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I believe Jimmy is a Narcissist!!
February 23, 2004
10:57 am
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onmymind
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I found this wonderful website http://www.survivingthenarcissist.com
After reading what exactly a narcissist is and the characterists are for one and realizing that Jimmy has all but maybe two of the characterists, I believe he is one of these people. The one that surprised me is about being an athiest. Jimmy doesn't believe in God. I just thought maybe he chose not to believe because of the way he was brought up, but now I think it is just part of being a narcissist!! I am going to read more about this and how to get out of this web he has me tangled in!! If you guys have any advice please give it to me!!
THANKS!!
Annette

February 23, 2004
12:31 pm
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marley
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congratulations Annette! I hope this helps you to get over Jimmy. I am going to look into this website myself

Marley

February 23, 2004
1:09 pm
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onmymind
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Hey Marley...You have to read this story...

I feel so much better just knowing all of this!!

http://www.angelfire.com/indie.....index.html

I laughed and cried when I read these. You must read all of them!! Let me know what you think!

-Annette

February 23, 2004
1:16 pm
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marley
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Annette

OMG I had to post you right away. She must know my EX - I swear he has done ALL of these things.

I am laughing for the first time in DAYS. Thank you so much for the site.

Marley

February 23, 2004
4:12 pm
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onmymind
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Marley...I knew you would relate to it!! You and I have so much in common!! I also laughed for the first time in days or weeks when i read it!! It makes you see things sooo much clearer and I don't know about you, but it just gave me some strength for some reason. I am going to do a lot of research on this and I will let you know if I find anything else worth reading. Thanks so much for all your help with everything!!

February 23, 2004
4:26 pm
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marley
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Annette -

Good luck, I will be anxious to know if you find anything else. I am beginning to see just how deluded I have been. At least it is now rather than 10-20-30 or even 1 year from now.

Thanks.

Marley

February 23, 2004
4:45 pm
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onmymind
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I know....i'm glad that I'm not the only one who thinks he is a narcissist...I think speaking to his ex helped me sooo much!! I know I was wrong...but heck...no harm done...only helped. I just wished I could speak to her as myself....just so we could discuss him. I thought about emailing her...but she really doesn't care about him and she has moved on...so why bring her back into it. Well, good luck to you as well!! Keep in touch!!

February 23, 2004
4:51 pm
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marley
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how can you talk to his Ex? In a chat room or something?

Anyway, if she can move on then you can too! There is hope for all of us. I feel so much better today!

Thanks for being here.

February 23, 2004
4:59 pm
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onmymind
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I know her yahoo chat ID, email address and her phone number. But I just chatted to her under a guy's ID and pretended to just be a guy and asked questions about her last boyfriend. She is a psychology major and she said he was a narcissist...amazing!!
It was much easier for her to move on because I don't believe she really loved him. They met in a chatroom and dated for a few months.
I know I can move on....but I will probably always love him. I wish I could help him, but I think getting involved and confronting him about my findings would only complicate things more....and I think it would be best for me to just let things fade out. I did speak to him this morning (he called me at 8:21am). But it's nice now...I just listen to him and be a friend....nothing more. He mentioned his money situation, but I didn't offer to help. I think things will just eventually fade, but I am ok with it...I have to be.
How are things going with you? I've been reading your other thread too...I know u are going through the same as I am....We'll help eachother get through all of this!!

February 23, 2004
5:03 pm
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Zinnie
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Annette,

You are still avoiding one of the main concerns here - what about your husband and family? Do you plan on going to some kind of couseling to deal with they "why you did this?"

Z.

February 23, 2004
5:08 pm
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Zinnie
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Also Annette, I pulled up the famous "Charmer/Abuser" thread - that our very own Ladeska wrote.

Once you read this, you will probably agree with most here that she needs to write a book on the subject.

Z.

February 24, 2004
7:57 am
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onmymind
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Zinnie,
I know I need to concentrate on my family now. But now that I feel I have a grip on my feelings for Jimmy I think I will be able to concentrate on my husband. I feel like I couldn't do anything because Jimmy was consuming all of my strength.
I know in my heart that I love him and I always will, but I also know that I will never be with him, nor do I want to. But I am a very caring person and I will never turn my back on anyone I care about, including Jimmy. He may be a Narcissist, but narcissists need friends too.
I copied and pasted that thread about the charmer onto my desktop and I will read it when I get a chance later today.
Thank you so much for your concerns.

ps...Jimmy beeped me at 7:30 this morning and needs money again...I'm staying strong. It's amazing now...I see the signs so clearly now. When he needs something, he always is sooo nice to me...I just find it quite sad actually.

February 24, 2004
12:21 pm
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marley
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Annette -

I am so happy at the improvements you have made in one short week! You give me hope. I think we should both be careful of this wanting to stand by our "friends" even though they are narcissists - I mean isn't that what they prey on - our niceness. I am having the same difficulty with my EX who now "needs" something (a ride from the airport) and I am not sure how to handle it, I want to be "nice" and pikc him up, but I want to have my own life too and see if I can live without him.

