Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
Husband has told wife that he has changed how does husband prove to her that hes changed
August 24, 2005
3:04 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would like to correct the last statement I made. I believe that people mean nothing to my father. I did not mean to imply that people mean nothing to you.

August 24, 2005
4:24 pm
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To Everyone,
The reason I did what I did was because I have a problem which a lot of you don't understand what impulsive control disorder is and until you understand that I couldn't control my temper and yes it was a lovin gesture on her part to help me find the help I had been askin her for 5 yrs to find. ya'll look atone side and don't try to understand both sides and want to run the abuser down the way you have instead of tryin to help him then I would suggest that you look at why you are the way you are. I just stated that I just got out of a psych ward and I understand the problem I have I didn't say that a week was enough I know that without my medication and therapy I'm not goin to get better so if you want to be mad at me then fine be that way but you ought to be happy for me that I found help for my problem and that I will continue to get help for that problem so I can be a better stronger man. Everyone here wants to stand in judgement of me then fine I don't care anymore. At least the help I got was more than any of you were willing to offer. This will be my last post because I don't need the negative feedback from a bunch of judgemental people

August 24, 2005
4:31 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

trkr002 -

you can't blame us - you are coming into a "room" full of abused people - as the abuser - of course we are not going to be kind - not after you promised you were good and then hurt your wife the first shot you got...yes, you have a medical condition, but doesn't excuse the pain you caused.

think of this - if you had a child and were in a room with a bunch of other children, and a known child molester, who previously said he was changed, yet committed the crime again and now said he is fixing his problem again, came into the room, you would take your child and all the children and RUN - not stand there and give the child molester a chance to "prove" how much he/she had changed. Child molesters have diseases too, but it does not mean we have to risk the welfare of the ones we love letting him/her prove it.

we all wished you well in your recovery - but at the same time, we all hope you love your wife enough to let her go and find peace on her own.

August 24, 2005
4:37 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Everyone deserves to recover from pain. But I agree with Ali, let her go, you cause her deep pain and sometimes you cannot go back. Even with help you may not ever be able to give this woman what she deserves. Also you are manipulating by saying go ahead and be mad, when actually the truth is too hard for you to hear.

August 24, 2005
4:43 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You want to run away at the first site of criticism, you cannot handle the truth, you allow your precious wife to put up with it but when someone from the outside world speaks their mind, you should listen. We all here on this site know of her pain. We are not judging you. I did not see anyone judging you. We are expressing our concern for your wife. If you are concerned about her welfare, you will stay out of her life, you will not hurt her again. The site you should be on is a site for abusive husbands. Doubtful you will find sympathy if that is what you are looking for.

August 24, 2005
5:04 pm
Avatar
lollipop3
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Trkr,

First, I'd like to fix a typo.....I will NOT allow myself to be manipulted futher by you. Although I'm sure you knew what I meant.

I agree with taj that you are continuing to manipulate by using guilt evoking tactics toward us. "You can be mad at me if you want to", "everyone wants to stand in judgement...I don't care anymore", "this will be my last post....I don't need negative feedback".

What did you expect to hear? How we feel sorry for you that you beat up your wife and forced her to have sex with you? How sad it must be that you feel the need to hold a knife to her?

If you are serious about your recovery than you had better start accepting reality. You don't get an "atta boy...at least you tried" when you lure your wife to a hotel and procede to beat her to the point that she fears for her life. Sorry, life doesn't work that way.

Start accepting responsibilty for your actions.

One of the things that you mentioned was that your wife finally got you the help you needed after you've been asking her to do it for 5 years......How is that HER job to get you the help that YOU need?!?!?
Where is your responsibilty to get help for yourself?

It is not her job to fix you. It is not her job to get you help. It is not her job to take your abuse. It is not our job to make you feel better about the fact that you beat your wife.

It is YOUR job and it is YOUR responsiblity to get the help that you need. And she, nor we....have to be subjected to your control, manipulation, lies, abuse, etc.

I will say again, as others here have said as well.....I do hope that you get help. I do think that IF you get that help and IF you do change your ways, that you are entitled to forgiveness....as we all are. But certainly not until then.

Good luck,
Lolli

August 24, 2005
5:12 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think you are entitled to forgiveness if you genuinely recover from this - but do not believe you deserve the privelege of another chance with your wife.

threatening to take another person's life, RAPING them, kidnapping/luring them to a hotel room - these are all felonies, PERIOD.

