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I am terribly sorry for upsetting anyone on here!
November 22, 2006
9:06 pm
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doubledilemma
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Hello everyone!

I am truly sorry for some of the nasty, ill-though out or inconsiderate posts I have made...I don't expect to be forgiven, as I should have been on my medication yesterday and I am have been reluctant to leave the house or to see my mother when I am down and upset like this and I cannot accomplish much due to not being able to concentrate. I have been crying alot since reading theat "white gay male witch site" which seem to trigger me off into my latest despair, as it was SO tough, but I am sorry. I do not advocate suicide for anyone, even if like me, you only want to do it to let someone know how much they hurt you (which in my case is futile anyway as he would never know or even care I killed myself because of him!) - I am sorry if any of you are vulnerable in this way. I truly am and if I can make it up to any of you, I will.

I was also frustrated because I came across a site (not sure if UK) featuring some counsellors or psychologists and there was some good information and I have frantically checked my search history for the site and cannot find it....there were articles and one therapist mentioned how he was in an institution or something himself before and he now practiced eclectic therapy and had good results with depression. I wish I could find that site, I don't know I have searched the sites linked to this one and I cannot find it!

I can be a kind, supportive and caring person myself, but what I have been through since joining this site and as it is coming up to the two year anniversary of having met Mr UK online and then his birthday, it is getting hard. I don't know why this happened to me, I don't know why misfortunate can not only hurt, but can be so cruel too, I doubt any other man would treat a woman as cruelly as his last email to him reveals, or that any other woman he has known was treated so cruelly, so why it had to be me, I do not know...anyway, that is how it ended.

I am not in a good space, I have had a breakdown, but it is not the first since it happened. I think I have failed my studies again too and this week has been hopeless for concentration. There is no-one to take care of me and my husband just expects me to get on with life, as he works and says I have an easy life, which I am trying to do. I would love a break in a hospital, but I have too much to do, years of housework, years of dirty laundry, university work uncompleted and possibly failed, my life is a complete mess and there is no-one I cannot rely on anyone for support, not friends, not family, no-one except for professionals and the kindness of strangers like people on this site and I will do my best to support this site financially and otherwise in any way I can if I can get better and learn to control my rages.

I am sorry that you have had to suffer as a result of my breakdown, perhaps God is punishing me in this way for looking outside my marriage and for scaring the UK guy so much and pestering him to give me attention he did not want to give. I do not know why others achieve the goals in love and life that they do, whether they are lucky, more beautiful, more intelligent, I dunno. I have to accept that I will not achieve my dreams and that it was very stupid looking to a man overseas to attempt to do that and that I cannot blame Mr UK, I can only blame myself. After all, he did not ask to be emailed, I emailed him.

I am angry at myself, I wish someone had told me what I was doing, I wish I had not lost the friendship, I wish I was not so angry at him and at myself for not being wiser and smarter to start off with concerning my emotions and the reality of my situation being like it is, but this should have been a part of my psyche 2 years ago, not now. I am angry for not being forgiven my him, too and how much of my self-esteem and other things I lost last year because of the way the situation was and how it ended, none of which he knows about, because my attempts to communicate with him have been fruitless and I no longer wish to do so, and dredge up pain anyway.

I do have to find a way of putting him out of my mind and hopefully my memory, as it just fills me with the pain of unfulfilled hopes and dreams and I associate him with hopes and dreams which is stupid - it is better to live in reality I think...I don't know whether I need heavier sedating medication, or electroshock or what...I have wanted to quit the site, but I cannot do so completely.

Lastly, I am angry at myself for the way I have lashed out at all you extremely lovely and caring people on here, that is terribly unfair..I do have a "Jekyll and Hyde" personality now and the angry part of me becomes alive when I can't deal with stress, because in my mind I not only have to put him out of my mind, but my hopes and dreams for the future, too and I have to be able to do this for the rest of my life and that is (hopefully) going to be for a long time. I expect when I reach menopause that will be another crisis situation for me and I will have a breakdown again, because I won't have had children, so I have to think of that, too.

