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I am worried my despair and I cannot cope anymore
November 20, 2006
7:45 pm
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doubledilemma
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Hello, two years ago I joined what I later discovered was an adult website after feeling unhappy with my marriage. I quickly fell in love with the most gorgeous man in the UK and became smitten, we exchange friendly emails, two brief erotic chats and I told him how I felt and he ran away scared, later telling me he had no feelings for me, never had and never will and that I was just a long-distance email buddy to him. It is true, he did not intend to deceive me, he never indicated in his emails that I was special to him, by using terms of affection, as he said to me much later by email. He also told me eventually by email several months later (long story) he was getting remarried soon, something which I was a bit suspicious of, but don't want to confirm. I never wanted to harm him, but when my friend called him (from NZ) on my behalf, he threatened to alert the police in the UK and Australia if I ever contacted him again.

Now, nearly two years later, I am worse off than before. I love my husband, but don't want to make love with him, I don't know why, perhaps I am a bitch and expect too much of men and I have wanted too much from the relationship from day one. He is hubby, he doesn't desire sex and I give him lots of kisses and cuddles which we both enjoy. It has never been a passionate marriage in the sexual sense in all the 16 years, as we had no idea about sex when we married and it never quite got off for us both, but he has put up with alot and I have always loved him, even when I went crazy last year with men, spending, not sleeping and failing my studies after joining the adult site and the UK guy dumping me online. My husband said he would like to have sex again one day soon, but I keep on fantasising about the UK guy and who he is making love to and what he is doing and it is driving me insane. I know what I did with the UK guy was unhealthy and that I was to blame for scaring him away as what I typed to him was a sign of co-dependency and that he has every right not to choose to have any more contact with me ever and to be happy and sexually fulfilled with whomever he chooses, but I cannot bear this torture - I feel God can't stop punishing me for the rest of my life. I have OCD (hoarding) and it is incurable.

I cannot leave hubby, because we love each other and I don't think I can love anyone again other than him and the UK guy and even if I left hubby, I would still be in a mess over the UK guy and how things didn't end amicably, so I wonder whether the best thing to do is to take my life because my brain cannot take the pain for the rest of my life...I cannot have children with my husband, even though I would wish to, as because of my depression, I needs lots of support and I am very slow at doing things, so I accept God has punished me that way and people say I am not maternal anyway, because even if the sex with hubby was bad, if I was maternal, I would have had kids by now. I cannot go to sexual therapy with my husband, because all I would think about is what it would be like with the UK guy if our friendship had developed, yet I cannot conceive of having children now outside a sexually fulfilling relationship, now that I know that people have this in real life. Before I joined the adult site, I didn't think people actually had much sex or interest in it and people had sexually fulfilling lives, I thought it was only for the chosen few and maybe it is not for me to experience this in this lifetime, but what do I do to stop the torture? What do I say to God? When will God forgive me for the mistake of looking outside my marriage and falling in love with a man who does not love or even care for me back, but who God wishes to bless with the ability to seduce women? The UK guy wasn't bad, what he said to me hurt me, but he has the right to do what he needs to make him happy, right?

Other than take heavy sedating medication to make me forget about him, I don't know what to do...I already have to come to terms with the grief that I don't desire my husband sexually and that I won't be having children and that that my family of origin is a very unhappy and lonely one and my mother needs lots of love and has mild dementia, yet I know in my heart I must forgive the UK guy for what he did, as he meant no harm, but did not expect a woman from the other side of the world to fall in love with him. He asked me to move on with my life and I have tried my best to forgive and forget him and to wish him peace and happiness, yet all I see is the rest of my life as being torn with this miserable burden. I looked at the website of a male witch/psychic which basically said if I am obsessed I should see a psychiatrist, which I do and that I basically deserved what I got, that those are the "house rules" when you get involved in a love triangle and that I got my karma back by dealing with a man when I was not available to him and he was unavailable to me and that makes me sad too, as if I deserve all the misery I get now.

So apart from heavier drugs, electroshock and eventually dying of the complications of a broken heart, can you all see that I am in a deep well, there is no way out of my heartache no matter where I turn? Yet I don't want to be continually depressed, I wanted to do some nursing next year, but wonder how I can cope when I wake up and not even the medication I am on can stop me crying and feeling despair at times.

Thank you

November 20, 2006
8:01 pm
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red raven
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have you thought of joining a swinger lifestyle? it mght help you and your relationship. i would keep it purely phyisical.

November 20, 2006
8:03 pm
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doubledilemma
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redraven, absolutely not! I suggested it to my husband last year in my madness and I am not into that lifestyle either...I am a ex-Romantic and ex-Romantics are difficult to change! Thanks for your reply, but it does little to really indicate you have any insight into my torment. Thanks.

