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husband spends time alone 2 often w/stepdaughter
July 8, 2007
1:10 am
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urfool4 2long
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He's my common law husband,10 yrs we've lived together.I'm a very loving person,and I have taken alot more in this relationship than I have with any other and I don't know why I've stayed in it so long.He was cheating on me right from the start,and he has continued all the way through,always
promising he's not going to anymore.For a while it got real bad,and the humiliation,pain and shame was really starting to bring me so down,with depression,I lost my joy,and smile which is one thing everyone always admired about me through the toughest of times.Saying no matter what I never complained,anyway to get to the point,my daughter moved in with us into our studio apartment,when her marraige fell apart from her affair with a black man,that was abusive to her and was having her do thefts etc.Well she depended on us for protection,money,food,cars,everything now.She was 27 at the time and she is extremely beautiful and 99.9% of the males no matter what age want to be what ever to her or with her.She started to help my husband with work,where I used to everyday.We were well known as a team and always being together,and keeping up with him is far from easy,the toughest of guys had hard times,and one young guy couldnt take one day,we had to pull over for him to,you know he was sick to his stomach from the heat and the long day.So it didnt bother me at all because I could relax a little.Then it was just a regular thing and since it was my daughter,I didnt think anything of it.People started subtly asking me if it was ok with me,and did I think there was any funny business going on,and I never did.Then my daughter started having attitudes towards me,getting rude,demeaning,just plain mean sometimes,and it didnt make sense to me other than she is rude to alot of people and its a problem with her.I started to notice that when we would go to get in the vehicle she would slide over and sit between us instead of letting me sit next to him and one evening they came home after being gone all day,and had bad attitudes with me and she had the audasity to make them food to eat,sit down and eat the food and not even call me over to eat the food I buy in my house that we are sharing with HER.They ate and didnt bother to make a plate for me,invite me to sit or anything,Thats when I started to get really mad and wonder what the heck is their problem and my husband for not even respecting me to include me.She would get mad at him if he didnt side with her against me and he was hesitant to defend me many a times and things were going on like she wanted to take my place,be cruel to me and my husband started saying things like she hates you and I dont know why,or she's trying so hard to break us up.Meanwhile she was just atrocious to live with and bad talked me to everyone.Then it came to a point where we kicked her out,but during these times and prior he would meet her and not tell me and they were working together,even though he does need two people he wouldl lie or just not tell me.He also started having an affair with one girlfriend of hers to make mattere worse for me.I felt like I was going to die.She came back to live with us after a month or so and my husband was so uptight about her being there,he was mean and rude,made these rules that she had to be up and out of the house by 9 am and not allowed till 5 to return and I couldnt figure why he was so cold and wouldnt even look her in the eye.So here comes the worst,she got a room at a motel down the street for about a month because we couldnt take it and she was going to go to rehab.So one evening on a friday night I was on the phone with hus and he said he was 5 minutes away from being home.He never showed up,or answered his phone all night.I walked down to the hotel with a friend who felt I should seriously find out if he was in the room with her.The airconditioner was on still at 3 am and that is a must for him...he cant have sex in a hotel room with out having that kind of noise because he dosnt want anyone to hear,its like a law with him,and my daughter cant stand to be alone 2 minutes so the knocking on her door would have definitly opened since she knew and liked the person knocking(I was to the side out of sight)no answer and we went back 2 other times.The next day around 1230 finally his phone gets answered,and guess by who....my daughter!!!!!!!!!!I said well well well arent we cute,and she very sarcastically said,"We're anything you want us to be."I hung up and within 15 minutes he was home and the same friend who knocked on her door that night just walked away from our place and immediatley encountered and got in the cab that my daughter was now in,this is with in 15 min from me hanging up on them and the cab was driving by at the same time my hus pulled in.I grabbed his cell phone,and he was all cold and angry and I looked at his out going calls and found that right after he spoke to me the previous night saying he'd be 5 minutes,was a call to her hotel and then there were no more calls.So...what does that tell you even tho he still had the balls to insult me by saying it wasnt that,he wasnt there etc.PLEASE>so now much time has elapsed,I didnt leave I think because the reality of this scenario is so intense,that I've numbed myself to not want to face that because it will be the ultimate destruction of me and him and her and I and who knows how it will affect my parents,they love her so much and it will be devastating.So she slithered through rehab and is so-so with her problem,alot better than before,in fact way better.She was treating me genuinly respectful and blah blah blah then last night it started again,its been about 7 months since this happened,and I told my hus I felt akward when he came back and he tried to be nice but he wasnt himself at all the rest of the night,he was really getting close and loving with me,and it was weird,then today she shows up and asks him if she can go with him,which really made me very visably mad,I told him in our room privatly how mad I was and he just said well come with us.NO.what is this come with us,she should be visiting me and if I go then she goes and if I dont she shouldnt even want to go with him.She knew I was very mad,but it didnt matter.I watched her quickly scurry out the door to go and avoid my anger.I called his cell phone and told them what I thought of them and it didnt matter they didnt call back,they didnt turn around and youd think a daughter would say mom I didnt want to upset you and stay on with me,no they didnt return for 3 or 4 hours or something.I refused to talk to them and I told her to get out of my house,she then tried to knock on my door with that whats wrong crap...sorry abit to later for that,I was so mad and he left with her and that was about 2 hours ago,Help me please I am on the verge of falling apart and I know I cant live with a man as disgusting as that,but I am at a loss and stressed,I used to work with him,I know I wont be able to mentally handle any job for at least 3 months,he wont help me im sure.Since were common law theres not a lot that can be done,so I have to change my whole life and worry about survival and I am super ultra angry that I have put into this crap for so long only to walk away with nothing and worry how I'm going to make it.I just need some advice and support from you out there to tell me to do it anyway because you must be as sickened by all this as much as I am. Please tell me something.

