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i am emotionally crippled
August 5, 2007
8:40 pm
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foolfoolfool
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I am an emotional cripple!

I have allowed one person to completely consume my every thought, my every action, my every decision for 4 years.

At the age of 37 i decided to actually let someone in. Previous to that i had never had a relationship of any substance. My life up until that point was a series of one night stands and infactuations, never actually had someone to call my partner.

THEN 4 years ago a woman made me light headed & happy, i let go! i let every emotion in. For the first time i was actually experiencing life, love & passion.

She made me promises... and for the past 4 years i have watched her break every one of them!

I have been trying for the past 2 years or so to show her that i wish to be respected. That i still love her & that i forgive her humaness, but if she wants to continue loving me & receiving my love she must care for my heart in a much more respectful way. Or step out of my life & allow me to find someone who DOES wish to have a respectful caring relationship.

Over the past 6 months or so i have tried to be strong & forceful & have asked her in SO many ways to just leave me alone. I have enforced NO CONTACT so many times now its become a running joke... its never lasted more than 2 weeks. Admittedly i have broken my own rule on a few occasions whilst in the depths of desperate lonliness. But the majority of the time she will find ANY excuse to contact me... always with the same story... she loves me deeply but can not be with me because she doesnt trust herself to be faithful to me & she doesnt want to make a commitment to me & risk hurting me all over again.

Yet she lives with the woman she cheated on me with ( we are lesbians) & she tells me she stays with her because she DOESNT love her & she doesnt feel that same level of respect for her (in other words she doesnt care if she hurts her).

My BIGGEST problem is i still love this woman. She has broken my heart in SO many ways. I KNOW i shouldnt BUT i DO.

I WANT to STOP loving her. I want to walk away. I want to believe that i will NEVER "fall" again.

Today is day 6 of no contact & im already having anxiety attacks. I feel strong as in i wont contact her but i dont feel strong enough to ignore her if she calls or tell her that its over for GOOD.

She has a way of making me believe that any day now she will come back to me & fullfil all of those promises...

I have had much advise on this site before & i agree with it all. I need to stick to no contact, get into some therapy, get on with my life... it will get better...

BUT what do i do with the love in my heart? With the all consuming sorrow?

Where do i find the belief within myself that there is someone else out there whom i will love with this much of my heart?

Why do i feel like SHE is the ONLY shoe that will fit?

I dont think there is any help for me. I am emotionally crippled... there is no cure.

I AM a hopeless fool.

August 5, 2007
9:08 pm
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fantas
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FFF,
I feel you. Loving people who don't love me back has been my middle name for so long. I'm doing better with it but there is still a lot to learn.

In addition to all the great advise you have received on this site, I'd add that you not try to stop loving her but that you love her from a distance. I believe that love is what it is, your heart will open up to whoever it wishes to and it's not a rational thing. So to try and deal with it from the mind can be very tiresome and frustrating.

So accept that you do love her. No judgement there. It's what it is. Can she love you like you wish her to. No!. So you must mourn this aspect of the relationship. It hurts like hell that she can't love you but doesn't change the love you feel or make you a fool for feeling it because feelings have no value until we assign some value to it. Accept that she has hurt you, lied to you, broken promises and will continue to do so if given the chance and you deserve better, and frankly she can't do better for you. I think with her it's like trying to squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Here is the thing, I actually do believe that she does love you and she is bein truthful when she says that she will hurt you again therefore she chooses to be with someone she doesn't love. Crazy as it may sound, this is an act of compassion on her part, it's the best she can do for you. It's also evidence of the kind of work she needs to do to be able to receive and give a healthy kind of love. I think that to a great extent, you loving her the way you did, has begun to cause her to consider other people's feelings. Were she healthy enough, she wouldn't use her current partner or herself like she is doing.

I do think you have a lot to be thankful for for your relationship with her, the biggest one being that because of her crazy love, your heart that was closed opened up. My hunch is was she just a normal sweet girl, you'd have let her walk right by. Your heart needed to connect with hers to open up. Now that you are healthier and know what you deserve, I think that her purpose in your life has ended. You no longer need to love through drama and she can't love in peace. The ships must cross their paths but itsn't for lack of love or connection.

Working on letting her go will open opportunities to connect with another soul who is more suited to your current needs and purpose in life. I am sure it will be a different kind of connection but it will be what you need right now. Keep workin on the no contact. Love yourself for having loved her instead of judging yourself. Mourn her leaving from a positive place if you can. See yourself as having been enriched by her presence in your life instead of having been a sucker one more time and keep posting, we are here for you!