A little secret, I broke down last night and cried to my dog about how much I love him, I was quite helpful, but I have not emailed him yet and I do not think I will. I have nothing to say other than YES I will pick you up or NO I won't and until I make that decision . . . everything else is just poppycock.

February 24, 2004
1:36 pm
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onmymind
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Marley,
I have read so much on narcissism, but I can't seem to find anything that says how to help them heal and become better people.
I believe that maybe they just completely crave attention because they were not given that growing up. I don't know for sure, but it would make sense. I don't know about you ex...but Jimmy grew up not knowing his father and his mother was into drugs and his aunt raised him and is his only motherly figure now. He does not have a relationship with his mother at all, which is very sad to me.
I am not trying to make excuses for Jimmy, I honestly just want to be able to control my emotions for him and just try to help him be a better person inside. I think you ex called you to pick him up because he knows he can count on you. If you don't have anything else to do, I would just go pick him up...but you must stay in control of your feelings and emotions at all times. If you find yourself starting to be used...stop and get out of the situation.
Jimmy called me this morning at 7:30 am on my way to work and I think the main reason he called was because he is broke again....that seemed to be the base of our conversation...after talking small talk for the first few minutes. But...usually he will hint that he is broke and somehow I "volunter" to give him money. But this time...I just listened to him tell me that he thinks he might bounce a check because he accidently paid too much on his nextel bill when he paid it online last night. I just listened to him and I was concerned. He said he was going to call and see if he can get someone to hold that check until his check goes into the bank on thursday. I haven't heard from him anymore today...so maybe it all worked out for him.
One thing I did do today that I'm not really proud of is I went shopping during lunch and bought his son a birthday gift. I only spent $20 on it. I've always gotten his son something for his bday. His son was only 5 months old when we met....he will be 4 next week.
HE JUST BEEPED ME....LET ME CALL HIM BACK...

February 24, 2004
1:50 pm
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marley
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Annette -

I can't believe you are calling him back! Don't you dare give him a dime! Let him go hungry for a week or something and then maybe he call learn some PRIORITIES.

Remember what that web site said - they will always come running back to you when there is not enough attention elsewhere? It may be about more than money, but attention from you will only keep him happy for a little while and then he will be off again and you will feel the loss again.

Oh and about "curing" narcissism - I don't know if it is possible, with the possible exception of them realizing that they have this horrible way of treating people and WANTING to get over it themselves. By saying this I mean that you cannot go up to Jimmy and say "you are a narcissist - get some help". My father always said that people will not go for help until they feel that their lives are in complete shambles and then they fall to their knees and BEG and they remember this deprecation and it will keep them straight.

How is Jimmy ever supposed to feel loss when you are always there supporting him? How can he value your presence if he does not experience your absence? I am going through the same problem, I don't want him to think I have abandoned him to fate or that I don't care, but I don't want to be a doormate either. Right now, I am thinking he will realize that I didn't abandon him - AND that I will not be a doormat! I don't think I will pick him up from the airport - even though I want to so badly.

February 24, 2004
2:12 pm
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onmymind
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Marley...
I hope I did the right thing. I just got back...from depositing $120 into his banking account for him so he won't bounce a check. His ex-wife's mother works for his bank and he was trying to get her to see if the bank could just pay that check, but he said that since he's already bounced two checks this year she couldn't help him. And he said that if he bounced this check that he wrote to his work that he would get fired. So what was i supose to do?? But one thing DID bothered me. I was on the phone with him while at the drive thru at the bank so he could give me the account number. Well, after I deposited the money he asked me if he had told me about this "free" poker contest that he's playing in tonight to win $50 and then go to some finals game to hopefully win a trip to Vegas. That bothered me. He's always had a problem with gambling. And I remember yesterday he told me that he went out drinking with friends friday and saturday night and had too much to drink.
I'm wondering if I should had just told him I didn't have the money to give him....but if he would had gotten fired I would had felt like crap. And he did tell me that he could never thank me enough for helping me.
DANG IT!! I'm confused again!!!!!!!!!! HELPPPPP

February 24, 2004
2:20 pm
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Zinnie
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Wait a minute - he can play poker, he can go drinking - but you ran out and put $120 in his bank account so he would not bounce a check?

What is wrong with that picture?

Another question - does your husband question where this amount of money goes?

February 24, 2004
2:24 pm
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marley
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Annette!!!

Whose $120 did you deposit, was it really yours? Shouldn't that money be going to you, your family, your husband? I mean come on!!!! Now he has a drinking and a gambling problem - I am sure he CAN'T thank you enough for bailing his sorry ass out of trouble again. And if his mother-in-law won't help him why should you? If he gets fired, maybe that is exactly what he needs to get straight and figure out what is important in his life.

My sister had/has a bad drug problem (so do my dad and my uncle) and the one thing I have learned in going to all of the support groups is that addicts are manipulators. Jimmy sounds like a multiple addict (drinking, gambling, women/sex (?)) you CAN NOT help these people by helping them out, all you do is enable them! I am not kidding. It sounds harsh and it seems wrong to kick them to the curb and tell them to get their shit together, but what are you really doing other than keeping him from dealing with his own shit?