November 20, 2006
8:07 pm
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doubledilemma
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Sorry, I know you are only trying to help, but it only makes me cry my eyes out in absolute despair when I read of quick 'band-aid' solutions like that being proffered by well-meaning folks...sometimes we have to accept that there are NO solutions in life, just like there are no cures for certain organic illnesses like Cancer, MS and we have to do our best to live with our illness until God calls us home to peace.

November 21, 2006
12:10 am
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LA Rosa
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hi doubledilemma,

You obviously realise that the solution is not going to be just a simple matter to solve, and though there could also be some trial and error involved as well, and I strongly advise you to give yourself some time to absolve your quandry. One thing that could help you cope just now is to remember that every step you make in the right direction is a further step closer to ridding yourself of the anguish and confusion that has certainly not been helping your cause. Just because a 'cure' hasn't been found as yet, does 'not' mean that there isn't one. It sometimes just takes a little extra time and effort than you may have preferred or expected...then again, sometimes not! That's why it is one step at a time, and just how quickly is an unknown factor.

One thing you can really do without, is to disregard that shallow and callous information from the male witch/psychic... as it's totally over the top. Do 'not' think you deserve to live in misery... that's NOT true! Being sorry for past mistakes is very understandable, but when you're wanting to help yourself get better... that does count for a lot. OK. How old were you when you got married doubledilemma? Very best wishes...

La Rosa

While you have gone into much detail in explaining your situaion, there are still some questions that need to be explained in order to clear some of what you've been through to let us understand better.

November 21, 2006
3:39 am
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doubledilemma
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Hi LARosa

Thank you for your reply...I was nearly 25 when I got married and my husband was 24 and 3 months, I am six months older than he is...I don't think the male psychic was trying to be mean, I just think he thinks that if you play with fire (as it get yourself into a triangle) someone is bound to get burnt and that is what I did...I honestly don't think there is a solution and it is my lot to suffer, not due to punishment, but because I am such a weak person for falling in love with this man in the first place...not something that normal people do...also he does not think highly of "obsessive people" claiming that they have to get laid or something else, but I read his site this morning and he has had success in reuniting couples and yet I guess if I was in my right mind, I would try to get him to do some spell to make me desire my husband and forget about Mr UK man and my resistance to this just shows how sick in the head I must be...so what option is there but to not do something drastic in my life like have electroshock or take heavily sedating drugs, because as far as I am concerned, a part of me has died and yet everywhere I see new marriages and Mr UK told me to "move on"....in other words, people who don't move on are regarded as sick and don't obsess (even the Irish woman he slept with in the UK said it was unhealthy for me to enquire about him as well as betraying him) thus I must treat myself as someone who is sick, not normal and sick people like me should be thrown on the scrapheap of humanity...we are not just depressed people, but people whose brain is too deviant to be of any use in the world...the time for happiness, for being normal has long gone for me, but then again, I never was and I am just a miniature version of my mother who lost her head a bit later in life, it is just it happened sooner with me...but I am useless and this UK man knew it but couldn't admit it.

November 21, 2006
3:45 am
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doubledilemma
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This was Mr UK's last piece of correspondence to me, as you can see it is perfectly rational and reasonable, if albeit painful..

--------------------------------------
Date: 28 July 2005
Subject: Leave Me Alone

I've just had a conversation with your friend from New Zealand. She was very nice. You are lucky to have such good friends.

Why have I turned off my profile?
I have a girlfriend and I'm looking to get married. I'm not out to make friends.

Why don't I respond to your emails?
To be perfectly honest - You frighten me. We have exchanged half a dozen emails on general issues and suddenly the tone of your mails becomes aggressive / obsessive. To me you were someone interesting from the other side of the World who I'd be happy to chat online to. I don't have any feelings for you, I never did and I never will. I am sorry if you believe otherwise but I don't think I did anything to suggest you were in anyway special to me. I have a girlfriend who I love and who will shortly be my new wife. I would ask that you move on with the rest of your life and forget any notion of having anything to do with me - I am simply not interested. I never was and I never will be. Don't even think about coming to the UK it would be a waste of your time effort and money. If you try and contact me I will alert the police (In Australia and the UK).

Sorry if this email is rather tough for you to take. I had hoped you would have got the messaage without me having to be so cold. It was never my intention to mislead you or to be cruel. But in the current situation you need to understand that there is nothing between us. You should concentrate your efforts on patching up your existing relationship or finding another one. I intend to get on with my life I suggest you do the same. I do not expect we will be corresponding again in the future.

