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husband spends time alone 2 often w/stepdaughter
July 10, 2007
10:24 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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((((stabbedheart))))

I agree....your apology was admirable...I hope that I didn't come across too mean. I was just stunned....and as a mother of four, I know that I cannot make all of their choices.

Best of luck to you...

Mich

July 11, 2007
1:46 am
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urfool4 2long
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dearest stabbedheart,
Thankyou for your apology.Of course I will forgive the error,because we are all human.I learned something
from this also that is going to help
me in the future.Atalose responded to your apology and mentioned how they learned about judgements and how half the time they didnt realize
they were doing this in "other areas
of their life"

What jumped out at me was this.I need
to be sure my words/judgements dont
hurt others,with out me being sure of how it will fall on the others ears and be absorbed by them.

Sometimes what I do,if I need to tell
someone something is,I pretend I'm not me,but them,and say the words that are going to be heard by them.If
I want the person to be receptive to what I'm saying,how it falls into their ears makes a difference. I have found that the way I was going
to pose it wasnt all that great, and
if it were me hearing it that way for the first time,I would have a
natural reaction of responding defensively/negatively.

By refraising it,the person can hear what you want them too,understand
your view.
It also lays a foundation for them
to respond calmly.

So here's an example from your original response,that turned out for
the betterment of all of us.

I can see that we are all a good group of people with intent of
helping,learning,and humanity.

Sad,you asked if I were in NY,I have
no problem with sharing that I'm in
California,and the typical room is around that price and higher.It is not owned by my g/f otherwise she would have let me get started their.
Her and I are both originally from
NY.

I started looking at the jobs today.
Alot of medical,and things I'm not
trained in.But,there will be somethin
g. I'm no dummy,so I'll just keep at it.

Went to my g/f house today,and there
was a lot of smiles and hugs from other g/f there even tho they didnt
know what was going on,and just good
stuff that made me feel good.

I'm really trying.Usually I would be
at home or with him 24/7

Thankyou all and keep on with me.I rush to the computer to get my lift
as soon as I get here

Stay Loving

July 11, 2007
6:51 am
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urfool4 2long
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cant sleep.very sad.started taking down my pretty things we just put up
in this new place we just moved into.
now,I have to pack and figure out where to keep them.some very special
things,the rest I just have to let go.He's being mean and cold.do you know how ashamed i feel right now to tell you that he said he dosnt want to be with me anymore!I feel so humiliated.I know,I know,I dont even want to hear about what we already know.I feel so.....I dont even know
the right word for how I feel,I dont
even know how I'm going to feel when my stuff and I walk out this door and I am totally alone.Putting my head down some strange place.I just dont know.my heart is so broken,damaged and devasted,and all with an extra few hundred stabs.i hate this

July 11, 2007
7:25 am
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sad sack
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September 24, 2010
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I understand your sadness and emptiness over the breakup of your relationship. But, you have to realize that him telling you he doesn't want to be with you anymore, is a blessing in disguise. This way the break is easier. You have no one who is pleading and begging and manipulating you into staying. You can walk out and hold your head high.

I know how hard it is. After all you invested many years in the relationship. You loved him, so of course, it is going to hurt.

But know that you will get through this. You will get stronger and you will be at a much better place. It might not seem like it now but that is because you are at rock bottom. Things can only get better from this point. Once you are completely free of this toxic individual, then you can start working on you. I am glad that you have friends that you can rely on. And I am so happy that you are looking for that job.

You said you will be totally alone when you walk out that door. But really now, weren't you totally alone in that relationship? Physically, he was there by your side, but he was actually miles away from you emotionally.

It will be difficult at first, but I have confidence that you could do this. Walk out that door and never look back. Start a new life for yourself. Think of it as an adventure. You sound like such a wonderful woman. YOu will meet many more men in your lifetime. You deserve to be with someone who will love, cherish, and respect you.

Well, I wish for you a very good, productive day. Post here when you need to. I hope you see that you have made an instant support system here. We all care and are rooting for you.

Sad

July 11, 2007
7:55 am
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helpplease
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i agree with what nappy said about co-dependence. i have seen this in my family and have repeated it in my life. it has been a long process but once you break the cycle, you have FREEDOM. and that my dear, is a beautiful thing. you will feel sad when you decide to get out and repair yourself. you will feel withdrawals, just like a drug addict, but you will get better, you'll be a different person, and you'll attract different people. find a higher power, go out and exercise, get a support group in whatever form that comes (maybe we are it!) but you have to do it or your life will not change. thanks for the opportunity to weigh in on your life. hp

July 11, 2007
8:44 am
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jasminum sambac
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Hello, ur

I can only imagine that taking down those pretty things from your walls hurts like you say.

You inspire me. You jumped right into one of the hardest parts of beginning change with two feet and you're doing it. Your courage to just GO after better for yourself takes my breath away.

I'll be looking in to see how you are.

Take care, 🙂 and as they do on this forum, (((ur))) OK, how about this!

(((((ur)))))

🙂 Let us know how you are.

Jasminum

July 11, 2007
9:05 am
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soapy41
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urfool4 2long,

You mentioned that your daughter was in rehab? I am assuming that she has a substance abuse problem? If this is the case, she is not the child you raised. Addicts are the most selfish and manipulating people you will ever meet. Your expectations of her is just too high in her current state.

