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I am in prison oops I hit enter
May 24, 2006
8:39 am
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mamac
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I am in prison in my own home. He takes all that I have and throws it away.
He takes my dreams and crushes them into tiny peices. Everthing I want and need is locked away from me. I am reminded of the song broken wings...
I bout to take back my life and throw him for a loop. He wont know what hit him. I am gonna "fly away" and never turn back if he dosent allow me to express myself. I am sick of living in a shadow. He gets his dreams what about me I tell you ! What about me!!!!!!

May 24, 2006
8:45 am
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sleepless in uk
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what does he do mamac?

May 24, 2006
8:52 am
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taj64
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mamac, so glad you are going to take the bull by the horn. Dreams are great to have and even better if you follow them. It is by far long overdue for you. A man should support you in your dreams, not squash them. I hope your follow your dreams and make them come true, but only you can do that. 🙂 luv, taj

May 24, 2006
9:00 am
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mamac
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I went back to school acouple of years ago when him and I were on a break. We are not actually married I just call him my husband we have been together for so long, everyone we know just refers to us as husband and wife. Anyways, I agreed to move back in with him as long as I could finish school and get my degree. Well as soon as I moved in he had a problem with me studying in the evening, he had to watch the kids for two whole hours and it killed him. He eventually convenced me that I was not doing my "job" at home. Long story short I quit school. O had a 4.0 and I just left all my hard work behind.
I have been writing stories and songs since I was 6 years old. I told him that I thought I would love to write a book recently about my life growing up in foster care. He laughed his head off. He also said "how are you going to do that and get all your houswork done. What am I a maid? Is that all I am to him. I also told him I might like to start singing again he dosent want me to leave the house. I am constantly put down and pushed around. He is very emotionally abusive. He tells me all the time I would be nothing without him. Of course I dont beleive that! I had a man bring me down so far one time I vowed to myself I would never beleive hurtfull words again, and I dont! It just hurts because I love him and he dares to say mean things to me. I am not allowed friends, he hates it when I see my family. I just go along with him so I dont have to hear the B***sh**. He races, this is his life long dream, he can go whenever and I stand by him, I deserve the same treatment and I am just sick of it!!!!

May 24, 2006
9:06 am
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Sophie3012
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He sounds very pig-headed. You make time to do your book because it's your dreams and you always work towards your dreams with little or lots of time, does this guy think you have no time? If so tell him different. If he's so hyped up on the housework tell him to do it himself, I'm sure it will be a different story then or if you sit him down to talk ask him why he is being like he is and not supporting you? if he cannot come up with a good reason fob that guy off and move on.
Do what you want, live the life you want 2, you only have one. It's not his life.

May 24, 2006
9:11 am
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mamac
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I have sat him down. He says he dosent have to do house work it is my job. I have my own in home buisness I run also. I guess that dosent count to him. I cant get him to understand at all. He wants me to clean from the time I get up until I go to bed because that is what women are supposed to do in his eyes. In the mean time he sits on his butt after work or goes to the garage to work on his racecar.He also has the idea since he makes more money than I do he dosent have to do anything when he gets home.

May 24, 2006
9:21 am
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Regret
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MamaC,

I am sorry for what you are going through. I have silently read some of your posts and know that you are going through a great deal. I am angry at this man for what he is doing to you. But Mama, you alone can get a grip on all that is happening and keep it.

1. Begin Writing Your Book. Even if it is 3 lines a day that the busy schedule allows you, so be it- 3 lines a day. And one day, you will see your book. I wrote a book when i was in undergrad school and still had to do all my schoolwork. Patience and determination are the keys here.
2. Mama, how old is your youngest? I was always under the impression that she is not really young. Can't she stay with your sister when you go for singing classes?
3. You are nothing without him? That is probably his fears being projected on you. I am happy you reaffirmed here that you don't believe that. Neither do I.

So sorry for what you are going through.

((((((((((MamaC))))))))))))))

May 24, 2006
9:28 am
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sleepless in uk
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Mamac It sounds to me like he is threatened by your talent and ambition and wants to control you to make him feel better about himself. When he sees you can make something good happen all by yourself he gets jealous and so he has to put you back into your place by demeaning you. He probably thinks that if you move on it could well be without him so he tries to keep you stuck at the same point instead of supporting you while you grow and develop.

I dunno but it sounds to me like he puts obstacles to your achieving things because he is too damn scared..

I dont know how old your kids are but I have found recently that now mine are teenagers it is a little easier to do things for me because I dont have to ask 'him' to watch them for me (yeah like he was doing me a favour!!!they are his kids too)...anyway at one time I really felt completely at his mercy because of their ages but now I am making lots of little baby steps.