August 5, 2007
10:37 pm
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fantas.... fantas.... I'm saving your post in a file. You've just spoken directly to me and said some things that fit my situation as well as fff's. Oh, the gender of the love object is different, but that's irrelevant.

fff, please be kind and don't judge yourself so harshly. I hope that both you and I can learn from the love we had and move forward with open hearts to love again, more completely.

yours in pain and hope,
kroika

August 5, 2007
11:22 pm
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fantas
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Kroika, Thank you. I am so glad it spoke to you 🙂

I just found this writing on Scaredinmichigan's thread that fits right in with this thread.

ScaredinMichigan
5-Aug-07

This is what I keep trying to tell myself...this is what I want my heart to believe....this is how I want to see life, WITHOUT it hurting so much....

"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime"

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (any way); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Author Unknown

August 5, 2007
11:40 pm
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fool- this woman is a manipulative, self serving, liar. To a person like that you are nothing more than a pawn in her game called life. Look at what she is doing. Dont listen to what she is saying.

Please take the remote control to your life out of her hands.

The next time she calls you with the same old story and tells you that she loves you deeply and cannot trust her self to be faithful, etc. just step up to the plate and tell her "thats your f*ing problem and giver her the dial tone.

Respect begins at home with yourself. You need to respect YOURSELF more than to allow this selfish woman to speak to you like that.

What is it about you that doesnt think you deserve something better than this?

August 5, 2007
11:54 pm
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I'm not sure what I can add that the previous posters haven't already said. But As hard as it might be, this is your chance to take control and steer your life down a different path without her. I believe that every person has a soul mate. You will find yours someday ((((Fool)))

August 6, 2007
12:57 am
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WOW! Thank you all. I knew if i came back here i would find some clarity.

Fantas, i am on the verge of taking in what you said about understanding the "reason" and accepting it was for a season... Its a much more gentle approach to letting go than through anger or feeling hurt & let down. Kroika, i hope that reached you in the same way?

Its almost like accepting the death of a loved one... but i feel a little harder because you know they are still out there, smiling their beaming smile & giving someone else those comforting arms & interested ear.

I think THAT is the hardest part...
WHY wasnt i "good" enough to want to hold & hear & smile at everyday? i wanted to hold & listen & smile at her everyday! Why wasnt THAT enough to stop her roaming eye?

But perhaps it is true. She was presented to me at a time in my life when i was about to give up on the thought of love. She absolutely swept me off my feet & stole the rug from under me... I came to believe the rest of my life was with her...the ultimate "comfort zone"!!!
THEN she showed me everything i never knew i DIDNT want.

So NOW i know what i DONT want from a relationship... was THAT the lesson she was sent to teach me? It seems SO cruel! But i guess we need to go THROUGH something in order to GET to something else.

Destinystar, i have TRIED to tell this woman that i will not be disrespected any longer. i have tried to be angry, mean, sad, vicious... one look at her & it all melts away! I feel such an incredible connection to this human being that i forgive her humaness everytime. I know her well enough to know that she does not set out to make my life a misery, believe me my retaliation cant be fun for anyone. I believe she shows signs of a borderline personality & has HUGE issues with commitment AND abondonment at the same time. I believe she loves me as much as she says she does, but has incredible difficulty dealing with her own demons and i would like to believe as fantas said that NOT coming back to me is an act of compassion. She KNOWS how incapable she is yet she TOO finds it near impossible to let go of me altogether... i think she HOPES she will find what it takes as much as i do, i think she feels she doesnt DESERVE me!

Im TIRED! Im tired of feeling hurt & angry & destroyed.

I want to find a way to be at peace with what life has thrown at me & i want to learn from this lesson.

I just want to smile again.

fff

August 11, 2007
6:09 pm
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fff...how are you doing with this now?

August 11, 2007
8:19 pm
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Hi Fantas

Just a quick reply as i am moving house this week end.

Things are GREAT!!!

I look at my ex in a brand new way & i am able to smile & hold down conversations that dont involve pain & blame or confusion.

I KNOW who i am & what i want & i have let go of the thought of another relationship with her. She CANT give me what i need from a relationship but she certainly brings a lot to the table as far as a friendship goes.

She is helping me move & clean out the house because she lived here with me for quite a while so its part her responsibility too. I am enjoying spending time with her, but im not getting "involved" or spending ALL my time going crazy about her.

I feel FREE!!!!

I will update when im settled.

Thanks for asking

FFF

August 11, 2007
11:09 pm
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Hey, FFF...

I read your whole thread and I'm glad you're feeling more clear inside. I hope you guys develop a healthy friendship -- be careful and stay alert, though, at least at first.

Take care,
NE

August 12, 2007
10:35 am
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risingfromtheashes
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fool -

I was going to post, but seems like you are in a good place.

