Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I am rehearshing the break-up.
June 8, 2006
10:10 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am writing letters and rehearshing how and when I will end this realtionship. I know that it coming and I just can't seem get the courage to make it happen.

I get messages on a daily basis that it needs to be done. I really don't want this to become petty and get angry. I get my feelings hurt on a daily basis and tell myself, "ok, this is it", or "I am just not willing to tolerate this kind of treatment". I get right to the edge and then do nothing.

I am such a wimp.

Cary

June 8, 2006
10:17 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cary,
I know how that is.I too am rehearsing for my divorce because I know it is inevitable and imminent.My husband and I had the same argument for the millionth time the other day about porn and cheating,and I just am too tired to fight about it anymore.He has of course made all the same promises as before to stop and will no longer upset me with the mere thought he would cheat,and that he loves me more than anything.72 hours later,he is doing it again,and has no idea I know.He has just tried to be even more discreet,but has been caught.But I digress,I know how it feels to be an "emotional chicken",and not take care of business right then and there rather than save your skin later.(((P.O'd)))

June 8, 2006
11:49 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

p.o'd,

I am so sick of being sick and tired!! I know that it needs to happen. I know that while he is not a bad person that he is selfish. I know that he is not going to ever be able to meet my needs.

I read Dear Abby and other advice columns and it all sounds so easy... "cut your losses and run", "get out now and go on with your life". Why am I paraylized with fear? I know that I was fine before and will be again. There is no shortage of attractive successful men out there. I always want the unattainable.

Cary

June 8, 2006
11:58 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

AMEN SISTER!!I am rowing that boat with you,but to my surprise,I know that happiness is not unattainable,it is the reward I am gonna collect from the rainbow that develops after the rain of my tears subsides from grieving this marriage.The illusion I am grieving that never really existed.My husband too is attractive,intelligent,and yet on the opposite end of the spectrum,is selfish and degrading.I feel invigorated by the fact that I can and will do what's right for me for a change...and so will you when your time comes.Fear of the unknown future always seems to be a crutch,but I am not gonna be "Tiny Tim" anymore...let's throw down our crutches and say "I deserve more and be happy,whether you are here or not"..I am ready for the risk.

June 8, 2006
1:05 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

p.o'd,

Ok, that would be AMEN BROTHER!! in my case. I hear what you are saying and know that in time all will be ok. I get so close and think about he adjustment of changing my routine after the break. We live in a city of about 5 million but travel in a small circle. I would have to change everything to avoid him. I just don't want to see him with someone else.

I am on this path and can't control it any longer. I say things now that a few weeks ago I would have just kept inside. It is like there is no turning back and I am forcing the issue. It would be easier for both of us if I would just say ENOUGH and move on. I know that I cannot be friends and that I do not want to hang out after the break-up.

How long have you been married? How did you find out about the cheating?

Cary

June 8, 2006
1:49 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cary,
Sorry hun!I didn't realize you were a man.But I digress...
I have been married for 11 years,and with him for 15.He was an unfaithful BF,and then I married him(like a dummy),believing all the promises that he would change,and that he wasn't a little teenage boy letting the wrong head do all his thinking.
I too will have to change my patterns socially and such to avoid him,and we have 2 kids,but I will get past eventually.I have entertained the thoughts of running away and moving out of state to my home state,but I have a mother who has me on a short emotional leash who guilts me out of it every time.I know that I need.My mother,my soon-to be ex,everyone will eventtually understand that I am being selfish for my own good,if that makes any sense.I don't want to see my husband dating anyone else either,but I am finally willing to say,"better her new problem,than my old one."

June 8, 2006
3:21 pm
Avatar
tiedupinknots
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Selfish for your own good is good! I am running away. Next week I go with my two kids and nobody I know will have contact with me except through email so I can pick and chose when and if I respond to their guilt trips.

Enough is enough. I have a right to avoid painful, degrading situations. I will not stand the lies, cheating, drinking and drugging any longer. I am worth so much more than that.

I look forward to my new life and my new beginning. I shut no doors as I know I just woke up out of my addictions so maybe he will wake up one day out of his. I plan to never see him or speak to him again as long as he has contact with the OW, and is actively using.

My children have also agreed to try no contact as they do not want a drunk angry emotionally abusive Father anymore either. He will only change if his pain and suffering become larger than the fun he is perceiving he is having. Not sure if it will happen for him in this life but my life will go on nicely with or without him and so will yours.

If you have tried everything then it is time to let go. Best of luck with your rehearsing. 🙂

June 9, 2006
6:52 am
Avatar
Katar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is so hard. Today I finally felt really angry for the first time. After intimate contact with other women that he never called "sex" because there was no intercourse year after year, I think I am done.

We are best friends, yet when I really look deep into the relationship, how great can it be if there is no trust. It is so sad. But we are in a better place than ever to split. We will live on different continents when he leaves the country we live in and returns to the US. Our assets are easier to split than ever and our friends won't be a problem because we will be half a world apart.

