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I am turning into a green eyed monster!!!!!! I cant stand it!
May 30, 2006
8:48 am
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Anonymous
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I am just going to vent here before I really freak out. My BF and I have been together for about two years and its been a rocky road at times. We started having problems in February. About a month ago we were taking a break but still having sex. I found out he was seeing someone else and I was heart broken. The girl claims that had been seeing each other since November. I confronted my boyfriend and he said they only went out a couple of times during our break. He told me he made a mistake and he didn't want to lose me. So we decided to try and work through this.

My boyfriend used to look at my phone all of the time and it drove me crazy. But my jealousy is getting the better of me and I looked at his phone. Saturday there was a text message from a girl saying yeah ur friend told me you went home and went to bed early on Friday night. I confronted him and he said that it was the bartender we know and she was out with one of his friends. Then yesterday he got a text message from this girl named Sarah asking how his moving was going. I just lost it and started crying. I don't want to be made a fool of and get my heart broken. I feel like suddenly he is talking to all of these girls and its making me crazy. I love him but I don't know how much I can take. I told him I feel insecure about our relationship now and his response was then maybe you shouldn't be with me. I explained to him that I always felt like the most beautiful and special person in his life and then he slept with someone else and I lost all of that.

What's wrong with me? He has a way of making me feel like everything is my fault. There is so much more to write but I am rambling at this point.......

May 30, 2006
9:01 am
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Oh and a couple other tid bits... After I looked at his phone the second time he told me maybe I shouldnt look at his phone if I dont like what I might see.

I also told him that it bother me he talks to all of these girls because I lost all of my guy friends because he would give me the third degree when i talked to someone. So we came to the agreement that if he can talk to girls then I can have guy friends.

The other thing is he is 36 and he is going out several times a week drinking and partying. he said that he likes doing what he wants and maybe he is too selfish for a relationship. Everytime we disagree he automatically says well maybe we should be together. I told him that upsets me when he does that and he said he doesnt know what else to say.

He also told me that he does think I will ever be able to forgive him for the other women. I told him I really wanted to but it will take time. He said this happened with his old girlfriend and she could never forgive him. I am starting to wondering if this is a pattern for him.

May 30, 2006
9:10 am
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revelation
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feelinglost...I'm going to be as honest as I can be with you here...this guy KNOWS that you won't leave him...he's emotionally abusing you with all of the "Maybe we shouldn't be together" stuff, he doesn't care whether that hurts you or not, he is right...he's to selfish to be in a relationship, so why are you wasting your time with him? When it suits him he'll leave and say "See, I told you I'm to selfish to be in a relationship". He's tearing down your security and your self-esteem by torturing you like this, and when this all ends, you will be left broken. My advice to you would be to start reading some books about self-esteem and bounderies, and get out of this "relationship" NOW. Call his bluff for gods sake, he thinks his bread is buttered on both sides...he sounds like a smug b*stard and I can quite honestly say, that you can do much better than that. He doesn't deserve you.

May 30, 2006
9:52 am
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Rev,
I don't understand whats wrong with me that I try to make this relationship work. I love him but I worry its because I dont want to be alone or I am afraid I won't find someone better. He flat out told me he doesnt know how to communicate and yet I keep trying. I am such a strong person in every other aspect of my life but when it comes to me its like I am a different person.

Do you really think there are men out there that know how to treat women?

May 30, 2006
10:11 am
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revelation
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Hi there, sounds very like my ex...and you sound like me!!!

Your self-esteem is extremely low if you honestly believe that this is all you deserve and they you won't find anyone else. Of course you will...think of it this way...somewhere there is a man who is very deserving of you, and you are depriving him of getting to know you while you waster your time with this loser. He's not meeting your needs, he's crossing your bounderies and he's more or less given you an "out"...so get out while you can, and stop hanging on to this guy who doesn't want you to hang on.
Seriously, do this before you completely sucks you dry of all of your dignity and self-awareness.

Rev.