Look after yourself,

David

November 21, 2006
4:23 am
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revelation
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DD,

His message makes it loud and clear, he's not interested. It sounds to me like you have quite low self-esteem, to latch on to this man in anyway. What you and your husband need cannot possibly be fixed by anyone here, although of course we are here to support you. You need marriage counselling and you need your own personal therapy too....thats my advice.

Rev.

November 21, 2006
6:55 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi doubledilemma,

There seems to be some things that you do not understand doubledilemma, things that could help you to relieve some of your negative thoughts about yourself. It doesn't matter how 'nice' or 'mean' the male psychic actually was or wasn't trying to be. The fact is he is not giving you any personal assistance. What he thinks or believes, does not necessarily mean he knows what he's talking about regarding YOU. By the way, I'm no professional, but I can still say with confidence that you should disregard what 'he' says...it's just 'his' opinion...only one man's opinion. It really sounds as though you're giving him far too much credit - and just because he has had some 'success' stories, still doesn't mean You should be believing his every word - especially when it's not helping You! You really need to let it go! At least for now. That would be a BIG step in the right direction. Will you please do that doubledilemma?

Another thing you really aught to understand is...there are millions of 'normal' women falling in love with men all the time! That's what normal women do. Lots of normal women don't find their husband sexually compatible either... and some have also been known to have extra-marital relationships. You didn't actually get to 'that' stage though, did You? So you see doubledilemma, while you may be feeling very guilty for what you've done in the past - try putting that guilt and shame behind you where it belongs - in the past and all over. as some of your perceived ideas that are simply not founded in fact and truth, I can appreciate that your depressed state of mind would not been helped any by thinking the worse of yourself. Perhaps you should also know that if a person, even a normal person, tells themselves over and over again how bad/no good they are - it is normal that eventually, they WILL become depressed.

What can I say about the UK guy? Perhaps You could tell me what your reasons are for holding on to this man... when you know that he doesn't reciprocate your feelings? It was just not meant to be. Sooner or later, I hope you will be ready to accept that...and stop putting yourself through all this extra emotional stress and unwarranted pain. It may be disappointing, but doubledilemma, it would really increase your chances of becoming healthier...and that IS what you want to do, isn't it?

Just wondering how you're getting on with your husband, in a general kind of way. Does he give you any emotional support and does he understand or try to understand about your depression? Have a think about all this doubledilemma and see that you've been being very hard on yourself. You DO NOT deserve to put yourself down all the time... and it can becomes a very bad habit. One bad habit that you will need to break... and one that does require practise... at NOT putting yourself down. OK? Very best wishes.

La Rosa

November 21, 2006
7:26 am
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bubbles19
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hi there!!!
all i can say is that, go on a vacation. in a place where you can relax, then there try to meditate, reflect. i know that its really easy for me to say these things to you, maybe its bcoz im not in ur shoes. but just try. when i say try to reflect... spend time with yourself..you know think a hundred times...about ur life, wat life is wen u get divorce with your hubby? wat happens next? your saying that u love your hubby and yet you dont want to make love with him and you get to imagine the uk guy instead...and as i can understand ur saying that its like you cant live without ur hubby.. hav u already tried it? its all in the mind.... only u can help urself...
with the Lord's guidance of course...

btw im bubbles19...
i also have a problem with regards to i think everything... but wat i do is i just fo with the flow.. and pray...
everything happens with a reason, just be always think positive. that someday we'll all be happy and we'll all get wat we want in God's time...
until here...
i hope i did helped you in any way... i hope to hear from you soon.
tc.God bless!

November 21, 2006
8:13 am
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doubledilemma
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Rev, I have had countless therapy, psych visits, planning more therapy with another therapist ($700 for two hours of hubby's money next week) I had months in bed, counselling, discussions with my husband about my obsession as I have OCD (my husband had never really felt threatened by the UK guy and doesn' wish to discuss him)...Yes I did have sex with other men from the site, I trashed myself, I prostituted myself, I slept with anyone, because at least I was being wanted, which is more I can say for the UK guy and my husband...I wanted to harm myself, ultimately I wish to harm myself and I wish there was some way of letting this man know that because of the guilt, shame and humiliation that I went through that I do wish to harm myself...harming myself is the only release...I am hung up on this guy because he had sexual skills and he said he enjoyed seduction and I think he has slept with lots of women since his divorce and his profile said he wanted kids and at the time my husband didn't want kids and he has the most beautiful face I have ever seen (and I have seen his current photo on his UK work website as he works in PR for a large insurer) that is the only way I will be free of this pain...it to properly actually physically suffer, or perhaps it is better just to mentally suffer because that will be longer and it will teach me how wrong it was to have ever emailed him...I had a premonition it was too good to be true and that I was going to ruin it as I always end up ruining what is good in my life, my first degree, my honours year, my masters research year, everything in my life is screwed up and a mess and this guy could see me as transparently as looking at someone through glass...