I helped my sister through college for 3 semesters, and at that time she had completed 5 classes (2 while in high school). She ended up getting one meaningless job after another and all the while making more money and doing harder drugs. About a year and a half ago she hit what we thought was rock bottom and my mom and I did what we could to help her out. You know what happened? After 11 months of us "helping her" and her being hospitalized twice she developed an even worse drug problem, pawned all the heirlooms she received when my grandmother died in April (including a 1.1 carat diamond engagement ring) and spent the money on drugs. Then her good for nothing boyfriend took the money and never returned home with the drugs.

Helping people does no one any good. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Does Jimmy have a problem? Yes. Does he know it? Probably not, because you are there to stop the floodgates and keep him from drowning. You need to let him do it on his own. Maybe he doesn't have the strength and if that is the case, what about him do you love exactly? Is it the distraction from your own life? Just a thought.

February 24, 2004
2:25 pm
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Zinnie,
I know...he told me that information after i made the deposit...and then i recalled him telling me yesterday about going drinking....there is a LOT wrong with that picture.
I control the money and pay the bills in my family, and I've never been late on any bill. I would not had given him the money if I didn't have any extra.

February 24, 2004
2:32 pm
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onmymind
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Marley,
I'm in tears now. I feel like every time I do something good for Jimmy it ends up being the wrong thing to do. I know what you are saying about adicts. It makes me feel good at the moment when I do help him...then after thinking about what I've done...and realizing what i've done...I feel like crap, dirt, trash, and mostly USED!!
I guess I am not as strong as I thought I was. I really thought I was doing better. You know...I wonder if he felt that I was gaining control over my emotions and feelings and did this to swallow me again. I think it said that narcissist will do that when they feel they are loosing control. I need to figure this out again...guess i'm going back to the start.
GOD HELP ME PLEASE!!!

February 24, 2004
2:34 pm
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onmymind
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Marley...
have u decided if you are going to pick your ex up yet?

February 24, 2004
2:43 pm
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marley
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Annette -

Don't cry, I mean you really didn't do anything WRONG. Just maybe something not in your best interests. I don't know if Jimmy is trying to gain control over you or not, but he definitely relies on you to take care of his problems. Don't be his crutch.

I change my mind every minute about this airport thing. I am trying to look at it objectively and I know I would pick up any other person I know at the airport, yet I feel like I should not do him this one little favor as a way to make a stand, however, he is never good at the unstated hints, so I am thinking I will pick him up and bring him home and drop him off and not linger around and tell him how things were while he was gone and basically not act as if I was his girlfriend, just waiting for him to come home. Yet I am terrified of being near him, b/c if he puts his arm around me just once I forget everything and he becomes the center of the universe - sick I KNOW! So then I think for this reason alone I should not go.

So maybe what I will do is send him an email telling him that I will call the super shuttle for him and arrange for a pick up, and let him know where I will put his key and just leave it at that. I know that he won't understand and he will be confused and hurt, but maybe it is for the best?

I can't tell just yet - I need more time.

Any advice?

February 24, 2004
2:53 pm
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onmymind
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Marley, now i'm just laughing my butt off!! You are asking ME for advice??? I just ran to the bank and deposited money into a guys account that has done nothing but caused me heartache and pain!!
I guess my main problem is that i'm too nice. If I were you, I know I would pick him up and act like his best friend, probably even buy him dinner. That's the dumb caring me.
So my advice would do the complete opposite of what I would do!!

I laughed when you said."if he puts his arm around me just once I forget everything and he becomes the center of the universe". I'm the exact same way!!!! Remember...I was typing my response to you, he beeped my nextel(which means to me to call him back). What do I do? Drop everything, call him, give him my undivided attention, leave work, go deposit money into his account, and then resume MY life....only AFTER his needs are met. How STUPID is that????

Want to hear something really pathetic?? the last time I saw him was on Jan 16. We had lunch together (I bought). That sounds pathetic, but the worse part is he was kinda "flirty" with me....so i pretty much begged him to LET me give him a BJ. PATHETIC!!!!

February 24, 2004
2:56 pm
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onmymind
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Tell me what you think...
I could find out if this whole "check" thing is true or not. He told me he called his ex-wife this morning to get her to call her mother to see if she could help him out...right?? Well...I could call his ex-wife and confirm it. He would kill me if he knew I called her, but it would confirm it for sure. And also, she would know that he asked me of all people to help him out. If she needs proof, I have a copy of the deposit receipt i could easily fax her....what do u think?????

February 24, 2004
3:07 pm
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marley
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Don't get overly involved in his life with the money stuff. I mean you have the deposit slip, can you check it online?

Don't get involved with his ex or his ex's mom for the simple reason that is does not fit with the "I just did my friend Jimmy a favor, no big deal."

I don't know how to get over the DROP EVERYTHING problem. I feel the same as you I want to pick him up have dinner help him unpack have sex hear all about his trip.

I SUCK!

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