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I broke the no contact rule again....
October 26, 2007
2:55 pm
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RaggedyAnn
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I hate myself, I feel addicted to this guy. I broke the no contact rule and feel pathetic. Like some needy idiot who just can't get over the fact that he does not want me. I feel the rejection, the low self esteem, everything. I just want him to love me like he did before. I cannot let go of this urge to hear him say he loves me and wants me back. I am stupid. I sent him 2 letters and texted him 3 or 4 times. After I do it I feel guilty. I think he is gonna think I am crazy. He does not repspond to my text messages. I read them over and then I feel stupid and pathetic. I can't get over the fact that he does not want to committ to me. I hate myself. HELP ME GET OVER THIS GUY. PLEASE GOD!

October 26, 2007
3:00 pm
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DorisDay
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Oh honey..this too just happened to me 10 days ago.

After 3 years of him being my world..nothing. He took up with another woman, too, and I found out.

I am in therapy and CODA meetings. I REFUSE to contact him. I will cry to my friends, come here and post, go to CODA meetings...but these scum-bags get a thrill out of us begging..trust me.

It is hard for me to imagine that they move on so easily from us.

Try to cry to others..come here to post...go to a free CODA meeting in your area. CRY. CRYING IS GOOD..IT IS TEARS FOR THE SOUL.

I am so so so sorry you are going through this. I cry, too.

October 26, 2007
3:02 pm
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CAMER
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Raggedy, stop beating yourself up!! well, you sent him a text message and a few letters with no response yet.....learn from this.....and yes,
you may feel really low now and rejected, but grab a hold of yourself and consider this a mistake...heck, we all make them.

You even know that he doesn't want to commit to you, keep saying that and refreshing your mind, each time you may feel weak and want to talk with him.

Remember Raggedy, you deserve so much better, and certainly not this guy.

Think of all your good qualities, all of them, and yes you do have them.

Hope you are feeling a lil' better....(((camer)))

October 26, 2007
3:11 pm
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LOTSOFFEAR
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R,
Do not beat yourself up you are human...You know god puts people in our lives for a reason...This will be the lesson you learn to get help...What you need to do is start going to coda meetings...I had too...It has been 4 weeks now since I had contact with my ex and it is still hard...You need to take it one day at a time...Get the book co-dependent no more...

You are better than him take your power back....One day you will realize what an ass he is and thank god you are not with him any longer...

He is not worthy of all this love you want to give save it for yourself and someone wonderful will come into your life....

October 26, 2007
3:13 pm
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DorisDay
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Isn't CODA great? I cried so hard last week, my face was chapped.

I did so much better after one meeting! If anything, CODA gives you a venue to VENT!

I have my second meeting tomorrow....I highly recommend them~!

October 26, 2007
3:17 pm
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RaggedyAnn
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Thank you all....before I was writing this note, I even felt like I wanted to call him and ask him why he doesn't respond to my text messages. I even wanted to ask him if he doesn't respond because maybe he might have a new girlfriend. These are all the thoughts I get. "he's not responding to me because he has a new girlfriend" and on and on the wheels in my head turn. Its torture.

October 26, 2007
3:17 pm
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LOTSOFFEAR
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coda meetings are great I go twice a week...The one on saturday is hour and a half...We work on the steps...very empowering...It is wonderful to only have to worry about yourself and not someone else...

October 26, 2007
3:20 pm
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LOTSOFFEAR
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R,
You need to stop obsessing...I know it is hard...He is not your higher power he is just a man...There are plenty of them....

You also need to get help, because you may have some underlying issues that you need to address....

Try to think of something else...get busy taking care of yourself

October 26, 2007
3:22 pm
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DorisDay
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Honey..I know torture.

My therapist told me that since this guy is like a drug to me, I have to quit, cold turkey. As much as it pained me, I just threw away all his love letters, cards, notes attached to flowers he would send...PURGED.

We used to talk on the phone every day for hours. We used to IM. I would get e-cards and messages CONSTANTLY. It has all stopped. 10 days. Done. He was busted for being with another and I wouldn't tolerate that.

The last time I spoke with him (10 days and counting) I asked 'don't you miss talking to me?' He said "it does feel kind weird." KINDA WEIRD? What a cold heartless creep! KINDA WEIRD? That is all I have been diminished to in his bald head?

