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I am also new but need some advice
July 6, 2007
8:42 am
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belletty
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Hi

I have been reading the posts for some weeks now but never quite been ready to share, but here goes....
I am recovering alcoholic who had to realsie that part of my sickness was staying in a sick marriage. For a long time I stayed because my husband told me I would lose my son if I left him. I know I have hurt him and used him throughout my drinking but its still hard to be honest and yet take all the blame.
I have dome many bad things that I am not proud of but I have tried to make amends and live as a better person. I have got 'sober' many times but then picked up as I was so unhappy in my marriage. That's my fault not his. But there has been no intimacy for 7 years, we don't share anything in commone - even our ideas for what is right for our son.
I find I can't live with constantly being told what an evil person I am, fighting to stay sober alone - I go to meetings and he goes to the pub. If I complain about no weekend life then its meetings that should stop. I am in a catch 22 situation and so very unhappy.
My husband thinks I should stay out of gratitude. He constantly reminds me of what I have done, any disagrrement - over a new iron, whats for dinner, could he miss the pub today - means an inventory of my drinking. I can't keep my mouth shut and its hell again.
I have started divorce proceedings - it has had to be from the house and its bitter. He says he doesn't want a divorce, tells my son I am destroying both their lives and that i don't love my son. Its breaking my heart.
We have lots of debt - neither of us has wanted to invest in the house or marriage. That means I can't afford to stay or go unless I stop paying bills. I have gone to mediation but he refuses to, he won't put the house on the market or discuss the future.
I am at the point of forcing his hand by moving out but that has serious repurcussions on finances and our son. Despite all the times I have told him he says I am doing a runner, that I am evil and despicable, that he wants to get as far away as possible, etc.

Problem is I am growing to despise him for not being fair on our son. He tells him all of this and George (my son) sees me as a bad mother and wont even cuddle me without dad's approval. I know I have hurt them both but it is not a marriage. He seems to hate me, reads my e-mail, my private post, my bank statements. He goes thorugh my handbag. Delights in breathing beer fumes on me and then telling me I object because I am jealous of him drinking.

I can't stand the smell because it reminds me of where I have been.

I feel despicable, angry, frightened and the lowest of the low. I don't need reminding of it whenever I try and stand up for myself. I am trying to be a better person but that seems to threaten him and he needs to knock it out of me by getting to all the shameful bits I feel 24 hours a day.

I am sorry to go on for so long but how do I deal with the guilt, shame and pain of needing to get out of a marriage when I know he has stayed with me when I was drinking

July 6, 2007
8:49 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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oh sweetie...I am PROUD of you for coming so far...congrats on staying sober in such trying times!

HOW DARE your husband gloat that he can drink and you can't...that is totally disrespectfun and unsupportive.

Yes, you should get out...your situation is toxic.

Yes, your son will need therapy to resolve all the brainwashing your husband put in his head.

Are you in therapy?

Perhaps you can get into a therapist, whom you can call into the divorce proceedings as a witness that you are a sound, healthy parent and that your son is "safe" with you as a custodial parent. The fact that you aren't drinking and your husband is, will work in your favor too.

Getting out is your only option.

If you have to stop paying the bills to set some money aside, then go for it...whatever it takes to get out.

Also, if you move out, take your son with you, you will be entitled to temporary, IMMEDIATE child support until the actual divorce hearing.

So, see a lawyer, get your papers filed and know where you stand legally and financially.

I wish you the best...wish I had more information about how to get out of the mess...hoping a lawyer and counselor can be your best resources.

July 6, 2007
9:02 am
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Robert123
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It may get a lot worse before it gets better. It doesn't sound like a very healthy place for you...or your child. Relying on your recovery group for support may become more and more critical. I wish you well and keep posting.
R

July 6, 2007
9:35 am
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atalose
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Belletty,

First off welcome glad you joined us. Second, congratulations on your sobriety!!!!

I am so sorry you are going through all this. It sounds like your husband also has codependency issues that are bringing about his extreme need to control you and the marriage. This marriage can’t be good for him either but he insists you stay and keep it as is. Why would he want that? Why would he want to remain in an unhappy situation? Maybe it’s the fact he can control it or he has to this point. My ex was similar, we were both unhappy yet he did and said everything he could to keep me right where I was without any changes.

He is abusing you and your son with his threats, his control over your son’s emotions towards you is extremely damaging to your son and your relationship with him. If your son has to ask permission from his father to show love and affection towards you, you need to get your son away from that and into counseling as soon as possible.

Belletty, you have strength you’ve proven that by remaining sober and wanting a better life, your husband remains sick very sick and he also needs help, help he may never receive because it’s easier to blame you then except it takes two to make a marriage work. Marriage doesn’t work by one partner controlling the other no matter what that partner may have done in the past. Life isn’t about controlling others so we get what we want.

I do understand your feeling low and bad about yourself, my ex used to use verbal abuse as well as a way to control me and it worked because all his put downs keep me down for a long time. Once I decided to get up off the floor, stand my ground and leave that bad situation I began to feel much better about myself. I didn’t have money I also had to rebuild things with my kids due him telling them things about me and his own behavior was extremely detrimental to there mental health.

Don’t stay out of quilt or shame that’s not healthy for you or your son. The past is the past there is nothing any of us can do about that so holding onto it only becomes a weapon to someone like your husband. When you say he says “you are a runner, that I am evil and despicable, that he wants to get as far away as possible, etc.” Can you see his own conflict there, he says those things yet he doesn’t want you to leave. He wants to continue to mistreat you to use your past against you and keep you much like a prisoner in his world. And the sad part is he’s mistreating his own son and probably can’t even see or understand that because his own sickness and need to control is what is driving him.

Have you both ever considered family counseling for all three of you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 7, 2007
4:37 pm
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belletty
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Hi
Thank you for your replies and advice.

I have to admit I was scared to post for a while because thinking it and even writing it I still felt that I really deserved the unhappiness that staying would mean just because he had stayed around while I was drinking.

I think the fact that he beleived me about my step-fathers abuse - when my family turned their backs on me for 7 years meant I was also greatful. I know from doing therapy and my 12 step program that I was attracted to him as a peadophile investigator and an unavailable man (he was married) more than anything.

I had to do a recovery life story and that was included in it, he unfortunately 'found it' and accidentally read 24 pages of A4 typed - and was there a lot of truth and dirt in there. It is now forming the basis of our extremely bitter court case for custody as he has so much evidence to use.

Again I feel that I deserve for it all to come out and there is a part of me that feels that it may cost me my family and son but at least it will be because of that and not that they have rejected me now.

I know that some of these feelings are wrong and I am so aware that there are probably a lot of hurt people reading this who have suffered greatly at the hands of alcoholics and addicts. But for this alcoholic, hell was where I was all my drinking career and you can't make me feel any more sorry or disgusted than I do already.

I really do appreciate the feedbacl. When I wrote yesterday I was so close to throwing it all away and walking, I can't tell you how desolate I felt. Just knwoing someone is listening helps immensely

Thanks

July 8, 2007
12:35 am
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jasminum sambac
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Hi Belletty

Nobody deserves unhappiness, no matter what they did in the past. You don't. You deserve to be happy as much as any other person in the planet does.

Confronting your past and changing for the better are another thing...

I hope you keep posting.

All best,

Jas

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