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Husband never home
January 9, 2006
3:18 pm
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dandysandy
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My husband & I have been married for almost 2 years. For about a year now he has been gone alot. I mean, he uses the excuse everyday that he has to go help one of his friends. He's gone for hours, alot of times he won't answer his phone. He always has an excuse. It's depressing. I've told him I'm unhappy & he keeps telling me things will get better. I don't even like him much anymore. There's no trust. There's alot of resentment. But for some reason when it comes down to it I can't make him leave. I feel I'm weak. What do I do?

January 9, 2006
3:21 pm
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CAMER
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((welcome dandy)) obviously your husband should care more about how you feel, and this is bothering you....not for him to say things will get better....but are they really???

I would sit down and talk with him, and tell him there may be some trust issues and you have resentment.

Has he ever cheated on you in the past or has a history of being unfaithful???

January 9, 2006
3:24 pm
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dandysandy
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He's never cheated (that i know of) but I've looked up his #s on line from his cell phone and called a few, they have all been female and don't indicate having any relations with him. Oh, he was SO mad when I did that. He said he felt violated. We've started marriage counseling. I've told him how i feel, he says he will work on it. I don't know how much more i can or should take. I don't want to just walk away, i take marriage seriously. ???? Thanks for responding.

January 9, 2006
3:26 pm
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Anonymous
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Has he given you a reason not to trust him? meaning have you found out he is lying?

how old are you and he?

how long were you together before this?

I think it's important to have outside interests and hobbies, but at the same time, paying attention to your partner's needs is important too. It's a balancing act.

I would stop worrying about him - and worry about you. What makes YOU happy???? (besides him) What do YOU like to do???? What can you do to improve your quality of life and living????

I think that if we fill ourselves up with the attention and focus we give away to other people - we feel better about the world. And then we can decide what to do about the rest of the stuff. And you are happy from within, it may help your relationship. It may not - don't do it for that purpose - it's just a nice side effect.

It's not his job to make you happy - it's yours. Things will only get better when you decide they will.

And holding onto resentments is like holding onto a hot coal - it's you that gets burned.

Why is there no trust? what causes the resentments? do those resentments look like anything from your childhood???

January 9, 2006
3:27 pm
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taj64
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That is first thing that comes to my mind is cheating but that is just a guess. But obviously something goin on. Underneath it all there is still love for him but easy to see that yes you don't like what he is doing. Having a heart to heart talk and express your needs and desire is the best advice I can give. And he needs to be more communicative of what he doing and give clues as to why it is not better and that it will get better. You need to know. Without trust, a relationship is usually unsuccessful. You have to figure out why you don't trust him.

January 9, 2006
3:28 pm
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dandysandy
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I have caught him lying and he still lies. You are so right though! It is up to me to make myself happy. However, wondering every day if i will see my husband that night or night is depressing.

January 9, 2006
3:30 pm
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CAMER
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Dandy, why does he lie??? and are they big lies??? cuz all of the lies plays well into the "trust" part, and if he continues to lie, i don't see the relationship getting any healthier.

January 9, 2006
3:32 pm
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Lostrose
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By any chance that you know of has he ever used drugs? Are there days he doesn't come home at night? Does his phone ring quite a bit? When he is home does he seem paranoid? Has he been losing weight?

Just something to think about.

January 9, 2006
3:52 pm
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dandysandy
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We both have been through treatment for drug abuse. I've wondered if he had relapsed but he eats, he sleeps, he holds a job and when you do meth (the drug we both used to do before we went through treatment) you can't function. I don't know why he lies. Stupid lies. Like, I followed him one time and he was sitting in front of his friends house and told me he was driving home. Why lie? I don't get it. Yes, the trust went out the window a while back. I've told him this but it's like he doesn't get it. ????