July 8, 2007
7:16 am
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sad sack
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HI,

Wow! That is some story. It was painful to read and I am so sorry that you are living it.

It is difficult for me to give advice, because I do not know your financial situation. Are you at a point financially, to move out on your own? I don't know the state you are in, but some states have laws that protect the interests of common law partners. I bring that up because you said you would have nothing if you were to leave. Check with an attorney on that one.

I will tell you what jumped out at me. You need to put some legitimate space between you and your daughter. She appears abusive and toxic. Yes, she is your daughter and because of that you will always have a connection. But that does not and should not mean that she is allowed to treat you so badly. She has no respect whatsoever. SHe is outright cruel. Set up boundaries and stick to them. She is not a young child anymore. You do not have to put up with her the way you have been.

Forgive me for being so blunt, but why are you staying with your common law husband? Is it just for financial security? From what you described, he has treated you miserably. His behavior has been despicable and inexusable. Where is your self-respect? How could you stay with a man who would do what he did?

You need to find some counseling or support groups. You need to explore why you feel you don't deserve better than this situaion. You said you are angry for putting up with this for so long. YOu have a right to feel that way. So take that anger and tell yourself that you will not put up with it for one more day. Is there family that you can stay with?

Please do something to help yourself. Do it today. You don't have to be in that situation if you don't want to be.

I am glad that you reached out here. That is a positive sign and I hope you will continue to do so. YOu will be in my thoughts.

Bye for now.
Sad

July 8, 2007
1:21 pm
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bonita1
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common law spouses still have rights. Seek legal advice ASAP. He needs to move out and he may still have to give you spousal support.

Daughter sounds like a nightmare. Harder to divorce yourself from your kid but you might want to stay away from her since she is so toxic to be around.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

~~bonita

P.S. You might want to press the enter button two times periodically to get some paragraphing in there. It was really hard to read your post with no paragraphs.

July 8, 2007
1:24 pm
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bonita1
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My mom always used to say that the woman is the one who gets to stay in the home. It's the man who needs to leave.

Sound advice.

