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I am proud of myself - BTDT
June 4, 2006
6:28 pm
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Beentheredonethat46
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Hi all,

I haven't been on here for a bit. Too many things going on at the same time but I *think* I have found some *closure* (gawd I hate that word) and I am actually proud of my behavior and actions/reactions in a situation.

Most of you won't remember but X's mother was diagnosed with liver cancer in March. She is truly a wonderful lady and I was horrified to get this news, particularly since she was never a drinker, addict etc. Life truly is unfair at times...yeah I know, nobody told me it was supposed to be fair or easy.

Anyway, her husband, a truly compassionate, caring and dedicated husband who ADORED his wife, passed away the 28th. It was so sad, she had to be in a nursing home because she required 24 hour care, his health was not the best. He evidently went outside their home the 27th, had a massive coronary and died. He laid there 30 hours till he was found. She had to be medicated when told the news, had a relapse - just the worst possible scenario you can think of for two people who epitomized what a loving relationship should be like.

Against the advice of a friend, I made food for the family, sent a plant, attended the visitation and services. The visitation and services was because X asked me to, PLEASE! His family has always been good to me and I did ask him if he thought my presence would bring any more tension to an already rough one. He said no, that he thought my presence would offer comfort. I felt so for X at this point, he lost his birth father at 17, this man was such a good man that he truly became his 'Dad'. So here he was losing his father for a second time.

My friends thought it would be too much for me, that I might take a giant step backward, being drawn into X again because of pity or whatever. I understand their concern but felt I should be there to honor the man and his wife who had accepted me with open arms into their family.

I went to visitation after work Thursday. Where I was hoping to offer comfort to a family hurting, instead, I was given comfort. There are six kids in X's family, each and everyone, spouses, kids, cousins immediately came to me and hugged me and asked me how I was??? One of X's nephews (about 24) comes running up to me saying how glad he was to see me, he is a sweetie. He actually took me aside and said, "You know what I think, Uncle X f**ked up!" I could have died right there. I said simply, "Yeah, he did." Then he said he wanted me to know that they all still loved me. Everyone thanked me for coming, we shared stories about the man WE had all lost. I went around saying my goodbyes and offering any comfort I could, had a pretty soaked shoulder when I left but that was ok. Then I told X I was leaving that I would be back the next day for services. He walked me out to my car with his youngest daughter's son, he about broke my heart when he came up to me, reached up and said, "Up Gramma". I asked the granson for my kiss and hug as I was getting in the car. X stood there with his head down and asked if he could have a hug. I had told him he wasn't allowed to touch me back in February, not a brush of the hand...nothing. I thought about it for a second and decided I had offered everyone else 'comforting' hugs I should be able to do it with him, so I said yes. Yes, he held on a little tight and a little long but I was ok. He said he wished we were ok. I said, I wished everything was better for all of us. He said it would be and I just shook my head and said, I can't see that.

He started to cry, I apologized for saying that then, he said no need.

I got in my car and left. I WAS OK!!! I did it, I was almost in shock that I was ok, does that make any sense??

I was actually proud of myself for going for the right reasons, to honor a life well lived. To offer comfort and support for a family grieving.

The next day I went to the service. Fortunately his mother was allowed to come for the brief final service. Her health is quickly deteriorating. They wheeled her up the ramp at the funeral home and I was standing inside the door. She has this wonderful smile and when she saw me she smiled and reached for me. She said thank you, and I said there was no need for that. That her husband was a sweet, sweet man, and it was my privilege to help honor his memory by being there. She hugged me, I kissed her forehead and they continued to get her into the building.

The minister that did the service told THEIR story, if their was anyone there that had a dry eye they couldn't have been human.

Other than that I made it through the service, the graveside service (complete with bagpipes which tears me up as bad as Taps) and made my way to all the brothers, sisters and X's mom again. I offered condolences and left from there.

I WAS OK AGAIN!!! No obsessing, no anger, no what-ifs - nothing but a feeling of a strange sense of peace.

I can't remember the last time I felt proud of myself and here it happened two days in a row!!!

Today X took me to breakfast. We talked about his folks, how he wished they could have gone together like in the movie Notebook. We talked about how they showed their love for each other - and I was still ok. I didn't jump up and say 'WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE THAT???' which I think I may have done a few months ago.

He made a reference to something he did and he didn't know WHY? I said, don't get me started. He asked what I meant. I said, I have been doing pretty good. I have come to grips with my co-dependency, that it isn't my problem (whatever he was referring to). He asked, "what, I am not your problem." I said right. He said something else I think was meant to bait me, I said again, 'Don't get me started." He said he didn't understand, I said, "I told you, I have been working hard on addressing my own issues, there are a lot things that I am (trying) letting go, but I also know that there is still a lot more and it isn't too far from the surface." I told him I have cursed him over stupid things, like him not being there to pull that hair that grows under my chin, lots of little things and big things, like all the dreams he stole from me. He started that bit about he doesn't know WHY he does some of the things he does. I told him it doesn't matter, trying to figure out the 'why' will drive you crazy, been there done that...lol

We finished eating and got up to leave. We were at Cracker Barrel and we both like looking around the gift area when we go so we were looking. There were some t-shirts with cute sayings. I loved the one for a little kid that said, "Warning - I am not in my happy place right now" hehehehe. (OH by the way, he and his two daughters have this co-dependent triangle that keeps him pulled from both sides that is just TOO scary) Anyway, he picks up this t-shirt to read it and it says 'Dad's Bank - Open 24 Hours'. All I said was, well there you go, it is an official place - except it is going broke because 'loans' are never paid on...lol Ok, maybe that was mean but it was TRUE! I was kind of impressed with X then because he just shook his head and said, "I saw that one coming the minute I unfolded the shirt." We both actually laughed.