But it is so tough after 25 years of what I thought was my best friend. He has wrecked my professional life by getting involved through a porn website with one of my employees who told the world.

He wants it all to work out, but I think I deserve so much better. It is very scary. But I think it is time.

We will fly to the US next week for counseling in LA together. I will withhold long term decisions until then, but I think it is time.

Katar

June 9, 2006
11:05 am
Avatar
sleepless in uk
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I too am practising and trying to work out how to get out...Cary you are right...the advice columns do make it sound easy but when you have invested half your life (or even when you havent) or have tangled financial committments or children or any one of a million things it is far from easy...

and I am so scared

June 9, 2006
11:10 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ALL,

This morning over coffee I attempted 3 times to make a point and 3 times he changed the subject and never came back to it (he says that it is ADD and I think that it is convienent excuse for being selfish). I asked what it was all about and if he realized he had just ignored me, he got angry and said that he could never do anything right and ended the exchange.

The thing is, I am on some kind of path now and even when I don't want to say something it comes out anyway. It is like something inside of me just pushes me forward.

I am scared and don't want to make a mistake but I don't like myself in this realtionship.

What do I do?

Cary

June 9, 2006
12:04 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The something inside you pushing you forward is your conscience.You know that anyhting you are trying to express could be a valid thought or argument for your point,and you let his dime store psychotherapy diagnose you into complacency.I have the same problem.People seem like lately they are so ready to self diagnose themselves with ADD,or sex addiction,or other numerous "ailments" as a way to excuse the behavior that they think they would not indulge in otherwise.Don't let him make you believe in his own diagnosis.I have had a long time to come to realization in my case that waiting to see if he gets better is only worse on me,and that leaving the relationship with a clean conscience a long time ago would have been best for me.As it is not my job to save my husband,it is not yours to save your significant other from his fate.And just as he cannot diagnose himself,DO NOT let him diagnose you.I am frequently labeled a "booksmart" know-it-all,but he is the "street smart" guy,and that he knows more about life because he's lived rather than I,who has just "read" about it.It's crap...plain and simple.Easy fix for you not liking yourself in this relationship,leave the relationship,work on yourself,get yourself back to when or where you were happy,and then find someone who is willing to "share" your life and choices,rather than consume them.

June 9, 2006
1:09 pm
Avatar
shyshy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Caraway: I'm in pretty much the same boat myself and have no idea how to end it or what to even say. I know that it needs to end but I'm scared to death. I have no one else and while I'm not afraid to be alone anymore, I am afraid to not have anyone to turn to should I need to. I have no family and very little friends.

Anyway, if you figure it out let me know.

June 9, 2006
3:14 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

p.o'd,

I needed to hear that today! Thank you for putting this out there so clearly and directly. You are 100% on target here.

I have not heard anything from him all day and my mind has been racing. I know what needs to happen. I have rehearsed what I will say when he calls but I know that despite my good intentions I could chicken out.

I really apreciate everyone helping me make some sense of it.

Cary

June 9, 2006
3:26 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so glad I have been able to help you Cary,but I only wish I was better at helping myself!!..LOL...I am making slow but sure progress though,because I have a friend coming to pick up my kids for a sleepover,and then I will be able to readily confront my husband head on,and not have my children witness or overhear the aftermath,which hopefully will be him leaving for good.In your case,don't chicken out,be strong,and be comfortable with the knowledge that once your decision to leave the relationship has been made,there is just no turning back.As hard as it may be,try not to be empathetic or argumentative about the typical questions..I.E.-"Why?" or "What's wrong with you all of the sudden?"...Most of the time,we all in a way rehearse for the worse even when we're happy,and it is never an "all of a sudden" decision to wake up one day and say,"I think I'm gonna get divorced/seperated/break up today".I leave with this tidbit of advice I got from a song once........the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

June 9, 2006
3:26 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am so glad I have been able to help you Cary,but I only wish I was better at helping myself!!..LOL...I am making slow but sure progress though,because I have a friend coming to pick up my kids for a sleepover,and then I will be able to readily confront my husband head on,and not have my children witness or overhear the aftermath,which hopefully will be him leaving for good.In your case,don't chicken out,be strong,and be comfortable with the knowledge that once your decision to leave the relationship has been made,there is just no turning back.As hard as it may be,try not to be empathetic or argumentative about the typical questions..I.E.-"Why?" or "What's wrong with you all of the sudden?"...Most of the time,we all in a way rehearse for the worse even when we're happy,and it is never an "all of a sudden" decision to wake up one day and say,"I think I'm gonna get divorced/seperated/break up today".I leave with this tidbit of advice I got from a song once........the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

June 9, 2006
3:27 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sorry....button got stuck!!!

June 9, 2006
3:32 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

p.o'd,

I will be thinking of you this weekend and hope that things go well. Please be safe.

Cary

June 9, 2006
3:34 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I will Cary,and you have a nice weekend as well!!Hopefully,we will be chatting again soon about how our lives are better soon!!--P.O'd

June 12, 2006
2:24 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

p.o'd,

Any news?

Cary

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
22
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714207
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer