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I am really ill and i think it may have something to do with husband
September 19, 2001
8:35 pm
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Anonymous
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I had back problems for the past few years, since I started having children.
Since Mothers day, my body has deteriorated.
I hurt all over, I can barely walk and I am just so tired.
My partner had drinking problems, then he had hitting me problems, then he straightened up and decided he could no longer work at his job because he was disrespected so he lumbered the wage earning responsibility upon my shoulders. I am also responsible for our two small children (still breastfeeding) I am too ill to do the shopping so our fridge isnt that full, I am supposed to eat natural healthy food but he rarely cooks for me. I have to drag my aching body into the kitchen so that my children eat and then im too tired to eat myself.
He keeps saying my business is not working but it is despite my health probs. He refuses to contribute as he should be i.e cleaning, playing with kids, reading them stories. My doctor said I need to have this certain cream rubbed into my back each and every day but he refuses therefore I go without. HE bitched at my this morning because I asked him to get somethings i needed from the health food store. HE rarely touches me. I can hardly lift my right arm to brush my hair but doe she help.
I guess im the ultimate victim.

September 19, 2001
9:14 pm
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Molly
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Why do you put up with this? I understand that you are sick, is there family that you can go to? is there a shelter that can help with your needs. Why be the ultimate victim, what is your gain? Sometimes the darkness comes on us so fast we can't see it comming, but you know its dark now, so muster up what ever you have left and do something about it, I so believe in the mind body connection, you won't heal under these conditions, seek help seek support.

September 20, 2001
9:29 am
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pam g fu
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You need to leave that man. In my part of the country we have special aide for women with children, you can get housing, food and medical attention for yourself and your children if you do not have the means and it sounds like you don't need to have to worry about working and just take care of yourself and your children. You need to remember, your children rely on you, your partner can take care of himself. Look up when you are in depair and God will listen with an opening ear. One day at a time.

September 20, 2001
1:36 pm
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This home is in my name, the business is mine. Why would I leave them to him?
I am not an idiot.
Also, I asked my mother for help adn this was her reply. ( I have asked her in the past many times to help me but she has turned her back on me, as she has always done ) The last time was so crucial, I was bedridden but she hung up on me and told me to go to the hospitol.
THe message she replied to was " I am asking you one last time to help, if you do not reply or do not help us, I guarantee it will be the last time i ever ask you."
Hello... well I have been quite shocked by your verbal insults to me of late...
Why?? I don,t understand, they are quite disturbing in the least...
I have been a great Mother and still am..but...... I will not accept insults to me personally..I am trying to do my best...I would love to help you...but I will only do that if I am respected by you..and accepted unconditionally...this may sound to you selfish..maybe but I have to think of my health..and also you must think of your health also likewise...
So if you would like to reply sensibly and not by attacking and insulting words...I will listen...
I have alot to lose I know..but we have to think of your children and there welfare and the positive and negative affects if I am not in their life anymore...
I am listening...your MOM
My mother is very disrespectful to me. When i brought this house she said that I did not deserve it. My kids really don't like her, she has verbally attacked them for no reason and I think she is emotionally disturbed, bi polar/narcisscistic. Her moods change like the seasons within an hour at times.

What a horrible reply to my plea for help...Everything has a price with her. I am actually legally seperated from my partner as of two months ago but he will not leave.

September 20, 2001
1:38 pm
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Anonymous
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the price that i will have to pay for her "help", will be my soul.
Why do you think i ended up hooking up with such selfish, non loving people.

September 20, 2001
1:45 pm
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She says she has been a great mother.
She threw me out when i was seventeen to live in the streets. I was attending highschool and getting outstanding grades despite the horrible homelife. I was depressed at home because she would go out every weekend with a different man and leave me to baby sit my younger siblings. when i told her how depressed I was and I needed her to show me more love, she would say "go away, i have enough of my own troubles"
My father used to hit her and then she would hit us. She is always angry with me, store clerks, siblings, you name it. She is rude, cruel and enjoys it when I am down.
She has been jealous of my high achievements and has never congratulated me or rarely even calls me or my children. Three times a year is all we hear from her and that will be with one of those tacky e mail cards to one of my kids, whose name she spells wrong.
When she does send a present to my children it is in the form of a second hand thrift store toy or a very cheap store brought toy that falls apart in the first day.
When i have spoken to her in the past about my husband being abusive, she will say its my fault, i provoke it.
(justifying her own abuse of me)
I have done a lot of personal work and counselling and I no longer think of myself completely as a victim. I have taken responsbility for most of my life but when my health started to go I was forced to depend or ask for help from those who had treated me like shit. This only allowed them to put the boot in further.

