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i am cheating
March 14, 2001
7:32 pm
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pamfila
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i have been married for the past eight years but i have fallen out of love and i began seeing other men three years ago. My husband works out of town and although i begged him to find a job in town he refused. That was before i started cheating. He found out about the first guy and he forgave me but he thinks i stopped. I care a lot about him but i do not love him. i tell myself that i really need to divorce him because this is unfair to him but every time i bring it up he starts to cry. I have a masters degree and he makes me feel guilty saying that all i wanted was for him to support me while i finished school and now i am dumping him. The truth is, i am $30,000 in debt from school loan. That is not why i stayed married to him. i really loved him but all the time we spent away from each other drew me apart from him. the only thing we really have in common is our kids. What should i do?

March 14, 2001
8:16 pm
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gingerleigh
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Do you know why you cheat? Is it physical enjoyment? Emotional fulfillment? Excitement? Loneliness? What of your needs are not being met in your marriage? Are you bitter that he chose his work over you? Do you feel like you are rebelling against something?

If you are staying for the kids, and you make the decision to stay, please please please STOP cheating. Ask yourself those questions above, and figure out why. What needs does the cheating fill for you? For the kids' sake, you need to stop cheating because kids are so smart and they can pick up on these things, even if they aren't consciously aware of it. Later in life, it *will* affect their relationships.

I have experiences similar to yours, I would like to share with you to help you, but am not comfortable posting here. I think there is a way to exchange email addresses via the site coordinator, if you are interested.

March 14, 2001
10:13 pm
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Molly
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like she said, the kids are smart, and will figure things out. I understand what your doing, and know that it will make you crazy sooner or later. Figure out if you want to stay or not, it of course would be better for all if you could find a way to work it out, with out cheating. Try the book Relational Rescue if your in a place to work on the marriage. This stuff has a way of catching up with you, be careful.

March 15, 2001
7:59 pm
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looser
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Don't cheat. It is a no win solution. After you start there is no way that you will be able to take it back. You have to be strong and know what you really want and give him the respect he deserves. Seek a counselor. Find out what you really want in life and them reach your goals in an open and caring way.

March 15, 2001
8:15 pm
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looser
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I've have caused my wife and family so much pain due to my cheating and substance abuse. I'm not sure why I have taken this road, but I am opening up to my wife and seeking proffesional help. Don't end up where I am at. It is living hell for my whole family. It is tearing us apart and I'm not sure that I can put it all back together. My biggest mistake was not to seek help and find out why I would (and did) betray the ones closest to me. I don't know what I want and how I have reached this point. Before you make such desision as having an afair, you had better know why. Once you know why and what you really want, I'm asured that you will change your mind and do the right thing. Whether that is to reconcile with your husband or tell him that you want to move on and just do it. Only you can control your destiny.

March 17, 2001
12:10 pm
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Molly
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I still believe that once we cross our personal line of integrity, we keep crossing that line, its like a loose ball on the hill that keeps picking up speed in the wrong direction. Its as simple as being honest with your self, drugs, porno, morality, or even being a lazy person, focus and commitment and honoring the commitment is the only solution, wether it is to ourselves or others. Don't waste time beating your self up, just be different. I think that is where religion, or the concept of higher power is so supportive, it allows us to forgive our selves to begin a new page, or day.Our future is based on our past . We learn which roads lead us to where we want to go, or don't want to go. That is how we learn to avoid the pot holes. Simple as that and adultry is one hell of a pot hole.

March 18, 2001
2:20 pm
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pamfila
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You know i had never told anyone about my cheating and boy does it feel good. Even if i am doing it on an annonymous basis. Thank you all for your responses "Molly", "gingerleigh" and "looser". i will consider your suggestions but right know the only thing that keeps me going is the guy i am seeing. i know that this sounds selfish because i am a mother and my kids should be my motivation but after a long day listening to other people talk about their problems i really need someone. I know what you are thinking- Can't you have female friends? You do not necessarily have to have an affair in order to be listened to.- But it is not the same thing. Those of you that do not have in their marriage what it takes know what i am talking about. i want someone that listens to me, that casres, that takes me out to eat, and that i can rely on for a favor if i need one. i also want someone that i can feel really good with, with me in bed. I do not mean someone that fulfills me sexually because sex is not very important to me. i really just want someone there! i do not know if you can empathize with that because, again it does sound a bit selfish but that is the way that i feel. None of you suggested therapy and boy was i glad because that is not an option for me. i know most of the therapists in town and there is no one that i could trust. Besides i know all of the theories, techniques, and approaches. i would probably concentrate on their flaws instead of the therapy. Molly and Ginger, i am curious, What is it that you do for a living? I hope that your jobs include helping others, cuz you do it well. I am an LPC, but God only knows why i am counseling when my life is so screwed up. I hope that i sound half as good as both of you when i an with a client. Thanks again!

March 20, 2001
9:01 pm
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moredata
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pamfila read the one for married but feel single. i am a man and i feel like gpoing out and meet a new soul mate too but every time i look at my 2 little girls i cannot get another woman. i dont think there is any love that could be revived bet my wife and myself. i am sacrifying my personal life for my kids. i brought them to this earth and its my responsibility to bring them up best way i know. but i tell u i am very lonely. in 10 years i think i had sex less than 50 times. she is fat dumb and happy. if you still love your man get help. good luck. dont mess up your kids.

March 21, 2001
1:22 pm
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Molly
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In, my heart,thank you, I am a counselor, recently gave up my position at a clinic to make some money, since I used to sell people on living, I thought I might be able to sell houses. Am working towards doing both eventually, but need some cash in the bank. I understand the why and what your geting from this encounter, believe me I understand. But the consequence of this is the long term. Since your getting all your immediate needs fullfilled, you have abandonded those that you have commmittments to. Kids, and spouse. I know you have needs too, but in the long run, you will drift further from reality, and reality is always there. The husband may start to call you on your abandonment, the kids will start to act out, and what about the guy you are seeing, how long will lunch time interludes keep both of you happy, before you start to dream of the happier homestead that you both might be able to create? Which will soon evolve into a routine relationship, where everyone gets caught up in life, like perhaps your marriage is now. It is the same dance over and over, but now with the damage done to you, the friend, the husband, and the kids, who we are now discovering are not as resilliant as once thought to be. Most of us speak from personal experience, heed the warnings. You can't be in two places at the same time. As you are feeding off the lust of mr all ears, and mr I care, mr there for you "right now" you are killing off the man you married, finding fault with all that you chose. You are going to loose all the way around, but then again, fantasies might come true, but in that case, leave the marriage, and focus on mr new love. You are in controll, you are making the choices.I think that you can figure this out with out a counselor, and at this time and place, like I was once upon a time, you might not be able to see or hear anything that you don't want to hear. We all have our lessons, don't we? But this is a tough one once the caca hits the fan.

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