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I am so very sad right now
May 3, 2009
11:26 pm
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Modesty Blaze
New Jersey
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September 30, 2010
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I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. I'm soooooo sad and I really need to let it out. For all the things that are not working and my life...for all the ups and downs...I keep taking my meds...I keep looking up. I am trying...I have no medical benefits and therefore can't go to see my therapist or to group... I try not to burden other people with the weight of my feeling... YOU KNOW WHAT...I keep thinking people are my friends and they're not. Someone who is my friend said to me this evening "why do you continue to let these people walk over you. Disrespect you and your feeling. Why do you continue to only see the good in them and they are never ever there for you"???? It's true...I keep cutting people out of my life and I'm so afraid to be all alone...I allow them to treat me badly because at least they are here. Damn if I don't sound like an abused women. I am closing the door on 3 people in my life tonight. I'm not mad...I am hurt and I am tired...I feel damaged...I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to make excuses for them hurting my feeling...I don't want to walk on eggshells so I don't get hurt...I don't want to feel like a loser because I take whats being servied up "thank you sir may I have some more" I don't want to be this way...I want and wish and want and wish they would change but I know as long as I continue to take it...they will continue to serve it up. I don't want to push them out of my life but I have to. No anger...I am not mad...I just want my heart and my head not to hurt anymore.

May 3, 2009
11:38 pm
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chelonia mydas
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September 24, 2010
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(((Modesty Blaze)))

Welcome to AAC. I'm glad you have come here for support and to express yourself.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, but you seem to be on the right path toward a better life.

Recognizing that you are in a situation that isn't meeting your needs and then taking steps, even if they are painful steps, to take care of you first is giant progress.

Have you read any books on codependency? When I read Melodye Beatie's Codependent No More, it was a real eye opener into my life and why I was so miserable.

Sending you hugs and support to get through this difficult time.

May 3, 2009
11:52 pm
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sunshine88
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September 24, 2010
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hi MB, good day to you! like chelonia, i encourage you to allow this discussion board to be your shock absorber. there are lots of people here who had gone through/are going through the similar situation you have, and they have so much to share.

modesty, you are such a sweetheart. you are insisting not to feel anger towards how these people are treating you, but you are hurt, degraded, and stamped upon. i say, you should permit yourself to be angry, not at them, but at the situation.

you said that this situation makes you feel damaged. that's enough a reason to feel angry about it, and to take a decision here and now, to get out of it.

these people giving you such bad treatment, they may never change. in fact, i could almost say that they won't. but you can! and the moment you change your perspective, you change your reaction, you stand up for yourself, you stop allowing people to walk all over you, then your life will change, even without them changing themselves.

please do keep that thought for a while, and see how it can apply to your life.

hope to see you again here, MB. for now, big hugs coming your way!

May 4, 2009
4:17 pm
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daydreamer
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Modesty Blaze

If it makes you feel any better I feel the same way you do. I am sitting at home right now trying to concentrate on my homework for tomorroos class and can not do it i find myself crying instead. I have cut alot of peope out of y life because I am tired of the one way street thing. I want my heart and head not to hurt anymore. I am tired of the sick feeling in my tummy of trying to amke sure eeryone esle is happy. I have come to realize I need to make me happy first. But it just doesn't seem to go that way and then I have he hurt. I just need a hug once in awhile and hear everything is going to be okay. I just lost my job last week.. man that stinks. i have never been out of a job. I feel lost and like i am worthless. my b/f and are having issue and that hurts even more. I am am hoping the meeting I am going to start going to for COda's willhelp me?? But to make a long story short I know how you feel. and my prayers are with you.

May 11, 2009
5:17 am
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sunshine88
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September 24, 2010
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hi daydreamer, lots of cyberhugs from me coming your way!

the first few weeks after my breakup, i was same as you. i cannot imagine having to suffer THAT, and be jobless at the same time. i wish i can in anyway give you comfort. am sad for your situation.

i do hope that coda meetings will enable you, make you stronger, turn this scar into a star. i do hope that you will find a good job soon, something u will really enjoy and be happy about.

i do hope you will find a friend today, with whom you could get the support and the hugs you so need every now and then.

hey modesty blaze, big hugs to you too. how have you been?

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