There is no point going to counselling or therapy with hubby, because all I will do is fantasise about the UK guy, that is all that will happen and I discussed this with my psychiatrist on Friday and he agreed it would be pointless to go to sexual therapy with my husband with my incurable OCD about this man...Also I think somehow this man wants me to suffer, perhaps I have scared him into oblivion for the rest of his life and his only comeback is to make sure the mad Aussie ugly bitch (ie me) suffers and that the bitch suffers good. I mean the poor guy did not deserve me to pick on him, he did not know he was dealing with a looney as he told my friend Karolyn

No-one in the entire world has ever had to suffer a threat with a restraining order or had a policy whereby the person would never want to have nothing to do with you..that says I am utter scum and deserve for him to laugh at me until I am dead...and don't bother looking him up, he doesn't care and would be happier to see me in a mental home than learn about me from here!

November 21, 2006
9:02 am
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taj64
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The only thing you can do is to forget the UK guy. It looks as if you are physically addicted to this person and all you need to do is stop contacting him. After awhile, the thoughts will fade away but might take more than weeks or even months. But this fantasy you have going is distracting you from what your marriage. It takes a long time for anger to fade away. I fell about 4 years ago for a married man. Right away I fell for this guy and he claimed to have falled for me too. I was always on the sidelines. He always went running back to his wife. i became too attached and obsessed. And I became angry too and there was not anything I could do with it but feel it. Anything you do to get this guy to understand, WILL NOT work. He doesn't return your feelings nor will he be able to. All this effort you try is futile. The only thing you can do is to let go of it and move on and the faster the better. When you work on yourself and learn to love yourself, you can settle down and not have urges to seek other pleasures when all you do is end up feeling bad when you do. As far as the note is concerned from the man from UK is it rather harsh but it is the truth and you deserve the truth and at least he had the courage to tell it like it is as hard as it to accept. Obsessive people sometimes come across as desperate, and needy and that is frightening to someone who clearly does not want a relationship. It is the reality that you need to accept. It is not going to do a bit of good to get revenge on this man. It is only going to cause you to feel worse. I doubt he really wants you to suffer, you don't really know this guy well enough to judge that. That is negative pity thinking. You do have people that care about you, and that is what counts. I would take the next few weeks, etc and concentrate on your life, and try to recover and not have any contact with the UK man and also any other person but yourself. It is all a process but you will move on from this.

November 21, 2006
4:18 pm
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doubledilemma
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taj64, thank you dear, you do NOT understand, I have not contacted this man for a year...I sent two emails to him in Late November Last Year and I was scared of doing so, because it might contravene his order that I would have the police alerted.

I used to think the email was harsh too, until others said he could have been much worse...I have NOT contacted him since...yes, he DOES want me to suffer and you are deluding yourself, while you are being a good girl and being faithful, he is MAKING LOVE TO BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT, UNEEDY, INDEPENDENT WOMAN JUST LIKE HE WANTS THEM TO BE... just the right degree of seduciblilty for the woman that he wants, he is being blessed by God, then sun is shining down on him and yet God wants me to suffer...the only concession God has made to me is that he did not return my affection, because if he did, imagine what worse state my life would be in...having to choose between two men, so I don't have to do that, so while I was thrown into the scrap heap by him and there I will remain forever, at least God has looked down on me to a certain extent, while blessing him...and I guess he deserved to be blessed, his first marriage ended, so why shouldn't he have bliss and a bevy of beautiful, independent, well-adjusted women who old need chase him - apparently he likes women chasing him and I doubt he has to do much chasing...

You are correct that I will never have contact with him again...all the advice I had read on cyberstalkers is that the best way to TORTURE them is to pay them no attention...that makes them angry but it is the best way to deal with them to get them off your back and he did precisely that with the two explanatory emails sent last November...the best thing you can do to any stalker, cyberstalker is to torture them back by taking no notice and as someone said to me last year who cared, I must imagine him as being someone dead to me, but it is hard, because I really can't have a funeral for him, can I?

I am sorry, there was a comedy show shown last night on TV here in Australia and there was a guy who stalked because he imagined him to be in love from reading the advice of the guy who worked for a magazine and while I can see the funny side (and what I did didn't even come close to the repeated calls, physical stalking, emailing that the guy in the sitcom did) afterwards as we were going to bed my husband said to me "that is what you did darling, isn't it?"...and having just posted here I just wept in the bathroom and washed my face before I could compose myself and go to bed.