July 9, 2007
10:34 pm
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urfool4 2long
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*Wow,thankyou so much for the loving responses.It is amazing how everything makes so much more sense when you hear it from someone else.I broke down and had a really really hard,heavy cry.I needed to do that.

This site is a life saver.Thankyou,
thankyou, and please respond to me
again,I need you.

Let me update you on the situation. I had left that evening, I knew he wouldn't be back because he dosnt stay out late like that,I could just "feel" the emptiness.I arrived home the next day and he hadnt been here yet.He showed up about an hour after me,and his "energy" was intense.

Oh,let me interject this.Prior to his return,I called my mother asking for my daughter,since she lives with her and my dad. She said my daughter was originally going back to her house, but my hus had given her a ride there, for her to get some items, and then take her up to her x's & childrens place. That would be believable to my mom, becuse she does go stay with her x & kids. She also goes there to recover before returning to my mom and dad so they dont know if she's been reckless.

I knew she didnt go to x's,so I call him to make sure,and naturally, he confirmed she hadn't come, but he was
expecting her. I told her x what happened so he was aware of the situation. He was not surprised &
because of my daughters promiscuity & doubted this was the first time. I told him that I didnt want to tell my parents, because they've been through alot lately and they're
getting older, they need some peace. He thought they should know, to reveal what my daughter is really like. He called my mom and told her that my daughter did not show there last night.My parents are very watch ful and grand jury-ish about stuff like that, basically my daughter's can of worms was being opened before she ever made it back home and who knows yet what kind of lies she spilled out befor my mom revealed what we all knew.Tee hee hee.My son in law called back,saying she called him from the mall across the street,
she was getting her nails done,she'd walk over when done. Nails done! How nice! She had no money, isn't that nice of my husband to give her money for that. I believe that to be the same as a W_ _ _ _.

(the reason I'm explaining all about her right now, is ... it feels good sometimes 2 see karma in action,it is a reward that the wrong doer is giving you and meanwhile you havent done bad to them, it's all they're doings, so lol).Little did my daughter know what was unfolding as
she sat there getting her nials done thinking she had everyone bluffed.

Well,well,well,who shows up in the exact amount of time it takes to drive those 25 freeway miles from the mall she was at to our house? Yes, the husband with the intense, cold attitude,laced with cold responses. I said,I would like to get
my nails done,too!! Funny,how a grown
man instantly can become retarded. Duh,... I don-no-whach-ur-talkin-bout, duh,drool,duh.....? I dropped her off at the mall last night..duh.
I stayed at Steve's(his step brother
who is a raging alcohlic),call him &
ask him.

Just like the last time he didnt come
home, remember the time I spoke of,
where he was with her,& she was the
first one to answer his phone the
next day,I don't buy into pre-planned
excuses. That one's not going to fly
with me. So,where then would my daugh
ter go if she was left at the mall the night before in the dark.She
wouldn't! There's no where to go from
there exept for her X's,and we all
know she didnt go there the night be
fore.

My mom called me before my hus came
home and said the police had come to
her house looking for my daughter and
said they were looking to arrest her.
My mom didnt know why they were going
to arrest her,but I do.The black man
she left her family for was arrested
on the spot two weeks ago,due to a
restaining order the courts imposed
on the both of them,and he has already been sent back to prison for
this. Somewhere, someone either from
the law side, or the black guys mom
must have questioned why they only
arrested him and not her,being they
were both present.When my parents find out that's the reason,they are
going to flip out,because supposedly
my daughter is doing so good,they are
providing everything for her,paid
5,000.00 for her rehab, and she just
told them she wants to get her own
place, which my dad would have paid her rent indefinitly for. So,when the
night before,my hus and daughter came
here,after spending the day together
and I told my daughter to get out of here,she's not my daughter,and my hus
band walked out behind her,saying,
dont forget you said that,part of his
excuse was that was what they were
about to tell me,and my daughter was
saying oh I better never go to your house again.....but she didnt know
what to do or where to go. That is the crux of the whole thing. He,my
hus took responsibility to take care
of her,and leave me alone,turn his back on me,both of them did,not caring and not answering when I
called or anything.

