Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
I am codependent - my first thread!
September 20, 2006
1:08 pm
Avatar
ShortCake
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 50
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A little background on my situation – I have spent my whole dating life being codependent. I am 29 years old and I don’t know what a REAL healthy relationship is… I have seen many healthy relationships. My mothers side of my family is very healthy and strong and my dads side is full of addiction. I was not raised around my dad, however, I have picked up on traits. I have read “Women Who Love To Much” By Robin Norwood and “Codependent No More” By - Melody Beattie. I have learned that my codependency is a life long journey.

Last June I met this guy, who was amazing. He seemed different. Things got hot and heavy fast. The excitement of the relationship became so intense and so amazing. Every moment I felt like the birds were flying around my head. I was happier then I had ever remembered. Then I mentioned commitment, I explained I was not the type of girl who slept with other people. He said he understood, but was not ready for commitment. He ensured me he was not seeing anyone else or cared to date anyone else he just did not want a committed relationship. Then within a few weeks things started going bad. He started treating me badly, disrespectfully, he was clearly self destructing everything we had going for us… on a very immature level. Then after a few more weeks of this and him ignoring my sexually I asked him what was going on… he said he only wanted to be friends. I told him I was not ready for only friendship. I told him I needed space to figure things out inside myself. He told me he would not give me my space. I then walked away and went home. He spent the next week calling me, texting me and putting out more effort then ever to keep me in his life as his “Friend”. As for why he wants this friendship, I just don’t know. I gave him so many reasons to walk from this friendship. He said I was the closest person in his life and he did not want to loose me. So we are trying the friendship thing… Its tough…. In many ways it feels unhealthy, I am trying to pay attention to myself and my codependent actions. However, I do truly care about him and our friendship.

Background on him – He was with his ex-gf for 5 years. They were planning on getting married last January, she then ran off with his best friend. His whole world was turned upside down. He tried to date another girl who left him after he gave her the commitment. During our short 2 month fling, he told me things like… I don’t want to commit to you since you will leave me once I do… or I can’t deal with the emotions that come with commitment. He has told me he treated me badly because he did not know how to tell me he could not handle a relationship. He stopped being physical with me (we were amazing in the bedroom until he started to panic and ran) he said he was not attracted to me because of the emotions that come with sex or relationships. I can't imagine what he has been through my loosing his gf and best friend... He holds a simple job, does not make much money and lives at home while he his trying to get his life back together. He looks at my great career and life as a form of competition. I think my income and lifestyle intimidate him. However, I have learned that is not my problem, I have worked hard to get where I am. I don't care about money or things like that, I just care about love, life and respect.

Here I am trying to be his friend. Last night he sent me a text asking me if I wanted to go watch him play basketball. I called him and said sure, when I called he seemed weird and said well… I don’t know where we are playing or any details I will call you later. I said, okay. When I hung up I felt disrespected. Then he sent me a text message with directions to where he was playing basketball, I was offended again. After a few minutes he calls and asks where are you at? I told him I was at home, his directions were confusing and to have fun with out me. I was not trying to be rude, but he waits till the last minute and then expects me to jump.

Where the main problem comes is… I feel he is trying to slowly control me. I feel him using this friendship as a way to get me in control. Why would he do this? I sit and hope he will see all the great things I have to offer him, while deep inside, I know this is not right. He has a long road ahead of him, he needs to grow up and start respecting me and himself. He needs to get his life together, I can not fix that or him. I just don’t understand why I sit here hoping he will change or hoping he will wake up. Why do I feel bad when I stand up to him. I felt guilty all night for not running to his side and watching that game. I know this is something small and to some silly, but the guilt is overwhelming. Every other day I feel guilty for holding my ground, or for not being more to him. I am trying to stand up to him, but overall the guilt when I do is tough. Does it easier? Does the guilt go away? At times I feel like I drowning? Why would someone really want a friendship with someone they dated? How can he shut off his feelings like a light switch? I guess those our the questions I keep thinking of everyday….

He tells me he wants the friendship because I am a fun person who is always happy. He said everyone enjoys my company and I make friends everywhere I go… He said he loves how he can take me places and people are attracted to personality. Yadda Yadda Yadda…. However, why friendship?

Thanks for reading, any advice would be great. Just writing down my feelings makes me feel better. I have been reading people’s threads and I am feeling better and I have learned things from other people’s responses. I see things in myself I am not ready to admit to the world, but maybe I will find strength in a website like this… thanks everyone.

Shortcake

September 20, 2006
1:23 pm
Avatar
risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 14
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

why friendship?

cuz that's all he can give.

and as long as he knows he has your friendship, he feels ok.

sorry for the cliche, but he wants his cake and eat it too.

he doesn't want to commit, but he doesn't want to lose you either.

so, he wants YOU committed to a friendship with him, but he doesn't want to give YOU what YOU need.