I do feel the need at times though to make myself physically suffer, I guess I want to die a kind of death too, a physical death, not just the psychological death and punishment I must face for the rest of my life, I just don't know the best way to do it, because humans naturally don't want to suffer, yet when I think about it all, I don't want him to suffer any more than he has, but I want myself to suffer alot more than I have...imagine him...all the beautiful women he can make love to for the rest of his life, who he can make babies with, isn't is absolutely wonderful for him to be blessed in this way?

November 21, 2006
4:30 pm
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taj64
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yep you are correct because I definately do not understand. I get a totally different meaning of his words. I see no suffering on his part but i do yours. Im so sorry you are in such emotional pain. I was only try to help you but clearly I was not. Hopefully you will find answers elsewhere as i do not understand what your real pain is here.

November 21, 2006
6:42 pm
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armyleo
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DD -

If you would like to talk I am here willing to listen. I can't say I've been in your shoe's with your situation, but I have felt, where I could no longer go on. Please comeback and talk...

Talking has helped me...

November 21, 2006
7:23 pm
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Loralei
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DD, I'm sorry for all the pain and anguish you are experiencing. I understand all too well what it's like being married to a man who has a low sex drive and isn't very good in bed. Does your husband really love you? If he does, then perhaps you can convince him to do some reading about how to make a woman happy sexually. I think that any genuine effort on his part to give you what you need would increase your feelings of desire for him.

You probably have more than just OCD. Maybe some abandonment issues or you didn't get enough affection as a child. Try to realize that you aren't really in love with the UK man. You don't even know him. You are in love with the fantasy that you have conjured up in your mind about him. This obsession you have is your own imagination causing you this pain.

First of all, you need to force yourself not to think so much about these phantom feelings you have for a man that you have greatly exaggerated in your mind. This has become your latest OCD. It is merely a compulsion, the feelings are imaginary.

Secondly, you need to focus on yourself. There is far more to a person than just having sex. Do things that you enjoy. Take yoga, learn how to meditate, get plenty of exercise. Take extra care with your appearance. When you look good, you feel good about yourself and you will be less depressed. Even something as silly as getting a manicure and having nicely polished nails makes me feel better. The more you fix your outside, the better your inside will feel.

You are the only person you have control over. You are the only one you can change. You need to make up your mind, make a conscious decision to stop pining over a man who has never actually been a part of your life. And yes, it can be as simple as that if you are determined to leave that well of depression you are wallowing in. No one can give you a magic pill or words of wisdom that will automatically make you feel better. But happiness is a decision. You can choose to be happy or you can choose to wallow in your self pity and loathing. Only you can make yourself snap out of it. Just decide that you've had enough and that you want to live a happier life. And then pursue it.

Your answers are within you. All you need is an attitude adjustment to make great improvements. You may have a chemical imbalance causing your OCD and other issues, but if it can't be helped by medication, then you will just have to make up your mind to overcome it yourself. Never underestimate your own strength and perseverance.

On a personal note, even though I lack sexual desire for my husband, at least I know he is a good man and he loves me. I have also had extra marital affairs with men who were fantastic in bed. But after awhile, that alone was not enough. More than anything else, I needed to feel loved. These other men didn't love me, they only used me. It left me empty inside. So now I rarely ever have sex but I am loved, which means far far more to me. It sounds like your husband has been very understanding and patient with your indiscretions. That should show you the depth of his love. Most husbands would divorce you and not care what happened to you. Appreciate what you've got and try to make it better for both of you.

November 21, 2006
7:50 pm
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doubledilemma
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But Loralei, why does God bless him with perhaps having a new wife or the ability to have women email them or they email him and to seduce and to make love to them and to feel joy and happiness as they see how he is making them feel when he makes love to them?

Imagine him carressing them, lifting their hair above their neck (as he said he would do to me in our first internet messaging conversation) then kissing them gently on the neck, then removing their clothes, fondling and secuding their erogenous zones, telling them they are beautiful, that they are sexy, that they are independent and sexy because they are sexually confident, imagine them fondling them to get them exciting, all the sensitive and seductive foreplay, playing with their flower, seeing him enter them and feeling that unity of the flesh, the merging of desires, the appreciation and closeness they have afterwards...Imagine it more if they are married, if the lovemaking is being used to conceive a child, to bring a beautiful child with his blue eyes and dark hair and Scottish genes into the world, imagine how much more magical and mysterious the whole process of lovemaking would be when you see that you are creating a child who is a union of your love and you are nothing to them but a painful memory they would rather forget? Imagine the pain of imagining another woman having what you can never have, who you can never speak with, who you will never touch, who you will never look in the eye, who will never understand what it was like to be sexually awakened from 17,000 km away, imagine that? Imagine having the memory of a woman who you may be frightened may go to the UK one day and track you down, imagine living with that fear, that you cannot put them in gaol, except in the UK that you can no longer imagine them to be safe away from you in a mental institution where they belong?

