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I am really ill and i think it may have something to do with husband
October 2, 2001
8:20 pm
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Molly
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Some time a second feels like a month, but let him go, let the courts handle it and kiss his ass good bye. you need some one like that like you need another orafix, you are a strong woman, you have gone this far, don't let a penis get in your way. Sure you thought this and that but reality has slapped you in the face, like breakfast was gonna make it all beter. Cut him loose and make him pay. I hear your pain, but make no mistake I hear your progress as strong, ain't nothing but you holding you back, and when you get things up and running, might ask you for a job. So, get out of the drama, focus on you and continue foreward, sorry haven't been here for a while, thought you were ok, gota good md, got some kids, got a house car and business, honey you have it made, now direct all that eneregy to healing, keep love in heart, and know he would do this to anyone you were there. Not your fault or problem just continue on, now knowing what a snake looks like and stay out of his way, let him gooooooooooooooooooooooooo

October 3, 2001
5:49 pm
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Ladeska
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Wow, what a flip flop - he was doing good and now he's the same old asshole. I'm surprised. Not. It's easy to say - but let it go, let him go - get disengaged with him except for necessary things asap. You'll go through your feelings - but that will end eventually.

I haven't been around because I've been dealing with some things as well. So, it's not always that people don't care. People have lives. We check in as much as we can, but sometimes there's a lull, don't take it personally.

You just need to take care of you and stop listening to his b.s. Be done with it, once and for all. He's shown his colors, now show yours.

I have to laugh at you Miss Molly - don't mince those words, okay? You crack me up. If I felt better myself - I'd be colorful, too. Just not into it right now. You go, girlfriend!

October 4, 2001
1:26 am
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Anonymous
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I thought I had things together,I don't. I need to be accountable for my life, its scary.
HE now says he didnt mean any thing that he said, he said it in the heat of the moment, my god.
This is what he said, i was a "flower past my bloom" (he's older) "we were just meant to be together to bring forth the children" "all things come to an end" "he doesnt think he loves me, really" "im too angry to love ( when confronted with his lack of affection ) "im a great mother, of that hes sure" "he is too young to waste any more time in this marriage"
"life is short and he wants to find whats out there"
O.k I dedicated my life to my children and him for the past ten years. I put up with verbal, physical and emotional abuse as well as his drinking problem. HE would party every fri night with his friends while i sat at home pregnant and with small children to care for. I would clean house, pay bills, care for kdis and manage business. HE has now been at home for almost a year without work and he says the most i can expect from him is dishes, vacuuming, watching kids. Hes exhausted from doing this. We havent slept together for several years ( occasionally pops in bed w me ) He masturbates to porn for his pleasure and says the lack of sex is due to his not wanting any more children, he doesnt like the sensation of wearing a rubber.
What have i settled for?
What has my life turned into?
I have a degree, talent and business....
I did it all because

October 4, 2001
12:33 pm
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Ladeska
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Skye...this is just horrible. I feel for you, I really do. I am in the middle right now of a situation where I was betrayed by my friend in a most nasty way and I feel pretty raped right now to be honest. So, all these feelings are very bad and I can't say there are any good answers for why? Con artists are good at what they do and we can always be fooled. They take advantage of good hearts, of compassion of our love for them and because they are so "void" themselves - they also despise us for who we are - at the same time. What's hard for us is being next to this kind of evil, it's hard to swallow to accept and we blame ourselves for being so deceived.

But, there isn't a person on the planet that can't be deceived by a good con artist. Especially, if they have an angle like us loving them. We get so blind with all that.

But, after we know, after we see - then is the time to do something about it and stop the action from continuing. Yes, it's hard, it's damned brutal, but the rubber needs to meet the road here and you have to show them your muscle and your determination to rise above their crap.

This strength - you do have and you have to muster it all up and give your own character a chance to run the olympics here. Don't dwell on how or why you were deceived - just get away from this kind of evil in your life. Cut your ties, your losses and point your head forward. If you dwell on all the negatives right now and use your energy for this - you will sink.

You know what you are looking at - so get away from it, shut him up, don't engage unless there is a reason and cut him out of your life ASAP. He's a piece of shit. Plain and simple.

This is the time that your No has to be No and that's the end of it. No more talks or waltz's - you can figure out how and why later - right now it's time for preventive and defensive action and even some offensive action if necessary. See a lawyer, get a therapist and take care of yourself and your children.

Cinch everything in real tight around you and don't trust much of anyone right now unless you're real sure they are in your camp. Document everything, every conversation, every action from him. Keep a journal. If he can screw you in some way - he will, be aware. Know your rights and gear up to stand tall and straight at him. You cross the line buddy - and I'm ready for you this time. Keep that frame of mind. He has used you. It's time for you to take control of the steering wheel and say - it stops here, Bucko. Back the hell up and stay there.

October 4, 2001
1:38 pm
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Molly
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Don't ya just hate it when you wake up and go how the hell did I get my self in this mess? boy I know I do.
Seems like a bunch of us have gotten the reality check lately. Amazing how in every walk of life, from our national security, to our marriage, and our friendships, relations with each other, and our casualness has caught up with us.
Alena called me on it this morning, I am living with a person who makes me insane, depressed, yada yada yada. The one second I am the greatest thing since sliced bread, the next week i hear, what a shrivvled wart I am. So, we regroup, we reprioritize, we do what we need to do to rise to the occasion of US. Friggin lessons. So, the three of us, dust our selves off, put on some fresh lipstick, and take care of business, right. Kick his ass to the curb, dishes, my ass. Like you need to carry dead weight with a back problem. I realized this morning and found it again, we can't let them take our sense of humor, ok????????

