Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Husband never home
January 11, 2006
10:51 am
Avatar
mamabear
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dandysandy,
keep us updated šŸ™‚

January 12, 2006
11:32 am
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ok, so yesterday I tried calling him between 4 & 6 and he wouldn't answer. He said he was working and then gave someone a ride home. So, I said then you shouldn't have any calls between 4 & 6 correct? He said yes, well, i looked at it on line this a.m. and sure enough, there's calls incoming and outgoing. He lies. We had counseling last night and it was a good session (he even said it himself). Afterwards he says to me in the car, "well, that was a good rip on ---- (him) session" I said I'm sorry if you took it that way. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. I still haven't been able to get ahold my indivuidual therapist. I'm thinking I may need to see someone else. Any referrals? I need to work on assertiveness.

January 12, 2006
11:48 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sandy,

you may very well be able to change your own feelings - but you cannot change his lying.

if he is not going to own up to the lies and deceit, he is not going to change it either.

it's sad that you have to play detective.

I know how it feels to do that and to find out lies.

and it's sad that your relationship has no level of trust - and for good reason.

but you are invading his privacy, so the trust issues go both ways.

I think you need to decide what you are willing to accept, tolerate and live with - regarding his lies - cuz it doesn't appear this will change anytime soon. And you can ONLY CHANGE YOU - so the only decision you have to make is what do YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT YOU. Not what do you want to do about him - you can't do anything about him - only he can.

January 12, 2006
11:53 am
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

That's hard. I want our marriage to work but I can't live with dishonesty the rest of my life. šŸ™ Hmmm...... šŸ™ What to do?

January 12, 2006
12:17 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, the marriage comes with the dishonesty.

and you can't have what you want - so now you have to decide what you want INSTEAD.

trying to get a different result with the same action is the definition of insanity.

trying to make your marriage work even though he will continue to lie - insanity.

like trying to pound a square peg in a round hole - no matter how hard you pound - it isn't gonna work.

bottom line is - you can have your marriage - but you will need to deal with the dishonesty.

or you can walk away from the dishonesty and leave the marriage behind as well.

he is who he is - a liar - and you need to decide if you want to continue to be married to that....cuz you have NO POWER to change HIM.

it's a tough spot - it sucks to believe you have no control - but that's the honest truth to all of it.

you told him you wouldn't tolerate the lying - and he continues.

now you need to "grow a backbone where your wishbone has been" and decide on the consequences for him lying to you.

I am not trying to be mean or harsh - just honest.

January 12, 2006
2:19 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks. I think one thing that keeps me hanging on too is hearing other couples say that they had major problems at first but after x amount of years they are happier than ever. The only thing is, I don't want to wait for x amount of years. What if we don't have that many years left to live? They shouldn't be spent miserably. You are absolutely right. I CAN'T change HIM. Yes, a backbone would be nice. Why am I so weak? That's the hard part. Thank you so much for your input!

January 12, 2006
6:32 pm
Avatar
mamabear
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dandysandy,
Ali has great advice as always.

Having said that, sometimes it is easy to know what to do, but hard to actually do it. You know what I mean? I have trouble with that myself, lots of great knowledge, but wimpy when it comes to putting it into action.

Anyhow, about the couples who had hard times but they got better, I think that has to do with the fact that BOTH spouses wanted things to get better. If he is still lying to you, what does that mean? Does it mean he is not trying? Or that he doesn't care about the marriage? Or that he wants to stop but is addicted to lying?

Only he knows. You may know somewhat, but honestly, he is the only one that can say for sure.

Why does he tell you he lies? Did you confront him about not answering the phone and telling you there were no calls when apparently there are?

And what do you mean you looked online and saw, your phone company posts activity?

Confused and sorry I'm not much help
Mamabear

January 12, 2006
9:16 pm
Avatar
bonita1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dandy,

It doesn't matter why he lies. He lies because he is hiding something from you. This was the case with my soon to be x husband. He was a recovering alcoholic/addict, ex-con, and he lied because that was what he did the best, because deep down he didn't want to change but he wanted to keep hanging on to me for as long as he could.

Addicts lie, they cheat, they steal. Mine did all of the above AND he was UNFAITHFUL. Soooo, bottom line is that your husband may have married you BUT he doesn't want to be married... he wants to continue in the life that he knew as an addict...

I'm sorry, hon. But, sometimes you just have to cut your losses and move on. He will never stop the lies.