I have found it all so hard and so painful and honest to god I wish I had been stronger when i was younger and got out before my kids were old enough to understand the direspect he has shown me all through the years...I wish I had had some self respect but I didnt have much to start with and what I had he soon destroyed....

oops sorry this isnt about me!!!!

I think you gotta be true to yourself and try to stay firm in the knowledge that you deserve to have your dreams supported or at the very least not jepordised....Maybe you just have to detach emotionally and do your thing and let him live with the consequences.

I know its easier said then done specially if your kids are still young but i guess I am saying your kids should see you have respect for yourself even when nobody else does....does that make sense??

hang in there

May 24, 2006
9:31 am
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Anonymous
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mamac,

Your "husband" treats you like dirt. You have to decide if it's worth more to you to do to follow your dreams and risk taking his crap, or doing what he tells you and hope to keep him satisfied. But you'll never be able to satisfy him. He always finds something wrong about what you're doing, no matter how hard you try, doesn't he? I've seen his type before.

Seeker

May 24, 2006
9:45 am
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mamac
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sleepless, it is okay to tell your story to me, hearing somone elses similar story helps me.
seekerw, you are right on the money, nothing I do is good enough, even if I do it exacly how he wants. It is so frustrating.
It is hard for me because this is not the man he showed me he was for the first two years of our relationship. One day he just changed. We used to say we would never put each other down or cheat, he has done both. Now I just beleive everything he ever said was a lie.
Yes he is scared. I recently started to go to church again, he cant stand it. He feels I have other intentions than just wanting to be a better person. He even said "why are you going to church now, so you can leave me?"

May 24, 2006
9:48 am
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Even though I wasnt able to follow this advice myself, but I think you have go get away from this guy to improve your self-esteem. Being around him is one reason you dont want to sing too because he stiffles your life. Can you get away from him?

May 24, 2006
9:55 am
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mamac
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I know I can get away from him, it is just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other, and my feet have concrete attached at the moment, but I am chipping that away slowly.Just not fast enough for my taste..

May 24, 2006
9:55 am
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sleepless in uk
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I cant stand the way he tries to make me feel guilty every single time i do something for me....but I am starting to think maybe he makes me feel guilty because I let him...simple as that...

see if i didnt always think every single thing was my responsibility then no matter waht he did or said he COULDNT make me feel guilty...its like he just reinforces for me what I already believe about myself..

like even when I started attending a coda meeting..,I couldnt really tell him what it was or he would belittle it and me...but I told him it was a group i was going to and he did everything to try to stop me.....some of it subtle and some of it not so subtle.

I guess he is a bully and i guess deep down most bullies are inadequate .....

or are they???

sometimes I think I have learned so much but other times i think the more I learn the more I realise how little I know

Hold your dreams mamac and dont let anyone take them away from you

May 24, 2006
10:56 am
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mama, thats good, chip it away slowly, you'll get out eventually. Just keep at it.

May 24, 2006
12:33 pm
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mamac
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Yea funny thing about the people that bullied me, I grew up and ended up with one. What the world is up with that!!!!!!!

May 24, 2006
3:11 pm
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sleepless in uk
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yeah I know what you mean. Sometimes maybe thats what we attract cos thats what we know??

May 24, 2006
4:12 pm
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gofigure
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Ahhh, mama, who knew there were so many like that out there.

I had been in school for the past several years (will it ever end?) until my 11 yr old had to go in for semi-emergency surgery right before finals in December. She was wheelchair-bound for 6 weeks and because my husband couldn't be bothered to clean out his trunk enough to fit the wheelchair for her to go to school, I withdrew (fyi--I haven't gone back because we have since separated and all that goes with that-but that's another story that I'm sure I'm not through sharing ;-)) ANYWAY, the point I was trying to get to is that my husband would get mad at me for studying too--and I didn't even ask him to watch the kids. I waited until they went to bed, but he'd get mad if I didn't go to bed when he did. He would constantly ask me who I was talking to on the phone and if I was on for more than a few minutes he would get frustrated and angry. If he was watching football he wanted me to sit by him but if I brought a book to read he would get angry (because I wasn't sharing with him how sucky the seahawks were????{at the time}) I knew it was screwy but I always caved. I would take my girls to visit my mom once a year in NH, and about a month before we left he'd be a pouty irritable SOB. We would go for no more than 2 weeks because he thought that was MORE than enough time (and she even bought the tickets!!), but in my mind I thought--she's in her 80's and two weeks/year is more than enough time for her grandkids to get to know her??? If it were HIS parents...

O.K., I gotta stop. I'm sorry I allowed my bitterness to take over. Just know you are not alone. Try to follow your dreams, not his!

