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I am feeling sad. I want to forgive him for cheating but the hurt will not go away
October 26, 2006
8:57 pm
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MOEY
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I just want to move on but I do not know How.

October 27, 2006
1:36 am
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smarterone
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Whats going on.

October 27, 2006
8:14 am
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CAMER
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Moey, don't forgive him for cheating, what he did was wrong....I mean you can "forgive" him for the cheating, if you choose to make the relationship work, and truely forgive.....but, it seems as if you want to move on....take things in lil' baby steps so it is not so overwhelming......maybe find a place to go to, pack up an overnite bag and go to a friends....take small steps and know the road that you are taking will lead you to a more peaceful life.

(((keep us posted, ok Moey))))

October 27, 2006
8:46 am
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taj64
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You're simply not ready to forgive. There is no timetable for your sadness or for forgiving. It is perfectly ok to feel sad and feel hurt for awhile since this man betrayed and shattered your trust and also your faith. You will get passed it, some day. Dont let him pressure you into feeling better because that is compltely selfish to expect otherwise. Your feelings are of utmost important and just feel them and feel them hard so that they can leave. It is necessary believe it or not. You will feel better. Do it for yourself.

October 27, 2006
10:19 am
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lovetocrochet
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Listen to what others are saying here. It's only been, what, a few weeks? Couple of months? I absolutely agree, you may not be ready to forgive.

These things take a LOT of time. An emotional/spiritual wound like this is about the equivalent of being in a horrible car accident.

To give you an analogy, six months ago I turned in front of a motorcycle onto a busy highway - never saw them. I was impatient and trying to get out on the road quickly, ironically so there wouldn't *be* an accident. So it wasn't a deliberate action, but the end result was awful.

The man driving the cycle got his face all slashed up (we have no helmet law in my state), his nose broken. He had to have three plastic surgeries to fix his face.

His girlfriend got hurt worse. The impact literally knocked her shoes off. Her right leg was crushed, knee shattered, broken arm, head wound. She's had to have multiple surgeries, a rod put in her leg, she had to take courses to learn how to drive a car handicapped, she couldn't work, and they were talking about a knee replacement.

Now here's the thing: In my humble opinion, when a spouse cheats, the effect on the other spouse is the equivalent of the injuries my accident victims sustained. Except in this case, that is what was done to your heart and your spirit. You too got crushed, slashed up, shattered, and broken, and you are still bleeding. In essence you too had your shoes knocked off from the impact.

The cyclist driver was so angry at me he wanted me in jail. I apologized to him in court and told him I'm okay with him being angry with me, that I hope he can forgive me *someday*, but he had a right to his anger as long as it took to work through it. To forgive me for what I did, if he does, is HIS choice, and only when he is ready. My apology, my agreement to pay a fine and restitution (if they claim any), none of this obligates him to forgive me any sooner than he's ready.

Just as the victims of my accident have had to go through months of rehab, surgeries, and other assistance to even think about a normal life again, you are in need of the same for your broken heart. You also are under no obligation to forgive your husband unless and until you're ready... and at that I wouldn't extend that gesture unless he demonstrates some sort of amends.

Moving forward is a very slow process. I'm an incest and rape survivor and some of the things I went through occurred decades ago. But I'm still peeling away layers, and it's still a very painful process. I am not sure I will ever forgive any of my perps - they don't think they've done anything wrong as it is.

But you will need to have your times where another layer of grief and pain will come up, and you'll have to examine it, embrace it, and then slowly release it. Only do this at your own pace though, and remember there is no timeline for these things. As someone in my recovery program once said, it's a long walk into the woods, and it's a long walk out.

I'm sorry, I know I'm rambling... I just hope that I've been able to offer you something of help. It's going to be okay, just hang in there.

October 27, 2006
8:49 pm
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pleasant
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I truly think that the response you received from lovetocrochet was very profound and helpful. I'm going through the same situation and the response given has helped open my eyes and I'm beginning to look at my misery in a different light. It hurts and will hurt for quite awhile, but at least I have some ideas on how to get through this. I hope you've been enlightened or inspired as well. I understand the pain, but I haven't gotten to the point of embracing it yet. I hope that I get there soon and I hope the same for you.

October 27, 2006
9:02 pm
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taj64
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YEs it is profound analogy. However, it is perfectly ok to forgive but it would be helpful to know if this husband is willing to do all the work that is necessary to be forgiven. That remains to be seen or heard. It takes two people to be in a relationship. And it takes trust to be earned. Hurt won't go away until trust is built up again.

November 1, 2006
10:30 pm
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Cooper
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I am feeling the same way. So we aren't alone. I want to forgive him it has been over a year. I tried to work it out and sometimes I think I am at the stage where I can, but then he does something stupid, yet, he hasn't really done anything to work on this. So why am I suffering so? I left, thought maybe he would see the light, but no, he is where he wants to be and says he is happy. While here I am still working my butt off, and keep asking why did this happen. I am beginning to think I am really crazy..
But I have to admit, as time goes by things seem better. Of course, I have my ups and downs, but not as bad as it was when I still lived there with him.

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