He is completly denying that he stayed with her,and he is lying.It
burns me up so bad to think that my
daughter is so vicious,knowing her
mom was upset,hurt,and that she had with her....my man...and that she had
that kind of power to do that. I cant
forgive him for that. I cant forgive
his showing to me,that I came second,
which means he dosnt truly love me.
If you love someone, it kills you to
hurt them. I hate that I love him.
We just moved into a new place,and it
is so nice. It is the nicest place we
ve ever lived toghether,but dont worry,I am not letting that be a decision maker.

One question from the responses I got was about my finacial situation.
I currently am not employed with outside work.Over these ten years we
ve lived together I have worked with him,with his self employed business and it's not at all the type of work I could go apply elsewhere for I dont want to waste time explaining all about the work,it's car related.
So I dont have income or a savings.
My parents help my daughter with everything,but not me.She's got them
wrapped,and I dont play it that way,
I could drop in on someone a few nights,job hunt,etc,but you know how
that goes, I need to be prepared.

One response said,leave right away,
don't wait one more day,to do it now.
Oh, I love you for showing me the
seriousness of this situation. I love
the empathy and heart you put into the clearness of what is here. I have to do something quickly,because
I thought I had a nightmare on my hands the other time this happened.
Now it is a double nightmare. This kind of thing is so horrible just within itself, and when your own
daughter is the pig involved in it,
the baby you gave birth to and loved
is the one that can turn around and
bite you with something so personal
and so intimate, makes it really extra weird.

It has been so hard being around him. I want to reject him,but I have to be somewhat polite, he knows I am
devasted. He got mad yesterday, when he saw how deeply I was hurt,and said that's it.I dont want her to ever come here again. He blew it with out realizing what he said, the words he used were,"The next time I talk to her,I'm going to tell her she's not welcome to come here any
more.I dont want her coming here."

So,that means, he is going to talk to her again. She's just not supposed to come here.My response was,"All that means is it will just be harder for me to know when youre
with her." It's not a thing where they are steadily together,I know it has been these two times plus I believe somewhere,back about a year ago they were together (sexually) a handful of times,and he put a stop to it.But I do know that if he/she did this to me at all,it will happen from time to time,so I know I need to free myself,and that is a nightmare I am going to have hoovering over me till I die,even when I do leave,even if I found a new love or dont,her infidelity with my hus is a torture that has ruined
my faith in people,and just a burden that I dont deserve.

July 9, 2007
11:24 pm
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stabbedheart
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Wow, it's more like a movie. You know you need help, find a support group, that will help you alot, pretty sure they will provide resources for you to find a job and a place to live. I'm sorry but honestly, i believe you as a mother failed at some point. Children reflect with their actions alot of things, as she was growing up something went wrong. I'm sorry but a daughter doesn't disrespects a mother just like that for no reason, and show no guilt.

YOu NEED to leave him NOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! IT's a sick relationship, how can you say it's love. Don't worry about nothing or anybody else but YOU.

Keep posting, people here are very positive and always tell you their honest advice. It will help you, but you need to do more on your own.

July 10, 2007
12:43 am
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urfool4 2long
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Wow! You really hurt my feelings when you said you believe I failed as a mother somewhere along the line.
I am really depressed now and crying as I write this. My daughter has severe problems and she has had this
no conscience thing going on for a long time. She was raised with such love and I taught her many good things. My parents love her so much and they too have been very hurt by her.