October 4, 2001
3:23 pm
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Ladeska
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Speaking of humor - I got one for you guys....now here's a solution for the war thing. It's easy and not expensive...

Go capture Bin Laddie. Bring him back over here. Do a sex change on him, give him monster boobs, change the plumbing out - the whole nine yards and then send him back to the Afghanistan to live as a woman under Taliban rule.

Has a nice ring of justice to it, doesn't it?

October 4, 2001
8:44 pm
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Molly
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ugh, didn't I send you that joke? Just kidding, feels so good to laugh today, I have been so deep lately, and gosh, must be the dolphins I swam with in my dream, but I just figured out the rest of the dream, and i really must take care of business. Hmmmmmmm subconcious stuff.

October 5, 2001
11:18 am
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Ladeska
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...hm,m,m....the subconscious stuff - ah yes - brain boogers I call them. Right now I think they are all parading around in hot pink pajamas with feet in them, sticking their tongues at me saying - catch me if you can!

Need some insanity right now so I can stomach reality...ugh is right.

October 5, 2001
11:23 am
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Cici
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I was reading in my book about relationship addiction how many chronic helth problems can be traced back to dysfunctional relationships - a lack of a real support system. Without an appropriate outlet for stress, your body will let you know one way or another that you are doing something it doesn't like!

My health problems were directly related in some ways to my past sexual trauma, I was molested and raped twice, and after my second rape the symptoms just exploded and got so much worse than ever before.

I'm sure you know this, but listen to your body. She needs to be nurtured! She's hurting! Listen to what she has to say!

October 5, 2001
10:02 pm
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Anonymous
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FIRST YOU DONT PUT UP WITH THE HITTING, THEN YOU THINK YOU ARE ON HIGH GROUND, THEN YOU REALISE HE'S DRINKING AND NOW AROUND, THEN THE GROUND SEEMS A LITTLE LOWER, THEN YOU REALISE THAT HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHAT LOVE OR INTIMACY IS AND THEN YOU REALISE YOU ARE BACK AT GROUND LEVEL, BUT THIS IS WHERE YOU GET OFF.......AND YOU CAN WALK INTO THE WORLD OF "NORMAL"....AND HEALTHY.......
It's so much more different than text book sh*%, you have to experience all the emotional wrenching grief of realising your Mother, or Father, or both never really gave a sh*& about you and never will. Not only that, but they will USE you to get for themselves...ok this is enough to shatter someone but if that isn't enough, you realise that the man you have been married to for years and is the father of your children may not be such a great guy after all, even if he doesnt hit you anymore and he rarely drinks any more. Does this make him such a "great guy" Then the realisation hits that you have sold yourself so far short that you may be worthless. I always thought I was worthy and I feel really loveable and strong, but if im still taking the same old garbage from the same old garbage then that makes me a Sanitation girl, a Sanitation girl who deserves to be a Lawyer, a Doctor and is a fine Mother despite the Garbage she worked with..
Am I making sense? It's such a process girls, such a process. God bless.

October 8, 2001
1:17 am
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Anonymous
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so far i have told every one to f&*K off. I am really angry and tired of every one. I feel like I have put up with so much for so long. I just want to quit being angry and be happy.
My husband played video games all day with my eldest. HE ignored me.
I made a beautiful dinner for every one and my hubby didnt even say thank you because he was pissed off at me for hanging up on his Father when they called....
I'm finally setting boundaries with them. ITs actually quite hillarious when you look at the big picture, but it hurts pretty bad too.

October 8, 2001
12:44 pm
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Ladeska
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You have a right to be angry and it's high time - people saw the boundary line. Whether or not they understand it is their problem - but you have to make them respect it - by giving them consequences if they step over it. There's the sign - read it, obey it - if you don't - Whack! That's what you get.

It's time for you to really "get" - that you you don't owe everyone the printout textbook to what's going on here. They are big boys and girls - let them figure it out. You don't have time for that b.s. anyways. You have to take care of you at this point. Time to be selfish. People that really love you - will understand.

And cleaning house sometimes means - kicking everyone out and throwing out everything in order to see what you want to bring back in and keep....what is good for you, healthy.

You've stuffed - way too long. Time to let the river run inside you - like it's supposed to. No more damning it up. You've got alot of debri in there - so realize - when it comes tumbling out - it's going to be off the wall sometimes - but why shouldn't it be? How many years have you locked everything up - giving permission for the poison to work on your body and tear it apart?

You've got some restructuring to do here - how you live life....has got to change. You have rights, you have a good brain - so it's time for you to stand up straight and let the world around you know that and claim your own life back. If they don't like it - too damned bad. Most control freaks who get away with controlling someone - don't like it when you say - No more. Oh well. Not to worry though - they will go find another victim easy enough.

October 8, 2001
12:59 pm
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Molly
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One of the key positions in my recovery was getting to that anger point. I no longer made excuses for him, or everything else. I guess I got a little selfish, and realized that what the heck, they figure I am a B*&^h, if I am doing what they want and tolorating what they want, or a B*&^h, when I do what I want. So, now I do what I want, and not much has changed, except things are slightly more my way, than, their way, and me whinning.

I got in your post that you learned what I did, so there was 1000 things wrong with the relationship, you heard that 850 things were corrected, so you bought into the game plan, then realized that the remaining 150 were the most signifigant to the relationship, and with out those 150 items, it wasn't worth it. So, do what you need to do, and make the life that you need to make on your own, the guy will get it and either get with the program, or get out. They really can't stand our success, and it is so great to be out of the drama that is created while still on the rollercoaster, that you can acomplish so very much in such a short time, the real trick is to avoid the drama, it sucks you in, and catches you off guard. You get to controll the bleeding in this wound.

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