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I am feeling so low today, any advice?
August 1, 2005
3:39 pm
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stwhirlwind
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I've only written here a few times but i read the blogs daily, and listening to everyone communicate feelings really makes me feel like i'm not the only one and i appreciate all your helpful comments and suggestions you give one another.

So here is my situation: I am in the process of break up w/ my BF of 4 years, living together. It has been over a month since he first told me he wanted to be on his own, what is difficult about this is that he is not being mean to me, we still spend time together and have fun, we had decided to stay for the rest of the year to save up some $ and decide what our next steps are...

So yesterday was very bad and this has happened a few times since we've broken up...i have too much to drink at some outing or event we go to together and the fear and anger just take over and i start crying and asking him why he's doing this, why i'm not enough, etc...so he then proceeds to get annoyed and ignores me so i take it further and start telling him mean things that he is a jerk, that he is leaving me to screw around with other women, that he is a bad, bad, bad person(you get the picture) then he ends up getting angry at me, telling me that i need to grow up and that i am selfish because i do this in front of our friends and other people.

So we go home and i cry and tell him i'm sorry and that i hate that i do that to him that i don't want him to be mad at me or not talk to me, and he feels bad for me and tells me that i'm a good person and he does care about me...blah blah blah. He tells me that tomorrow is another day and we can forget about what happened.

so the morning comes and i feel like crap, my stomach aches so i try to make small talk with him and he is being stand offish and acting annoyed so i just tell him thank you for talking and listening last nite, give him a quick hug and i leave for work.

i am so sick now though thinking that he is going to act angry towards me now and not want anything to do with me because i've done this kind of thing to him before in front of others and i know it makes him feel stupid. i don't want him to hate me. what can i do?

August 1, 2005
3:44 pm
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theseboots
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I know what you mean about this. I am going throught the same thing. If I ever find out why I have such compulive behaviour which only hurts and humiliates me I will share it.

Keep checking there are some really nice people not as screwed up as me and you can get good advice here

August 1, 2005
3:49 pm
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theseboots
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try the thread why do I have to open my wounds. We are talking about the same thing. It will give you something to do until you get your personal responses. Good Luck.

August 1, 2005
4:05 pm
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stwhirlwind
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theseboots,

thanks for reading, i appreciate any words from you in the future.

i will check out that thread.

August 1, 2005
4:35 pm
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exoticflower
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Ladies, I must say that I don't think the feelings themselves are irrational or unfair, and if these guys are going out with you and cocktailing, these are the natural risks of it. The best way to really stop it would be to not drink with them or go on outings with them. YOu aer hurt, and I get the impression this breakup is not at all what you want. You do not have to be embarassed or ashamed of your pain, you are grieving the loss of a relationship right now. And alcohol is a depressant, and will intensify your stronger emotions, which when you are out playing couple with someone you feel doesn't want you anymore, saddness, shame, fear, and desperation are the easy ones for you to beat yourself up with in these times of hightened cocktail-emotions. I did this with my ex for the longest any time we had drinks and he would be cool as a cucumber and that would hurt me yet worse and so on...what I learned was that I couldn't do it, it was too much for ME. If he was comfortable with my pain, fine, but I didn't want to be anymore. I feel so bad for you, I know this is a lousy place to be in emotionally, but please allow yourself your feelings, they are natural right now. Pretending like nothings wrong and you are perfectly happy with this when you are obviously aching is not a fair thing to ask, or a fair thing to make you feel ashamed about later. Why put yourself in this position anyway? You don't deserve to feel like crap, or to feel obliged to pretend you don't and smile on his arm.

August 1, 2005
5:01 pm
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stwhirlwind
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exotic flower,

thank you for expressing exactly how i feel right now. i feel that we go out with friends 'put on an act' that things are fine between us, and exactly as you said he is 'fine'with this while i sit there thinking 'if he is fine with this here, why doesn't he want to work our relationship out'?

i am feeling sick to my stomach that i add fuel to the fire with this behavior as far as pushing him away even further from me. i don't want him to hate me or think that i am crazy, psycho or any of that. for the most part he has been great about letting me express my feelings, anger whatever and listening to my pain. i hate to think that he is becoming sick of me as a person. He says i need to grow up and quit feeling sorry for myself

oh i don't know, i wanna crawl into a hole or curl up into a ball and cry myself to sleep. i am so depressed right now and afraid of how he is going to act towards me when i go home tonight.