We dont live in a small town,but every person I know, has been shocked by her in one way or another.
Her sexual promiscuity,her rudeness,
her actions in every area. One man I
know,who I hadnt seen in a long time,
was at a mutual friends,and when he
laid eyes on me,the first thing he said,was,"You are so nice,you are soo
soo nice,"while grabbing my hand and holding it,and I was saying,I know,I know,he was saying no you dont know and I was laughing because I knew exactly why he was saying that,my
daughter had recently been over his
neighbors and he had a chance to experience what she is like and how she treats people,and every single person that knows me is shocked she is my daughter because they know I am a good person and they cant understand,since I am so loving and I dont do or believe or partake in behaviors or actions contrary to who I am and You teach your children according to what you believe,and by your examples,and no where along the line did I ever show or live my life
in any of the ways she's doing.

She has a problem with being jealous of me,people have told me and I also
started putting this together by some
of the things she's said,and part of her sickness,which stems from bi polar.I'm not going to get into legnthy discussions about examples,
but I am very likeable,because of my
attitudes,my charecter,and my honesty,people can trust me around things that require trust,etc and she has found this to be disturbing,
in fact she is aware that men from young to old always make comments about their attraction to me,you know your friends will say so and so thinks you are funny and beautiful and wanted to know if youd go out but I told them you had a husband etc.You hear what people say,I never act on it,my daughter KNOWS inside and out,that I dont believe in sleeping around,so anyway ,

If someone commits a murder,is that
the persons parents failure as a parent.

YOu really hurt me

July 10, 2007
6:20 am
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sad sack
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I am truly sorry that you were hurt by that comment made by stabbed heart. But don't let that distract you now. That is just her opinion and she is entitled to that. The quality of your mothering is not the issue here. We did not live your life. We did not know what you were up against.

I could only comment on what you have presented here. You need to realize that you are in an extremely toxic situation (both with your common law husband and with your daughter). That is the issue at hand. HOw you got to this point is irrelavant here and is for a trained professional to explore.

You need to disentangle yourself from these two relationships. You are an adult. Get yourself a job independent from this man. If you don't feel strong enough, then go to some local support groups. They are out there with an empty chair waiting for you. Do you have any family aside from your parents? How about friends?

Your daughter is old enough for you to move on without considering her feelings. She certainly has not considered yours. She is bringing you down (to put it very mildly). You need some awareness. YOu then need to take that awareness and do something positive yourself.

If you choose to post again, pleaae tell us something positive you did for yourself today. No more daughter drama. Make your life about YOU now. You have suffered long enough.

Sad

July 10, 2007
11:02 am
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atalose
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Bad things do happen to good people. I am sorry stabbedheart chose to make a judgment about you and your mothering skills. No one has a right to judge another and as sad said don’t let that distract you from posting here or working on your recovery.

When we are so hurt we tend to want to hurt back. I’m sure you would like nothing more then to see your husband and daughter punished for how they both have hurt you. Use that anger to get out and away from both of them. You mentioned you couldn’t even think about getting a job for 3 months because of your emotions, that’s bull and an excuse to stay stuck. Sorry but you can’t deal with a serious problem like this by avoiding it or pushing it to the back burner.

There are many free counseling services out there that offer woman help to get out of toxic relationships. His abuse may not be physical but it certainly is verbal and there is no further reason for you to stay. Try your local mental health, county mental health or a domestic violence hotline where they can put you in the right direction towards getting out.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 10, 2007
11:34 am
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risingfromtheashes
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good parents can STILL have children that make bad decisions.

it's called free will.

many good parents have children that "go bad"...they get in with the wrong crowd, or try drugs or something and that's the end of the story.

a parent cannot do ANYTHING to stop this...once a child is out of the house, they are responsible for their own choices.

Considering what has gone on, do you think you could sit down with your folks and lay it all out on the table...explain what has happened...and ask for their help until you can get on your feet?

They spend alot of money on your daughter...I would think they could afford to help you out under the circumstances...and tho you don't want to "play them like that", you wouldn't be....you are in a tough situation and you need out NOW.

Also, seek legal aid...call legal aid and they can give you free advice and help you get low cost legal help in getting support from him.

Also contact social services...perhaps your non working status can get you some temporary support?

