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i am ready to start talking about sexual abuse
June 7, 2006
3:37 am
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cpt1212
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i was sexually abused by my grandfather. i don't know when it started. it ended just before my 13th birthday when he had a massive stroke and became paralyzed on his left side. i thank God for that. and i feel horribly guitly because i always wished he would die. a week before i had been a bridesmaid in my aunts wedding and at the reception he tore my dress when he stepped on it when he had me in a closet. i had my first period the next day. thankfully, i don't have many memories about it, and most of the memories i do have are just before and just after any encounter. i know that it started when i was very young because one of my first memories are of laying on my back between my aunts bed and the wall with my diaper undone and my grandfather kneeling over me and my cousin standing next to us and both of them are laughing and then my aunt interrupts to tell us dinner is ready and i know something is wrong. i remember being 4 or 5 and spending the night there and it is dark and cold even though it is summer and the window is open and the white curtains are blowing and the moon is coming in and i am laying on a blanket on the floor next to my aunts bed and i have on a yellow night gown. the next thing i remember is being underneath my aunts bed on my hands and knees and i don't have on my underwear on and my nightgown is wet and i am crying hysterically and banging my head on the top of the bed because i don't know how to get out and no one is there. i remember sitting on his lap while he had an erection, we were in the kitchen and several members of the family are in the room and everyone is laughing and talking and drinking coffee. i remember him giving me a bath in their green tub in the dirty water my cousins had used for their baths just before. i remember being older and sleeping on a fold out couch in the living room outside my grandparents bedroom with my cousin sleeping next to me and watching the clock radio next to the bed tick away the time and then hearing him get up and move around behind that door and get ready for work and i remember the fucking time 4:52 am that he came out of the room and then i remember him getting off the bed patting me on the head and walking into the kitchen to get a cup of coffee. i remember that he wore old spice cologne. i remember when my parents found out when i was 5. when my mom left me with him while she and my grandmother and my older sister went to the hospital because my dad and my uncle had been in a car accident. he told me be a good girl because that is what my dad would want and to lay on my bed for a new game i remember staring at the light on the ceiling and then horrible pain and then nothing. he gave me a bath that night. and sent me to bed. all my imaginary friends died that night. and when my mom came home i was sitting in a corner on my bed and she thought i was upset because my dad had been hurt then she say i was bleeding and she dragged me by hand and she was walking so fast i could hardly keep up and she was screaming and then everybody was yelling and my dad was out there in a bathrobe with stitches and blood on his face. and while everyone was yelling my grandmother picked me up and i felt that i was not being loyal to my mom. and we didn't talk about it after that.

June 7, 2006
3:49 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((CPT)))) I'm sorry that all happened to you.

June 7, 2006
3:59 am
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cpt1212
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i feel numb right now

June 7, 2006
4:01 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm sorry honey. I think that's all you can feel after gettin all that out, don't you? What would you tell him if you could? Is he still alive?

June 7, 2006
4:02 am
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cpt1212
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yes, he is dying. he has cancer and everyone feels bad for him.

June 7, 2006
4:03 am
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mamacinnamon
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On another thought. This is what happened to Jigs. When her mom was told she told her "Oh that's no big deal, he does that when he's tired. It's ok." May I ask if it went similar to this? Didn't your mom do anything to protect you after she knew?

If I am asking to much you don't have to answer.

June 7, 2006
4:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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I don't. I'm sorry; I just don't.

June 7, 2006
4:09 am
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cpt1212
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my mom hates my grandparents they have 9 children all with very dysfunctional lives. at sometime when i was a kid she stopped going to visit them with us but my little brother and i always had to go with my dad. he would pick out our clothes and he would do my hair and my mom would tell me to be her eyes and ears and remember everyone they talked about so i could come back and tell her. and after we got home my dad would become very angry for days.

June 7, 2006
4:11 am
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mamacinnamon
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Any clue as to why your dad would be angry? Did this hapen when your dad took you over? So he knew also?

June 7, 2006
4:14 am
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cpt1212
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my dad is bipolar but did not seek treatment until after i left home. he would always be manic before a visit and about 24hrs later he would be depressed and angry and cruel. he was there the night everyone found out. and it happened to his oldest sister and when she came forward as an adult the family shunned her. my dad has a lot of family issues, so he could have been upset after visits for any number of reasons.

June 7, 2006
4:21 am
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mamacinnamon
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Yes, he could have.

I don't know what to do other than give you (((( hugs )))).

You know it was not your fault. I'll say that even tho you know it.

Is there just you and 1 brother?