I loved my mother. She died in 2000. I said to myself..."NOBODY TREATS MY MOTHER'S DAUGHTER LIKE THIS. HE IS DOG CRAP ON THE BOTTOM OF MY SHOE."

Sure, this stinks. It hurts. The mind is tricky and seems to filter out the bad times and only lets you remember the good times with these creeps.

Remember, what goes around comes around. GET MAD. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS ABUSE!

HUGS AND LOVE!

October 26, 2007
3:26 pm
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LOTSOFFEAR
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R,
Get pissed off he is not worthy of you and your love...

remember when you contact him you are giving your power to him and does not deserve it...

October 26, 2007
4:11 pm
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RaggedyAnn
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I do have a therpist and if she knew I was texting, and writing letters she'd scold me. I have attended Coda meetings but all they do is talk about depressing things, they do not work on the steps. I haven't attended in a while. I will try to attend again. I know my issues and am working on them. But it is very difficult to let go of someone you love and who supposedly says he loves you back. Please understand...Thank you.I take all of your advice to heart.

October 26, 2007
4:17 pm
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DorisDay
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R-

This is my fifth therapist. NO ONE BEFORE has mentioned the word codependency. Also, I would look for another therapist if the present one "scolds." THAT IS THE LAST THING YOU NEED!

CODA - my group doesn't work on steps either. However, another group up the road may. I just haven't taken a "tour" yet! My therapist did warn me that sometimes, in the wrong CODA group, you can get "stuck" in your misery.

I understand perfectly what you are going through. It is 4:17 where I am, and I am thinking of the scum-bag getting off of work...and doing God-knows-what! I am sure he has some babes locally now. He was/is BIG into Eharmony and Match.com. I am sure he is screwing his brains out.

Well, the next time that he cheats..it won't be on me!

I know EXACTLY how you feel. No matter how poorly they treat us, we "love" them. However, they are nothing more than a bad habit...trust me!

October 26, 2007
8:44 pm
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lissy1208
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it's hard I know and once you start I know you get desperate because you deserve better and he's not acknowledging that. Try not to think of him because he didn't love you and treat you the way you should have treated and it's better to start loving yourself anyways then to be in a relationship where when your not with him your hurt and it's always a struggle. At least this is the way I feel about myself. I hope it helps.

October 27, 2007
6:24 pm
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jachelb
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After 3 years and a couple months she decided that she needed to figure out who she was. I cannot let go. I can't make her come back. We were gonna were gonna get married. We almost made it a year on engagement. I have to get her back. I don't care how long it takes. It's been 2 weeks exactly since we broke up. Everone says to leave her alone. I've never hurt like this. I tried to move on but she still has my heart. I don't know why I am hear.

October 27, 2007
8:24 pm
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razor
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Doris Day, The last time I spoke with him (10 days and counting) I asked 'don't you miss talking to me?' He said "it does feel kind weird." KINDA WEIRD? What a cold heartless creep! KINDA WEIRD? That is all I have been diminished to in his bald head?

When I read this I thought you were talking about my ex!
RaggedyAnn,
I think there are always going to be people that are stuck in their misery. I find them in alanon too.
Hopefully there are enough people working on recovery that they can pull the meeting out of the crapper.
As for the texting and such
Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all done it. I was very hard on myself for a long time because I was "stupid" enough to love a moron.
And there were days I wanted to call him up and scream at him for being able to live his life and never talk to me. We had been together several years and talked everyday. How do you just stop that all at once. I wanted a reason why this happened and wanted to scream at him until he gave me one.
Have you read the first post on the charmers/abusers thread?
This might night apply to your ex at all but I thought I would mention it because it was really an eye opener for me.
I thought I was the one person in the world that could never recover from a broken heart. I had been miserable for 5 or so years.
Check it out ((Hugs))--Razor

October 27, 2007
11:21 pm
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DorisDay
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Great post Razor!

Yes, the charmer/abuser thread was a tremendous eye-opener for me.

As I asked my therapist, how do you flush 3 years of constant contact down the toilet? I didn't even get an "I'm sorry" from the scum bag who was busted with another woman. No email, no voicemail, nothing. If I do, the therapist told me NOT TO RESPOND OR PICK UP THE PHONE. I WON'T!

I have to liken him to a bad drug. I am an addict, and to have contact with him would really set me back. I too have a TON of questions for him. However, he would probably answer with more lies. My therapist said we can try to analyze his behavior from now until doomsday..and will NEVER know why he did what he did.

