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i am so smitten w/this guy. will he call???
January 21, 2005
2:24 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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November,

If he hasn't called by now he probably won't. As a matter of fact, guys are a lot more clear than that. If a man really likes someone then they'll call the next day.

You're doing yourself a disservice waiting by the telephone. You're doing him and every other guy a disservice trying to analyze him.

Here's a good rule: If it happens easily it will happen. If it's not going to happen easily it won't happen because it's difficult. Stop throwing energy that could be spent elsewhere thinking about this guy and move on.

January 21, 2005
2:26 pm
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marley
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well - although that is true, it is hard to simply not even hope . . .

January 21, 2005
3:18 pm
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kathygy
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Who knows what is going on with this guy. A man can be attracted to a woman and still not call because he may not be ready for a relationship or he may be scared of having one. They say timing is everything and the time may not be right for him. Just don't take it personally. Its about him. not you.

January 21, 2005
4:33 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Marley & kathygy,

Hope is bad! Don't hope at all. Do something else! Do something that attracts the type of person you want in your life. If you want to marry an athlete be an athlete. If you want to attract screwed up than be screwed up. If you want a man whose clingy and desparate than be clingy and desparate.

No! Wrong! Take it from a guy. We're not afraid of relationships. Most of us would rather be bleeding to death than face the prospect of dying alone.

We are afraid of losing telephone numbers.

We are also afraid of being involved with the wrong person.

Stop waiting for a relationship. Relationships are hard work. Not everyone who is in a relationship wants to be in one. Relationships present obligations that being alone doesn't. Consider your current freedom to go where you want to go and do as you please. These aren't things you'll be able to do so readily after Mr. Right finds his way into your life. (Unless Mr. Right happens to be me but then I'm more open-minded than most;)

January 21, 2005
4:50 pm
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marley
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"Not everyone who is in a relationship wants to be in one." Then why are they in the damn relationship to begin with if all they are gonna do is whine? Why don't the men leave and come after all of us wonderful single women?

January 21, 2005
5:06 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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Nobody ever gets into a relationship thinking it's going to turn into a nightmare. Think about it for a minute. If I told you that our relationship was going cause us much hardship and grief and that we'd be more miserable than we would be if we were single would you join up anyway? No. No one ever signs up to be in a bad relationship.

You also certainly don't want to meet a guy who's going to leave at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. All of us - Guys and Girls - will stick through a bad spell if we think that we can be happy in the end. Sometimes it is an illusion; a mirage in the dessert. A lot of times it's not. Sometimes there is a renewed spirit of mutual commitment at the end of these hard times.

Be wary of the man who leaves his woman for another. He will almost certainly do it to his next lover as well.

January 21, 2005
5:08 pm
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marley
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hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm - lets just say you are always bickering and nit picking and don't have a single thing in common. then what do you do?

January 21, 2005
5:11 pm
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Anonymous
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And then of course you have the relationships where one person is willing to stick through the bad spell in thinking that something good might come in the end and the other is not at that spot. So like everything, you live you learn and you make sure you don't do it again.

By the way I agree that you attract what you are. Dysfunction attracts dysfunction that is why you do not see healthy people with dysfunctional people, they couldn't stand it for more than ten minutes.

One other thing I do agree with, if he wanted to call you he would. When people are interested in someone they go for it, they call they do the things that you would expect to be done, all games aside. And if you do get someone that does play the games, then why would you want that anyways. Games are only fun when you win, and more often then not, you don't win.

January 21, 2005
5:13 pm
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marley
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so back to this idea of cheating and guys doing what they want . . . if he isn't sure about his ex or whatever (right november?) then even if he really wanted to call - would he? or would he wait until he was sure he was over her? I mean come on . . . if he calls you right away then you might think he is a womanizing bastard . . . and you might be right. How do you win?

January 21, 2005
5:58 pm
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november
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OK UPDATE EVERYONE I know you may tell me that i should not have done this "I didn't call Wayne", but I called a mutual friend and talked with him and this is what I found out. Wayne was dating this aerobic girl but isn't really any longer. There is this other woman that he has met from Dallas that he has only known a month and he has taken her out one time. He didn't even mention her to me. Oh, and I didn't ask this question our friend just volunteered the info. The next thing I found out was I don't know if you remember that originally I had talked with this friend instead of Wayne because Wayne's number was unlisted. Well, when Wayne found out that I called this friend and not him he told his friend. "I can't believe this, she called you instead of me." "she is my x girlfriend" "what is up with that" etc. He also stated to this friend one time when they seen me at the store that 'she really has changed alot, but she is still Rhonda" ???? who knows what that means. I think the real kicker that I had no idea was that this friend liked me, so Wayne had not told him anything really about the night. This friend (Alton) said Wayne probably didn't want to hurt his feelings but it was ok, etc.. I had no idea. I felt bad about that. But he and I are still friends and Alton was not surprised by my reaction to Wayne, he said he already knew that even if I wasn't aware of it he said he could tell when I was talking to Wayne that there was something there. Which I didn't even realize that at that time. So maybe Wayne felt he was really put in a bad situation who knows. Anyway Alton said that Wayne feels very strongly about me, but probably he was thrown for a loop and wants us to be friends and gradually go into a dating relationship, which I totally agree. So, that is the scoop. I feel better. Alton said we are still on for when he gets back in town that we will all have to go out to dinner and out dancing. Ok, I feel better but I hope I didn't cause friction between those two. Alton seemed totally ok with everything. He and I have never been on a date and have always just been friends. I don't know why Wayne had not called but maybe he is sorting things out. So now I know more so I will just wait and see with all that. Well, how bad did I mess up this time??? Ok to the guy that posted as well, i am glad you posted, but my question would this have made any difference?

