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I am in desperate need of support!
June 21, 2006
1:45 pm
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Want2B
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Hi all.
Two weeks ago I just found out my husband of 3 1/2 years is an addict...I think only to drugs, but possibly alcohol...I don't really know.

All I know is that I got completely overwhelmed when I found out he had cleaned out our bank accounts, had been lying about money for the last 6 months at least, had signed up for singles websites, had looked up ex-girlfriends, and had a drug habit. I pretty much found out all of this within a 3 day period.

Needless to say, I felt like I was living someone elses life, my husband started getting more and more hostile by the minute, he wouldn't talk about his drug use, and he started blaming ME for everything.

I started to shut down emotionally and luckily left the house and decided to stay with friends for a while. I haven't gone back.

I just found out how my co-dependency has contributed to the downfall of our relationship (and intimacy issues) and I cannot see how I can ever trust my husband again.

Just yesterday I caught him lying about wanting to take me on a date, but then having to cancel for some reason...only to find out that he wanted to take another woman!!!

He isn't even admitting that he has an addiction problem...he just says that he has quit completely and that I should come home and not talk to anyone.

I know enough to know that I am not strong enough to go home. I can't handle his lies. I can't handle the way he tries to sweet talk me.

This is all so new to me...addiction...co-dependency....I'm so weak.

I just need to know how to stay strong. Is there something I can request from my therapist? I see her tomorrow.

My husband and I are supposed to go to couples therapy tomorrow, too. I don't know how to face him knowing what I know.

Help!

June 21, 2006
1:49 pm
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CAMER
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((WELCOME)) and therapy will be good for you (and for him too, as long as he is "willing" to go).

During your 3 1/2 years of marriage has he ever indicated drug use???

Just keep taking care of you, being codependent means taking care more of your needs instead of worrying of others.

I am not sure if you still want to continue your marriage, it may take to to re trust your hubby again.

Take things slow, and talk with your therapist, & know you are not alone.

((((camer)))))

June 21, 2006
2:23 pm
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Want2B
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He indicated that he used occasionally when he went out with friends...which was not very often.

But, he always burned inscence in the house and lately had started burning it more and more. I thought that was strange, but I have never ever used or been around people who have used, so I didn't know any better...and I didn't mention it to anyone either.

Right now I can't see how we will ever get back together. I know that if he cannot admit his addiction(s) then I cannot handle being the wife of an addict.

I'm just having such a rough time dealing with viewing myself as a failure. This is my first marriage and I always thought I would only marry once and it would last a life time.

June 21, 2006
2:34 pm
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CAMER
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((Want2)) you have to realize that he did this behind your back, and didn't tell you about the real him...it is not your fault and you are not a failure!!! he is the one decieving both your marriage and the relationship you have.

He needs to admit his addiction on his own, and seek out help on his own too. He has to want this.

We can force, pry, beg, plead etc for someone to get help and admit they
have an addicition, but its up to them to admit this and also get the necessary help for this.

Your hubby can be in denial with this, and can find someone who may want to put up with his addictions...so for now, stand strong, this is probably a shock to you & know that you did your best for the marriage, he is the one who lied.

Know you are not alone & this website is great for support and feedback from others who may have had similiar experiences and/or know the right thing to do.

(((camer)))

June 21, 2006
2:52 pm
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jastypes
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Oh dear. I was married for 10 years before I found out about my husband's drug addiction. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. If I had to do it over again, here are the steps I would have taken immediately. Find an Al-Anon or CoDa or Celebrate Recovery (my personal fave) group to join. Get phone numbers of people who have been in a similar situation. There's more than you can believe. Working on your co-dependency issues, including enabling behaviors, will help YOU whether or not your husband admits his addiction and gets help for it. Your counselor and Al-Anon support can help you set proper boundaries, i.e. no drugs or alcohol in the house; protecting yourself if you continue to have sex with him and even suspect he is having sex with someone else. Having these supports in place will also help you to sort through your feelings as they come up.

I really feel for you. I wouldn't live those years over again for a million dollars.

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