As for my husband, yes I love him without all the sex and he has no interest in being a better lover no and I know he doesn't so I don't force him, just like I don't force him to do other things he is not interested in

I wish God would answer me and tell me why another woman is more worthy of this UK man or why other women are more worthy of having his care, attention, friendship and even his body, more than I am

I haven't washed my hair for about two weeks and haven't showered, I don't do much housework and I had overdue university work and not much chance of me doing that now, in fact I should not even be alive, it would be better for him too if I was dead, as while I really did no harm to him, he would not have to worry about me going to the UK, not that I ever will anyway, as I have been twice and to go again would be too painful for me. I don't wear my nice clothes, I wear old dirty clothes, I don't do any washing and my house looks like a dump and I was looking forward to doing stuff but then this mood takes over, maybe because it is approaching the anniversary of me joining the site and meeting him online and it is his birthday on December 21

So don't you see, he will always be happy, whether he is married or not, he can detach and find new women, he is blessed, he will be able to spread his seed and create beautiful little people like him, where as my husband does not want his seed spread.

I don't care about my grey hair, needing to get fit and lose weight and go to the beautician, who am I trying to impress, he killed any self-esteem I have in me, this UK guy, yet I do not wish him harm, I don't wish him, to suffer either, you know,

Yes, I realise the depth of my husband's love and how he has forgiven me but I am on this sex site, I see the ghost of his profile and wonder, is it because God wants him to propagate and to have children and to be happy in this way and why not me, who has had less sex than alot of people? Why him and the women he beds and not me? Am I less deserving of being seduced than the women the UK guy seduces?

O.K., so I am chronically mentally ill and perhaps not a good idea that I have not bred and he perhaps is fitter than me to find a fitter woman to breed with, but so I get no sex and no babies, What do I get besides faithfulness and being kept by my husband?

He seems to get it all and I don't know why, the satisfaction of having broken my heart, perhaps a new marriage, telling me how much he now disliked me as a result of me being obsessed with him and the perfect right to ignore and torture me by having nothing more to do with me too, it just seems like a win-win for him in every respect!

Believe you me, I have tried, I have tried to let him go in love and peace, this man, but then I think about my future, how it will be filled with no sex, no passion, no babies and how his will and I think, how do I come to terms with that in my weakest moments, how do I.

Also the fact that due to my desperation I ruined what could have been a nice long email friendship that could have even helped me from a far fulfil my sexual needs without being unfaithful in real life and I actually cared for the guy you know as well, it was just not between my legs that I felt stirrings for him, do you all realise that?

November 21, 2006
8:00 pm
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doubledilemma
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Loralei and LARosa, I thank you especially for your posts, but if anything will cause me to take my life one day, it will be the OCD and the fact that I have not been able to overcome it, the hoarding the mess, only affects me and my husband, but in the case of the UK guy, he has been affected and has possibly suffered as a result and sometimes the embarrassment and humiliation of knowing that someone else thinks you are a looney, lost bananas, mental, as he said to my NZ friend who he spoke to, is too much to take...I mean never before has it directly impacted on another person in this way, never before has anyone suffered such embarrassment, humiliation and been the object of such disgust and revilement that this man feels for me and it is that which means I cannot hold my head up high and care for myself, because only a weak, pathetic, disgusting person with no will power in the first place would stoop this low.

November 21, 2006
8:22 pm
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doubledilemma
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I want Mr UK man to leave my mind, I want total memory of him obliterated, as if I never knew of his existence, just like he doesn't want to know of mine, I don't want his memory, I want to be electroshocked into forgetting about him. I don't want the pain of his memory, of thinking about his beautiful new wife or lovers or the children he will have, or the mistake I made in ever emailing him; I want to be shocked or lobotomised so that every memory of him is erased, but I don't wish him harm, I want him to be happy, there is no point in this life if two people are miserable. Whoever he is with, he is supposed to be having sex with, just like me and my husband are not supposed to be having sex and desiring each other, things are the way they should be.. I don't want the UK man to suffer, I don't want my husband to suffer, I don't want anyone to suffer, I just want to know from God why others have sex and babies and mental health and I do not and he can have it all and I cannot. I want to know that, that is all I am asking of you please God, please tell me God why I am I not good enough?

Please tell me God why I was not even good enough to be the UK man's friend, why could I not even be his friend God, why did you even deny me his friendship God? Why is it God that what I did was so awful that he had to be so cruel to me to even deny me his friendship and to reject mine?

