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I am so hurt, I feel so desparing
May 22, 2005
8:36 pm
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exoticflower
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I didn't let him control me and get the insanity from me that he needed to look good, but I hurt so badly right now, I feel so numb and destroyed. I love him so much and these are the things he wrote me.

"I have been so happy these last two weeks without you bringing despair and misery and pain into my life again. "

"I am not sick. I do not have any sickness. The only sickness I had in my life was you, and I have extricated that sickness. You don't pray. This is silly. You are delusional and mean and mentally ill." (I said I would pray for him, something I have mentioned that I am not very good at, and told him that I love him more than anything, but his sickness is one I am not healthy enough to take if ot is to be in the best interests for my daughter and I)

This is the letter I wrote him...

"I hope you got my letter last night. I was quite upset, and cannot emotionally
separate from the things that you do not think are real. I know what I know and
wish more than anything that things where different, but they are not and all I
can do is look out for my daughter and I's best interest, most of which include
me letting go of you emotionally and excepting that I can only help myself now,
and that you will not seek help until you are ready. I will not close the door
to you, D--, And want you to come back to our life as a family if you find
yourself ready at some point to make changes in your own life, but as long as
you are not it hinders my ability to move forward and become more healthy in my
own. I know you understood all of this when I was leaving, and it gave me hope,
and still gives me hope. If you reached that honest point once, I know that
there is a chance you will reach it again. There is a bright eyes song 'First
day of my life' that has one line "...with these things you just have to
wait and see, but I would rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win
the lottery". The whole song is really beautiful even though it's sappy, it
makes me cry. It is what I will likely never give up hoping for for us.

I love you D--, and I know that I have problems, I want to fix them for
myself and my daughter, and to be strong for you if you ever want to fix your
own and need my support. But you are an alcoholic, and you have done the things
when you blacked out that I have told you you have. I am not lying, nor am I
crazy. I am unhealthy, but not crazy--I am angry and irrational about it, but
not evil. And I am getting better all the time. You don't have to believe
that, but i know for a fact that it is all true, I'm sorry.

I'm so destroyed right now. I didn't let on how deeply it hurt, but I just feel so worthless, I need some sort of support.

May 22, 2005
8:44 pm
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saralynn
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I don't know what to say - I read so much wisdom and amazing words on this site - that I feel sort of inadequate to give any advise - but you touched my heart and I want you to know Exotic Flower that I think you are so sincere, courageous, and beautiful! You made such a difficult choice, but you made it! I find myself freezing when it comes to choices - like a deer in the headlights. Anyway, just know that I care and I'm praying for you. (If you don't think you're good at praying, I think you're better off; some people have really fancy prayers that just hit the ceiling. I think the prayers that reach heaven are simple and childlike) hugs to you!

May 22, 2005
9:14 pm
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exoticflower
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I just love him so much and feel so destroyed, like I've lost everything I thought we had, I can't stop crying

May 22, 2005
9:15 pm
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exoticflower
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I wanted to marry him one day, ibelived he loved me, i feel so worthless

May 22, 2005
9:30 pm
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Deena
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ef...I've been there recently myself. It feels like you can't go on. It's extremely emotional and heartbreaking. BUT...you will get better...There's that whole 'time' thing everyone says. I will admit it does get better, but we always have those days. Rather than dwelling on it..get pissed off. That's what helped me. And NO CONTACT! I do know how you feel, hun... Im starting to heal. My ex isn't worth my happiness or putting myself thru it anymore. How long has it been?

May 22, 2005
9:45 pm
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Cinamac
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Dear exotic flower

I am so sorry that you love the essence, the soul of such a wounded soul.

I, too, loved such a soul, and he almost destroyed me. That is what codependancy does to us. We attach to people who suck the life out of us. And we try to help, fix, hang in there, wait until they get better. Help them change.

One day the penny dropped, and I realized that the only one I could change was me. I decided to take a break from helping and fixing him (but in my despair I wondered who would look after him...my counsellor said that he would find someone else...and he did- like practically the next day). I knew I needed all my energy for myself and my children. So I left.