January 9, 2006
7:53 pm
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alycia
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Who r all these women anyhow? Why are u not invited anywhere? Where is he off too all the time? Does he want marriage or to just do what he likes? Something needs to change here. Whats goin on that he wont answer the phone? This shit has gotta stop as ur gonna go mad, he needs to tell u where he is for hrs on end.. He needs to take more time out for you, do u guys go out for dinner, movies. away on weekends like you should be... I would be asking if if he wants a marriage cause counselling wont help, this guy needs to change... It all sounds a bit fishy to me... Only u can make it change cause u cant keep living like this... he needs to start being a husband, i would be throwing ultimatums his way cause he is outta control

January 10, 2006
2:16 am
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Lass
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I'm kinda with Alycia on this one. I have male friends I call a lot, but I have informed my husband that I have 'em and I call 'em. If he ever called 'em, I would understand it to mean I had made him feel insecure enough about us to do it.

Maybe you guys could try doing all the regular stuff together: grocery shopping, errands... just stick together.

LL

January 10, 2006
2:17 am
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Lass
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Adding:

You may not be aware, but my husband is the King of not home much. He is wanting my company more these days though. He and I are drawing closer just by going to the movies, or on errands together.

January 10, 2006
12:01 pm
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dandysandy
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Well, last night I told him........."This is what I want in a marriage......This is how it's going to be.....And if he can't provide that then we're through" I said "Your friends are not a part of this marriage and you & I have no life together right now. It will change RIGHT NOW or we're through. " I said sorry for sounding like a b**** but I can't do this anymore. He said OK and so we'll see. Now I have to stick to my guns. I caught him lying again yesterday, telling me his phone was off when I tried to call 3 times but on line he was answering calls at the time. Thank you guys for your feedback, I appreciate it.

January 10, 2006
1:04 pm
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Lass
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Good for you, Dandy. Be consistent. Be ready to back up your words. You may not get the result you are after with the husband. You may get yourself free, however. And you will have a chance to have what it is you want either way because you have asked for what you want and need. Now look at what you get, and base your decisions on that.

LL

January 10, 2006
1:11 pm
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Anonymous
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Did he ONLY say OK?

I guess my thought is that perhaps he was saying "OK, the marriage is over", and not "OK, things will change".

I am only making this assumption on the fact that he said "ok" and nothing more.

January 10, 2006
2:05 pm
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dandysandy
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He only said ok but it was like ok, I hear you, ok. I have a feeling I will have to ask him to leave soon. šŸ™ I wish I would've found this site earlier on. Thanks you guys! šŸ™‚

January 10, 2006
2:12 pm
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Anonymous
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yeah - as I said - it could be that okay did NOT mean he will change his habits - just that he understands the rules and consequences.

January 10, 2006
2:17 pm
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dandysandy
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Yes, you're right. But at least he knows exactly what I am wanting. If I can stick to it then I'm a winner for standing up for myself. (I've always had low self esteem and had trouble with being assertive).
Thanks.

January 10, 2006
2:54 pm
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mamabear
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I may sound totally off the wall here, but I would like to say this one thing... marriage has many seasons, many ups and downs.

Not to discount the lying, because obviously that is major, BUT, you say that you regard marriage highly, and I say it is too easy to give up.

Sometimes when you feel like something is too hard, and you want to give up, that is exactly when you need to NOT give up.

I have been through the husband is never around thing too. I live with it alot, so I hear you and your lonliness. But, you are in counseling, why don't you just do as Alicat says and work on yourself for a while.

I have found from my personal experience that working on me has made me happier in my marriage. My husband and I have different ideas about what marriage should be. I've had to come to terms with that... and the fact that he will never be the want to be with you all the time kind of guy I wish he was. But, I married him for a reason (I love him), I believe marriage is forever (not withstanding abuse of course) and I wouldn't leave for the world.

Not that I haven't ever thought about it, I'll be honest, there have been times when I wanted to and almost walked away, but then I would have missed some of the best times of my life.

You just have to decide what is important to you, and follow your own heart. Every situation is different, but I had to add my two cents, seeing as how I live with a husband who is not around a lot. BUT- my husband is always truthful, so that is a BIG difference between us.