If you went to court with this, you MAY get off on a "mental illness" plea, but remain locked in a mental ward for a long time. But your actions appear premeditated - and so I don't know if that would truly fly....only a jury would be able to judge that after a fair trial, which we cannot give you here.

We are sorry you have a mental illness, but if you were sick for that long and KNEW IT, it was YOUR responsibility that you failed to get help prior to this - imagine, if you did get help yourself - 5 years ago - you would have never gotten to this point and you would have saved your wife this much pain - as well as yourself - you have to take responsibility for that.

no amount of guilt tactics are gonna work on us here - and I pray they won't work on your wife either.

August 24, 2005
6:00 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

trkr002:

I fully understand what impulsive control disorder is. I lived with it for 12 years. I also have a son w/ this diagnosis. IF you will stay on your medication and follow thru w/ your therapy you will be able to keep this under control. While ICD can be violent it is not a planned act. If it were it would not be impulsive. Seems by reading the posts you coaxed and prodded for help in getting your wife to meet you. Planned? Impulsive? Kinda went on a bit longer than an impluse act would I'd say.

You said.... " ya'll look at one side and don't try to understand both sides and want to run the abuser down the way you have instead of tryin to help him then I would suggest that you look at why you are the way you are." I think that an unfair statement. I thnk the folks kind enough to answer you have been understand, have tried to help. What I see in your post is typical abuser senerio... You apologize, you justify, then you make start accusing and then it's all the other person's fault. Now you are the victim?

We are the way we are because of what folks like you subjected us to. We are sufferers of severe anxiety, constant fear, mental duress, no self-esteem, post traumatic stress. Have you ever been so afraid you sat in a corner of your house all night w/ a gun in your hands because you were afraid of your spouse coming home? Have you ever had so much fear inside you that you could not leave your house for months? years? Ponder those questions a few minutes.

How about instead of throwing mud at us, who have suffered at the hands of folks like you, look up these illnesses. Check out POST TRAUMATIC STRESS. Look at what YOU and folks like you cause. Look at what you have done to your wife instead of being so very worried about your poor self.

I truly do hope you will take my words and the words of the others here to heart. I hope it will make you so angry that you go do the research and then you realize what the facts are. I hope the words you read here will prompt you to get the help you need and stay with the therapy till you are fully educated and better. Do this for you wife's sake. I admire her ability to stand up to you. Bless her.

I am also sorry that I sound harsh. This is a subject that is so very hard for most to deal with. I truly do hope you get better. I hope you will heal and then use your education and experience to change other abusers. Make it your life's goal. Rise above and help others to heal after you have healed.

I wish you the best. Truly.

August 25, 2005
8:09 am
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To Everyone,
I'm not tryin to make anyone feel guilty about anything. I'm not runnin from criticism. Anger and violence was the only way I knew how to deal with alot of things. but since I was in the hospital I did learn how to deal with things in an alternative manner. There were people there that really help me understand why I am the way I am. I know now that I have a problem and I am gettin the help I need. I have taken a lot of responsibility for it. I can only get better from here with my medication and therapy I will get better it's a day by day deal

August 28, 2005
2:31 pm
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To Everyone,
I thought I could control it on my own and found out I couldn't. Now that I am gettin the help I need and takein the meds I need to take for my problem I have a lot more control. My wife and I have been talkin since I got out and she and I are talkin about gettin back together. I'm sorry to anyone that I have hurt on here and them think I have manipulated. I know I have a long way to go still. Like I said I'm gettin better one day at a time and it's a day by day situation with me.

Trkr002

August 28, 2005
10:36 pm
Avatar
Matteo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you are sincere in what you are saying, and are really going to stick to that, and get better through medication, therapy, eduacation, meditation, whatever else you need to get better, than go for it, and good luck!

It is to your advantage to recognize that you have a problem and get better. Most abusers are in full control of their actions and don't suffer from impulsive control disorder, or any other disorder; they choose to abuse, and very rarely they are sincerely seeking help for their behavior.

Having said that, I think you should give your wife space instead of talking about getting together. She experienced ongoing trauma and needs to heal on her own, find herself again, and live free from the abuse. She has a right to live free from abuse, from control, fear and violence. If you do care about her, you would support her in this. After a while, if you will still be working on your behavior, and she will decide that she wants to be again with you - only then you should talk about if you want to get back together. It should be your wife to decide if she again wants to live with you or not. In order to be able to decide on her own, she must be able to heal, gain back self-esteem, self-respect, and the joy of life which you took from her.