July 10, 2007
11:36 am
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nappy
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First let me welcome you to this site. and let me be the first to tell you that you are VERY CO-DEPENDENT.
If you don't understand that word, then you need to look it up because what I have read so far, is not good.

You need serious help because if you re-read what you wrote, you will see that first, you have let this man treat you so badly that you can't even see yourself. And second you have ALLOW your daughter to come into YOUR LIFE and take over and DISRESPECT you as a mother.

You need to face the TRUE FACTS, that your husband and daughter is having SEX. That is no if's or and's about it.
You already know that because it is taken a toll on you and your emotions. YOU IS MAKING YOURSELF SICK, because you see what is going on, you hear what is going on and you still don't want to believe what is going on, and it is sitting right in your face. FACE IT! and get over your fears. You are not RESPONSIBLE for your husband action nor your daughter actions, they are grown. This is about YOU and you ONLY.

It seem like you have been stuck for a long time and now it is time for you to rise. Stop sitting there waiting for them to get paid back. You are wasting to much time worrying about these peoples. They are going to do what the hell they want to do in life ANYWAY. Have you ever gave it a thought that while you was gone from the house that these two wasn't having sex right in that house. The same house that you allowed your daughter to lay her head. Please!!!!!

That is your daugther and I know that you love her but when you tried to help her out and she didn't take it. You should of threw her out the minute she disrespected you and let her see what it is like out there in the real world. But the husband should of been gone along time ago with his sorry soul, he has been disrespecting you for the longest.

Get yourself some HELP and let these two peoples GO....................

Nappy!

July 10, 2007
11:44 am
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nappy
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And one more thing urfool,

Some peoples on here are going to hurt your feeling, they hurted mines but that is not going to stop me from posting here on this site and that shouldn't make you to stop either.

If you want the truth and you want the pain to stop hurting, then face the truth sweetheart.

Nappy!

July 10, 2007
11:53 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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There is a difference between pointing out truth (which is not what this is...."I'm sorry but honestly, i believe you as a mother failed at some point. Children reflect with their actions alot of things, as she was growing up something went wrong. I'm sorry but a daughter doesn't disrespects a mother just like that for no reason, and show no guilt.") That statement comes from someone without children or someone who doesn't live in reality. This is sick...that is what some of these responses have been...and RUDE.

urfool42long...

I hope that you will continue to post. Understand that not all people here can relate to a lot of things...and several want to believe that they KNOW all of the answers, when that is not the case. A LOT of us here don't. While it is true that sometimes the truth hurts....what you have been given here is NOT truth. Nobody here has walked a mile in your shoes. I believe that you KNOW the truth with what is going on in the situation...and I believe that you will face it as you can. People are here to support you. In over a year that I have been coming to this site...VERY few times have I seen statements so boldly rude, and inconsiderate. I hope that you will find the support and friendship that you need. It can be found here. This site has changed my life...and I believe that it can change yours as well....

Love and Best wishes to you....

Mich

(((urfool42long)))) My heart goes out to you...

July 10, 2007
12:46 pm
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urfool4 2long
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Thankyou so much for the support to my reaction I felt from the "failed
mothering".When we're going through stuff like this you can get overwhelmed and you wonder which way is up(or out)

I am also astonished at the amount of responses that are urging me to get out NOW,(I'm not cussing)and I
dont see that in the other posts to
other people which helps me to see
the serious and drastic or shall I say toxic,quite a few have used that term,which I also havent seen before other than mine.

This all is helping me see and believe me,it is amazing how this crap can slither into your life and you grab your denial blanket,so I wont allow myself to stay a fool.

sad said no more daughter drama,well
some days my progress wont show physical action,but I will make calls
today.I will will will will will start there.OK

I love everyone who responds because like I said before I need YOU.

thankyou,love from urfool4 2long

July 10, 2007
12:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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ur(NOT)afool -

I think that what jumps out at US here is how long your husband has disrespected you prior to all this.

I think the daughter issue is just icing on the cake, straw that breaks the camel's back.