January 13, 2006
11:38 am
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I mean on line with the cell phone company (t-mobile). And he lied again last night. Said he would pick up my daughter from the babysitters since he had the day off (and this was @ 5 last night). He didn't. He said his battery died in his truck and when I tried calling him he wouldn't answer. Once again.....calls were made. I need to get a backbone seriously. This lying is driving me nuts. What's holding me back?

January 13, 2006
12:09 pm
Avatar
mamabear
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm sorry honey, it doesn't sound hopeful. I think you should take Ali's above advice.

"I decided "what would I do to make me happy if he wasn't here".

In other words - I decided how to "recover" if I ended the relationship.

THEN -

I did it anyway - even tho he wasn't gone.

Pretend like you already left him - act like you don't care what he is doing - look at yourself and your actions and your goals. And follow through on what YOU need to do. "

That is what I would try to do, he is obviosly not honoring you or you marriage contract. Didn't he promise to love, honor, and CHERISH you when you got married? Do you honestly think he is even trying to do that? I would think long and hard about what I was going to do and then just do it.

Love and hugs,
Mamabear

January 13, 2006
12:13 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sandy,

I think that mamabear was dead on.

the stories you hear are about partners who WANT to save their marriage. BOTH WANT to save it - and work hard to.

you can't save a sinking ship alone if the other person in the boat is saying "what leak, where???" and in complete denial and refusal to do anything about it - or even acknowledge it.

His saying "ok" to you the other night was NOT an admission of wanting to fix things - simply an acknowledgement that he understands your terms.

He is probably waiting to see if you will follow thru with them.

he does not respect you if he is going to continue this behaviour to "test" you - and see how far you will go with it. someone who loves you will ask what he can do to make things better.

I wonder if he IS testing you. What I mean is - he says his phone is out of order, you know it isn't. You violate his privacy by going online to look it up. And he may know this. So he is setting you up to be the bad guy - the one that is snooping on him. He may be intentionally lying to see if you call him on it - so he can point the finger back at you and say it's your fault cuz you were snooping and he wanted to catch you at it.

I had a similar situation with my boyfriend - and I got busted. And I had to confess that I did listen to his voice mails. And then, to go forward, I had to stop doing it. Cuz I WAS violating his privacy. He wasn't lying about anything - what I heard could have been interpreted many ways. But your guy IS lying - and because he is a good liar - he can probably cover it up pretty good and make it "your fault" somehow.

I think you are fighting a no win situation.

I think what's holding you back is your hope that things could change. And denial that this is failing.

Nobody WANTS their relationship to end. And everyone THINKS there is something they can do personally to fix it. But sometimes, it's out of your control.

You have a daughter - is this the kind of man you want her to end up with??????? children live what they learn. the life she sees now is likely the life she will duplicate in her adulthood. think about her, sometimes it's easier to do things for the good of the kids, if we can't do them for the good of ourselves.

January 13, 2006
12:24 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, my daughter is my precious šŸ™‚ I love your advice. I think that I lack self confidence and that's partly why i stay. I always feel like i need reassurance. I wonder constantly why he would continue to push the limits and overstep the boundaries knowing full well it is destroying our relationship yet he says he loves me and wants to work it out. It drives me nuts. And yes, my daughter, she deserves the VERY BEST and it's up to me to give it to her. He sucks šŸ™ Thanks ladies! šŸ™‚ You truly help me to see things clearly.

January 13, 2006
1:00 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dandysandy,

It sounds like your husband has a lot of issues. He may be a complusive liar but he doesn't show any interest in working on that.

It sounds impossible to have a healthy relationship with him. He doesn't even show any concern for your feelings.

Intimacy requires total openness and honesty. It seems that your husband lacks the capacity to do this.

You have very valid reasons to leave your marriage.

It is hard and scary to leave a marriage. I know because I left mine a long time ago. I gave him a year's notice that either we work on our problems and see a marriage counselor or I am gone.

That year came and went without any change in my ex. He put his head straight into the sand. He didn't believe me and he was too embarrased to go to a counselor.

I left after one year. Then he begged and pleaded for me to come back. He would do ANYTHING. He would go to marriage counseling. But it was too late. I had built up a lot of anger over that year.

I was concerned about wasting my precious child bearing years on a man that I did not want to spend the rest of my life with.

