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Husband Thrives On Other Women
January 7, 2002
3:40 am
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Gordon
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I'm upset right now. My husband, sons and I just returned from a weekend away. It was really lovely except for one detail. AFTER we arrived at our vacation spot, my husband informed me that one of his employees was in the next town over and that he had invited her and her husband to join us for lunch. I had not even had my morning coffee! He asked me in front of our sons if that would be alright. My heart started pounding (it was not alright), but I said it was fine. They came within 20 minutes and spent the morning, afternoon and evening until after dinner coffee. From the moment they arrived, my husband chummed up with this woman who is much younger than I am (and I am much younger than my husband), and she gave my husband all of her attention. Her husband seemed naive to her flirtations.

I am trying to be a gracious "Boss's Wife", but, I just described a scene that has been repeated 15 times with other women from his office. Tonight, I feel like I'd just rather file for divorce after 20 years of marriage than to play second fiddle to all of the women he has had or will have in his life. He makes me feel like I'm disposable and that there is always going to be a woman who is younger or prettier than I am.

I was young once, too. When he gave me his attention, I thought I was special. NOw I see that he does nice things for all the girls. He has helped them by cars, homes, you name it, by loaning them money. He never asks me or tells me in advance, he just does it. Then he will say, "Well, it's from both of us!" My mind says, "No it was really from you to her."

I never used to be the jealous type, now I guess I am. My husband has betrayed me so many times with situations like this. Today, I just feel like I can't take it anymore.

Is there a term that describes what he is doing over and over? Am I an enabler? Is there a term that describes me? When I stood my ground in the past he said he would divorce me because he didn't want to feel like he was in a cage. He never did. I admit that raising my children became a priority and I didn't want to rock the boat when they were young.

Thank-you for your reply in advance.

Gordon

January 7, 2002
12:01 pm
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Molly
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Gordon, that is a different name for a woman ? The thing that you have to remember, and of course this weekend was your last straw, but you have allowed this to go on for years, so it has become acceptable behavior to him. So, the kids are older, your feeling more threatened. I wouldn't toss 20 years so fast. Spend his money on you. Go make your self younger, get your self in school, make sure your 50% is accessible,and don't make threats your not going to follow through on. Is he just flirting, or is this adultry ? You need to be sure, since again, you hear this you have allowed it to go on for years. Don't get mad, get even. Do talk to him, and if the threats come, ignore them, he needs his mommy at home, he won't upset the apple cart so quick, so do your home work. Many men, are like this, sucks doesn't it, so fragile their ego, mr. hero to the young and help less, for that 5 minuets of looking grand.

January 7, 2002
12:18 pm
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deshong
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Gordon,

Do you realize that he is using you, disrespecting and possibly abusing you
You should be asking yourself why you have been allowing yourself to put up with his behavior. Don't you know that marriage is a partnership? Why does he have so little disrespect for you to not ask your permission before throwing money out to other women. Set some boundaries and stick to them. Decide what you want and how much you value yourself.

January 7, 2002
3:32 pm
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gingerleigh
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I really like Molly's idea of focusing on yourself. Hm... wonder how Mr. Big Boss would like it if you started flirting "harmlessly" with the young pretty girls' young handsome husbands, mmm?

Also, why did you tell your husband that it was all right for you to have visitors when it as not allright? Just think of the messages you were sending to your sons... they will expect their future wives to bow to their wills whether it's OK or not... not good habits to pass along to your sons. They learn not just from their father, but also from you, as to what is acceptable and what isn't. Were you worried that your sons would see you as the "bad guy"?

Just some questions to mull over. What are you thinking now?

January 7, 2002
5:08 pm
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Ladeska
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Not sure why - having a word for you or him would be the issue here. You know what you see and it's not about jealousy. That would be his stupid word for it, but it's not that at all. It's you sensing - his unfaithfulness and you have to give yourself credit for having a mind, eyes and a gut that "knows your husband". I know exactly what you are talking about and it's B.S.

He just figures you'll keep standing for it. He's majorly disrespecting you for one thing when in your presence and doing this and who knows - what goes on that you don't know about.

You have to take "what you know" and either decide to live in it and yes, be the enabler - or do you walk away from the asshole (my term for him) and decide to have your life on your terms. Isn't he just the little charm muffin? Oh how sweet, how nice, and what a despicable human being and poor excuse for a husband he is. If he wants to do all these women - then leave you and go have yourself a good old time! But no....they love - having a woman at home who they are sticking it to and making squirm. If you leave - he will find someone else - to put in your spot because men like this - enjoy the torture.

It's your call, but I think you're pretty tired of this crap by now, right?

January 8, 2002
2:49 am
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gypsygirl
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someone send the FedEx guy over to my house, make him wear those shorts.

January 8, 2002
1:57 pm
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syqg
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You had a choice prob yrs ago to leave or stay. You chose to stay. Why? he's kids dad and prob the money. You know what to do about this. You seem scared to make it on your own. You love your children i'm sure you do but be honest with yourself since he obviously isn't you didn't want to rock the boat for yourself either? Just know that it's better for the boat to rock than to sink or completely tip over and trust me it's gonna eventually.

January 8, 2002
3:59 pm
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Molly
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Why don't you read JWT"s I don't hate her I hate me. that is a man cheating on his wife with his assistant, you could be his wife, except he has daughters, and you have son's. I really like the idea of cleaning out the bank accounts, don't act out of emotion, set your self up right.

January 8, 2002
4:08 pm
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Ladeska
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It's all about reading the road signs and not becoming a deer in the headlights. All too often, we operate from a defensive mode in life instead from an offensive one. Offense - strikes first alot of the time. They don't wait until they get attacked. They size up the situation and make a pro-active movement, which is not what - you are doing. And is precisely why he has no respect for you. He's been able to do this for how long and get away with it? Time after time he's left clues, rubbed it in your face, heck the women don't even seem to mind doing it in front of you. Time for you to do something "for yourself" and not apologize or look back regarding it. And don't expect to "talk this out with him either". Fat chance of that ever happening unless of course he talks you death with endless circular reasoning all in his court, of course. That's defense playing again. You decide what you want out of life and then get it. Decide what your boundaries are and then erect them, don't apologize, argue, discuss nothing. Otherwise, be prepared to live out the next twenty years in much the same way and pave the road for your children to the very same thing. Time to snap out of it.

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