September 20, 2001
2:45 pm
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gingerleigh
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So don't go to your mother for help. You tried it, didn't work. You get get blood from a heart of stone, so stoppit.

Seek out the shelters that were recommended above. Call the cops to evict your husband if the place is in your name.

No one can help you but you. You know that. When the pain gets to be too great you will seek help from all sources until you get what you need. Mom isn't the loving source that you need right now (maybe never will be) so let that go.

September 20, 2001
2:54 pm
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Ladeska
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SO.....first item on the horizon (if it were me...) would be to kick that so-called husband of yours - to the curb. Where there's a will, there's a way to figure out how to do that. He's poison to you, plain and simple and not a husband by any stretch of the imagination. B'bye.

Your mother? Same thing. I would never contact that witch again for anything. See ya.

They could both bite me. You are in a bad situation and the less stress in your life, the better. So, for once in your life - be Pro-You. Slam the door in their faces and MEAN IT! Be done with this crap!

All this negative, hurtful stuff that you've been through, experienced and held within you all your life....is surfacing now and doing so - in a physical way. It's literally oozing out of you because - there is no more energy, no more room and it's very toxic and you have GOT TO get away from anyone who contributes to this and stay away from them.

Who gives a flying rip if they don't "understand" why? Poor babies. They are big boys and girls - go figure it out, but do it away from you.

You need to get out of "victimhood" here or it will kill you. Plain and simple fact and where will your children be then? Wake up and punt. Open up a can of whoop-ass and lay the boundary down and say - this is what I said and this is what I mean - don't freaking cross it.

This man of yours.....doesn't deserve your spit. So get what little strength you have and focus in on - removing everything in your life that is negative and poisonous. Clean house, girlfriend and clean it until it is - really clean. This won't get better until you do this. You can talk until you are blue, you can put bandaids on whatever, you can go around in circles some more, but do you really have the strength for that? And why would you do it anyways? You either want to live and be here for your children or you don't. The answer will be written - in what you do here.

September 20, 2001
9:01 pm
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Molly
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Stop the drama. its up to you. Get a personal assistant, and restraining order. Seperation, means seperat. don't let them get ya. you own a business and a home, you have lots going on, get it together, muster up what you can, or take the risk of loosing it all depression sounds like it is just around the corner, and action is the only cure.

September 20, 2001
10:33 pm
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You guys are all right. IT is hard for me to see the forest for the trees right now. THe children do not want us to break up but I am going to do what is best for me which will be best for them.
Today he was more supportive. IT is like that, up and down, I think some of you guys know what im talking about.
HE quit drinking, doesnt touch me and wont verbally abuse me any more but he does some covert stuff such as I have described earlier. I believe his anger and abuse comes out that way.
Over all, I just dont think he is good for me at all. I do believe I may be ill because my spirit has been trampled for so long.
I am a normally a very powerful person and i think my body is crying out for me to listen.
Its hard, ive been with him ten years.
HE is the father of my children. Today he actually did some work but not much. HE made me breakfast and finished the dinner I started, i suppose its bearable and ok at times but is that all i have going for my life. I deserve to be really happy, I can not say I have been all that happy in this marriage. HE has been emotionally unavailable and has pointed the finger at me most of the time stating that "how can i get close to you, you are always angry"
My mother says the same thing. I have brought into this with them which has disempowered me and made me think that I am the one who is over bearing and cruel. We took a trip down to California recently and all the way down he was an asshole, in fact he really ruined the trip. HE cant seem to handle anything...hard to describe.My mother is evil personified. She would probably spit on me if she saw me on the street with my children, a place I will never be.
Yes, I can be a drama queen but you have no idea how much I have given to others all these years. I deserve to be happy and healthy.
I will take back my life some how. I cant get him out yet, its too hard.
Some days I wish i could see the back of him but then i think "shit, im not too healthy right now..i could be really screwed"
I am going to see how it goes and let you guys know over the next month. IF I continue to feel neglected adn abused, he's out of our lives. I need to take care of my soul and my body.
Some of the things you guys have said really touched me. Thank you.

