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I am such a mess right now
March 3, 2007
11:21 pm
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jewel
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I have so many other threads going, but wanted to start a new one to get everyone's attention. I am having the hardest time in my life right now. I am in recovery from drinking and it will be one year on march 8th. Lately, I want to drink again. Things were so much easier then. Another thing going on-I am getting married in may which a lot of you know and I or should I say we,my fiance and myself are broke. I am on unemployment and he is only working part time. We are just getting by. I am also finally dealing with the fact that I was born with a birth defect. I have fetal alcohol syndrome and have to pay the ultimate price. Not my mother although I am sure she felt as much guilt as I have shame. It would mean nothing more in the world for me right now to be able to smile. People take that for granted. I have hid my entire life and before getting married, I wanted my fiance to know everything about me. Now he does and is fine with it. I have several doc appts. coming up and need to find a job. I don't know how I am going to do that with myself feeling the way that I do. I am hanging by a very thin string right now and I am so tense. I am miserable. My fiance thinks that I should be happy. At least he can smile. I was suppossed to pick up my wedding dress tomorrow, but I called the seamstess and set up another day. I just want to sleep all day tomorrow. I hate my life right now.

Jewel

March 3, 2007
11:47 pm
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loverbee
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Life is hard so much of the time. I understand. But May I ask why you are focusing so much on your birth defect all of a sudden. I too was the product of FAS as I had mentioned and I didn't have it as huge scale as you, but if you have so many other things going on right now, maybe you need to focus on feeling better before you have the surgery.I think that you define yourself as the birth defect for some reason and you need to realize that maybe you should get it fixed when you realize that you are so much more than that. You are a generous, intelligent loving human being. That has nothing to do with your birth defect. I just hope you don't think that getting it fixed is going to make you feel all better because it is just a quick fix. You need to remember that there are probably feelings lying underneath your insecurity such as anger, sadness, pity and resentment. Just a thought.

March 4, 2007
6:45 am
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doubledilemma
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Jewel

Honey, I know you are in deep pain and up and down. I also know that you are doing it tough financially, but lemme tell you, you are in no shape to hold down a job at present. In the future, yes, it will happen, but you are so unwell that you don't need the added pressure. If you need to get married on a shoestring now, you will do it! Somehow the universe will provide. The only thing I can think of which will be therapeutic for you is to remember that sometimes you "act-out" for attention because you don't think you will be listened too. I "act-out" too, but you don't need to do so to be heard. You can learn to communicate assertively, hon. You will be listened to hon, we are all in deep pain and in various stages of suffering here too hon, just remember that please.

Also, perhaps consider doing voluntary work for an organisation which could use some of your skills in your area, so that at least you are keeping that up and you are getting stimulation from somewhere else. Like me, it seems that when we are in deep pain, all we can focus on is ourselves. Honestly, hon, forget about employment for now, just do some voluntary work of some kind, to get you out and in contact with people, that has enough challenge, O.K.? Also, you need to learn and to practice assertive communication skills that means you can be heard without clamouring for attention. I need to do this myself and it is the hardest thing when we think we are being ignored, but believe me Jewel, one day you will be grateful. In fact, you need to be in an environment where people are demanding of you, even for just a day or two and then you will see exactly what I mean!

Gentle hugs always

(((D_D)))

March 7, 2007
10:38 pm
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jewel
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Thanks lover bee and DD. I appreciate your replies. Loverbee, I know I kind of use my birth defect to represent myself when in fact that is not who I am. I have it and it is a part of me, but I am dwelling on it a little too much. I have been doing some serious thinking about things and I am getting better as far as that goes.

DD,

I don't know what you mean by act out. Could you please clarify? Do you mean that I am starving for attention. Never if that is the case. I just feel like a mess and I am trying to get myself straightened out. I am looking for a job, but I still have two months before my unemployment runs out. By the way, my employer was fighting it against me saying I shouldn't get it and a couple of days ago, I opened my mail and I was not denied. Boy was I happy. They could still appeal, but I don't think that they will go that far. I hope not.

Jewel

March 8, 2007
11:36 pm
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jewel
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I am really getting anxious about the wedding. My fiance said to worry about it when the time comes. He is right so how do I stop this fear? Am I worrying about what might go wrong. I dont even know what I am worrying about.

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