Tell me God, even though I cannot have passion and sex and love, why did you deny me even a snippet of this man, even though you correctly chose and I bow to your wisdom in choosing who is right for him and who is right for me?

What kind of a person ends up knowing someone, only to be denied any contact with them as a human being? Am I so cruel,? was I so unworthy of his friendship that I needed to be discarded like this God? No-one else has ever been discarded as a human being, God, why me God, why me?

November 21, 2006
8:26 pm
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doubledilemma
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I don't want anyone to suffer, not the UK man, not my husband, not anyone on here especially, I just want answers from God about how this ended so painfully and cruelly, I don't know what God has in mind for him, except what he is supposed to be receiving...I just want answers from God as to why, why did he let me taste happiness for two months, to taste bliss and joy and hope and then to cruelly take it away fron me when he rejected me in february 2005

I want answers God, how dare you let me taste happiness and joy in the form of this man and then cruelly take it away from me in the way you did, How dare you God!

November 21, 2006
9:24 pm
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DD, it sounds like you are suffering from severe depression. I hope you will seek medical advice and perhaps they can give you some anti-depressants to help you make it through this difficult time in your life.

Life is not fair. It often appears that others are living a far better life than we are, but it is rarely the case. The UK man may have success in the bedroom, but more than likely he has problems in other areas of his life. No one lives a fairy tale life forever.

I truly hope you can get some help in coping with your unhappiness. Depression causes everything to be magnified far beyond reality.

Is it possible for you to go on a little vacation? (Don't go to the UK) But a change of scenery where everything is neat and clutterfree would help your frame of mind. Pamper yourself, get a massage, a new hairstyle. You have to do YOUR part in getting better. No one can do it for you. If you want out of your misery, start taking steps away from it. Be proactive in your own life.

Someone once said that life is not a dress rehearsal. This is your one shot at living it the way you want, on your terms. But it is up to YOU to get yourself together and take the first baby step toward the kind of life you want to live. You have that power within you.

You might enjoy the website flylady.net. She can help give you ways to get your cluttered life under control. I wish you peace of mind.

November 22, 2006
12:01 am
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doubledilemma
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Thank you Loralei, the funny things is not matter how much this man despises me and the though of me, what I have done as a result of making the mistake of getting involved with him has caused me to despise myself even more, so not even he can win at despisement!!!

November 22, 2006
2:15 am
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turnabout
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IF I were God, I would tell you it was because you deserved better.

You know the old analogy about a child reaching for a pot on hot stove or a sharp knife on a counter top, right? The child has it's hand slapped away before it harms itself. The child cries genuine tears, has a temper tantrum maybe, perhaps even goes to sulk and pout to another adult and tell on what their "mean mommie" or "mean autie" denied them from having. Since the child had its little hand slapped out of the way, it has no way of understanding the devastation from which it was saved. The child has no way of knowing until it matures that the pain of not getting what it wanted was far less than what it would have suffered.

The pain you're going through right now is very real, doubledil, but a huge part of that pain is that, in the absence of knowing what would have happened had you gotten what you wanted, you have substituted all sorts of imaginings about what you're missing out on, thinking that it must be great, never realizing how narrowly you escaped being badly scalded or getting your fingers badly sliced.

God didn't slap your hand because you weren't good enough to get what you wanted. He slapped your hand because what you wanted wasn't good enough for you.

And look at exactly what you were reaching for ... You say that you naively went to that site not realizing it's true purpose, but what of him? He knew what it was about, and he CHOSE to go there. He went there knowingly & willingly looking for someone to USE and who would USE him in turn. He didn't go there looking to set up a genuine connection with ANYONE, so the fact that he couldn't establish any kind of connection with you doesn't even have anything to do with you. All he was looking for was the superficial & shallow while you apparently needed so much more. Can you imagine the devastation you would be feeling had you gotten more deeply involved with this man??? --Had you slept with him?? It's actually frightening to think how much worse your situation would be and how much worse your depression would be right now had your involvement with him reached that level, because the result would have been the same, doubledil. He went to an adult website because he was looking for a good time, and he would have eventually detached himself from ANYONE because that's ALL he was looking for.

His girlfriend is to be pitied, I think. And YOU can thank heaven you were spared.

I know you can't FEEL spared right now, but it is the truth that you were, nonetheless.