September 21, 2001
10:37 am
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Ladeska
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Skye - plan with wisdom, get your strength to a point that you can handle things better and then plow forward with determination and resolve.

I well imagine you are angry and a drama queen, that's what stuffing does to a person and you need to take ownership of that and stop allowing the incoming blows. Time for that to stop. The power for that is in - your hands. We cry victim, victim alot when in all reality - we allow it. So gather your strength about you and say NO MORE and mean it.

Big damn deal that he did a meal or two. Whoop. And so your mom and him are the evil duo against you, huh? Screw em both. You don't need any of that in your life anymore. Time to "step up" with everything you've got. Sometimes people kill someone - slowly and it's murder nonetheless. You're still breathing so start kicking.

See a lawyer, whatever you have to do to get things moving in order to protect yourself and your children. The strength of your spirit is stronger than you think. The one thing bullies, cowards and twisted people depend on is their ability to spin, confuse, depress, supress and bring down through covert tactics - the giant that has the ability to defeat them front and center. They know this - that's why they try and bring you down a little at a time. So, get on your feet girlfriend and fight for your life like the badger you are.

September 21, 2001
10:58 am
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pam g fu
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skye:

Do not let the kids make feel guilty, this man give you nothing, I mean nothing, your mother needs to stay away and keep her negative thoughts to herself, she is jealous of you and what you have accomplished and she is trying to keep you down. Girl, pick yourself up you have alot going for you, get a restraining order, get your attorney to get going the temporary orders that will protect you and your children from his harrassment. The law can be used to the fullest to protect you from him and his abuse, but you need to follow up with it. I know this is hard, I have been there done that. I was married for 16 years, and my ex made a good living, we just grew apart, but i was not happy. Happiness is is what we make of it. You have to see the forest through the trees, open your eyes, seek professional assistance if that is what you need. Don't you have any girlfriends that you can trust? Reach out and touch someone.

Good luck, keep the faith.

September 21, 2001
12:49 pm
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Cici
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Skye,

I developed a chronic illness two years ago, a digestive disease that left me unable to digest solid food because my stomach muscles don't function any more. I completely sympathize.

When I first got ill, and for about a year after, I was severely depressed. You know the drill - you're used to living your life a certain way and suddenly you have to really restrict what you eat, how much activity you can do, you're constantly exhausted, want to live a normal life.

What helped me most was that I found a support group for people with my illness. It was online because the disease is so rare that none of us lived in the same city, but it was so helpful to find those going through similar experiences, getting tips, learning about your own illness so that it becomes yours, so that you learn to control it instead of allowing it to control you.

Although my personal relationships were not as strained as yours, I am familiar with that subtle resentment. It is an issue with the spouses and loved ones of almost every chronically ill person I know. Because they can't really understand or internalize what you are going through, it creates distance. Even if they are sympathetic, they often don't know how to cope. Explaining your disease, and the symptoms, can sometimes help, especially if you print out articles from the internet for them to read.

Basically, and ironically, when you're chronically ill you must learn as much as you can about your illness, and learn to be self-sufficient to some degree. design a plan for how to deal with your down days or when you get really sick, and stick to it. Even in severe pain, you can learn to focus on completing each task instead of feeling overwhelmed.

There are also a lot of alternative therapies that really work. Part of my treatment involved counseling and biofeedback therapy, which worked great and taught me to control my body's response to certain symptoms through breathing and progressive muscle relaxation.

Learning to deal with a chronic illness is a step-by-step process similar to grieving. You grieve for your lost health, and you have to learn to cope in order to gain control of the threat of depression.

Good luck, keep posting!