I think that right now your only concern should be YOU! Not your daughter and not your boyfriend. At some point your desire for self-preservation has got to kick in. I am not saying that the decision to remove yourself from this insanity will be easy, but how easy has it been for you to stay?!

I hope you do some real soul searching and determine what kind of life you want to build for yourself. You cannot depend on your boyfriend and/or daughter to create the kind of life you deserve, only you can create your reality.

You cannot continue to allow yourself to be victimized by these reckless people. Knowledge is power and once you have the knowledge of a situation, it is your responsibility to use that power to make a change in your life, not the reckless people. You are not gaining points by continuing to take the emotional abuse.

I think you have spent enough time dwelling on them. Place that energy on trying to get emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy!

I wish you the best as you navigate through this difficult time.

July 11, 2007
9:26 am
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atalose
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September 24, 2010
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Words are words and coming from a man who’s conducted himself in such a
sleezy way you need to try and not let them affect you. You decided you no longer
wanted to be with him before he spoke those words so that doesn’t matter.

I understand your hurt and feelings of rejection but as sad said this is a blessing in disguise even thought it feels so hurtful. Often the best lessons we learn in life stem from
hurt and pain.

I am glad to see you are getting out with GF’s and laughing and getting some peace.

I think you should really think about talking with your parents about all this and see
if they can offer you a place to stay, what’s the worst that can happen they say no.

You say you moved into a new place with him do you both own this place or were you renting? If you own can’t you force the sale of this house or have him buy you out?

As for a job we all wish for the perfect one which pays a lot and offers good benefits but in the mean time until that perfect job comes along you need income of your own. I had a friend who took a job as a hostess in a restaurant just to bring in some income while she continued to go on interviews for other jobs. You mentioned medical jobs in your area, another friend of mine on a whim applied for a job at a doctors office doing office work. That job turned into her becoming office manager and making twice what she started out at. At this point you may want to just get any job that will get you out of the house and be around people, kind of like getting away from your troubles for a few hours each day.
Just something for you to think about.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 11, 2007
10:43 am
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urfool4 2long
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September 27, 2010
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Hi everybody,
Its been a really rough night.I just kept jumping out of the bed all hyper
and I'd do a few things and start cry
ing and then getting angry,then try
ing to lay down again.I felt like a
jack in the box popping up and down.
So sad to say,I was hoping for some
kindness from him,isnt that stupid.
Reality sucks sometimes.

We were so happy when we moved in here and he was home all the time,we were getting along,he bonded even closer and then on the 7th wham this
happened,I'm not trying to cover this
with anything,I'm just saying how
shocked I am at this time.

I felt the worst during this night I
ever have,because I know for sure he
truly dosnt care.I was at an all time
historical(in my lifes history)low,al
most scary.I was feeling like there
was no way to get through this.

Then I turned to you once more,and do
you people know you are life saving?

About this being a rental or a home
we bought,its a rental,I cant afford
it no way ever.Its going to be a
start from scratch and struggle.He
sold my car because it needed a tranny.Now that we are at this stage,
he's not even going to help me with that.So basically,he will be fine and I will be crawling.

It's something that I should have been smart about,which is in hind sight now.I dont know why I never
thought of putting money away in a
nest egg.

I just want to hand in there right now I mean emotionally.After last night I just need to keep from getting that down.Otherwise I'm going
to loose out on any steps ahead I can
be.I mean I dont have a penny.

I just want a small,small storage for
some special things and then,I can get out if my clothes and all are packed up,papers and things of that nature.

I'm mad.I feel I really got the shaft
and feel like I am so worried.So,what
the heck,I wish I could just close my eyes and sail through the hard part,and open them when the hard parts over.

Hey I just thought of something.Has
anyone ever thought of hypnosis?To
help remove triggers or dependency's
and or things to do related to another person?To at least aliviate
some of it?

July 11, 2007
11:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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September 24, 2010
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not a fool any longer....

I am sorry he has told you he doesn't care, but as someone else said, it may make the break easier, as he won't be around trying to manipulate you into staying.

Don't kick yourself for not putting money away.

Had I not come here, I probably wouldn't have ever thought about it either. I just moved into my BF's home...so I will use this new knowledge and make sure I have a "rainy day fund"...pray it never happens, but be prepared.

Your "husband" kept you isolated, kept you in his control...he wanted things the way they are for a reason - control - so you HAVE to depend on him - so you can't/won't go anywhere....he wanted to be the one holding all the cards.

They are good at doing this and the smartest of women are often fooled like this...so don't kick yourself.

I wish you luck job searching and looking for a place to stay.

I really think that perhaps it's time to open up to your parents...if they really knew what was going on, perhaps they would be more open to help....just until you get your feet on the ground...which you are working hard at...I am proud of you....you wasted NO time in taking charge/control of your future.

The future is scary, but I assure you, it will be sooooooooo much more peaceful with this chaos out of your life.

July 15, 2007
1:27 am
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bonita1
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ur(not)a fool,

Hope you are feeling better today.

~~bonita

July 16, 2007
8:52 pm
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soapy41
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September 30, 2010
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Hi urfool4 2long,

It is probably necessary for you to be having all these emotions, sadness, anger, etc.

I am reading this book "The Road Less Traveled and Beyond" and one of the paragraphs stated that we are at our finest when we are searching and struggling for direction. It stated that we really don't think to our full capacity when everything is warm and fuzzy. I believe this to be true in my case. While going through adversity, clarity and strength is born.

Hang in there and continue to concentrate on your emotional and physical well-being.

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