November 22, 2006
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doubledilemma
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turnabout, you are right, but who has been made love to by him, not me, the Northern Irish woman certainly was, she said she could not keep up with him because she was unfit at the time of the rendevous in London, but interestingly, while she basically told me to f**k I will tell you nothing more about it, and got angry when I pestered her for more info, she said something very close to the following:-

1) He was on a Irish Perv "f**k hitlist" - "he was too good looking, perhaps too good looking for me"

2) "Perhaps if you had actually met him, you would see how flawed he is in mind, heart and body"

3) I did my best to keep up with him, I was all sweaty and fat, had some kind of ski accident beforehand, or something and could not sleep for days before meeting him

4) I wish he could SEE ME NOW, when I am slimmer and fitter (this was November 2005 when I contacted her on the site)

5) "We are still email friends and email each other occasionally"

6) "No, you don't need to know more about him, you wouldn't like it if I betrayed your confidences to him, would you?"

So you see, if you live in the RIGHT CONTINENT AND YOU HAVE HAD SEX WITH HIM, IT IS ALL HUNKY DORY AND YOU CAN BE FRIENDS AND THEN HAVE A RIGHT ROYAL BITCH TO EACH OTHER ABOUT HOW TO GET RID OF THE AUSSIE CYBER STALKING LOONEY, BECAUSE YOU KNOW, ACCORDING TO HER, "YOU ARE NOTHING TO HIM" LEAVE HIM ALONE AND HE WILL THINK MORE HIGHLY OF YOU...Oh so I see, he is REALLY, REALLY FLAWED IN HEART, MIND AND BODY IS HE, IF YOU COULD NOT WAIT TO GET HIM INTO BED AGAIN AND HE IS STILL FRIENDS WITH YOU BY EMAIL...THAT MAKES IT ALL FINE, WELL I HAVE A GOOD MIND TO PUT A BOMB WHERE HE WORKS AND IF I COULD FIND WHERE THIS NORTHERN IRISH BITCH IS, I WOULD DO THE SAME TO HER TOO!

November 22, 2006
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turnabout
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dd, why do you want to give value to HER opinion??? She went to the same site for the same exact reasons as he did. And she is getting NOTHING of merit out of their ongoing association.

The truth is that if he HAD had sex with you, you would not be feeling better about yourself or him or the other women he has slept with. You would be feeling worse. You would be feeling even more expendable.

You're probably right that those who live on the right continent can have sex with him. It isn't worthiness that determines who he'll bang, but accessibility. That makes his choices practically random, not based on any real standards. Here you are trying to apply standards of worthiness to who gets to sleep with him when HE never applies any standards himself. You keep judging yourself unfairly based on HIS choices, but, as bad as I know it hurts, his rejection doesn't mean a damn thing about your worthiness of his attention. He uses people and you weren't convenient enough to be used. That's all it means. People who are looking to use others for their own gratification judge on standards of convenience, not standards of value. You are doing yourself a real disservice by trying to apply standards of value to this situation.

I know how it rattles the soul to be told to "move on" by someone with whom you felt a connection and want to keep that connection alive. The same thing was done to me, and I was demoralized by it. It made me feel like I wasn't worth a speck on his shoe. And worse yet, I felt that I had made myself a fool by chasing after his friendship when he was acting happy and oh-so-well-adusted in his new life with the new girl. I asked myself the same questions .... "Why does HE get to be happy?" ... "Why does HE get what he wants when it means being so cruel to me?" .... "Why does she get to feel secure and happy with him when all he wanted her for was sex?" And I tortured myself with all the imagined scenarios about how they were living out their happiness and self-satisifaction, with him getting everything he had wanted ... everything he spurned me for ..., while I wasn't worth even talking to. It's very, very devastating to go through this sort of thing.

But the clouds have cleared for me now, dd. I now see exactly what happened and why it happened. I spent a year feeling absolutely ground under the heel of this man's betrayal before I finally decided that something had to change ... that I had to change. It's been over a year since then, ... a year where I still obsessed over him, but instead of obsessing over where he was and what he was doing, I focused it on finding out why I was ever vulnerable to him in the first place and what I could do about it right then. I still think of him a lot, but not in the same way. He was a very real part of my life. I loved him with all my heart and was deeply influenced by him being in my life. The truth of that isn't going anywhere, but I also know that the reason he's with her now and not even speaking with me has nothing to do with how worthy I am to be spoken to. The real reason all this happened is due to his deficiency, not mine.

AND, I now know you can't trust appearances. He isn't as happy or fulfilled as he would want me to believe or as I had once convinced myself. And I did a lot of convincing of myself, just as you're doing now. But even if he did have the happy life I had imagined, it wouldn't make me any less worthy of being treated with basic human respect. That still was his deficiency and always will be.

You looked in the wrong place to find your self-worth, dd, and make yourself feel better, and it failed you. But it didn't fail you because you don't deserve to feel better about yourself. It failed you just because it was the wrong place to look. That's all. Now that you know that, maybe you can start looking somewhere else, huh? Ya think? I hope so.

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