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I am still in love with him
June 8, 2006
3:38 pm
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taj64
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I could have seen him today. I decided to play hookey from work. I have been unhappy with my new job and know it affects my self esteem so I have been calling in sick much more than I used to. I don;t lay around depressed or anything like that; I do keep busy. But today I drove down the road around 12:00 and swore I saw my ex boyfriend, I used to call him pretty baby, he knows this. He has a car that is quite unique and only a few on the road. I know it was him. It was second that it could have been him. I have been thinking of him all afternoon. I cannot help it. I realized that I am still in love with him and that my life will never be the same without him in it. I do have to focus on the positive things in my life but I also realize that I do still love this guy deeply. And I wish I could just fall out of it. I have not been started a post in awhile. I know lately I have been not exactly happy but not depressed either. It always feels like I am waiting for something. Anyway, that is a start for me to start my own thread. Anyone out there take this long to get over someone? It is almost been a year since I last saw him, face to face.

June 8, 2006
3:50 pm
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taj,

I cried in the car today... the ENTIRE way home from work. I feel so sad too. I've felt a lot like you say you have lately. Not happy, not depressed, just... I don't know how to explain it. Just... HERE!

The last few days, I've realized that it's really, really over between me and FF. It's over. I thought of how badly he's hurt me and how many times I put my heart right back up on the chopping block for him to slaughter again and again! I loved him. I really loved him. I trusted in his love for me and was willing to wait for him to realize how perfect we are for each other. I figured that everyone needs to come to their own realizations in their own time... so I was patient. I was completely confident that after he did his running around (comparison shopping)... he'd be back to me. I now realize that is not going to happen. Not now. Not ever.

Amazing. We've been broken up for over a year!!! It makes me so angry with myself that I held on to him for soooo long and that I even have any tears left to cry. But today, I cried a river. It hurts so badly. I can't even explain it. So, YES.... I understand the difficulty of letting go. I understand how hard it is to fall OUT of love with someone. You are not alone!!!!

I don't have any words to console you today, Taj. I wish I did because you've been very helpful and supportive to me on my thread so I wish I could give back to you.

I'm hear to listen if you feel like talking more...

Much love,

TC

June 8, 2006
3:53 pm
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I mean I'm HERE... not hear! Duh!!!!

June 8, 2006
3:59 pm
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taj64
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I completely understand about your fireman. I could hear it for you yet I too also understand because you can see that if the man really wants to be with you, he would. And he's not, not for me. I could see he is not for you either.

I also heard something on tv just in general actors in a show. The man said something about trust. YOu know how you hear it here on the threads about trust. The guy said that trust is a part of loving. So I guess we have to trust in love for ourself and not trust in the love that hurts us and not to trust in the love that is not available to us.

June 8, 2006
7:31 pm
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sleepless in uk
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(((taj))) (((TC)))

dont know what to say except I know how that hurts

June 8, 2006
9:07 pm
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tiedupinknots
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I read about some ladies waiting 2 years to get back with their wayward spouse. I personally think it will probably hurt in some way all our lives. Life is difficult but once you can accept that then it is not difficult anymore. It is just life. So live it and learn from it and love and laugh and cry and scream and jump and dance. you know what I mean. This is it. Real life is pain and suffering, work through it and you shall find serenity eventually. It will come and go but once you realize the pain and suffering passes you will be able to handle whatever life throws at you. Now if I could only follow my own advice. lol 🙂

June 8, 2006
9:27 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Taj))) & ((((TC))))

You are both Wonderful, warm, nurturing ladies who have been giving many of us, including me, lots of love, comfort and support!

It really breaks my heart to know that you both have marital problems with your exes and love is not there anymore. You really do NOT deserve it.

I've never been married b4, apart from having bfs, and am aware of how difficult marriage/couple life is tho.

I am wondering if each of you ever thought about marriage/couple counseling. Have you proposed this idea to you SO? What did they say?

These are my 2 cents. I hope I managed to give you both and others some hope who are going thru the same ordeal!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

June 8, 2006
9:33 pm
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persistance
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And the realization is that you probably still will be in love with him. BUT NOW!
YOU MUST MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!

He can no longer be the earth that your life revolves around there is a saying

" WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES, ANOTHER DOOR OPENS; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.'-Alexander Graham Bell

This is a true statement . The universe will not send you anyone because you just can't close the door. TRY REAL HARD

The pain will lessen allow your self a half-hour daily to think about him. Soon you will stop on your own. You will have reflected on your part that contributed to the demise of your relationship as well as the part that he contributed.

