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I am new here
October 13, 2003
12:03 am
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needing sanity
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hi, I am sitting here on a Sunday with my drunk husband passed out on the couch behind me wondering, "how did my life go so wrong". I have completely lost who I am by trying to keep things as normal as I can for my children. I have gone as far as making the rule that no alcohol is allowed in the house. He usually honors that rule, but comes home completely inebriated or just doesn't come home at all. I am 28 years old and keep wondering, "is this all life has to offer me?" Financially, I am in a really bad situation. My husband has worked 3 jobs in the last 2 years in which the longest lasting one was 1 month. He won't watch the children, so I am not able to work and he says that he has anxiety. This is why he can't work. I am selling Avon. Just started, but it is going to be a while before this picks up enough to support myself. I can't even get public aid, because he refuses to go to the meetings. I am out of ideas on how to get myself in a situation of being self sufficient and I keep on believing his lies. he is so convincing. I am also embarrassed because, as I said before, I am 28 years old and this is my second marriage. First marriage was not an alcoholic, but he liked the women. I am left asking myself, are all men like this? My family is not around to help me out. I am completely alone with my two young children. I haven't even been able to talk to my family at all about all that has been going on. They don't even know that he is a drinker and we have been married over 2 years. If they knew, they would blame me and scold instead of support me. I have been holding all of my feelings in and just trying not to feel at all, because when I do, I am treated like crap from all sides of my family, especially my husband. I don't know what to do. Part of me doesn't even want to believe that there is anything wrong, but I was not ever exposed to anything like this before. I mean, my dad drank a lot, but NEVER behaved like this. I guess I just need to know that there is someone out there who understands.

October 13, 2003
9:02 am
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darth
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Hello needing Sanity,

It was my first time here not so long ago. Your situation is no so different then my wifes and mine. I am that alcoholic in some respects. My wife whom I love dearly and have never stopped loving is the co-dependent. She felt that she had to hold the family together and control every situation, we also have two young children.She felt lost,hopeless, very depressed,and lonely.What started to help is reading and talking about codependency and alcoholism, Co-Dependent no more is a very informative read. Al-Anon is also a great place to start for support. Support groups are very important, the fact that there are a lot of people out there in your situation that really care and are there for is is very comforting. It is important to find yourself and start a journey of your own recovery, YOU are worth it,it is important to start to like yourself.If you head toward therapy make sure this person has co-dependent substance abuse back ground, very important. We went to family counseling,keep in mind that that kind of therapist is there for one reason,to keep you together, not always the solution for two people to recover. He wanted us to stay together as I did , my wife wanted to detatch for a while to see how she really felt about me. At the time she loved me but was not in love with me. We walked on eggshells around each other for a long time.But finally both agreed that separating was the way to proceed. So we did it has saved our relationship, we honetly can both say now that we are still in love.
I am a recovering alcoholic I attend meetings on a daily basis, my life and my life around me has changed 100 fold.AA and Al-Anon have given us our own lives back.We were both very sick.But by learning about our sickness it has given us new tools and hope for ourselves independently and as a family,remember our children are suseptable to the same sickness we live.You change your life gets better, there lives get better also.So think about you first for a minute, consider al-anon.Welcome to this chat.The people in this chat room have brought great comfort and a wealth of recovery solutions to me I am greatful that they are all here for people like us.

Good luck,GOD BLESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 13, 2003
1:27 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey there NS. This is a hard row to hoe, no way around it. You have some boundaries, no alcohol in the house is a good start. As hard as this is, the only way to pull yourself out is to focus on the things that are in your control, rather than trying to control everything (which will indeed drive you mad). Your husband comes home drunk or not at all? Fine. Just work around him on the couch. Or better yet, changing the environment so that the couch and TV are someplace not so out in the open.

You are also working on developing a career of your own, which is also good. How old are your kids? When will they both be in school? Are you friends with any of the other parents? You might be able to work out some day care options with them, perhaps sharing rides to school on certain days, and keeping their little friends over on other days.

I have read the book relationship rescue by Phil McGraw, which I really enjoyed. It's about fighting for your relationship, really doing everything that you can to improve things. However, one thing that I did remark on was that there are several instances where Dr. Phil says that you should cut your losses and move on and out. They are physical abuse, drug abuse and alcohol abuse. I understand about being so young and feeling like yet another relationship is screwed up and you're stuck. I understand about the embarassment. Trust me, it's far better to cut losses and run and be a little embarassed for a little while than it is to endure what you are going through.

You mentioned your family wouldn't be supportive. Are you absolutely positive? Is there any one person in your family, perhaps a sibling or aunt or just your mom or just your dad that you can talk to? Starting out a conversation with them with something like "I am going through a really hard time right now, and I need someone to talk to. All I want is some emotional support right now, will you listen to me and promise to keep this just between us? I'm really scared and am feeling really alone right now." You'd be surprised at how presenting yourself as vulnerable and honest and not asking for anything material can set the tone for a supportive conversation.

Best wishes...

October 14, 2003
10:28 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi NS,

Have you considered going to Al-Anon? That can help you get some support. You cannot get public aid because he will not go to a meeting? Can you have a social worker come out to the house if you explain the situation. I also read somewhere, I have to think about where I read it though... you know I think it was Reader's Digest, that if you have a spouse who has a drinking or drug problem that is preventing you from working you actually qualify for something like $10,000 a year in aid. You might check that out too.

We are here though.

Z.

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