I do not wish him harm, or anyone harm, or the Irish lady he bedded harm, or his new wife, or new lovers, or whomever, they all deserve to have known him better than I for some reason and I have to accept that, just like some people deserve to have sexual love in marriage and children. My mental health is a part of who I am, it does deter people like him away from me and I guess I did not realise how strongly that must have come out in my angry followed by my obsessive email to him...it is only that others are used to me (like my husband, my psychiatrist).

I don't wish to be an angry person, I would rather be a calm person who accepts her destiny and her fate and the blessings she has with good grace, but somehow I am having alot of trouble achieving that!

I am sorry everyone and if there is a God, Happy Thanksgiving and blessings to all!

G xoxo
(doubledilemma)

November 22, 2006
9:08 pm
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lollipop3
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(((doubledilemma)))

Blessings and a happy holiday to you as well.

Lolli

November 22, 2006
9:09 pm
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Honolulugal
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Hi DD,

What a heartfelt post. Keep reading and posting.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

H-gal

November 22, 2006
9:13 pm
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Jenni
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DD, Come and join us on the Thanksgiving thread! There's plenty of room, and we'd be thrilled to have you! 😉

November 22, 2006
10:13 pm
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doubledilemma
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Thank you Lovely Ladies, I am sorry I am in tears and feeling very low, extremely, extremely low and sad and alone...but I will see if I feel better later, I have to take my medication and I am dreading going to a Kylie Minogue concert tonite with a friend, I don't think I can handle it, I am sorry, I just feel I want to go to hospital or something, I am so ashamed of myself, I am so terrribly ashamed and all I have for company during the day is this stupid computer and my mother sits at home wondering where her daughter is...I wish God would just come and claim me and take me away, why doesn't God do this to me, why?

November 22, 2006
10:17 pm
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doubledilemma
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Sorry, I am so scared, I am so lonely, I really am, I am so scared to even drive away, everything is overwhelming, life is so hard and overwhelming, I don't know why I am still alive, I should not be alive, I feel so lonely and isolated and I cannot cope with seeing the house like this. I cannot cope with putting on a brave face, I cannot cope with crying all the time. I cannot cope with so many mistakes, so much naivete and foolishness, everyone just thinks I am lazy and my mother in law thinks I am allergic to housework. Even making myself a sandwich now is too much effort. I just want to die, I just want to go in peace, please dear Lord.

November 22, 2006
10:40 pm
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StronginHim77
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double -

Call your doctor. I really think you need professional medical support right now.

November 22, 2006
11:17 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Sweetheart I am so so sorry for all of the pain that you are feeling. I am not sure if I am right or not but did you mention that you were bipolar? Cause I am also bipolar and it is not an easy thing to deal with especialy if we dont take our medicine. Many Many hugs and blesssings to you hunny. Please try and enjoy your thanksgiving. I will keep you in my prayers sweetheart. ((((((DD))))))

November 23, 2006
1:33 am
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doubleloss
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DD
I am praying for you. I feel totally unable to give you any valuable or comforting help. I hope that you please go to a professional. I'm worried about you, and I feel powerless. As well, not qualified one bit to be of any help to you.

I belive in a tender, loving God. I don't believe he/she is out to get anyone of us. We all have our demons and somehow we need to tame them or get rid of them.

I hope you stop punishing yourself, forgive yourself of any mistakes you've made ...

Blessings to you. yet another double

November 23, 2006
8:47 am
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taj64
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Hi. Yeah you totally vented out and I don't recall seeing that kind of venting. But you got it out and it is OK!!!!!! Don't take it to heart so much of what others think of you. We all make mistakes in life and you can learn from them and move on. Today is different day and tomorrow will be different. You can get past this. And you are trying. And to me that represents hope and strength. You got it within you and you should be proud of that.

November 23, 2006
2:17 pm
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CAMER
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((DD))) glad you posted this thread,
and you are a strong woman for all you wrote, and i do wish you a good day, you deserve it!!!
Camer

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