hate this shit. I wanna cry Bazil

February 22, 2006
12:29 pm
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kathygy
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Bazil,

you can start by loving yourself just the way you are right now and finding compassion for the wounded child in you.

I suspect you are acting out childhood survival behaviors which makes then hard to stop. I don't think its this particular woman that you are reacting to but ratehr to the sources of your original wounds, your abandonment by your mother or father.

Do you attend any 12-step meetings? They can be very helpful and healing.

February 22, 2006
6:10 pm
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Bazil
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Kathygy, I definately think this is what i am doing, but my ex.gf was emotionally distant and a drug abuser. I suspect that she's been having rough times and not able to be there for me emotionally and thats caused me to act way out of wack. I'm feeling abandoned, lost, i was obcessively calling her when i was the one who broke up with her. She new i wasn't happy but she didn't want me to leave her.....now that i have i want to go back but she won't have it. ( which is good cuz we need time apart) She told me that the other day she was looking through the phone bill to see if i had been up to anything that would explain my withdrawn behaviour from her for the past month.....but i only love her and was never up to anything. How can she not see that its her cocaine and alcohol and emotional withdrawl from me thats making me feel this way. She's hurt also and confused and so am I. I've been acting so out of character that i've been obcessively calling her ( she always says her thing and hangs up when i sayanything she doesn't like) when we argue and now she called my mother ( i'm 36) and told her to get me to stop calling or she'll get the police involved. Its so rediculous that its come to this. We both need time apart for sure...but how do you ever know if this person is the right or wrong one? We both have major stress in our lives right now etc. Logically it should be over because she's a drug abuser / alcoholic and has no control over her money. And she's very co dep.
But i'm not fooling anyone either...I have my own issues too. Fear of abandonment among others. My true hope is that after we spend some time apart she'll wanna talk again and hopefully her love for me will still be strong. I think mine will be.
Is this delusional thinking or can this happen? Should i just let the addict / co dep. go and get on with my life...? I'm so confused!!!
I know i'm not gonna change anything today....but hopefully her anger will subside and we'll be able to communicate again soon. Any comments?

February 22, 2006
7:10 pm
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gingerleigh
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There's another thread going on over on the Liberation Brew threads about Altruistic Love, and there are some folks talking about how a healthy relationship has to involve two healthy and whole people who are able to love themselves and meet their own needs first before they can really give freely and lovingly in a relationship with another person.

Yes, your ex has issues. You point out that you do also. In some ways, it seems like the alcoholics or the drug addicts have it easier... they can see that they have a problem (empty bottles around the house, needing a drink in the morning, physical shakes, etc.), and there are well-known programs like AA and NA in place to help them. Alcoholism is widely recognized as a disease, a physical addiction. "Fear of abandonment" and other deeply seeded personal issues that many of us carry around are so much trickier to deal with because the symptoms aren't as noticeable until it gets so serious. Continually calling someone over and over even though they've threatened to get the police involved is the equivalent of the drunk needing a few shots in the morning to start the day. Both indicate that the person is really having a tough time of it and needs a chance to heal themselves through detox.

You, my friend, are in just as rough of a spot as your ex right now. Your pain is just as real and just as consuming as any addict's pain is.

If you let her go, that leaves your arms free to grab a hold of yourself. It's lonely and its scary, and it can sometimes be downright boring while you're getting used to the complete lack of drama. That in itself creates drama.

Please be patient with yourself. I encourage you to reach out to people here to get support in trying a "no contact" approach with your ex. It doesn't have to be forever, think of it the way that AA does, just "one day at a time".

Just for today, don't contact her. Tomorrow you can determine if you want to contact her, but for today, don't do it. Tomorrow, talk to some of the folks here before you pick up that phone, and only then should you make a choice. And if you do choose to call her tomorrow, hey, there's always the next day.

February 22, 2006
7:33 pm
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Bazil
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thanks gingerleigh, i noticed she called thisafternoon so i returned her call on and left a message saying she could email me if it was urgent.
I picked up "codep. no more " and a book on fear of abandonment and dealing with abandonment issues....so i'm ready to read. She told me last time we broke up that she couldn't stop thinking about me etc and still loved me.....i hope she still feels the same way but i don't know. My fear is that she'll follow through and never talk to me again. But really i know she loves me more than anything. God!!!I'm rediculous. Care to comment? I appreciate your input

February 23, 2006
12:52 am
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ryny143
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Hey you! I'm sorry this is happening- it really is a horrible feeling to have everyday. The previous advice you have gotten is definitely great- more than I could offer!!! But, I just think that it is going to be hard to see her eye-to-eye, because she is so addicted to drugs- her mindset is completely different I'm SURE. You have the same fears I do- I break up with my bf (justifiably!!!), and when I don't get the reaction I want, and EXPECT from him, it starts a chain of panic & anxiety, even though I broke up with him. I think you just need to decide once & for all if you DO want to end things completely, and try your best to follow through. It is SO hard, I know. I couldn't do it like that, so I am taking it day by day, and when the recurring problems come up, I handle them differently, and do what will make me happy in the LONG RUN- not what will keep me calm and "comfortable" in the immediate moment.

One more thing- the fact that she called you today, might be calming you down and making you hopeful, but dont let whether or not she contacts you, the basis of your feelings. She needs to stop the drugs or nothing will change. You did nothing wrong, and I'm sure she knows that you are just as great as you have always been. The accusations, etc., seem to just be ways of getting the spotlight off of her. My opinion is that she will never just stop talking to you- she knows you did nothing wrong. Don't make yourself nuts! Try to think long & hard before freaking out and getting too upset! Best of luck hun!!!

February 23, 2006
3:38 am
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das033
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bazil,
I would like to add a little of my thoughts that i hope will help.

one: hopefully she will see losing/ruining a great guy/relationship as part of hitting rock bottom, and as i mentioned before that is just how some people learn the hard way. at the rate she is going it will happen.

two: do not think how much she loves you and how much you love her, this will only prolong the pain and fear.
There is a good reason why you are in this situation of seperating and that is because there are issues and you chose not to put up with her issues/addiction anymore.
and this is where your focus needs to be.
Your focus needs to be on how horrible it is too live with an addict that is sucking you dry mentally,emotionally and financially.

so... FOCUS,FOCUS,FOCUS!!!

evertime you think something positive about her, stop yourself and think something negative about her addiction. that way you can stay as strong and firm on your decission of leaving as you need to be.

again, FOCUS!

mix a little ryny and kathy, sprinkle a some ginger and das on top. open a couple of good and newly purchased books and this sounds like a great recipe for self help and fear abandoment no more. you will be alright. and you will be glad you did.
be tough, strong on this journey and focus on taking care of yourself.
If it means keeping yourself busy so that you are not bored and thinking about her. Being too busy too pick up the phone will be a good thing.

you can do it, we have faith in you.

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