I think the reason for urging you to get out now is that until the daughter issue, there may not be such an urgency, BUT, you will would have been told that this relationship is toxic, he doesn't respect you and this isn't going to change, so you may as well plan to get out.

But since your daughter has gotten drawn into this - and BOTH have disrespected you - and NEITHER will leave your life on their own - your only choice is to walk away from both.

Both parties are at fault here...he could have turned her down - being his step father, he should have from the get go. Being your daughter, she shouldn't have made the advances or continued this. And visa versa should he been the one that put the moves on her. Either way, it was consentual and neither should have "gone there" given their relationship with you.

But they did.

And they continue to.

And reality is - nothing is going to change.

nothing changes if nothing changes.

so, it's up to you to make the change.

He has put you at risk for STD's this whole time. He has disrespected you. He has been unfaithful and uncaring. He has shown that you are not his priority. He seems to have NO concience.

And all this was PRIOR to the daughter thing. Like I said, this wasn't the first time and it won't be the last....the daughter was just icing on the cake.

So, getting out seems like the ONLY viable solution - as you won't change him...or her. And it's tearing you apart...and it's no way to live.

So yeah, that's why I am quick to tell you to leave.

Had you come here when your husband first cheated, years ago, I may have had different answers...but given how long this has dragged on and how awful it's gotten, I can't see many other options.

These people don't love you the way you deserve...in their own warped/twisted way, they may....but you need/deserve to be treated MUCH better...with alot more respect. Time to move on and take care of you and put these people behind you as best you can.

July 10, 2007
1:03 pm
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sad sack
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Good for you for making those phone calls. I will definitely consider that a positive step. Please read and re-read the advice you have received here. The people here are genuinely concerned. ANd let's face it- if everyone is saying basically the same thing, there must be some substance to it all.

And I agree with Atalose. Your "I can't work for three months" thing has got to go. We will not let you get by with that remark. It is an excuse and you have to realize that. Start looking today. Put as much effort into looking as you possibly can. I realize how hard it is to leave if you are not financially independent.

I wish you the best. You know we all do. Please keep posting and we will keep supporting. But NO MORE DENIAL remarks. We will call you on them. You can be sure of that.

Sad

July 10, 2007
1:28 pm
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jasminum sambac
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If an extra voice helps you, here's mine:

You need a second set of emotional connections, outside that house, quick. Counseling and support groups offline will help immediately; don't expect a quick fix, but do expect that it immediately will be a place to turn, and you need one right now

I don't know how old your parents are...if they're elderly, they may not be up to being that heavy-duty source of coaching and affirmation that counseling and alanon or other groups will give you. They'd help in other ways.

I agree with those who are saying you need to get away from these two people: both your husband and your daughter have been doing what they're doing for awhile, and have nothing that would force them to stop.

If you do manage to get out, and golly I hope you do, their relationship will collapse, or it will anyway, probably sooner than later, because they're both cheaters and users, and that kind of people don't like to be cheated on or used themselves. They'll get their karma; just let the universe take care of them, and it will. DON'T expect that tolerating them more will help them seem the light. They're not candidates for the talking cure.

Your daughter is 27 years old, old enough to support herself financially, and certainly old enough to be responsible for how she treats people. I STRONGLY AGREE with the people like Rising who insist that it's your DAUGHTER who is responsible for what she's doing as an adult. And it's your husband who is responsible for his cheating.

The whole codependent THING is based on a false perception, often shoved into our heads when we were kids, or when we were susceptible to this kind of brainwashing, that we're some kind of a (dysfunctional, but infinitely powerful) god, responsible for everybody, and supposed to take sh** from everybody.

No you're NOT the reason your daughter is treating you so bad. No you DON'T have to take it any more. Yes there ARE people elsewhere who will cherish your generosity AND reciprocate with fidelity and truthfulness.

Good luck, and I hope you tackle getting some support offline and getting out of that situation, as soon as you possibly can.

