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I Almost Made It.
March 8, 2007
2:41 am
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careless1
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Throughout my life I have known that I was co-dependant but called it something else. I've always managed and moved on until now.
I'm 39 yrs old and discovered my boyfriend of 5 years with another woman in December of 06'.
I moved ro another town because I just couldn't deal with all of it. Things were beginning to look up with a new place, job and grandbaby from my daughter who I moved in with.
Then in February I recieved an e-mail about how it wasn't what I thought it was and they were just friends and he had drank to much to drive so she had to drive him home and so on.
All I could do was stare at the screen. I wasn't going to let this man come into my life again. I told him what I thought of him and all that did was make him send insulting e-mails. I blocked his e-mails and he would use his fathers.
Then yesterday I did the stupidest thing I could of done in this situation. I logged on to his e-mail and discovered that he had been cheating on me since 04' with numerous woman. He never deleted any of his letters and to make matters worse I forwarded them to this last girl he was with and still seeing while he's telling me, it wasn't whatI thougt it was.
Why didn't I leave it alone and just delete his mail when it came in?
Why does it hurt so bad when I know that I am better off without him? He couldn't keep a job and brought nothing to the table. He broke my jaw but said it was an accident, he stole money from his father and I to go on a trip with his friends.
I am a complete idiot for always forgiving and taking the blame for his actions. I kept telling myself that we could work through all of this because he was at least faithful. I'm so ashamed of all of this and wishing I would of never looked at his e-mail, but if I hadn't would I be as determined to stay away from him.
He is aware of what has happened now and to him I was just being vendictive. I probally was but he doesn't think that he has a problem? Once again it's my fault?
Please give a little direction but rasy on the critisism. I'm doing enough of that to myself.

March 8, 2007
5:34 am
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nvr2late
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careless..don't beat yourself up over things that are done!
you now know to stay away from him...and going into his email is not going to help! so, maybe that is not such a good idea anymore?

but you are moving on...and he is a putz!
broke your JAW??? hmmm...well, if that is not a red flag, I am not sure what one is!

so, you took a step back, we all do..it is what you do with the lesson now.
move ahead, don't look back (easier said than done, I KNOW!)
focus on your grandchild..know that you don't want that child to see a relationship like that!!!

don't beat yourself up over what is past, when I heard some horrible things about my ex, I just went...
'yeah, that is why I divorced him...'

keep saying that over and over...
someday it will sink in!

stay strong!

nvr

March 8, 2007
7:45 am
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Robert123
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Well careless, finding out now rather than later, about who he really is, might be a good thing. It undoubtedly hurts now but finding out 5 years into it instead of 20 or 30 might very well be a blessing in disguise. You can choose what you want and demand from a relationship. It doesn't sound like he is able to meet those needs.

March 8, 2007
8:26 am
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wannabe
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careless

relax, I dont think there is any going back now on both his or your part, its now finally over, and you need to also move forward. and blaming yourself is not going to help in any way.

we are humans and we do stupid things, but you cant walk forwadr when you are looking behind, can you? you have to face where you are going.

March 8, 2007
12:15 pm
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taj64
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I agree don't beat yourself up over this. Ya know if he had not done this to you in the first place then you would not be struggling so hard like this with jealousy. Now you know the real truth, and the real truth will set you free from going back there. Sure it will be painful for a little longer but you will pick yourself right back up and start over again. You did it for 3 months now and that is great. Plus 3 months is not too terrible long to get over and I think you need more time here. Be realistic. Stay away, keep all contact away from him, and surely you will be back on the right track again. Pretty soon he will be memory that is faded. You don't forget but it does lesson. Takes time. Keep on moving on. We all make mistakes in life, you are human but you know now and you can forgive yourself, cuz you are your own best friend.

