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I am jealous and suspicious - AGAIN!
November 10, 2006
3:02 pm
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caraway
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Well,here I am once again feeling insecure and hopeless. I just don't think that I will ever be able to enjoy being in a realtionship. I don't think like other people think.

I create plots in my own mind when there really isn't anything there. I think that I must project my feelings of insecurity and jump to the conclusion that (if he said or did something that it must mean that he isn't sure about me, ETC.)

My mind is just a terrible enemy and searches for reasons to be unhappy and push those who try and love me away. I have a constant need for them to "prove" their love to me. This usually manifest itself in something being said and my getting quite and planning my escape from this under apprecited position that I am in.

NUTS!!

Cary

November 10, 2006
3:15 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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God, can I ever relate!

November 10, 2006
3:19 pm
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truthBtold
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That's a tough one. I know what you are talking about.

It's really hard to try and distinquish what is the real matter at hand and what is something that we create in our own minds.

I don't really have an answer for you, except to say what has helped me somewhat in the past is to try and step back from my emotions and use some critical thinking skills as to the real nature of the situation. Ask questions that might help to clear up any concerns to others and more importantly - ask yourself..."what is really going on here?" to which, some event from you past will usually enlighten you.

I know about pushing away those who love you. My ex-husband really wasn't such a bad guy (I've been divorced about 10 years now) and I remember when he looked at me with absolute love gushing from his eyes....It just confused the hell out of me...like trying to believe that someone could love was just like trying to fit something square into something that was round.

Crazy is right!!!

It does get better though - in time.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help - but I still struggle with this myself - though I am getting better.

November 10, 2006
3:51 pm
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caraway
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It is like something in my wiring isn't happy unless I am unhappy.

I am in a realtionship with someone who I believe to be an honest person, yet I try and make mountains out of mole hills. I don't even like me when I am like this.

Cary

November 10, 2006
5:18 pm
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lalasgirl
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again, another issue i relate to. not so much jealousy but the suspicious mind i have is whacked. i just don't trust anymore. (don't even trust myself!!) may be we were just lied to one too many times and we are tired of being naive. viola...i'm going with that. being gullible isn't any fun anymore. i want black and white clear facts...and they are come in 256 shades of gray.

November 10, 2006
7:58 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Cary -

Projection is a defense mechanism which we use when we are afraid or insecure about something.

I would recommend you to trace the root of your fear in your journal and thru thought process so that you know the deep-rooted issue of you fear and thus projection of you friend. Also, talking to your counsellor might also be helpful.

Blessings, Ras~

November 10, 2006
8:22 pm
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truthBtold
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Cary,
Please do not take this the wrong way, I do not mean to diminish your situation at all (as addressed in my previous post) but I just have to tell you a funny story that happened to me once when I was being really paranoid about life in general, and in this particular case - my neighbor.

It seems that there are always kids' toys in my front lawn (I have no children....just a bunch of cats-) and I was really hypervigilant about this! No respect for my boundaries and all..that one day, I looked out my window and saw, what I was sure to be a football in my yard. I think I remember looking out my window for a couple of days...and each day it was STILL THERE!!!! I was livid - going on and on in my head about no respect for my boundaries!

Then after 2 or 3 days had passed, I finally went out there to pick it up....and what do you suppose it was?

It was just a big ole brown mushroom! (I have to laugh out loud just now confessing this...)

Anyway, thought I would interject a little humor!!!!

November 11, 2006
8:14 am
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nvr2late
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caraway,
I totally relate to this...if I think it is MUST be true!
stories have a life of their own in my mind..I know what someone is thinking, doing and they are doing it to me.

but, you know what...most people do not think about YOU and what they are doing to YOU...it truly is about THEM!
I believe what we strive for is 'detaching' and not making it about us...they can ONLY do things to us that we allow them to.

I am getting better at this...and working on making 'better' stories in my head, OR just letting it go right away and not thinking about it.