January 21, 2005
6:02 pm
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november
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i am telling you i think he thinks i am a disfunctional mess and he doesn't want to get involved with that. but i am not really it jsut all happened at a really bad time. oh well, the heck with it. i think the guy is right if he really wanted to see me he would have called and said something. anything. he didn't so i can only believe that for whatever reason he doesn't want to see me. maybe i was to pushy and didn't realize it. who the hell knows. man what a trip..

January 21, 2005
6:14 pm
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marley
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I think you have the right of it with the wait and see attitude. I mean what is the worst that can happen - he continues not to call, what is the best that can happen? he calls and you are happily surprised and you guys can get on with your life together.

January 21, 2005
6:18 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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How do you win?

Stop trying to analyze. It's not a war. Don't get so attached to a guy who isn't sure about the status of his relationship.

For [email protected]#$ sake!!! You don't want 'em fresh out of the relationship anyway. Want a sick man? Find one who has never been without a relationship. These guys are candy-asses.

The best you're going to get is a guy who brings all of the unresolved baggage from his last relationship and projects it onto you. In the end - DRAMA!!

Re: Hmmmmmmm... Nitpicking & things in common: What started the attraction in the first place? If they didn't have anything in common when it started than why did they get together? They're probably just two people who are bored and fucked up at the same time.

Are you sure you're not trying to lure a man out of his relationship with someone else? If that's the case you're in for some real pain.

Wonderful women don't do this. Wonderful women stand on their own and find single men. Wonderful women don't interfere with other people's relationships. There is nothing wonderful about a man who leaves his wife or girlfriend being lured out of any relationship by someone else. The word I would use is pathetic and I'll guarantee you more pathetic than you can shake a stick at if you get your way.

The only reason you're doing this is because it is validating but it shows that the only person you really care about is yourself. That isn't wonderful at all. That's just... well... pathetic.

January 21, 2005
6:19 pm
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november
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sorry that was so long up there, i gave probably more detail than need be. i know i did lol.. sorry i do that sometimes

January 21, 2005
6:21 pm
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marley
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hang on a second - just hang on.

pathetic? what exactly is pathetic? If you are interested in someone and they aren't sure where they are in life is that pathetic. Should you just sit around and think, yeah he is wonderful but he doesn't know what he wants so I should move on (OK I guess that makes sense) but still . . . what if you both just want to take it slow and find out where you are? why is that disrespectful or pathetic? why isn't that just waiting without any expectation?

January 21, 2005
6:23 pm
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marley
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Re: Hmmmmmmm... Nitpicking & things in common: What started the attraction in the first place? If they didn't have anything in common when it started than why did they get together? They're probably just two people who are bored and fucked up at the same time.

ok so what if they are bored and fucked up at the same time? does it mean they are going to be like that forever? or it just how they are with each other? don't you ever act differently around different people? I mean who knows maybe the attraction has worn off, maybe he has lost his parents and gotten really clingy, maybe they made the stupid mistake of moving in together and now they can't figure out how to move out? there are a thousand stupid things people do every day - so why is it pathetic to want to be with someone who isn't perfect?

January 21, 2005
6:27 pm
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november
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to phal liberator, one, he isn't in a relationship. he is dating, nothing serious, just dating. where did you get that i was barking on someone else's territory, for one i would never do that. i asked up front if he had a girlfriend, he didn't elaborate but he said he dates and said a little about this woman that he had dated, nothing serious in that. he didn't tell me that but that was confirmed, i assumed though it wasn't or he wouldn't be talking to me. i appreciate your comments but i think you are getting my story mixed up with someone else. i am surprised he hasn't called, end of story. nothing that i will die about tomorrow or anything. nothing that will stop my life from turning. and if you knew anything at all about women you would know that this is exactly what all women do, we talk, we talk and we actually don't have to resolve anything. it just makes us feel better and i am not less of a person for doing that. if anything i will find answers that someone that didn't bother to talk might not have.

January 21, 2005
6:33 pm
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marley
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november - I think people interject their own crap here. We know you wouldn't bark in on someone else's territory (I think he was talking to me).

January 21, 2005
7:03 pm
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November,

After reading some of what you have written about this guy, I see a couple of red flags waving. Why did he refer to you as his "ex-girlfriend"? And why did he react in such an upset way when he hadn't taken the time to call you?