Don't worry it is very normal to feel all of these emotions.FEEL THEM Let them all out and MOVE ON. Let us know how you are doing

June 8, 2006
11:00 pm
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Matteo
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Taj64,

No you don’t have to try any harder that you are trying. Why should you suppress your own feelings or deny them? It is OK not to quickly get over someone who was so unbelievably close to our heart. You are doing your best, the best you possibly can and that’s fine. You don’t need to jump into somebody else’s life, either. It is OK to be alone for a while. There are no time tables and schedules for ending your feelings.

I know how freaky it is to realize over and over again that you are still so much in love with him. I went through the same quite recently when I called him and thought that he cut all ties with me. It was awful, my heart sunk in. By the way, last time we saw each other was a year and seven months ago.

I am sure that you have ups and downs just like I do and it can take a long time. Try to use for your benefit the “lift” times, when you are feeling well, try to find some comfortable spot within yourself and peace. Forgive yourself for loving him, and never think that you did anything wrong to jeopardize your relationship with him. You know it is him, not you. And it hurts so much that despite the potential, despite the connection and everything else he is not with you. You did the best just like you are doing it now. Just don’t contact him, date a little when you are feeling better and forgive yourself. Trust that time will lessen the pain eventually; remember how long it took Jasmine to stop this crazy cycle? Eventually you will be able to move on, but for now it is OK the way it is. There are not magic wands which would make love disappear, unless you want to lie to yourself. You don’t have to answer to anybody but yourself. It is OK to feel what you are feeling, and you are progressing each time little bit more, each cycle takes you close to the end of this tunnel.

June 8, 2006
11:12 pm
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he2art
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Sounds more like obbession than love to me. I still dream about my ex and I have been divorced for years...but I know that I have really just turned him into the icon or a model of what I believe a good man is. It isn't really him - it's my ideal. An he was a flesh and blood man, a very nice man, but certainly not a God like I thought he was when I was young and married him.

Love would let us move on.
Obbession and idealization creates attachment which in turns has us doing things that are not such a good idea...

June 9, 2006
12:55 am
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Matteo
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he2art,

How do you define "obsession"?

Are you talking about yourself or Taj?

I can speak on my behalf only, but for me he isn’t and never was God-like! I know more about his shortcomings than he probably does himself.

I give Taj enough credit that she is able to see the difference between obsession and love and if she says that she loves him, I trust her.

June 9, 2006
6:03 am
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alycia
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I know what u mean taj, people come into our lives and really make an impact. Makes u wonder if it will always hurt just a little bit..

Hopefully not, for me it may as i have his child... they say another person helps heal a broken heart, a distraction, a new interest, etc it can help but at the same time when u really felt for someone they will always have a place in your heart i think.

I hope your feelings go one day and you move on to better and brighter pastures as they say....all i can say is ' life is unfair' we want people to be a certain way and they never will be, thats how it is for me, assume for you too...

You're a good person and i see all the help u offer people and although i am not religious i am sure god will watch over you.... we cant hurt forever taj, i am sure of it.......

June 9, 2006
7:11 am
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taj64
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I admit sometimes I was obsessive. I read up on being obssessive. I think my feeling were obsessive in the way that I think of him too much. It started to subside. I felt angry for long time, mostly and not getting to share my life with him. No he was not my husband. It was much easier to get over my husband. I do and have accepted that it is over. I did this awhile ago. Matteo is correct and also what Alycia speaks to me, sometimes we meet people in our lives that we connect and have impact on our lives, no matter how they came into our life, and he happens to be the one that deeply affected my heart. It doesn't matter that his decision to stay put and go on too, he is still there. I cannot make that go away. One thing is different, I think about him more but I don't react to it, I don't call him, I don't have hope that he will call, and I let it be. And boy do I know about thinking about my part in the relationship, I do know both my negative and positive parts in the relationships. That was much a rollercoaster of a ride as he was with me in his part in it. What I am glad to realize is that Im still in love with him and that I am not angry with him as much. I am grateful for this to have subsided because it was not good to hold onto to it for so long. I knew that love was still there. I just have to keep moving us. Thanks for the suggestions and comments, I really do appreciate it, it makes sense to me and helps me. ((((hugs to everyone))))

June 9, 2006
7:13 am
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taj64
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I meant I just have to keep moving on. I need to check my spelling and wording. Im terrible at that. thanks all.

June 9, 2006
9:04 am
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Dafney
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You know something taj64 as we grow up we learn that even the one person that wasn't suppose to ever let us dowm probably will. We have all had our heart broken and probably more than once and its harder every time.
But you know what as weak as we may feel and want to give in it only makes us woman stronger.