I would think that perhaps his commitment issues have nothing to do with his exes and more to do with something inside him.

we all get burned, but we learn to dust ourselves off and try again.

he has crawled in his hole and the only way he will come out is if you agree to his terms.

and if his terms don't work for you, then don't hesitate to walk away.

I spent two years with a guy who constantly tried to have things his way....it was a constant power struggle...and I did my damnest to make it work, and gave him whatever he said he needed....and when things seemed to be working well, he cheated....and then we started the cycle over again, me giving him what he needed to get past this....now HE cheated, he should have been kissing MY ass, but he didn't.....nine months later, things got good again and he pulled away and ran into the arms of another woman again.

I had enough and walked away.

I could not abide by his "terms" for our relationship.

in the end, you need to have a partner who is emotionally available to you, free to commit and willing to meet you half way on things....it doesn't sound like you have that here.

he is going to stomp his feet, cry, throw tantrums and try bargaining to keep you in his life....draw the line in the sand and stay there....you deserve better.

September 20, 2006
4:14 pm
Avatar
ShortCake
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 50
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

risingfromtheashes,

Thank you so much for your comments. I will take them to heart. Your right in so many ways. I am trying to grow strong within myself and create the boundry.

I feel like he has a power over me and the guilt I find myself feeling is wrong. No body should make us feel bad or have control over our feelings. In many ways he has no idea of the pain and emotional struggles I am dealing with when it comes to this friendship. I guess I need to find the courage to stand up for myself.

I know he has issues and can't offer more, I just wish and hopefully soon will find the strength to draw that line in the sand. Hearing what other people have been through and listening to advice from someone outside my everyday world is soothing. Thank You!

September 20, 2006
4:29 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

remember that all new relationships especially ones that start off with a lot of physical attraction, start out great, with the best intentions, and fully of promise, hope and giddiness. Unfortunately the reality and also true colors of people come out after a few weeks or month, maybe longer. I know this guy up and down. He is technically speaking stringing you along. Right now you might be the closest person he has and he enjoys that but he also DOES NOT want commitment which is causing him to string you, if you will. Don't prolong this, or think otherwise he will change. Someday he will want commitment, if and much later down the road, but you will end up hurt very badly if you keep waiting for that. real love is not about control or using guilt. In love between two people, there is not that push pull, it just is and secure feeling knowing that person knows what he/she wants. You have trust and communication. You deserve a whole lot more than this guy is offering you. And to be honest, if he were one of your friends before you became intimate or relationship and that was never in the picture, I bet anything you would think this is not ok for a friend to be doing this to a woman. Think about your girlfriends' boyfrineds that do this. You automatically say to your friend you can do better and you have a disliking of the person because of that. Im trying to be honest about it. As far as the job security again, you might not be bothered by it, I certainly am not but later down the road it could create bigger problems especially if he is already controlling now. Being a charming man who says charming things to you, is one thing but acting is another. I think you can find a nice man for you, one who won't mislead you. And I hope you find one but you won't as long as he is in the picture.

September 20, 2006
4:30 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

why no committment.....that would be a huge red flag, unless he had reasoning behind it.

You have choices, use them, and learn from past mistakes, and remember, honey, you are worth so much more than what these men have to offer.

Listen to that lil' inner voice you have, heck, that is why you are posting here!!!! remember, you are worth it!

(((camer)))

September 20, 2006
5:27 pm
Avatar
ShortCake
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 50
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Everyones comments have been great. I have a feeling this website is going to be a big part of my life. I am so grateful for everyones kindness towards my thoughts and feelings. I think I have worn out my friends and family with non-stop talk about my thoughts, my guilt, my fears and hopes for something unavailable. I have finally found a place I can share fears, feel safe and hopefully be their for others.

Codependency is a life long journey, working through it together makes life easier and opens our minds to new outlooks on life and relationships.

All of us deserve better! Maybe together we can find that inner peace we are all looking for...

Thanks!

September 24, 2006
8:45 pm
Avatar
honeyb
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ShortCake..thanks for posting this thread. I can relate to it. You know, you should point out to him that if you enter into a 'friendship', that is a committment! I don't think you are the one with the problem (you sound very together to me) - but I think he definitely has one. He obviously is insecure about himself because he is satisfied to 'settle' for a low end job, and is intimidated because you are successful. The fact that you don't say 'Oh he is the love of my life and I can't live without him' is very encouraging to me. I suspect he will have a very difficult time controling a powerhouse like you! =)
You are very wise to recognize what is going on before you get 'trapped' in the hole...thanks for the inspiration you give by 'knowing something ain't right'..honeyb

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
29
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110959
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38560
Posts: 714252
Newest Members:
charli55, SeaG1ant, shawncanwe, lianot, dagaf, duminy
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information