January 10, 2006
3:05 pm
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dandysandy
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I understand. It's hard because one side of me wants to stick it out and knows that people sometimes go through really hard times in a marriage and then end up happier than ever. And they say it's worth the trials. On the other hand, when there is no trust how do you keep a loving relationship going? I don't see it happening. I don't trust him. I deserve to be treated better. And I want to be happy. I want to make the right decision and I truly believe that if I work on myself I will be more likely to do just that. In the meantime though......How do I deal with the dishonesty, lack of responsibility, and feeling like I'm the only one working at this marriage?

January 10, 2006
3:20 pm
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taj64
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well the only way I see it is that by working on yourself, putting yourself first, developing your self esteem and getting your head clear you will be able to make a better decision. You are hurting right now, so it must be tough to make a decision. Trust can be earned however both partners have to be committed in this endeavor. It has to be proven. Without trust, relationships do not work, plain and simple. You deserve a healthy love. You deserve a person that respects you and most of all you need to respect yourself. You said it yourself that you want to be happy. Well the only person that can do this is YOU. Your husband cannot bring you happiness. If you start with yourself, and not focus on him, the pretty soon he will have to be stuck with himself and realize he is the one that needs to change. In any case change is good. Staying stuck in the same situation will be just that, stuck in a rut.

January 10, 2006
3:27 pm
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mamabear
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I'm trying to think of the thread and whose it was that talked about trust being like a bank account, and everytime you are lied to it is like a withdrawal when there should only be deposits, it may come to me in a bit.

But, I hear what you are saying, and yes it is hard. Somebody used to tell me that marriage is not 50/50, it has to be 110/110. Meaning that you have to BOTH give 110% for it to work.

I can't tell you how to get over those feelings, but I can offer my support and give you a pat on the back for working on you.

I actually used to keep a secret calender (like a small planner type) and write in it little things that my husband did that I either liked or didn't like....and at the end of the day, write either a happy, sad, or neutral face I decided within myself that I would do this for the next three months and at the end of that time I would reevaluate. If there was a big difference between the sad faces and the happy, then I would think about leaving. During that time, I really tried to focus on me and my growth and watch my moods and take note of all the little things that he did to either hurt me or please me. I also put stars for the days when we made love.

Well, at the end of the three months, I realized that there were more good times than I had thought, and that he did little things to be thoughtful and appreciative of me and what I did for him. I wasn't as unhappy as I had thought. I also realized that I was one of those people that seems to thrive on drama, and when there wasn't any I tended to stir some up.

Working on me really helped, and even to this day years later, it still does.

I just don't know what to tell you about the lying, except really dig it out in your marriage counseling.

Trust is SO BIG, I don't know how you can have a relationship without it. I feel for you,I really do.

I also remember when I had only been married two years (it will be eight next month) and how hard it was. At least your husband goes to counseling with you! THat is a big plus, mine wouldn't even consider it.

Love and hugs,
Mamabear

January 10, 2006
3:30 pm
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Anonymous
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sandy,

I had the same questions - only it was my BF, not my husband.

And ONLY UNTIL I figured it out, was I able to see true happiness.

This is how I figured it out -

I decided "what would I do to make me happy if he wasn't here".

In other words - I decided how to "recover" if I ended the relationship.

THEN -

I did it anyway - even tho he wasn't gone.

I am doing the work to raise my self esteem and my self worth even though he is in the house. I pay attention to MY ROUTINE I need to do - and the heck with him.

I am not THAT cruel - but, I have created a routine that has down time I can spend with him - but for the most part, he must respect my "routine" that is working to build my esteem.

In return - my esteem and happiness is soaring - and he has noticed and we are getting along better because of it.

I am NOT working ON MY RELATIONSHIP.

I am working on ONLY ME.

Pretend like you already left him - act like you don't care what he is doing - look at yourself and your actions and your goals. And follow through on what YOU need to do.

Things may get better - things may not.

If they do - AWESOME! If they don't - you are no worse off than if you left him now....only the "what if's" might not be so huge.

January 10, 2006
4:22 pm
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dandysandy
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ok so I will work on me.............
thanks for your support and advice šŸ™‚ i'm sure i'll be back tomorrow to get through another day

January 10, 2006
4:32 pm
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mamabear
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Awesome advice from Ali, as always šŸ™‚

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