I have had similar happen - I still love my exex - he will always have a special place in my heart...he was my longest relationship so far and he was fun and we really had a friendship above all else, which makes it that much more special.

but, like you, I came to realize, in my own time, that as much as we had love to share, he didn't have what it took to be my partner for life...he has SOME wonderful qualities, but not the total package...and he did come into my life for a reason, for a season. He left an impression on my heart. That will never go away.

But until I came to the resolve that he isn't a good match - I wasn't able to let go of that ache for him - that wanting to try again...that anger of him picking someone else to marry...the anger of him choosing a woman he fights with alot to be his partner.

That's his choice - and it shows that as good as I was - he really didn't have high standards - which all by itself proves he wasn't a good match for me...he had low standards, I had high ones...he didn't want to live up to any standards at all...and for me, that's unacceptable.

I think you are on a right path....know you may have yucky days, but they will pass....enjoy the good ones while you can - and try not to get sucked in - you sound like you are on solid ground - but I think you will still have some days that you are weaker...be careful of those days.

August 13, 2007
6:06 am
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Thanks 🙂

I am hearing what everyone is saying about staying "alert"...

I have had very fleeting moments of the old "fool", where i start to feel a little angry & sad, BUT i am much quicker at reminding myself of how ridiculous bit would be to jump into another relationship with my ex.

She is incapable of giving me what i want from a relationship & i am completely comfortable in saying my expectations are not extraordinary by any means. I just REQUIRE fidelity, honesty & consideration, & LOVE ofcourse... Nothing i would not be willing to give of myself.

And so I would rather be alone for the RIGHT reasons, than back with her for the WRONG reasons.

...and hopefully this smile on my face will attract that someone who is willing & ABLE to walk with me & share my values.

I am SO LUCKY!!!! I now know what i DONT WANT!!!! THAT shit WONT happen to ME again!!!!

FFF

August 13, 2007
10:56 pm
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FFF, I'm so glad to hear that you are doing well and have been able to accept your ex for what she is. Awesome...I am sure the smile on your face will definitely attract a person more suited to you now. Keep us posted!

August 16, 2007
7:45 am
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Dammit!!!

I slipped up big time today.

The stress of moving & trying to organise everything myself got me all wound up (that & pms)& i got a bit short & finger pointy at my ex.

I let her know how i was feeling & that was really bad because i dont want her to KNOW how im feeling. I dont want her to have that sort of power over me. If she sees im vunerable ie: lonely & missing her & incapable, she tends to swoop right in & we start the cycle all over again... I get lonely, we start talking, we get friendly, we end up making love, I get sooky & want more than casual sex, she tells me she cant give me what i want, i get angry because if she loves me as much as she says she does she'd make the effort. We fight. The NO CONTACT rule is enforced. One of us breaks within 14 days... the cycle begins again....

Im SCARED i have just started the cycle all over again. I have been SO cool calm & collected for the past week... SO very "What ever" when we spent time together. It felt GOOD. I felt in control. I felt OVER the wanting her back. And even now when i think about her saying she will come back i KNOW it would just be HARD HARD work... SOOOOOOO much water under the bridge.

Its moments like these i SEE exactly how codependent i am. I dont think its the wanting her back so much as the wanting to KNOW she WANTS to come back. I feel as though i STILL need her to validate ME as a "lovable" human being. And ALL sense tells me that SHE cant do that.

HELP!!!! I REALLY dont want to go through this cycle AGAIN. It is SO heart breaking. I always end up so drained & exhausted & striped of all self worth.

After the move is finalised on the 22nd i really have NO ties left to her. No "excuses" to talk. I REALLY enjoy having her in my life BUT at what price??? Will i EVER have the strength to not WANT her to want ME?

AARRRRGHHHH I want my mojo back!

Thank you all for your feed back. It REALLY helps.

FFF x

August 16, 2007
9:51 am
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risingfromtheashes
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fool - do you think all this time, you were just fooling yourself into thinking you were "ok" with contact and that you were in a different place with her?

or do you think you may have been trying to convince yourself that you were ok - so you could have contact?

As you noted - to have validation - or to have time with her.

In any case - you see where you are at - maybe you need to not rush into being "friendly" with her - and just trust that you feel right about her and stay away for now.

You CAN forgive someone wihtout letting them back in your life.

August 16, 2007
10:14 am
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FFF,

It looks like you proved to yourself the reason why you need to stay away from her. I actually do not think you are back in the same place you were with her, you are more aware of yourself, you know reasons for wanting to be with her, you also know that the end results of your being together. So you are definitely not where you used to be.

Although the quickest way to the top is a straight line, the easiest is the circular or zig zag one. It looks like you are on not moving but by the time you come back to the beginning of the circle you've already move up a notch. Hang in there, be strong, be true to your feelings, you are still moving up.

Like you said, when the move the done, then you will have no other reason for contact with your ex. and who knows you all could end it all on a very good note...

all the best to you!

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