Razor..I may indeed be talking about your ex..LOL..evidently, mine is sleeping with everybody now! He is bald, a psychologist..so watch out. He is a real charmer.

I will I could take everbody's pain away. THIS STINKS.

HUGS AND LOVE TO ALL!

October 27, 2007
11:40 pm
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razor
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You are sooo right.
I wanted answers too but I knew I would only get more lies.
So at last I am through trying to figure him out.
My plan now IF he contacts me is INDIFFERENCE!
Bald..but no psychologist:)

October 28, 2007
1:38 am
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marypoppins
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I've gone back and forth with no contact and checking out the new girlfriend's myspace page, blog, photos. Yeah, she referred to him as the "best boyfriend ever!". Damn. Yes, I've tortured myself. I feel horrible for spying and devasted by what I've seen and read. No contact is the only way. Now I'm giving myself stars on a calender for every day of no contact and no Internet stalking/lurking/spying - whatever you want to call it. All of it does nothing but wear away already low self-esteem. Someone on this site wrote that "they don't want us, but they still want us to want them". SO, this is what I remind myself of when I'm tempted to email or call - he doesn't deserve ONE MORE word from me. He has to be dead to me. It's the only way.

Good luck to all of us trying to move forward and maintain no contact.

Mary

October 28, 2007
1:48 am
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marypoppins
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calendar not calender...

October 28, 2007
7:39 am
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DorisDay
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Marypoppins and Razor:

It is Sunday morning..and I am logging in real fast prior to Church.

THANK YOU BOTH for seeing me through a rough patch here. I read your posts and I am feeling empowered again.

I have sworn on the lives of my dogs (who I adore...and HE DID NOT) that I will NEVER go onto any of THE sites to torture myself. I have access to his new girlfriend's website (it is public) and don't ask..but I have access to a few of his email boxes (that is how I caught his infidelity). I told myself if I dare go on those sights my dogs will get sick....well, since I love my dogs to pieces I am POSITIVE I won't lurk..that scum bag isn't worth it.

The mind is such a tricky thing. WE KNOW THESE MEN ARE SCUM yet we mourn. Last night I was at a friend's house for dinner and all I could think about was him screwing another woman..I mean the ACTUAL act...and the words he wrote in his email to the gal he met on his business trip: "You mesmerize me..you have made me forget my girlfriend's face..I am a hopeless romantic." THESE WORDS KILL ME.

I cannot give him power. I come here, type, get it out of my system. I am going to CODA meetins,I am in therapy. I realize time will heal this wound...but DAMN HIM A MILLION TIMES.

HUGS TO YOU FABULOUS SOULS!

October 28, 2007
3:58 pm
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razor
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DorisDay
How nice it was to see my name on here when I first checked this morning. I am glad I could help in anyway.
I have just started coda,3 meetings so far but they are just what I need. You said we know they are scum but we mourn anyway and that is so true.
I did in a big way until I read the charmers abusers thread and for some reason I actually heard what she was saying and could see him for what he was and that was the first time I actually believed that I could get over him and maybe even be happy again. It was really a lightbulb moment.

A lot of the things I had heard before but I had never really put it all together or actually paid attention to it. But everything just fell into place that night I just sit here reading with my mouth open.
She said the hardest part for women was forgiving themselves for falling for this type of person and that was so right on. I felt so much shame because I ever believed anything he said.
Thank goodness my sister has gone to visit our other sister and I can have my computer back for awhile. If she doesn't get her car fixed soon and get her butt on the road and I am going to lose it.

October 28, 2007
4:03 pm
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razor
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MaryPopping
I am glad my ex doesn't have myspace that would be very tempting to look at.
Keep getting those stars

Jachelb,
I don't know your story. Tell us more.

October 28, 2007
6:04 pm
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DorisDay
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Hi Razor!

I had no idea I suffered from codependency, suckered by the Charmer/Abuser, until I found this site. I too had THE moment, with my jaw to the ground, reading about this monster. This jerk EPITOMIZES the Charmer/abuser and I am THE CODEPENDENT of the year! He preyed upon me. HE KNEW IT..HE IS A PSYCHOLOGIST! What better profession than to sniff out codependents.

This has been a very tough day. I love you all for your inspiring words of hope and support.

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