May 30, 2006
10:38 am
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Rev,
Do you mind if I ask you what your childhood was like? How did you get better and find healthier relationships?
Hugs

May 30, 2006
11:00 am
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Dear Feelinglost,

Im sorry you are feeling this way. I don't want to sugarcoat this for you, but do you really want to be checking his phone like this and having this lack of trust? It is not fair for you to put all your hope in this guy who is telling you he is not ready for relationship and he also acts like he is not ready. I can say this because I have been there. It hurts to know that he does not really want to be with you, though he care about you, he is not willing to invest in the relationship. You're trying too hard and in the end you will lose yourself. it is not worth the heartbreak to keep on like this. When your heart feels better, you will be ready for someone else that can return the love you want to share. And you will also realize that this guy is wrong for you unfortunately it will take time to get to this point, but you will. Taking time to check on him and feel jealous is a signal to you that this relationship isn't secure enough for you. When the right one is there, you don't think about checking phone, computer, etc. You just know it. Hang in there, but for you and you only. (((hugs))) TAJ

May 30, 2006
11:14 am
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Thank Taj. You were the one month ago that pointed out my BF acted like your ex and it sounded like he may be cheating. You were so right. Its funny when you told me that my first reaction was he would never cheat on me. Boy was I wrong. He says it was cheating cause we were taking a break but how can you be taking a break when he was still calling, emailing, and stoping to see me all of the time. I guess I feel betrayed and I found about the other women directly from her. I wonder if he would have ever told me.
I dont know how to let go. I am one of those people that thinks I can fix everything, that I can find a way to make that square peg fit into a round hole.
Hugs, FL

May 30, 2006
11:42 am
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revelation
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Hi FL....I ain't there yet honey...but I'm getting there!

My self-esteem has always been terrificly low! Except for a period in my early 20's when I was so out of my face on drugs that it was "chemically" high. I've done exactly the same as you, I hung on and clung on to my ex for 2.5 years while he decided whether he was "ready" for a relationship...in the end TA-DA he wasn't. I honestly thought I'd found THE perfect man....a jobless, toothless, personalityless loser, who aged 35 still lives at home with Ma and Da and is completely controlled by what they and his friend/enemies think. I call them friends/enemies, because, these are a group of guys who pretend to really like each other and then rip each other to shreds one their back is turned!!! Some life huh??? And I unfortunately got dragged into it.

No more no more no more...I have just recently realised, that it wasn't only my ex who was like this, there are also some friends that I had (Ex forbade me from seeing them) who were also like this (See, I've known my ex about 10 years, as long as I've known these other friends...same thing, they all pretend to like each other but in reality they all despise each other, really messed up)

So, I've just this past few days decided that I'm going to leave it all behind, I don't give two hoots about the ex, but it will hurt me not to have my friends...but I won't continue this stupid stupid crap that they live their lives by.

I'm reading a book on self-esteem, I've also learned lots about it here...its about valueing yourself and believing yourself worthy of what you want.

My childhood...well, I suppose thats where it all stems from. I was put-down and hyped-up on my mothers whim, one day I was a showpiece kid, the next I was the most horrible child in the world. I was blamed for my parents bad marriage and my mothers miserable life....enough enough...I won't drag that into my adulthood any longer.

I am me, I like myself, I WILL get what I deserve.

I have my down moments, and my doubting moments, but each time they come, I'm stronger and better able to whoosh them out of my head.

Feeling...its a long process, but its worth it, to build up your self-esteem. You MUST do it hun.

Rev.

May 30, 2006
11:44 am
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rev, what book are you reading?

May 30, 2006
11:49 am
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taj64
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I know it seems impossible to let go. But so many of us out there do go on and move on from something like this. This is not something you can fix or even he could fix. Eventaully you will grow to resent him if you stay with him and put up with him. There are quite a few guys out there that enjoy having women on the side as long as the girlfriend/wife doesn't know. A lot of them don't tell mostly because they don't want to hurt their loved one but at the same time, they cannot make the ultimate commitment. I am betting anything that he does love you in his way but not enough to give you what you need and want. He still calls because he is still tied to you, but he is also tied to other things as well. He simply cannot give up one for the other. And you're not the type to want to settle for just a guy who cannot totally commit. You deserve better. It feels so darn hurtful to have to share. I would suggest putting your distance from this person and don't go to places where the two of you could run into each other. It only will add to your hurt. In time your pain will lessen. And your heart will be open for someone else then.