I was destroyed...but I rose from the ashes and eventually started to rebuild- I did that for my kids and for me. One foot in front of the other, head held high, one day at a time. You can do it.

May 22, 2005
10:41 pm
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(((exoticflower)))-

You are a kind and special person- I know just from what you have written to me on my posts. It saddens me that I have no words of wisdom for you as you did for me.

You are in a painful place right now. It is hard to imagine that anything anyone can say can make one feel better at those times. But sometimes it does feel better to vent, and to have ears to hear. Bleed out onto the computer screen.
Just know that you are not alone and so many of us here care.

-ella

May 22, 2005
10:54 pm
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angel4U
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((((((((((((exoticflower)))))))))))))

You know my heart is with you, girlfriend!!!, and I know you know how I feel about all of this. As I shared with you, his reaction is sooo typical. He is on the defensive right now and fighting dirty with you (he is trying to deflect his hurt onto you). In my opinion, his words were pretty cruel, and my first reaction was to want to punch his lights out for saying that ... =) ... hey, that's my protective "big sister" side coming out out, sorry!

The only way to stop being hurt by his anger is (as Cinamac suggested) hold you head high, girl, and believe in what you are doing is what IS in the best interest for you and your daughter. If you have to stop communication with him for awhile to pull yourself together and get stronger, do it! Don't allow yourself to be pulled back in to these silly battles that always end up making you feel awful in the end!

btw - I think your letter was beautifully written, ef. I have one suggestion though (which I have done myself) ... stop mentioning his alcoholism. From my own experiences, and everything I have read, this will only make him feel like you are trying to control him and will increase his defensiveness (from what you shared with me recently on how he is now throwing in your face how much he is drinking now that you are gone, that's exactly what he is doing). You already told him you thought he had an alcohol problem and that's why you had to leave, and believe me, he hears you loud and clear. Now let yourself be okay with your decision, and don't feel you have to prove anything to him anymore. Ok? Please trust me on what I am saying ... I have been exactly where you are at, and have learned that those words (you are an alcoholic) seem to be an instant sting to their souls every time they hear them ... and the result from them is always an "FU, you ain't gonna tell me what to do" kind of response.

Please use whatever you have in you (and I know you have ALOT in you!!!) to continue to get strong ... and most of all, be the stable one in all of this ... and noone will ever be able to take you down!

As that one line goes ... keep heading for the light, don't go into the darkness with him"! ... or you'll end up with 2 of you in a big black hole, and who wants that, right?

Many hugs and prayers to you, ef!!!

angel4U

May 22, 2005
11:19 pm
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saralynn
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Exotic Flower, It's soon my bedtime (10:30 p.m.-Central Time Zone) but I wanted to say "Good-night, and I pray you will rest well tonight. When I pray with my children I ask God to give them sweet dreams, and chase away the bad. I will include you and your daughter as well! -g'night E.F., ~saralynn

May 22, 2005
11:19 pm
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exoticflower
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I know all of these things, I do, though I really needed to hear them right now I think. The lost love, the feeling so dested by someone I care for so much is the problem now, it hurts me so deeply. I feel completely helpless, I feel like I have been stabbed. I don't think he ever loved me, I can't believe he would say those things to me, I feel hated and worthless, I am letting it get to me even as I know I shouldn't I hate this feeling. Thank you guys, I just really lost it, crying, hurting, I feel like--I just feel horrible, like the man I love has just called me a crazy worthless bitch and what he thinks of me means so much, I guess. Thanks again, I think I'm jsut going to try to sleep on it and work it with myself later out later. I'm really hurt right now, I feel so torn apart.