March 8, 2007
2:04 pm
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nappy
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If you know all of this about your boyfriend, what part of this thread makes you want to keep wanting him in your life?
It would be as simple as just deleting his e-mail and not have anything to do with him.
If you moved to another town, you should be doing your own thing, just because you got a e-mail from him stating that he made a mistake, well let him figure that out. You don't need to be there, trying to smooth everything out. He cheated on you. He cheated on your since 04.
Please, the minute that I knew that he was with another woman, I WOULD BE GONE. HE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE ME.
I don't know, cheating is a hurtful things and I know that we are suppose to forgive, but while he is making love to me, my mind would be is he thinking about this other girl.
I wouldn't want to put myself through that. And then after cheating, I wouldn't be able to trust him anymore, so it is best that the situation should be left alone.

March 8, 2007
7:24 pm
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revelation
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Why does it hurt? Because you are human. Of course it hurts hun...don't go beating yourself up because you are feeling emotional pain, what good is that going to do? You have just been through the mill as it is, so now, you need to take care of yourself and let the tears flow when they need to..contrary to popular belief, crying doesn't mean you are feeling worse, it means you are dealing with the pain you are in and you are facing up to it...its a very healthy thing to do.

You are NOT an idiot for forgiving, again thats just you being the nice human-being you are! Now you know it was the wrong thing to do for you, so you'll hopefully think twice before taking him back again. There are lots of us here who have made that mistake several times over! Its hard to face it, but you've been dragged through the grinder emotionally and physically...this man obviously lacks the empathy, care and regard needed to be in a relationship and it would be terribly fool-hardy of you to take him back again knowing that. The trick now is to get yourself strong emotionally, get your confidence and self-esteem back up where it should be and by then, you will not want anything to do with the a**hole.

Take care,
Rev.

March 9, 2007
11:00 pm
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careless1
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Rev., Nappy, Taj64, Wannabe, Robert123, nvr2late,

I thank you all for your words of courage. I am so glad I found the strenth to do this. I have cried and have accepted all that has happened. I can only try and focus on what I will do next. I left behind everything and starting a new. Very scared, but just knowing there are those who understand my struggles brings a little peace.

March 10, 2007
1:42 pm
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revelation
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careless...keep on posting hun, sometimes you won't get a response at the weekend, but hold out, someone will come and give you their input eventually!

Rev.

March 10, 2007
2:11 pm
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careless1
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Today I have begun to take inventory of my life. I have discovered many things that I have done wrong and many things I have allowed someone else to do to me. I realize the pain I am feeling and emotional roller coaster I am on is temporary, however I wish to end this self distructive behavior. In the future I want to face lifes challenges with the proper tools. So when someone like my ex approaches me, I can see them for what they are and polited run the other direction. At the same time I accept the possibility that I may be without a partner for the rest of my life. What a task I have set before me. Cheers to me. I hope I can keep this up.

March 10, 2007
2:32 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Careless,

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling. Although my situation is a little different....it is similar in many ways and I understand the pain you are feeling.

I can also relate to wishing that you never looked at his e-mail. I did the same thing with my b/f's cell records two weeks ago and was sick at what I found. Since then it has only gotten worse. I broke up with him yesterday and like you....I know it is for the best but it is still hard and it still hurts.

I don't know why doing what is right for ourselves is so difficult and so painful sometimes.

I'm afraid I don't have much advice....I just wanted to let you know that I can relate and you are not alone.

Take care,
Lolli

March 10, 2007
3:48 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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Well careless seems to be you ought to be patting yourself on the back. It seems to me you started being proactive in your life. Good for you. give yourself a good pat on the back and hold your head up high. You are NO LONGER A VICTIM

March 10, 2007
8:20 pm
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careless1
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lollipop3,

I'm glad you shared that. He made me feel like I was psycho for doing that. I just needed the truth and it wasn't going to come from his mouth. He is a bad, bad man. I've really made a mess of my life because of him. I am so stressed about repairing all the damage. There is even some legal things involved. I am so afraid. I've got to hang on.

March 11, 2007
4:58 pm
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revelation
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Careless, you are doing incredibly well!!! You will make it through this. You sound like a strong person.

Rev.

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