This is working better for me, as I took things SO personally.
my mom told me the other day...'how do you live in your MIND??? you are driving ME crazy!'

funny, I told her...'it is not easy!!! you can only imagine what I am going through listening to what I say to myself'

we need to change that thinking, it is not easy, but you can do it!
focus on yourself and not other people, and KNOW that what others do is not about you, people are too selfish to think about you all the time!

just my thoughts, and I hope that we can BOTH get to the same place.

hell...if I focused on myself as much as I do about what others think of me or what they are doing, I would be almost PERFECT!

focus that energy on you...easier said than done, I know!

nvr

November 13, 2006
2:29 pm
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caraway
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Truth, humor is always good.... damn mushrooms!

Ras, I am the champ projectionist. I ALWAYS take things to the most "logical" conclusion.

NVR, I think that you are own to something here. I have attempted the "taking care of myself" approach until I wanted to PUKE. I think that detaching and maybe trying to be more selfish is a good thing. I constantly give up what I want to do becuse I want to please him. I frequently won't express my desires for fear of rejection.

I really just need to start living for myself and let him and others in my life enhance my life. I walk around most days waiting for him to screw up and others to let me down.

Cary

November 13, 2006
3:17 pm
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truthBtold
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Cary,

Thanks for not taking my last post the wrong way.

Your last post stated to "let him and others in my life enhance my life."

I know that there is a book out there which reads: "Men are Just Dessert" though I have not read it., but I seem to remember that it is along the lines of what you prescribe to.

Has anyone else read this book?

November 13, 2006
3:37 pm
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caraway
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truth, problem is, I am man and should be able to undersatnd the species? Often I think that because my partner is outgoing, flirts, and always notices attractive people, the problem is still with me.

I should just leave the realtionship if I can't handle it and have thought to do so. I think that I will have issues no matter where I go. The thought of being alone is becoming more appealing.

Cary

November 13, 2006
3:44 pm
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Jimcy
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Hey Cary,

Have you read the book 'Breaking the Co-dependency Trap'?

November 13, 2006
3:52 pm
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truthBtold
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Cary,

Don't be so hard on yourself. I think that the crux of the book focuses more on how to get yourself to a healthy place (gender not important) before incorporating a "significant other" to the mix.

I dunno. Haven't read the book - (though I started a seperate post to find out if anyone else has read it.)

As far as ending the relationship - if you think in your gut that that might be best, trust your feelings.

It's hard to try and figure it all out......I know. I have been a loner all of my life and always feel safer when I am alone.....because I can't seem to turn the "pleaser" self around and focus it on myself.

November 13, 2006
4:13 pm
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caraway
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Jimcy, I haven't read that one. "CODEPENDENT NO MORE" didn't really speak to me like it has so many. I will give it a try.

Thanks,

Cary

November 13, 2006
4:56 pm
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Jimcy
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I highly recommend it - you have an issue by wanting to be accepted and loved by others, there are alot of useful things in there. I think you'll enjoy reading it and you'll relate to it. If you don't want to pay for it, I am sure your library also must have it. Just look through it...

November 13, 2006
4:59 pm
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caraway
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Jimcy, I will head to the book store tonight.

Thanks,

Cary

November 13, 2006
5:02 pm
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Jimcy
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It doesn't matter what sex you are, when you live with fear and are insecure, it effects everything you do - I WOULD KNOW!!!! Learning to over-come those fears and letting go of others opinions and creating healthy thoughts and feelings is a daily struggle for me, but looking back I have come a LONG way - you just have to be open minded and not be so hard on yourself.

I am re-reading the book, and I see things alot differently than when I read it the first time, Its like reading a new book. I love it - I hope you do too.

November 13, 2006
9:03 pm
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bittersweet2
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I totally relate to what you are saying. I trust no one. I am so afraid to be happy, and never am because I always feel that there is something neg behind being happy.Meaning it's like the calm before the storm something neg will come along and ruin the happiness. So I figure why disappoint myself and even let my self be happy I don't even know what it is like to be happy and trust people, because of it I really have no friendships. I am going to try to work on it, but I know what u are going through

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