I don't want to see you get hurt, or involved with someone who doesn't seem to know a good thing when it is staring him in the face.

Be careful with your heart. It is precious!

Love,

Ren'ai

January 21, 2005
7:08 pm
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november
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man i thing this thread struck a nerve. i feel better though. lol... see how that works. the guys walk off pissed off and we feel better. lol.. definitely need to post that book "Men are from Mars and Woman are from Venus".. lol

January 21, 2005
7:26 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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No. I was talking to marley. I'm sorry.

November,

If it were me, dating someone else and running into an old crush who I had an inclination to pursue something further with, I would probably take some time to mull it over a bit.

If I wanted to pursue something with you than I would call the other person up and let them know I needed to talk to them about confirming the nature of that relationship.

I'd sit down, face to face, and tell them what was up. I would try and make sure they were okay with it. If I needed to break it off than I would break it off.

Sounds like he's in decision mode but I do hope it works out for the best, whatever happens.

Marley,

I like you. I mean, you're thoughtful, articulate, and well-meaning, and I don't think you're pathetic.

So let's say that you two are actually meant to be and he's just in a bad way because of his current situation:

If I were you I would back off. His relationship being on the skids, you're not going to make anything clearer for him by hanging around.

When he finally leaves, and gets over his rebound phase, you can know that he did it on his own and not because someone was hanging around reminding him about the greener grass.

He'll feel better about himself, not having cheated on her, and you'll both know that your relationship wasn't about any subconcious validation or the provision of an escape route.

By not having you there to rescue him he'll have to stand on his own two feet and rise to the occasion. In the end, if it's meant to be, you're gonna get a hell of a better guy than you would were you to pursue things currently.

NV-

If I knew anything about women... Trust me. I know. Women like to talk about things that they are thinking about and aren't as devoted to finding a solution for it as men are.

I apologize for my linear thinking in your regard. That's what men do.

January 21, 2005
8:10 pm
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november
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philac liberator question, now that you see my situation you think that it doesn't mean that he isn't interested because he isn't calling. i really appreciate a men's perspective on this. to me, if i was interested i would have called but there again i am a woman. and since his friend liked me to and they have been friends all their lives i can take that into consideration but still i am like my gosh guy call and tell me something, i am not just someone you just met i have known you all my life so i would think that would carry some weight. or would it???

January 21, 2005
8:50 pm
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NV,

Absolutely. He may be waiting for his own clarity though. If you must understand anything about men you should know that ambiguity is not our strong suit.

Remember my apology for linear thinking. We, often, feel that it is necessary to be committed to a decision before following through on it. I'm not speaking for him but that would be my reason for taking such a long time. I'd want to be careful about everyone's feelings and want to be ready to follow through on a decision that might be indicated with a phone call.

There is another course you can take. You might try seducing him. This allows you to take the initiative and foregoes any waiting on a phone call.

A skillful seduction can be a lot of fun but it takes work and finess and isn't going to be accomplished by you calling him.

For what its worth, my gut says he's going to call, but that's also me rooting for you.

If he said he was going to call and it's only been a week, wait just a bit longer(Tomorrow afternoon), then activate plan B.

PL

January 21, 2005
8:57 pm
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november
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well Philac i kind of already did that and i am worried about that as well. i don't normally drink at ALL and we were out and i got pretty tipsy, we didn't have sex or all the way so to speak, but there was some seducing going on and it was me in the lead at first, so i am not sure what he thinks about that as well. he did say "that he didn't want to be with me like this and i said the same thing so we didn't actually have sex but did this hurt me. i am so worried about that. oh well, what is done is done. he knows that i don't drink he even said in the car to my friends that "she would not be doing this if she wasn't drinking" he is shy so i don't if i was more than he could handle, i can be pretty forward but that comes from my work, i have to be agressive in my work and it doesn't come out so much in relationshps unless i am drinking. i hope i didn't screw this up. it was fun though lol..

January 21, 2005
9:29 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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FUN!!!

I love fun. I used to love drinking but I quit that for good and for all. I still love fun.

hmmmm... Not all the way but you got pretty aggressive.

Usually, if he didn't want to be with you while you were tipsy, that's a good sign. Don't be hurt by that. If he had just wanted something casual, he might have.

Now, if you want to seduce him (again) one way would be to show up someplace you know he's going to be. Be warm and cordial and don't drink this time and when he starts getting chummy with you, play the coquette. A sudden reversal into hard to get might just make him chase a little harder.

Too much of a mind-fuck? There are other methods but let's keep going on this one.

If he's not biting start making contact with some of the other guys nearby. Just conversation. No dancing. This establishes a love triangle. It drives men nuts.

This is important: Don't be innaccessible to him while you're doing this. Respond when he talks to you. If you make physical contact with anyone, make sure it's him and not another guy you might be talking to.

The whole idea behind a seduction is to generate so much tension that when there is finally a consumation KABOOM!!

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