Sometimes we give too much thought to things when we should let go and let God. I read something this morning and it said why can humans be more like dogs they are loyal, dependable,eager to please and quick to forgive and forget and boy don't we wish people were more like that. I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes no matter how hard we try to have a good relationship with someone it just doens't work. Don't balme your self and don't balme them take for what it is even if you feel your life won't or doesn't feel the same cause guess what it isn't suppose to be. Remmeber like I was told in my threads some of us don't like change but what we don't realize is that change is good although we may not believe that at the moment.

I know I should take my own advice!!
Smile - Remember each day is a new day!!!

Talk to you soon!

June 9, 2006
11:29 am
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Matteo
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Now I know why I don't like dogs. Lol!

June 9, 2006
5:48 pm
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I understand. Been away from my ex for six years. Still think I love him, cried about it for years. I am remarried and I still miss the good parts of my ex.What I figured about it all is simply, that sometimes love isn't enough. All the crap that made them our exes are still there. I think to we can live in fantasy. I love what could have been, what I wanted him to act like then. Ofcourse he had a wonderful side, but then the opposite side to. Sometimes it is easy to remmeber the good, and sometimes the bad.

Maybe it was obsession, lust to, who knows, but its stil there...I think. Maybe its just a fantasy.

June 9, 2006
5:57 pm
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I'm glad to know i'm not the only one who cries in the car... take care sweetie, it will be ok.

June 9, 2006
6:28 pm
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Rasputin
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C'mon Matteo - How on earth could you hate dogs??? Such beatiful, lovely and incredible animals!!!

June 9, 2006
8:01 pm
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Matteo
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Rasputin,

I didn't say that I hate dogs. I said that I don't like them.

June 9, 2006
10:33 pm
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Jenni
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I'm only a few months out. But I honestly believe that I felt love AND obsession. I can distinguish the difference between the two, but I really believe both existed during the relationship.

Part of the reason for the breakup was for the sake of his happiness. I truly do wish him to be happy and healthy. And I do miss him. But there are many things about the relationship that I do not miss, such as the obsessive parts, on my part.

(((TAJ))) Thinking of you and understanding how you feel!!

Jen

June 12, 2006
11:56 am
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Taj,

You know for me it has been 18 months since the initial break-up with many nuances and hopes for six months after the initial break up. At one point I didn't want to feel any more emotion toward my ex. (it was an ambivalent relationship on his end). I came to realize I will always have a little pain from this - otherwise I wouldn't have formed an emotional attachment and I can't think of anything more painful than loving someone and them not loving you back when push comes to shove.

The thing was that all the people telling me to move on wasn't going to do anything until my heart was ready to match up with my head. I had to face the behavior and admit my anger towards him and the sadness of dreams unrealized - and that didn't happen to me just one day. Now as I am around other friends and new people - I find pieces of that get faced and my heart is healing, but not without doubts and insecurities, and one by one those are getting put into perspective. Hard work - but its like a puzzle being recreated into a new heart - vibrantly red, toned, and that circulates a healthy rich blood and gets rid of or reduces those toxins that don't flourish in the heart.

June 12, 2006
12:21 pm
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** ...its like a puzzle being recreated into a new heart - vibrantly red, toned, and that circulates a healthy rich blood and gets rid of or reduces those toxins that don't flourish in the heart. **

Be_a_screen,

What beautiful words!!! You are sooo right. It takes some of us longer than others to rebuild a heart that has been so severely damaged. Thanks for letting us know that it is not impossible and a new/better world is on the horizon if we just eliminate the toxins from our hearts and lives.

Much love,

TC

June 12, 2006
2:09 pm
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nirvana
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I feel the same as you all do. Over two weeks ago I said goodbye to someone I love deeply but who was just very bad for me. The worst thing is that he didn't even want to know why I couldn't see him anymore, just made an excuse that he'd have to call me back because he was driving at the time and that was that.

At times I beat myself up about what I've done but then remind myself what he was like. One thing I find helps is to have a list of all his (unfortunately many) bad points next to my bed as a reality check when things get bad. Let's keep strong, dear friends, the pain we're feeling now is so much better in the long run than the hurt inflicted daily by staying with a person who doesn't love and respect us.

June 12, 2006
2:32 pm
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Your right nirvana! But when you have such hope that some day they will change it makes so much more harder to let go. Well at least in my case it does......Its like a roller coaster ride that never ends......

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