May 30, 2006
11:55 am
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revelation
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Hi guest...its just called "self-esteem" I forget the author, a woman, first name Linda I think...I'll have a look when I get home and post it here for you.

Rev.

May 30, 2006
12:47 pm
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Rev,

My self esteem is pretty low too. It weird cause sometimes I feel like two people. I don't feel beautiful or smart all of the time. But some days I do, and on those days it feels great. I think a lot of my self esteem issues comes from trying to be perfect. I guess perfection is a double edge sword? I don't know I might have to start another thread and see everyones thoughts on perfectionist! Sorry my mind starts to wander...

It feels so good to talk. Thanks

May 30, 2006
12:48 pm
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Taj,
You are so right... Its funny in my mind I know what I should be doing but the hard part is getting my butt in motion.
You are the best!

May 30, 2006
1:18 pm
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FL,

As hard as it is, I agree with Rev and Taj that as soon as you can muster up the courage, you need to run like heck away from this man (boy).

I spent 9 years (age 17 - 26) with a guy who would do exactly the same things to me that are being done to you. Reel you in close just to spit you out. Make you feel like you are special just so he can then tear you down. It is his sick way of feeling in control, making himself feel like a big man on campus.

You deserve SO much better. I am 46 now and have spent much of my life inside relationships (family, friends, marriage) that are like the ones Rev describes. This is your chance to go out there and learn about how strong you can be - and how you can love yourself and not have to take this kind of push me-pull me crap from others.

(Guess I'm venting a bit here too 😛 - just hope it helps.)

CC

May 30, 2006
1:40 pm
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ConfusedCyn,
Thanks for joining in. My boyfriend charms the hell out of me, reels me, in and then treats me like crap. When we were talking yesterday I realized as soon as I get mad he acts nice, once I feel comfortable again thats when he pulls his crap.

I have had some stuff happen over the past couple of months that put my life in perspective. When we first met I pulled the cap he does but I have grown up a lot and I cant handle that behavior. I just want to believe if I changed so can he. I think the difference is I WANTED to change and he doesn't.
Hugs, FL

May 30, 2006
1:54 pm
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FL,

Oh, do I so recognize this guy.

And the difference between you - that you WANT to grow and change - and he doesn't (and most likely won't until he sees on his own that HE is his biggest problem) - that difference is why you so deserve to find happiness. What I mean is, that you are willing to admit you are human and that you are willing to work on yourself when you need to. So you deserve the kind of life you want. With a guy or without.

I know how hard it is to feel so alone and feel so vulnerable. (I am there right now...). But together, we all can give each other strength and get through it.

((((FL))))

CC

May 30, 2006
2:09 pm
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CC,

I know I should not waste my time trying to figure out why he acts the way he does. But I have to ask why do you think people act the way he does? Why the games and the drama?

(((CC)))

FL

May 30, 2006
2:26 pm
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Because he can and he knows he can get away with it. I hate to give a simple answer or even when that is harsh but he knows to take advantage of you this way. I would like to see you spend time, not on figuring out why he acts or what he does but figuring out why you act the way you do, by allowing all this to continue and not to stand up and when you do stand up, mean it. He gets away because he is enjoying the attention and he gets satification from being pursued even though he knows he cannot commit. it is a powerplay for him. And then there is guilt. If guilt is a factor, then basically he is torn between two worlds, one that doesn't want to hurt those involved and the other doesn't want to totally commit. Only when forced, will he change and then he might not change at all, if ever.

May 30, 2006
2:37 pm
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FL,

I think (my opinion anyway...) that people act the way he does because they need to make sure that they can always point the finger at someone else - because they are really so insecure inside that they cannot even admit to themselves that they are human and make mistakes.

All they are doing is running away - they cannot just be themselves because they are too afraid of rejection. So they reject first.

They need to be 'in control' - they need to see people react to what they do and say because that makes them feel they have power. And the drama of it all also helps distract them from seeing themselves as they really are. It is cruelty at its worst.

