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I am terrified
May 7, 2001
2:22 pm
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scaredy cat
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I need some advice on relationships. I have had many over the years and always end them when I think I have lost control. I know you are suppose to let yourself go when you fall in love but I am having so much trouble and I don't want to ruin the one I am in now. In my everyday life I am confident, strong willed, dedicated, responsible....in a relationship I am insecure, afraid of being hurt, untrusting, jealous, angry. I get angry at myself for over reacting to some pretty insignificant things but can't help it. I don't know how to not be jealous, insecure, and over emotional when it comes to being in love. I want to be strong in my relationships like I am in every thing else in life, but I just can't seem to over come it. Yes, there have been terrible things in my past that I am sure have tons to do with this current problem. How do I move on, get over my past, trust a man, give in to a man, and really love?

May 7, 2001
2:26 pm
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taminc
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I feel you have just wrote an article for me.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I run about every 4 years.

I am going to get help. For the first time in my life I have sought out professional help at the age of 34.

I know I am a good looking girl and I could get some great men, but I just can't let go and enjoy my relationships.

I am real interested to read what people suggest for you.

Help me too.

Tammy

May 7, 2001
2:31 pm
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scaredy cat
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I am sure there are tons of women out there like ourselves...it's good to finally meet one. I would love go to go get help, I know that I need it....but it is so expensive for professional help. If anyone knows of a service or a way to obtain counseling without spending so much, please forward on the info to me. Keep reading Tammy, hopefully someone out here as some suggestions to help us.

Jamie

May 7, 2001
2:46 pm
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gingerleigh
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Has anyone else noticed that 95% of the posts on this site are about relationships? Kinda makes you wonder.

Anyway, private therapy *is* expensive, and there are other cheaper alternatives that I'm sure people can point you towards. However, all of this comes down to looking inside yourself and doing the work. Your therapist can't do the work for you. Some people end up in therapy for years and years and never see benefit because they are unable to get the work done. (Other people end up in therapy for years and years because they just have a lot to work on.)

I find that writing helps me. Write like you are writing a letter to your best friend, knowing that you will never send it. Be honest. Reread later. However, you really do need to be completely honest about what you feel and do and think because otherwise you're just confusing yourself further.

As far as "letting go" and fully trusting a man, can you be sure that he *is* worthy of your trust? Maybe he isn't, and you instinctively know that, but you aren't sure how. (As a personal example, my ex-husband would repeatedly complain that I didn't trust him and believe in him. We eventually divorced when things got unbearable, but I also came to find out later that while he was telling me to "trust him", he was having an emotionally-charged affair with a girlfriend of mine, and had even been with prostitutes while away on business trips. Trust him? Ha!)

Do you get to spend much "happy time" alone? Do you do things with your girlfriends? You say that you are confident in other areas of your life. What are those? Work? Family? Artistic expression? Community service?

These are all just some things to think about, get the juices flowing. Again, all that professional help can do is get you on the right path to doing the work. You might want to consider a single session to get your thinking, and then delve into the less expensive options that other folks will probably list. The route that I followed was I went for a few sessions with a private therapist, and then transitioned into one of her support groups which was much cheaper and provided the added benefit of getting multiple perspectives on things that I wanted to talk about.

May 7, 2001
3:28 pm
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scaredy cat
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Dear Gingerleigh,
I have tried reading a few self help books about two years ago to try to save my relationship back then. I felt better and actually felt a more positive outlook towards my relationship, after a year went by...I was right back in the same place again.

Writing definitely helps, I can't count how many times I needed to express something so I put it down onto paper to be sure I got my point across without letting too much emotion in the way.

For the first few months of my current relationship, I thought wow everything is so easy...this is how it's suppose to be. As soon as the first issue came up for us to deal with as a couple, I freaked out that everything is screwed up and began to panic. It 's at this point I would normally leave, but I don't want history to repeat itself. I want to be with this man and I want to be a good person in the relationship. In order to do so I need to be more understanding, less jealous, more supportive...instead all I can worry about is how everything affects me. I know this is greedy thing to do, I am not proud of it...I don't know how else to react.

I don't spend a lot of time alone, I am with my boyfriend about 4-5 days out of the week. The 2-3 days I don't see him I am with either family or my friends. I am very confident with my job, my family, my friends...it's just when I am with my boyfriend...all of my strong qualities melt away and I become a coward.

Thank you for the suggesting to go to a session once. I have thought about trying that and wondered if it would just tie me in and I would end up going back anyways. It seems there is so much in my past they would talk about that by the time they got to the present time, many sessions would of gone by.

I guess I was hoping that there was maybe a free or low cost counseling type thing that I didn't know aobut...if there is I have no idea how to find it.

I know that there is work to do, I know that a couselor can not do the work for you, but I don't know where to begin. Sometimes I just think if I can maintain a relationship without running, that all these things will come naturally but I can not get to that point. My current boyfriend is very good to me, I don't believe he would ever hurt me, and I don't compare him to my past relationships. If I were him I would not want to be with someone as closed off as I am, I want to be a better girlfriend/love/companion to him so that I can truly know what it feels like to love and be loved.

May 7, 2001
4:31 pm
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Molly
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I still like the book relational rescue by Phil McGraw. The reason I put up the posts Sisters was to get some feed back in this direction due to 97% of the posts from women in some sort of life distress, due to relations.
I think the biggest most important thing is to not confuse lust with love, and to make sure that we are old enough and secure enough with in our selves to begin the dance of romance. Not that we didn't all think we were weather we were 9,15, or 28. Sometimes I think the only way we find out what we don't know is to run into that block wall. Women you'll find, who have spent some time with out a man underfoot, have this air of confidence about them. They don't rush home for the voice mail, they don't spend hours wondering what they are doing, and they know what they want or don't want in life, and some how know the cost of consequences. Of course their is the slap from behind, the issue that was hidden, or the baggage of the man that isn't exposed until we are deep into the throws of committment. We move to fast, we are to accepting for the moment of romance? We need to look at our partners with out the rose colored glasses on, with out the white dress, and forever after, and look at what it is, a business arrangement, a contract. I think when we get to the black and white, it does affect the romance, but what has romance gotten us. there should be some sort of check list, starting with character, family history, and his. Know his roots, parents are the primary teachers, meet them, how do they interact, and visa versa, is this the way you see your self in 20 years, is it ok, Know that if you don't like what you see, that this is what you get!!!! How is the commitment history, finished school, gone to college, gota trade, money in the bank plans for his future? How about his choice of friends, are they of quality, or does he make excuses Will you allow them into your home?
These are the kinds of questions to ask your self, before you go on the third date, I know almost impossible. But these are the things that we do to get to the point of love and trust.

Love takes time, and trust does too, we just give both away to easy, with no conditions, and we get so surprised when it all falls apart. We just need to start later in life, and go slow.........

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