July 10, 2007
1:31 pm
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atalose
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There is an expression:

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

ur, you have begun to make changes, you came to this site, and you shared very painful and hurtful experiences and have begun to view things in your life differently. And you said you are going to make some phone calls and check into what may be available for you in your area. These are all positive things you are doing for you and to work towards healing from this toxic relationship.

We have all learned to take a few steps forward and not give up when we take a few step back. That’s all part of the healing process.

Rising suggested having a sit down talk with your parents, is that something that may be possible for you to do. What about any close friends who might have an extra room for you to use for awhile? Any relatives you might think of who could use your company.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 10, 2007
1:38 pm
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urfool4 2long
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Slam dunk wow oooohh wwhheeeee

tell it like it is,ok,man!You are all
very good,and you are lifting my spirits with support.I sure cant get away with being lazy,that's for sure!

Yes,I will re-read these continually.
Do you know what your'e doing for me?
With out you I'd be blah/crying/hope-
less.At least now I'm crying,while
looking through the jobs and places to live on Craigslist.

I am angry,I am hurt,I am mad that I have to change all my comfort zones,I have to be honest about that.
I am angry that I have to worry now,
even with employment.Do you know how old I am?Forget that,I do know that
I am getting my ticket to freedom,and I am going to have my self respect.I do notice the little bit I do go out(over to my g/f house)
that I do feel a sense of something lifted.I laugh and feel good.

So thanks for telling me I cant get away with stuff keep it up for me,I am listening and boy oh boy the response from risingfromtheashes,how do you people hit it right on the head,the way of explaining is so right on the money,believe me you are amazing.You are all my light at the end of the tunnel.

TTTThhhankyou,from me

July 10, 2007
1:44 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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you said "I lost my joy,and smile which is one thing everyone always admired about me through the toughest of times".

I would LOVE to see you get your smile and joy back!

July 10, 2007
1:47 pm
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urfool4 2long
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Hi atalose had some good questions that make sense,so I investigated my g/f place she lives,there is a room there but it's 800.00 a month(gee,guess what state I live in)plus deposit.There is a place that will help me with deposit,but you need to prove employment and not new employment,but there will be other alternatives.(I'm starting to get excited instead of depressed)and my parents,there is no way right now to sit and talk with them.But if I start to lay out what has been going on,I think they may come around for me.

I did start a look for jobs,and right now,I am going to get in the shower.I want to get out of here b4 he wakes up

dont let go of me i love you people

July 10, 2007
1:54 pm
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jasminum sambac
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I don't know what you're heading into. If it's a quick move or you have to leave a computer access behind, public libraries nowadays often have computers & allow people to sign in and use them for an hour, free. Call your branch or your central public library; they'll tell you.

Stay in touch, ur.

July 10, 2007
2:02 pm
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sad sack
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Hi!

I am very glad that you are feeling excited rather than depressed.

Now, I have a question. $800 just for a room? Of course, you do not have to reveal this information if you don't want to, but I was just wondering if you live in New York? If so, I can give you a great website that will give you information about a program that is funded by the government. It provides funding for job training. It is a great resource. Well anyway, I was just curious since you mentioned the high cost of a room rental.

Have a good day.

Sad

July 10, 2007
9:15 pm
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stabbedheart
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I sincerely want to apoligize for hurting your feelings, that was not my intention. After reading wat i wrote and others people response, i realized the mistake i made by judging you that way. Everyone is right your children's chooses don't have anything to do with the way you raised them. I would never blame my mother for my mistakes.

I really hope that you find the help that you need, i know you will. It's going to take time but it's going to be woorth it. Remember YOU are the important one, take care of yourself.

Take care and good luck!!!
stabbedhearted

July 10, 2007
10:02 pm
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atalose
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stabbedheart,

It's very admirable of you to apologize and I hope urfool understands. We all react out of emotions at times. I for one have learned the hard way about making judgments, half the time I never realized that I was doing that in a lot of areas of my life. Again I think it’s very meaningful you apologized and I do admire that. Thank you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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