(((((((((((())))))))))))))))

~go

May 24, 2006
4:48 pm
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sewunique
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Mamac

I have read some of your posts; this one in partcular. I have been to that same place as you are right now.

You say you feel as a prisoner in yur own home. I am gooing to be brief here, if I may? Honey, if you feel this way right now, I am not sure you realize just how much of a reality what you say is about. I am really concerned about you and your descrption of your living situation at home.

Have you read "Codenpendent No More"? Or have you attended any Coda meeetings?

i won't take up your time listing all that I went thru, but I can see from what you are sharing, it is not pretty. Geez, I keep writing and then deleting, because I am not sure what to say.

I will share my other thoughts. He isn't pigheaded; he is CONTROLLING and this behavior of his is abusive.

I have been there; the hole I fell into took repeated validation for months, no years before I figured out that I was almost an empty shell.

Please seek out some reading material this week. "Beyond Codependency" also is good. both are written by Melody Beattie; they are recomeended by most counselors.

My favorite handbook is "The Verbally ABusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I wish I had read this one first. It describes reality of yourself and the abuser's reality. She lists several thngs to checkpoint about an abusive relationship and also this book offers more tios how to deal with and speak back with abusive language thrown at you.

She asks: "Does your partner seem irritated or angry at you several times a week? does he deny being angry when he clearly is? do your attempts to discuss feelings of pain or emotional distress leave you with the feeling that the issue has not been resolved? Do you frequently feel perplexed by his responses, as though you were each speaking a different language?" You'll find validation and understanding-it's not "all in your head". A great book.

Take care of yourseslf,

Sew

May 24, 2006
7:05 pm
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mamac:

Hi MamaC here. 🙂

My first marriage was a bunch of crap like that. Never did anything right. He told me I sang like crap. He threw my dinner to the dogs. He made me wash dishes w/ ants crawling all over the counter and on me. He did even more, worse things I won't mention. What I want to mention is he took away every bit of self-esteem I had. He even made me quit church tellin me nobody there cared but to use me. Now why was I so stupid? Fear, doubt, ?????

Get your strength together and leave. Please. I never thought I'd have been there, but I was. Do you have kids? I thought I was hiding things from my kids... they knew a whole lo more than I thought. ust a thought to throw out a thougt to throw out there.

I wish you the best getting on your own feet. It's an uphill battle but you can make it.

May 24, 2006
7:09 pm
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hey Mama today i emailed a music teacher to ask if he knew of any piano lessons. Just letting you know so you could also get some motivation. I hope i follow through!

May 24, 2006
7:33 pm
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Mamac,
keep chipping and then start walking. no house should require more than about an hour total a day to maintain. but this isn't about housework, its about control. who is going to be in control of your life? him or you?

and back to housework. you can't organize clutter. you have to get rid of it. how can you tell what the clutter is? the FLYlady says, "does it make you smile?" does he make you smile? it may take awhile, but you deserve to be surrounded by things and people that make you smile.

your house is a prison, but you are the one holding the key. when you are ready, open the door and FLY.

bonni

May 24, 2006
8:16 pm
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MamaC, Before you chip away too much of that concrete off your feet, first, use it to KICK his ever lov'n hyde to the CURB!! THEN, put on your walk'n boots, and get stepp'n!

The longer you allow this to go on, the more self respect, dignity and self esteem you will lose. And you don't want your children to grow up to think that this type of behavior is "normal" or acceptable. Because it is NOT! This is TOXIC and very unhealthy!

Just bite the bullet, and do this now. Because if you wait, you will never be ready. There won't ever seem to be a "good" time to do it.

Sorry if I'm a little over passionate about this, but I've been there, done that, and I'll NEVER be sorry for the decision I made to leave!

(((HUGS & LOVE)))

Jennifer

May 25, 2006
7:55 am
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Sophie3012
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Get him out of there.

My mother she worked as a healthcare worker on nightshifts because I was little but when she got back she did housework and was there when I woke so I never knew she was gone. her hours she did the lot.
My dad also worked but he tidied up, obviously not all the time but not as pig-headed as your hubby sounds, honey! My point is that sometimes you have to learn how to manage the things that you want to do and the things that need to be done, maybe you should point that out to your husband.
Honey you were not made to be at his beck and call 24/7, it's time you had your own life, I suggest you have some space away from him to collect your thoughts about what is next, is there anywhere you can go such as a friends? I do not advise it though you do what you feel you can handle at this moment in time, ok.
I am only 18 and you bet I have so much to learn my head is splitting into pieces but I know a waster when I hear about one. I don't know the bloke personally but all we are going off is all you have said, best of hope to you, sweething.

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