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I am a codependent dating a workaholic
January 11, 2007
2:53 am
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scyllamessina
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This must be the worst possible match. He is addicted to work, and I am addicted to him. We love each other, but we are driving each other crazy. We have pretty much broken up, and I am in the place where I am starting to have sleepless nights, uncontrollable crying, panic attacks, isolating myself from friends, thoughts of wishing it were all just over, wanting to run away from my life. I desperately need attention. I scare my family and friends by the intensity of my reaction to the point where they want to hospitalize me. I know I am not crazy, but sometimes I just can't control how much I hurt.

January 11, 2007
3:05 am
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scyllamessina
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Everytime a relationship goes bad, I completely ruin it beyond repair. I don't trust my own judgments. What I think I should do: leave him alone and give him time to realize he misses me. What I actually do: Call him and email him begging him to love me. What I am scared of doing: letting him take advantage of my vulnerabilities. I don't trust him to be good to me, so I oscillate between fighting for myself and begging. I know I need help, but that doesn't mean that I am the one completely in the wrong. He admits being addicted to work, but he doesn't do anything about it. I don't want to feed his addiction through my own . . .

January 11, 2007
4:50 am
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alycia
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Why did u break up? Its natural to be a mess over a break up, u are grieving a loss......If you are at fault in the break up then call him, if you are not at fault being he is the one who did wrong by you then dont call him......

When i say fault i mean, hurt him, cheated on him, hit him, emotionally abused him etc etc....

Need some details really to help out,

Love has to be one of the hardest things to get over and i am sorry for your pain, without knowing the details maybe give the guy a couple of days to collect his thoughts and take it from there.

If you do not feel comfy in a phone call, write down how you are feeling to him, again its hard without knowing what happened...

I can say for sure that the pain does go, i am living proof of that.... take care

January 11, 2007
7:24 am
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CAMER
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give yourself a break...and try to do the right thing, keep telling yourself to "stop" if you decide to pick up the phone or email....don't do it....spend that time giving yourself more love, give yourself a hug, and know you are a good person.

Possible break ups are hard, decide if you want this relationship to work, and if you do, ask him why he works so much and see if he can spend a lil' more time with you, but then also, give him space, its about balance, you need balance in your life, not just a man to love you, start first with loving yourself.

((((hugs to you)))) camer

January 11, 2007
10:19 am
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scyllamessina
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We broke up basically over his work addiction. There are other factors - like I live in North Carolina and he lives in California. I have a hard time with boundaries. I don't know when I should stand up for myself. I know we both have issues. I feel like everyone just assumes I am wrong because I have codependent tendencies. However, I know I am right that he has issues too. It just seems like everyone thinks I am the only one who needs help, and it is driving me crazy.

January 11, 2007
11:16 am
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scyllamessina
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So, what do you guys think are healthy work habits/boundaries? I want to make sure I am not crazy here.

Right now he works most nights until at least 8 PM, then brings work home. He works every weekend. He doesn't remember to eat lunch most days. He pulls all nighters.

January 11, 2007
12:41 pm
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CAMER
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first, do you want to rekindle this relationship??? and is he willing to make any adjustments to having a
personal relationship with you and not invest so much into work???

January 11, 2007
4:23 pm
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scyllamessina
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Yes, I would like to rekindle things, and he is open. However, I don't know if he is really willing or just hoping I will change. That is my whole problem with boundaries and second guessing myself.

January 17, 2007
9:33 pm
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scyllamessina
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We broke up for good. I was feeling like I was crazy because everyone de-emphasizes the severity of work addiction. I was thinking maybe I was wrong. Get this - his ex-girlfriend wrote a book about their break up dealing with the same issues. I sent her an email and told her what I had been going through and that I needed help. She told me that I wasn't crazy and that the same exact thing happened with them. She helped me validate my feelings that he needs help. I know I need help in my own ways, but it felt good to know that I wasn't as wrong and messed up as he was making me feel.

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