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I am at my witts end-a curse is upon me
August 6, 2007
2:16 pm
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green eyes
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September 29, 2010
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Thank you for reminding me of where we first began. I know my life was pathetic and my situation was hopeless. I always thought if I showed you how much more I was worth I could live down that period in my life! I worshiped you, was loyal, trustworthy and no matter what you asked of me I gave and gave freely. What more could I have done? You have managed to make me feel worthless. Here we are some forty years later and you feel the need to remind me how lucky I am you bestowed compassion on me. (I today would be nothing more than the trash you found some forty years ago?) Maybe you’re right or maybe your wrong…maybe you got lucky and I was sent to you to be the one person who would be there for you above everyone and everything. Maybe it was a beautiful event as oppose to trash day.

Oh don’t think for one moment I have not come to understand in hiding my shame I hurt the boys and you. That by hiding the fact you were not their father they could never truly give you the appreciation for what you did. Maybe they could have understood your disappointment. I never gave them any reasons except you were their dad and they were wrong to feel anything else. If hell exists I should go there! I should have told them you were not their father. I should have told them!

Nothing really goes away does it? The past is always there waiting like some ugly cancer under the surface waiting to grow again and again. In Monterey Park when Chris discovered the lie things really fell apart. David figured it out for himself but kept up the hoax to keep his identity. All unexplained hurts and disappointments rose up and any hopes of a normal life disappeared. How could they grow up healthy and of sound mind when their life, their identity was a lie! Draw any picture you want but when you think of the boys and their lack of appreciation, given the truth at 12 and 13 what could be expected. Then the baby was born at the same time the lie was exposed. A true child of their dad, father, step dad, ????……..she looked just like him. Jesus it’s a miracle they have done as well as they have.

Texas was just a melting pot for all these hurts to simmer. You were gone most of the entire year. It was just me, the boys and the baby. At the end you lose your job and find out you had been played by the church. We return homeless!

La Puente was just a continuation of the pain and confusion created by the lie. The boys now 14 and 15 rebelling should have been expected. They were hurt, you were hurt because of the church and I wanted to try to hold it all together. Your anger, resentment and striking out became unbearable especially towards the boys. Yes, they were acting out terribly but you were not of sound mind to deal with them. I am a shamed it wasn’t until you focused your wrath on me did I do anything to stop it.

Moving home was the only option left. I don’t know why you came here. You said to get your family back….why? Your resentment of my decision that you could not handle the boys, the baby and me has come up before. You changed the anger, the yelling, the striking out but I don’t know why. You don’t believe my decision was the right one. Why come back if we are ……………..such bad people.

August 6, 2007
3:43 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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September 24, 2010
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green eyes -

I hear your frustration in your letter - is this something you sent or something you WANT to send?

are you and your husband separated?

can you tell me more about your situation and what you are at your wits end about?

August 6, 2007
6:15 pm
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green eyes
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Yes we are still together

I was venting this morning in wake of a big fight with my husband this morning.
Our beginings are at best difficult, at worst we should not have remained married. I met my husband and I had one child and we werent sure but later found out I was carring another. It was in 1968-1969, I lived in what was rural GA. The south was very opposed to children having children, I was all of 16. My life was pretty messed up to say the least. I met my husb. within weeks of his return from Vietnam, I know (an have for sometimes he married me out of compassion for my situation). I had a great deal of shame relative to my children being born with no marriage. I was so messed up I lived in denial for years and made him and my kids live in the same.
It was not until my oldest son was 13 did he accidently find out my husband was not his father. My next to the oldest figured it out but chose to live in denial rather than loose his idenity. My reason for my denial was both shame and I wanted my children to love my husband as I did. Hind site says I was so o o o o wrong.
Well, their lack of appreciate for his taking them own as his own has created lots of resiment on both sides.
I have tried my best to be the best wife and mother I could be but I guess in the end I just messed it up.

August 6, 2007
6:35 pm
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green eyes
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This morning he like put it in my face. After almost 40 years of marriage ...I don't feel I owe him any more..I don't feel I have to be one down any more..I don't want to end my life like that. I did everything he wanted, I never refused him anything....I sware he was well compensated!
He walked on water in my eyes. He wanted me to do anything and I did it!

August 7, 2007
12:15 am
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Tiger Trainer
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September 27, 2010
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Forty years of marriage is a long time. Be that as it may, if you both feel like the other "owes" something to the other. I have to think that the relationship is not a healthy one. I lived for a long time feeling that my husband owed me. It doesn't work out.

My husband's father was not the father of his oldest child. He kept that from the other children until the day he died. The children bear that burden to this day and has had effects that have lasted 3 generations.

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