I would not stay in a marriage or a relationship that my partner doesn't want to work on and who doesn't show any respect for my feelings.

As long as you stay in this marriage it will be hard to raise your self-esteem because you are giving yourself the message that your feelings aren't important, that your needs are not important.

The reality is that they are VERY important and need to be taken seriously including my you.

January 13, 2006
1:06 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are right. Getting the courage to leave is hard but I believe I've known for a while that in order to be happy again I must do it. It does make me sad to think that my marriage would end and that this person that I fell in love with would/is no longer be close to me. I need to remember though that he has chosen to lie and distance himself from me/us (my daughter & me). I'm so forgiving and weak that it's hard to leave. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Where can I get some courage?

January 13, 2006
1:16 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dandysandy,

keep telling yourself you have a lot of courage. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, "I am very impressed by how courageous you are!"
The more you tell yourself the more you'll start to feel it. Imagine feeling totally courageous.

Remind yourself that you have very valid reasons to leave the marriage.

Remind yourself that you deserve to have a full marriage where your needs are taken very seriouly.

I know that feeling of saddness leaving someone you were in-love with. Leaving a marriage is a loss. Just be willing to feel the saddness but don't let it stop you from taking care of you.

Develop a plan for your daughter and yourself. Get all the support you can inaddition to the support here.

You can do it! you will be fine! you will be honoring yourself! Realize that the odds of your husband changing are very small.

January 13, 2006
1:21 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Unfortunately, they don't bottle it.

I know for me, the one thing that always motivates me is my daughter.

I may not always want what's best for me - but I ALWAYS want what's best for her.

And in the end - that always encourages me to fix things.

Do you want your daughter to have a husband like her father?...use that as a guiding light.

January 13, 2006
1:45 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also use my inner child. I want her to feel happy and taken care of. I love my inner child very much and taking care of her needs is a priority to me.

I don't have any children but that would certainly motivate me also.

January 13, 2006
1:59 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dandysandy,

I was were you are two months ago. I caught him in lies and it was driving me crazy--except he left me unexpectedly last month, but that is a whole other story----

I know what your going through, and sense that you would be willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work--however remember it takes two---You are dancing alone when your husband continues to lie to you. I'm so very sorry for what you are going through.

I would like to reccommend a book that was very helpful to me: When Your Lover is a Liar, by Susan Forward, Ph.D.

I suspect one of the reasons that you don't leave him (besides loving him) is because you are terrified of the GRIEF you will experience if you finally decide to leave. It takes a lot of courage to end a relationship because of all the doubts, withdrawal, and longing that naturally occur after a relationship ends.

You will leave (OR NOT) when YOU are ready. An individual counselor will help you make a decision you can live with.

When you feel you have done everything in your power to help improve the situation, and he still doesn't change, then and ONLY then will you feel comfortable leaving---- This is ofcourse my humble opinion (correct me if I'm wrong).

Alicat offers great advice. Yes, work on yourself now. In time, I trust you will know if you want to remain married to him (and his lying)or not.

Wishing you the best and rooting for you no matter what you decide.... definately not an easy position to be in at all.

January 13, 2006
2:15 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow! You guys(girls) are AWESOME!! Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. I will keep you posted.....

January 13, 2006
2:17 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh you may benefit from reading my former post (pre-breakup) titles Obsessed with finding his lies. Hope this helps.

January 13, 2006
2:34 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Pathfinder......is it titled "Obessed with finding his lies"? I searched but couldn't find it.

January 13, 2006
2:55 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

this is the exact spelling "obsesssed with finding his lies" dated December 7, 2005

You can also just search using the word "lies" and search that way.... let me know if you find it.

January 13, 2006
3:01 pm
Avatar
pathfinder
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ooops sorry....

wrong again it is "obsessed with finding proof of his lies"

Sorry for the mix up. I got it that way.

January 13, 2006
3:20 pm
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, I found it!!! Thank you! And I think I'm in the same boat. He isn't going to change nor is he interested in trying. I've got to get the courage up. I think I'll try the affirmations that were suggested. I'm so glad I found this website! Thanks everyone!

January 16, 2006
11:04 am
Avatar
dandysandy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well,here's a twist........We had a GREAT weekend! My husband picked up my daughter and spent alot of time with me this weekend. This is what keeps me holding on.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110914
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714200
Newest Members:
Striker1s, marcusz, Keara, Venn, Jolebio, loni89
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer