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I am "lost" in my relationship....please help!!
June 24, 2004
12:53 am
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amy jo
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I know that there must be something wrong because I have been sitting here looking at this screen for about 15 minutes wondering if I should write anything. I am fighting with myself because I was brought up to keep problems "in the family" I need advice from someone outside my family. Here goes....I have been married for 2 years (with him for 5 before that) and I can't remember the last time that I was happy. I have 4 children and I can't seem to get any satisfaction out of being a mother either. I am always too worried about them making too much noise or not doing the right thing. My husband doesn't beat me physically, but I am starting to believe that I am in an abusive relationship emotionally. I feel stupid even writing that, because I feel like I am being weak. He makes fun of my body, makes me feel like what I say and do is not important, and he won't show any affection towards me. I finally got up the nerve to tell him that I needed more out of the relationship, but he told me that he wasn't "built that way." I love him, or at least I think I do. I feel like I have lost myself in this relationship. I don't even know what a hobby is anymore. Maybe I am just whining, but I am soooo lonely. I can't sleep at night and I am afraid to eat. I have went from a size 24 to a size 14 and I am afraid that if I gain any of it back he will make fun of me more. Help....There is so much in my head that I don't know what to write. I hope someone is out there that can help. I will write more when I receive a response.

June 24, 2004
1:13 am
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Zinnie
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Have you considered finding a hobby or activity for you, and you alone? What about counseling?

This is no way to live.

June 24, 2004
1:18 am
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amy jo
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I am afraid to do anything. I wake up and do things to please averyone else. I don't have the time. My children take up my time. I wouldn't dream of asking "him" to watch the kids so I could do something for me. We live in NC and my family is in KS, so I have no support system here. Plus, my mother thinks everything here is perfect, actually, everyone does. I sometimes feel like running away from everyone....but my heart breaks just thinking about it. I know that I have a respponsibility to take care of my kids, but why is it so hard to take care of them and to find time for me. Why ????

June 24, 2004
1:21 am
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gingerleigh
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Can you even find one hour a week to do something for yourself? Just one hour isn't so much to ask.

June 24, 2004
1:24 am
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amy jo
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My children are 11, 6, 3 and 1. I have at least one with me all the time. I wouldn't know what to do anyway. I guess I should concentrate on making my relationship better with my husband. Maybe then he would be more receptive to helping me find time for myself.

June 24, 2004
7:01 am
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CAMER
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please do not let your hubby treat you the way he does. You do have choices, talk with him and tell him what you feel and tell him what you told us, if he is a man and loves you he will listen to you. Don't let him undermine you, he is partially the reason why you feel the way you do. You should sit down and talk with him and get to the bottom of why he treats you so bad.

Can you take your kids to a local park where they will be playing and you can sit back and relax and still watch them. Just get outside and enjoy the fresh air, with your kids.

I do wish you the very best in life, and you made a good start by coming here for support.

June 24, 2004
7:28 am
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Zinnie
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HI Amy Jo,

Honey, again you are making it about him. You replied: " guess I should concentrate on making my relationship better with my husband. Maybe then he would be more receptive to helping me find time for myself."

You have to concentrate on YOU - only you can make yourself happy.

So you have small children - always with you. Is the six year old in school yet? Check into your local area parks and recreation center and see if they have classes that you can take where they have a daycare for the kids. Our here have that. Or join a gym, they generally also have a daycare on site for the kids. If a gym is too expensive, what about your local Y? An hour a week is not a long time. Is there a reason why your husband cannot watch the kids for one hour while you go out for a walk? That is not an unreasonable request, they are his children too.

If he is that self centered that he cannot let you have an hour - do you have a cell phone? What about giving the eleven year old some responsibility - and letting him/her watch the kids for an hour. Pay them $5.00, and keep your cell phone handy if they need to call you.

Anything above appeal to you?

Z.

June 24, 2004
9:57 am
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amy jo
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I am glad that someone sent some advice. All of the ideas sent were great ones, but each have their own hurdles. I am not allowed a cell phone because "we do not need the extra expense" so me leaving my daughter with the boys is out of the question. He tells me that he cannot "handle" the kids and that it is his job to make the money and that it is my job to take care of the kids. He doesn't seem to realize that my job is 24/7. He gets to leave work, but I am always at work or when they are sleeping, I am on call. I stayed up all night, talking in discussion forums, trying to feel better. I am so confused and angry and resentful right now. I was wondering what I had done wrong. I work so hard at being a good mother and wife but still I feel like a failure. I don't know what to do.

June 24, 2004
11:16 am
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CAMER
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Amy jo: i am glad you found this website, since your hubby seems to keep you on a short leash, you at least can come here to vent and talk and we can help you in the best way possible. I feel awful for the pain your hubby is putting you thru...you do not deserve this.

I know this may sound crazy, but can you sit him down and talk with him rationally about how you feel??
You do deserve so much better.

June 24, 2004
11:38 am
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eve
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Do you have some female friends? Maybe when you meet other mothers in your neighbourhood, you can take turns - two of you watch the children of four families, the other two get a girl's afternoon out - or you could spend some private time whith your hubby. Not easy to work on a relationship when the kids are always there in the background or interfering.

And raising four kids is not a walk in the park. No wonder you are exhausted and being tired makes you more discouraged. Try to spend some minutes just for yourself every day. Sitting down for a nice cup of tea, listening to some music, exercising...

June 24, 2004
11:22 pm
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Zinnie
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HI Amy Jo,

Have you seriously considered marriage counseling since he does "keep you on a short leash" - sorry - but that is just not right. First of all, he helped you make those babies, it was not a feat you accomplished on your own.

Even my own son recognized this today - when I talked to him on the phone. He and his wife have twin four month olds - and they have just found out she is expecting again. He is talking about hiring a part time Nanny because he travels so much. I know not everyone has the money and means at their disposal for such luxuries, but an hour a week is NOT asking too much.

O.K., so the cell phone is an expense - what about going to a book store or library and leaving the number with your daughter? Just something to get you away for only an hour. You are right, you are on call 24/7, and for him to not help is sure to be adding to your feeling so over-whelmed.

Like you have said above, abuse is not only physical. People do need more out of a marriage - at least I do, and it sounds like you do as well. When you get married, it is supposed to be for love, and for companionship.

I like Eve's suggestion too, about getting together with other women in the neighborhood to help out with child care. I'm in a different situation than most Mothers. My children were my first husbands from his first marriage - confused yet? Anyway, we lived right around the corner from his ex-wife, specifically so we would all be involved with the children. When we moved back to Montreal, to be right around the corner from them, she went back to school to complete her degree, so I had the kids most of the time. When she was working on her Master's and my husband was traveling, there I was with five kids, one with special needs. The other Mother's from school were great, we set up times and such to have each other's kids. That way, everyone had a little time to themselves.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but know that you will find support and ideas here.

Z.

June 25, 2004
6:16 pm
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Sam7
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No offense, but your husband sounds like a whole bunch of words I'm not allowed to say here. Everyone deserves better than what you've got. Doesn't mean that you won't have to work or fight for it though. Make sure you get some time to yourself. If your husband has complaints about spending money on a sitter or classes for the kids or whatever, tell him to watch them and save the money himself. You can't be responsible for everything. And you do not sound whiny or ridiculous. You have legitimate problems that you need to talk about. That's fair. Don't feel bad about that too!

June 25, 2004
6:43 pm
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passion
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I agree with Sam7.
Your worth alot more than how your husband makes you feel.

June 25, 2004
7:00 pm
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Zinnie
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Actually Amy Jo, look at it this way, O.K. - let's just see if you "deserve" some time off?

O.K. - you have four children, you are a stay at home Mother and home-maker.

Day care for a child per week, here in Dallas is about $175.00, and since you have one in diapers, that raises it to $225.00. Now, you oldest daughter would only need after school care - so that is $125.00... so, that is: $750.00 per week - or about $3000 per month.

You keep the house clean... my neighbors have a wonderful maid that comes in once a week, for the reasonable price of $125.00 to clean a 4,000 square foot house. So, let's say you don't have the cavern they do - we will figure $75.00 - or about $300.00 per month.

There is also a service here locally for those that like home cooked meals, but don't have the time to make them. They run about $8.50 per meal. There are six in your family, but we will not count the baby or toddler for this excercise - and we will only figure for one meal a day, we will assume that everyone can eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. So... there is $34.00 per day, or $238.00 per week - coming to $952.00 per month, but let's bump that to $1000.00 - just for arguments sake.

So, you have day care: $3000, plus cleaning: $300, and meals: $1000. That comes to a grand total of $4300 per month, or $51,600.00 annually. Does your husband make that amount? Or even anywhere near it?

Seems to me, that you are contributing just as much, if not more than he is.

Z.

June 25, 2004
7:26 pm
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Sam7
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I like your style Zinnie! lol! She should present her husband with a bill and tell him that as a father, he's responsible for half and that she'll take half his salary since they are married and 'sharing'. She could have the payments deposited into her account bi-monthly...Would I love to see his face!

June 25, 2004
11:09 pm
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Udi
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Hi Amy jo,

One way of recovery is to learn more about the situation that you are in right now. Thankfully, you have access to the Internet... so at least you can easily get access to tons of articles about relationships, etc. I find it sad that your husband treats you the way he does, but I must say that in order for you to heal, you must accept the fact that you have LET him treat you the way he does. Noone can make you feel less without your permission. It looks like you really need to analyze yourself, your relationship and set some *serious boundries* with your husband. I can't stress enough that you do have choices, you are here on this earth for a purpose, use your weakness and make it your strength! You can do anything that you set your mind to!

Peace & Love

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