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I betrayed myself again
April 9, 2005
2:48 pm
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chickyfighter
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I went to see him...the whole month of no conctact was useless...

April 9, 2005
3:06 pm
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chickyfighter
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I called him Wed. went over to see him, and it was nice, he was sweet, but I know he is not mine...We talked about what had happened for the last month...I don't think he trusts I will stay...I was able to share w/him that I am learning to be intimate, and he said he was proud of me for growing...he had noticed that I had that problem from day 1.I felt cared for...I really felt missed by him, he held me all night...I have not talked to him since...I am so stressed, my house search may be coming to an end if my bid is the best.. I am still searching for the ideal job. Has anyone heard of being anoretic in a love addiction? I was reading about it, and I think it is what I do, I numb myself & act like I don't care, and I know how to do that, but then it gets to be too much...I am tired of working on me...I have no energy left for me, I have so much work to do, moving soon, job change, my ex is coming back rom Iraq! I wish I wanted a relationship w/committment, I just don't. I think I want HIM b/c I am closer to the place where he is than the healthy one. I don't think I'll ever want anyone else, I love him so much, I know he won't change, so I either accept the sitiuation the way it is & stop complaining about it, or let go...(already tried the last one and it did not warok, I don't want to sound double minded, one minute I tell him I want him the next I don't and that makes me look stupid. My heart says yes and my head says no. I know I disappointed many of you, I am so sorry, I am going to a 2nd CODA meeting today...I guess the problem is I am not ready to let go...I was ready to let go of my exhusband more than ready when I let go, but it took so much crap,9 yrs, and him choosing another girl over me and his kids...With this person, I know HE (I need to give him a name b/c I always refer to him as HE, HIM, ok, he is "S"). S is not not like my exhusband, he has never made me leave, or tell me to go, or whatever, am I rationalizing? I don't know what is good in my thinking or bad.
Oh yeah, he is going to Singapore and coming back in 3 moths, and then Sweden for a little bit, but he is also buying a house here so that means I am bound to see have him close by forever! I feel bad for being so unreliable, he at least has never been double minded...I know God hates doubleminded people...

April 9, 2005
3:57 pm
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peacesoul
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Chicky....we are not at all disappointed. There are many steps we all need to take in the healing process and for you, this was one of them. Realizing that he will never change is a huge step.
I know you love him. I love my ex still too and he is a crazy in the head drug/booze/sex addict and near destroyed me, but for some reason I still have feelings.

I do not have contact with my ex and never will, but that was because I had enough. I was ready. You are not ready yet.

Keep on the road to healing and you will come to your point of having enough too.

One day you will be ready to let go.

We are here for you

April 9, 2005
6:52 pm
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Rasputin
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Chickyfighter,

I agree with peacesoul. You did Not betray yourself. We are not disappointed in you. On the contrary, I admire your candid honesty and openness. You are making baby steps and relapses are part of the recovery process.

Resume, keep us informed, I am keeping you in my prayers,

Rasputin

April 9, 2005
7:36 pm
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chickyfighter
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I went to a coda meeting, left feeling worse. There were 4 new people and I did not even get a chance to say anything, I wanted to share, I wanted to feel supported but there was not time. I feel so horrible. I hate loving, the sun is supposed to make me feel better, I feel like winter, cold, alone, empty, hopeless.

April 9, 2005
7:44 pm
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Rasputin
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This too shall pass. I was reading this biblical verse from a thread by intheprocess "Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning."

I know this feeling honey, but it is normal and shortlived. As the Bible says joy comes in the morning; or as we say tomorrow is another day.
I have lived before in these feelings no long ago, and hated myself and became hard on myself. I even had to pray and ask God to help me to forgive myself, even when I knew He had forgiven me. Just do not dwell on them. Write them down, vent here. You are growing Chickyfighter I can see that and I love you even when you fail!

April 9, 2005
8:13 pm
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chickyfighter
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Rasputin, the thing is that I hate myself for not wanting to be done w/him. I can say it and lie to myself, but deep w/in I love being around him. I think that if I understood HIM I would be able to let go better? Whatever pain I had from th past it was overshadowed Wednesday. I know it is my codependency that keeps me wanting to make him all better so HE will also find love w/in himself to just be w/one person, ideallly me, but even if it was not me, just so he would stop being so empty. I have heard him tell me that he is just not ready for a relationship, a million times butI have never asked if t is just me he is not wanting that with or is it just overall. I wish I had not seen how much he had let himself go per se while I have been away. He even commented on how he feels so "old and fat" (neither of which are true, but for him to verbalize that it is sad). He just looked as if he had aged a little and maybe put on a couple lbs. during the last month that I did not see him. He said he had started trying to eat well, salads, trying to make me proud of him I guess, but he said he still had not gotten to the working out part yet.I have let myself go too only it may not be physically evident but w/in I am a dead soul, I don't even know what feeling alive is like anymore.

April 9, 2005
8:13 pm
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chickyfighter
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BTW, I really needed to hear that I am loved regardeless of my shortcomings, which are so many, 🙂

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