August 1, 2005
5:04 pm
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stwhirlwind
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also...

exotic flower, thank you for your kind words. i know i should try not to put myself in those situations, sometimes it's hard when i want so much to be in his presence.

August 1, 2005
5:13 pm
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exoticflower
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Maybe a part of it is that you think you are still going to change his mind and that you will stay togeather after all? If you believe that even when you both say that isn;t the case, are you sure it is a good idea to remain living togeather? It may just drag out the pain and false hope that are hurting you so baddly right now, and if he knows you feel that way, he is letting you live in false hope, egging it on, even, to act himself like it is ok. And honestly, I think that is pretty controling in a way. My ex and I went thgrough it, and as we share a child I can never really move foreward without him tehtered in some ways to me, which makes it harder to let go...right now it sounds like the two of you are sharing so much...just a guess, and you don't have to answer...are you still sharing a room? I have been where you are, and it;s a terrible way to live, by these half-truths and false hopes that you don't deserve. You deserve a complete, real relationship, not just a game to accomidate someone elses needs at that moment or this one...it is not too much to demand, or to want.

August 2, 2005
2:46 pm
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stwhirlwind
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Last nite ended up being bad. Exactly what i feared happened...

When he got home he was in a bad mood, i tried to ask him how his day was and he just lost it, yelling at me for what happened on Sunday, telling me i am embarrasing, that i am crazy, that i have no right to act that way, that he is NEVER going to hang out with me again because of the way i acted.

I tried to tell him, that i know, and i am ashamed of my behavior and that i thought everything was ok the nite before because he was there for me and told me we'd forget about it. He wasn't having it, he continued screaming and telling me to not talk, to leave him alone so finally i left the house (a first for me i never do that) and was gone for a good hour or so. When i returned i could tell he was worried about me and he said he was sorry for earlier he was just upset and didn't know how to handle the situation. We left it alone there. I didn't cry or carryon or anything like that, i just went to bed.

This morning before i left for work he comes in and says "hey i'm really sorry about last nite" and gives me a hug.

So my question is...do you people just explode and react that way when they themselves are upset? (i said in my earlier post that i really made a scene in public on Sunday) Because normally he doesn't apologize, he usually thinks that i deserve it because of how i acted. That was a first for him and i wonder if i just really have hurt his feelings so many times with the things i tell him when i'm upset.

I already know he feels guilty for what's happening~he's cried with me on a few occasions telling me he's sorry that he's doing this he just feels like he needs to be alone for now. It makes me feel sick that i am trying to manipulate him into feeling worse..am i?

August 2, 2005
3:16 pm
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SassyAlex
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This is a mess, I see why you are so upset about it, anyone would be. Don't be hard on yourself for freaking out, that is normal.

I think the only thing that will help matters is not living together any more. Saving money is not worth all of this. I couldn't imagine living with someone after a break up. I wouldn't be able to handle it for even a day.

But you have to ask yourself, are you hoping he will stay, and you guys will work it out? Is that why you are sticking around? I think you would be so much better off on your own. You will not be able to heal until he's out of your living space.

Good luck to you.

August 2, 2005
3:22 pm
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kathygy
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It does sound like you are trying to make him feel worse. He can't help the way he feels. You need to accept it and move on. Its natural to have low self esteem if you drink too much and say things you regret in front of other people. Forgive yourself and promise yoruself you'll never drink around him again. My best advice to you is to move out and stop going to social events with him. It is only keeping you hanging on and looking for signs that he really doesn't meant it when he does. Stop acting like a couple when you are not a couple any more. Its not worth saving money to stay in this little hell you have created for yourself. What's stopping from you from moving out or insisting that he move out? You're not going to start feeling any better until you separate from this man.

love,
kathy

August 3, 2005
3:22 pm
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stwhirlwind
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I'm sorry to keep on about this....but i am so sad.

all the things he said to me the night we got into it with him screaming all the terrible things at me, he said that he wasn't going to be around me anymore, that he was done with me completely, and that the things we already have planned he would do only if he "feels" like it.

I already feel like such a jerk for everything, and he did apoligize for everything the next morning, but i don't know if that meant everything he said, or just the yelling part?!? he just said "i'm sorry for everything last nite"

and i am going crazy wanting to email him to ask him if he's going to go through with our plans this weekend and next...please somebody STOP ME! i want to email him so badly...

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