(((((((((((all))))))))))))

May 22, 2005
11:46 pm
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EF-

You can't judge an entire relationship by the painful events. There were good things as well, and even if you are thinking well it's ending/it's over- well that doesn't mean things were always that way. You have to tell yourself that things were real at one time, that the relationship and the love have a life of their own. He loved you once, most likely it is hidsight distorting that now. That doesn't mean that the relationhip is healthy for you now, but do stop reflecting on it as something you should have seen as false. ("I don't think he ever loved me.")

I write this without knowing everything about you of course, but it seems like what happens a lot when people are having problems. Feeling like you shouldn't have certain feelings is a whole thread in itself, but maybe we all feel a little shamed when we are hurting over love because sometimes we feel that is a selfish thing? I don't know. Your story has similar elements to mine. Some of what I told you is what my therapist has told me. If you do not reconcile with your guy, someday you should remember the good parts for what they were- real love... however painful at times. Remember it was there. People forget that persons with addictions are capable of that. He loved you. Maybe still does, but doesn't know to be the person you deserve.

And denial can be an incredible thing. My ex did just about everything to avoid taking responsibility for his addiction, including blame me for the fact that he got high that particular day, etc. Hostility is not unusual, so remember that when you read those letters.

Wow, I can talk the talk but... I feel very much how you feel right now. It just hurts and that's the long and the short of it.

In time we will heal.

hugs,
ella

May 23, 2005
10:55 am
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exoticflower
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Ella, it is true, these are just the sort of things we where talking about. Funny how things happen like this, just when you where telling someone else how to deal with it. I guess I should probably go back and read that thread.

I think the words where just SO strong and SO (dare I say without being melodramatic?) abusive that I feel as though he where here screaming them at me. And he says horrible things all of the time, but to write them is another matter-he is a writer, and he thinks before he writes, even when drunk. I don't even think that he was drunk right then. And of course that was not all that he wrote, just the parts that really took the wind out of me and really made me cry. I still feel very betrayed, and certainly very hopeless. He also said that I was just like my stepmother, who he has never met and knows very little about--I have just told him that I am afraid of possessing some of her qualities when I feel helpless and that it was a truely horrifying time for me. I can't belive he would take something so personal and use it to rub salt in a wound I never should have showed him. Really, that he could ever say anything like that to someone who he has claimed to love, was calling his fiance just a month ago. It's just so much to deal with, so hurtful and confusing, makes me feel like a fool and a monster all at once.

At any rate, I came to get my hysterics out here, I refused to show any hurt to him, said of course it hurt, but that I love him and that his words won't change that and I will always hope good things for him but can not have anything to do with him while he is like this. I think that was the right thing to do. Councelling today, so that help will help a lot too. Also, I sort of needed some validation I think, or at least some feedback--if this was something I did encourage, I want to get to the bottom of it, but looking back I don't think so, I think it is the way that defensiveness and denial at its ugliest works (though I still feel completely loathed and hated by the person I love, and that's a pretty icky feeling...)

Angel, I can see what you meant though about the mention of his alcoholism. This does need to be about my daughter and I, and being the best I can for us, why I can't deal with him is not something I need to get into, something I do not need to make so sure he knows. I just can't shake that whole want to fix him and save him thing. And thanks for the big sister defensiveness vibe, it's very comforting, and without years of fighting, resentment, or competing for parental effections:)!

Saralynne-thanks for the prayers, Cinimac-thanks for the hopeful story (if this sounds silly, I misread and pictured a literal ROSE growing out of a bunch of ashes and rubble...it struck me as very poetic for the moments before I realized that I'm just a ditz!) Deena-thanks for the caps there (NO CONTACT). I'll be showing my lowered head on that thread right after counceling today.

Thanks, again. I don't know that I feel better, but that will just take time. I do think that I starting to understand where it comes from amnd be able to accept that as much as I don't like it, and I'm glad for all of the well wishes. The funny thing is I completely cried and lost it last night, but remained objective, didn't use that pain to try to manipulate anything, I feel like I really did what I needed to while I'm getting better. And you know, it is easier, and I DO feel healthier.

Of course it sucks still, but it's a start. I feel like I really am moving foreward.

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