He took me home, asked me if I wanted to do it again next Sunday. I told him I thought he had to work then. He said he did, he forgot, could we do some other meal. I told him to call me later in the week to check.

BUT I am OK! I came in the house, started my laundry and then went to the grocery store.

Lordy, anyone who makes it through this whole thing deserves an award!

Strength, joy and love to all,
Kim

June 4, 2006
6:48 pm
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sleepless in uk
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That is awesome...you rock

to be big enough to put your 'stuff' aside and do what you feel to be right.

and it must have felt so good to have all those people show you that they still care so much for you. It must make you feel wonderful

well done, you deserve to be proud of yourself

June 4, 2006
6:51 pm
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on my way
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kim,

=) =) =)!!!

omw

June 5, 2006
7:49 am
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Lovely story, BTDT. It's heartening to read of your growth and health. I'm so glad you were able to do what felt like the right thing, and feel the benefit of it.

Hugs to you, (((BTDT))). kroika

June 9, 2006
9:51 pm
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toward_freedom
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Hi Kim . . .

Your buddy t_f here! I saw your name on the thread and had to read it.

Way to go. You put your humanity above other things and offered and received comfort from people you care about and care about you . . .

But now (and you knew I was going to say this, didn't you?) please consider going back to no contact. These relationships can be addictive in the extreme. You feel good because he WANTED to be around you and YOU were setting the boundaries . . . but you know, that if he calls you later in the week and asks you for a meal, exactly what will happen.

Right?

You'll go for the meal . . . you'll feel pretty good . . . and then he will come up with some new way to reject, abuse, or destroy you.

Please consider spending some time this week with YOUR "people," not HIS, and get some support for yourself from people who care about YOU.

If I'm way off base, please take what you can use and leave the rest. I am so proud of you for what you've done so far, and I know, it's soooo hard!!

Love,
t_f

June 12, 2006
8:25 pm
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Beentheredonethat46
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t_f,

You are never way off base. Actually, I think you and my friend that lives close here must have been twins separated at birth...lol.

And I did do some of what you said this week. This week I went about trying again to take care of the home loan fiasco, there is another LONG story that still isn't complete. They turned me down after they already switched the mortgagee on my home owner's insurance and on and on. That has been driving me insane but it keeps my mind occupied even if it is a giant mess.

Tuesday his youngest daughter called me...total shock set in when I answered the phone. She wanted to invite me to her son's birthday party on the 17th. (The one that I mentioned called me Gramma at the funeral, he will be 2.) Anyway, I put her off a bit and she said she would call back but never has so it is probably just as well.

A girl I work with, who has been very supportive, made plans for us on Saturday morning to go to a local orchard and pick strawberries. I am claiming temporary insanity on that and my actions on Sunday. We got there early, I picked two flats of strawberries, 2 pounds of red raspberries, bought a peck of Alabama peaches and then came home. I haven't done that kind of thing in years! Sunday I decided to weed my tomato/pepper patch, lay down black plastic and then shovel mulch over it all so that I wouldn't have to weed so much. Then I stemmed the strawberries, packaged them and the raspberries up for the freezer and did laundry...WHAT WAS I THINKING??? And let me tell you those clothes at the bottom of the washer tub are a lot farther down there than they look!

Both she and I have decided that if we go back THEY can pick them for us and we will gladly pay the elevated price...lol.

My weekend 'adventures' have me unable to think of anything but how to move so as not to look like the invalid I feel like. Even my fingers and as* cheeks hurt! She and I went to Walmart at lunch today to get a couple things. At one point she dropped a box of crackers. We both looked at each other, I said, you know they pay people to pick those things up. We walked away...lol.

I have not contacted him again. He has not contacted me. I do believe I will get a call when his mother passes, if not him one of the siblings. And unfortunately I think it will be very soon...so very sad!

I am moving forward. Probably not as fast as I think I should but I am ok. I am ok in the evening, still some of those what-ifs and why-couldn'ts but I try to remind myself of life with him here. I CAN'T and WON'T go back to the way it was.

I am going to check out the other threads to see what you have been up to.

Thanks so very much for keeping me in your thoughts, I think of you often as well. I often do a "What would t_f think or say?" and it gives me strength and hope. Like they say, we usually know the answer just admitting it is the trick...:)

Strength, joy and love to all,
Kim

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