But be careful - I spent alot of years thinking that if I only loved a person enough, I could break down those walls, make them feel secure, make them feel loved - and that then they would be able to love me. Boy did I make bad choices. I learned the hard way that these types of people will only change when they realize that THEY are creating all of the problems in their lives - and not many of them are ever honest enough with themselves to see that. So don't try to 'help' him - he needs to want the help and go get it himself (and not from you - you are too close to him and too vulnerable to his 'charms').

Sorry about the rant - but I am just hoping you will choose to step back and protect yourself. You are worth it!!

CC

May 30, 2006
4:38 pm
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CC,
Very good points. I am starting to realize I can't help him. Him and I used to be so much alike. I just decided it was time to get my life together no one else did it for me.

Do you think we meet certain people for certain reasons? Even though my last relationship didn't work he taught me a lot about life and realtionships.

May 30, 2006
4:54 pm
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FL,

I sort of believe that we meet people for certain reasons. I'm not sure it is 'predestined', but I know from alot of stuff I have read that we tend to gravitate to people who reflect things in ourselves that we somehow cannot see on our own. Sometimes these things are good, sometimes not so good.

But (and I say this knowing that I have NOT been able to do this with alot of my past relationships YET) - I think the most important thing that happens when any relationship ends (for whatever reason), is to try and learn about yourself and life from it.

I am just starting to see how my relationships really are... and its pretty scary and painful too. But even with all of the pain and confusion and loneliness I feel, I am glad that I am finally seeing things as they are, and not as I want them to be.

Hang in there and stay strong - you seem to be making alot of good choices - keep it up!! 😀

CC

May 31, 2006
11:24 am
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CC,

I was trying to be so strong yesterday. Not call ect. well Igave in and called and he didn't answer so all of these thought started going through my mind. Who is he with, why isn't he answering his phone? So he finally called me back and he was grouchy saying how bad his day was. I said sorry to hear that and got off of the phone. He called a little while later and when I called him back he was at the bar "eating dinner". He tried to be nicey nice and say he just stopped in real quick. I want to be strong but he has a way of keeping me hanging on. I feel so frustrated...

May 31, 2006
11:42 am
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Dear Feeling Lost,

awwwwe I see you caved in. Don't worry though, you will learn eventually to not call him. Do you really want a guy who eats his dinner at bar and people that eat dinner at bars are also drinking and having conversations? And then he responds to you like Oscar the Grouch, like you are interrupting his day. It does you NO GOOD to call this guy cause it will keep you frustrated. I think you are romantizing him too much, putting him a pedestal. Why do you do this to yourself? You've got to realize to focus on yourself and find someone else you can return all that you can offer. You have a big heart and wasting on HIM. You're offering yourself on a silver platter to this guy and he doesn't see it nor does he care. His actions speak way louder than words only you aren't hearing or seeing them. I can see this with your words. I know you love this guy but it is not healthy for you to continue with this. Try the rubberband trick. Put one on your wrist and snap it every time you get an urge to contact him and when you snap it remember how you are going to feel after each and every time you make that contact. You know you will feel darn good for a few minutes but then reality hits and you will sitting there fretting all over again over what you did and how he treated you, not in the way you had wanted. Im saying this for your own good because I believe you deserve better than to live this way, pining away for a man who doesn't deserve it. A man who is not there for you. I know, been there, done that. So I want you to focus on YOU, not him. I know it is hard. It won't be easy at all, but do it. You won't regret it. (((FeelingLost)))
TAJ

May 31, 2006
11:45 am
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feelinglost

I can relate with your pain. I am telling you right now that if you stay in the relationship you will possibly lose your sanity. I almost did after 18 years. Let him go, you don't deserve this. You are being emotionally abused! I am reading a great book, The Emotionally Abused Woman...Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself, by Beverly Engel. Great book. Has helped me a lot. I have been divorced for 6 months now. My ex finally killed all the love I had for him. He slowly but surely turned off my love faucet after all those years. I was to blame for everything that went wrong in his life. He critized me, accused me of affairs, isolated me from friends and family, and finally the physical abuse happened....I ended the marriage at that point.

Talk to people, find friends to lean on. Get out of this relationship. Good luck and take care of yourself.

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