June 7, 2006
4:23 am
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cpt1212
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i have an older half sister she is 8yrs older. my dad comes from a large family and i am the second oldest cousin but the only girl grandchild for many years.

June 7, 2006
4:28 am
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mamacinnamon
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So the half sister didn't go to visit them?

June 7, 2006
4:32 am
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cpt1212
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yes some but she was 8 when my parents married and she is of a mixed race and they did not like her or my mom because of that and my sister is very outspoken and so i don't think it happened to her. the next youngest girl cousin lived out of state and by the time she moved back to the state or there were any other girls he had his stroke.

June 7, 2006
4:39 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm so sad for you CPT. It just tears my heart out to see your pain. If you want to talk more go right ahead.

June 7, 2006
4:42 am
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cpt1212
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that is as much as i have ever said about it. and now i don't feel anything. you know i have never been mad at him. i think i might be mad at mom. and i used to have intense hatred for my dad. but i don't feel much for him anymore, but maybe pity. i should be mad, but i am not.

June 7, 2006
4:51 am
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mamacinnamon
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I can understand you not bein mad. I'm sure you have every right to hate him.

June 7, 2006
4:54 am
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cpt1212
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you do understand not being mad? i don't. i know i should be. but i am not. i even make excuses for him and for everyone else.

June 7, 2006
5:00 am
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mamacinnamon
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CPT:

Hubby just got home and I gotta go. He's fussin coz i'm not in bed sleepin. Oh well.

I am here for you anytime you need me.

June 7, 2006
5:03 am
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mamacinnamon
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I guess you feel some responsibility? Makin excuses for him?

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to be mad at someone for the suptid thins they did. It's also maybe a way of if you keep peace and not draw attention. Get it?

June 7, 2006
5:04 am
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cpt1212
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thanks,

i am exhausted. i am going to sleep, too.

June 7, 2006
5:06 am
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mamacinnamon
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(((((((((( BIG HUGS CPT )))))))))))

June 7, 2006
5:06 am
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free2choose
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((((((((CPT))))))))

No one deserves what you went through. Your entire family is utterly dysfunctional. You were an innocent victim. I am so very sorry that you had to face such horrible trauma and tragedy at such a young age. I am so glad for you that you are beginning to open up about all this, I know it may feel confusing or scary, but it is really a good thing and the first step in a long journey to healing!

My advice... if you want it.

Do not judge the feelings you are feeling. It is OK to feel nothing, to feel numb...believe me, intense emotion will come later! It is OK to be angry at anyone you need to be angry at, your mom, your dad, your grandfather, your cousin, you aunt, the whole damn family...God... Just let the feelings come with out judging them, or feeling like you have to justify them. They have justification already simply because they are YOUR feelings.

Seek help. Are you in therapy, counseling, a support group for survivors?? If not, please, think about utilizing any support you can obtain, it will really benefit you greatly.

Keep talking about it...don't think you ar bothering us, or your friends, or whatever. Talk about it as much as you can, as often as you need. You have held it in long enough...it is time to BREAK the Silence!!!

A great book that really helped me was "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Bass. There are many books out there. Maybe that would be something you are interested in.

And lastly...remember, this is something YOU HAVE ALREADY SURVIVED!!! The memories are NOT your reality TODAY! It may feel so at times, it may be just as intense, you may feel as if you can not continue, or handle ONE MORE SECOND...but remember, YOU HAVE ALREADY SURVIVED!!! You are BRAVE, you and COURAGEOUS, you are STRONG. Rely on the courage and stregnth that you showed at such a young age so long ago, and it will carry you through again!

Do not feel weak if you are afraid. It is OK to be afraid! But do not let your fear hold you captive any longer! You have the courage to take control of your life and your reality!

"Courage is not the absence of fear. It is feeling the fear, and doing it any way."

You are courageous! You can HEAL, survive, and THRIVE!!!

LOADS of hugs and love to you!!!

Free2Choose

Erica

June 7, 2006
5:15 am
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cpt1212
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erica,

thank you. i needed that. i have a feeling i will come back and read it many times. i am in therapy. i have a wonderful counselor i have been seeing for a yr. and a half. i have only alluded to this in counseling, have not been able to say any of this outloud. i keep meaning to bring it up but then i chicken out. i did copy and paste and email her a copy of a what a wrote before i thought better of it.

can you tell me if this is something that happened to you?

June 7, 2006
5:32 am
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free2choose
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Hey, sorry I was reading your other thread...hold on and I will reply to your above question...i just wanted you to know I am still here and getting back to you...

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