September 21, 2001
12:54 pm
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pam g fu
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September 22, 2001
12:56 pm
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Anonymous
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what brilliant responses. I managed to get into a disc decompression program and the orthopoedic physiotherapist knew what my problem was right away. HE said it was a combination of a loose sacrum and disc bulging. HE gave me a belt to strap around my hips that stabilizes the sacrum area which allowed me to WALK!I AM NOW ABLE TO DO EVERYTHING THAT I NEED TO DO, SO FAR. I will then need to go for disc decompression for twenty five treatments which will take the pressure off my discs and allow them to heal. I feel like I have been touched by the hand of god, and i know i have.
I am so grateful. My pain and inflammation in my body is subsiding and I am astonished. My hubby is sleeping in right now while i am dealing with all the children, cooking breakfast and loving it!
I am going to be careful not to over do it but I could just scream!
The doctor said I can no longer breastfeed because my body does not have enough resources for itself right now let alone a baby. Therefore I told my husband that he will have to sleep with him last night so that I can get a god night sleep for the first time in six years!
Apparently I am not getting my REM sleep and havent been for years.
I usually breastfeeding five times throughout the night and have been for the past several years.
I sleep soundly for the first time in i dont know how long last night.
HE has never woken to feed any of our children and this morning he was all irritable when i went into his room to get the baby and said he wa sso sick and tired because he woke up four times last night and had to feed the baby a bottle. (oh poor baby!)
Ive been doing it for years and he's whining as if he were run over by a truck!
Thank you so much my friends. I would love to hear more about your experiences of healthy and self empowerment.
I am going to set about getting some girl friends, i need them. I need fun.My doctor actually wrote out "must have fun every day" on a prescription pad.
Cheers for now
I will write to you every day.

September 23, 2001
8:09 pm
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Anonymous
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I told the idiot im getting a lawyer this week, and i am.

September 24, 2001
10:50 am
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Ladeska
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I can't say - ATTA GIRL loud enough!! It's so refreshing to see someone actually - do something about their situation instead of sitting and spinning until they drown. Yeah, poor baby about his "miserable" night. Marriage is a "partnership". People can be sooo selfish and then justify it instantly. Amazes me...

The important thing is - you have taken action that is pro-you. Keep on that road, no matter what, do not get off of it. If you falter, get back up and plow right on through. We all get weak, but be determined to build your life the way you want it and need it. People are either with you or they aren't. No middle road. Time for all that gray area to end. I'm proud of you. (smile)

September 24, 2001
11:21 am
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pam g fu
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you go girl

September 24, 2001
12:06 pm
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Molly
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Some one actually found a great doctor, now that is a miracle. Amazing.

September 26, 2001
6:21 pm
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thanks guys, i didnt get the lawyer yet, he is doing more of his share. We wlll see how things go. I am taking good care of my health.
I am continuing to improve health wise and I am thank ful to all of you because I know what goes on mentally is what manifests physically.

September 28, 2001
2:05 pm
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STILL IMPROVING HEALTH WISE, A LITTLE HARD TO WALK FULLY BUT I AM ABLE TO DO SO MUCH MORE. HE IS REALLY CHANGING HIS TUNE NOW, HELPING AND BEING SUPPORTIVE.
I THINK A MIRACLE HIT OUR HOUSE.
AMEN

September 30, 2001
9:12 pm
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Anonymous
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GUESS WHAT, THE SELF CENTRED ASS HOLE JUST SAID HES GOING TO LEAVE ME..
THREE KIDS, INJURED BACK, HE RUNG UP MY CARDS AND MY LINE OF CREDIT (WASNT WORKING) AND THEN SAID TODAY THAT HES TIRED OF MY ABUSE, GET THAT "MY" ABUSE AND HES GETTING HIS OWN PLACE. HE SAID HE WILL PAY FOR MY MORGAGE AND CAR BILL AND THATS IT. IF I TRY TO TAKE HIM TO COURT, HE WILL TAKE OFF.
WHAT A SHOCK

September 30, 2001
10:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Why has nobody replied for nealry two weeks? Doesnt any one care?

October 1, 2001
3:06 am
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Same
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Skye,
Let him leave if he wants to. You would be better off without an abusive husband. Take care and pray in faith.

October 2, 2001
1:22 am
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gingerleigh
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Two weeks?

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