You are not going to heal for your wife, but for yourself, to become a better person in the future. If you will, if after a year or even a few years your wife will see you a changed man, then maybe she will give you another chance. Any other course of action on your side, at this point will only look like (and most probably will be) your effort to gain her trust again in order to get her back.

September 5, 2005
10:59 am
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To Everyone,
Right now I have started my therapy and yes I'm really stickin to what I have told everyone especially my wife. I know I can't heal for her that I have to heal for myself which I'm doin. I know I can't control this all on my own and I do need help which I have sought and gotten I'm hopein it won't be for the rest of my life or take the medication for the rest of my life. But if I do then I know that it's all for the best. I asked my therapist if it's advisable to work on myself and my wife work on herself and if we can work on our marriage at the same time and she said yes we can and it is advisable. I hope that soon she will trust me more than she does now. But that will take time I know but I am willing to try and get her to trust me and maybe someday she'll be in love with me again like she first was.

Trkr002

September 5, 2005
11:15 am
Avatar
36 inch inseam
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good for you and your effort. Trust is one of those things that is earned and not just given. Time will tell and that's all you can do. Continue getting healthy for yourself, not just to win her back and let be what will be.

September 5, 2005
11:53 am
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hesitate to ask, but I have a morbid curiousity - have you any insight into why you hurt your wife?

September 5, 2005
1:52 pm
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jamaicanwife
Yes I do know why I hurt her. Yes I have taken responsibility for what I have done and I'm doin something about it and also I have gotten the help I need to make sure this never happens again.

Trkr002

September 5, 2005
10:08 pm
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Do you mind explaining it to me? What was it that drove you to do those things?

September 8, 2005
10:25 am
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Jamaicanwife,
No i don't mind. As you know I went into the hospital back in August of this year. I found out I had a problem controling my temper which I couldn't do by myself. from what I have learned thru therapy so far it comes from when I was kid seeing my dad abuse and beat my mom and me. We are not born this way. Some people can control their temper and some people prefer to abuse their loved ones. But as for me and I'm not looking for pity or to be forgiven for what I've done. They told me after my accident in 1994 the head trauma could have brought out a chemical imbalance in me. Which had gotten way out of control. Now that I know I couldn't control it and have gotten the help I need I'm startin get back to the man I was. when I first met my wife. I'm getting better and healing for myself not to get her back. But if she ever came back I would do my best to make sure that she knows that there will be no more of what has happened in the past. But only time will tell. Also I'm starting to understand why people like me are the way we are. I'm not goin to stop the work I have begun and the healing process because of my situation. Because I know that if I ever do I will return to the man I was before my left me. I was asked the other day in therapy if she ever came back and asked me to take her back would I and I told the therapist yes I would then she ask why and the only reason I could come up with was because I would like to prove to her that with help and my medication I can lead a somewhat normal life without getting angry and losing my temper. Also I learned something about myself that I could walk away when I got angry cause I know my worning signs. So I hope this explains to you about why I've done what I have done over the last 5 years. I'm not proud of what I have done. I'm real ashamed of myself. I know I can never make up for what I did to her. but I know that if she comes back this time she'll see a more lovin carin humble and respectful man than she has ever seen in her life. there are undersirable charactristics that I'm workin on gettin rid of and a lot of desirable characteristics that I want and what makes me who I am. Like I said I hope this explains to you the why of it all.

Trkr002

September 8, 2005
10:37 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Trkr:

I truly do hope you mean all you say and that you follow thru w/ it. My experience and that I have seen of others is that the man works hard on himself and on getting his woman back, but then evenutally, maybe not in a week or a month, but eventually they decide they don't need the medication, also a part of the illness, and they return to their old ways of abusing, whether verbally or physically or both. You cannot guarantee the future I know, but I want you to be aware and not fool yourself that you MUST work on this on a daily basis, each and every day, day in and day out, whether you feel like it or not. Right now it's easy to say sure. What about later? Can you take the chance of putting her wife thru that again? I'm sure you care, and none of us can predict the future I know. I truly hope you do change; I believe folks can change if they want to make that change on a daily conscious basis. Just don't rush or hurry... sure signs of an inevitable downfall. Best of luck to you.

September 8, 2005
11:08 am
Avatar
jamaicanwife
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I also wish you the best with your efforts to change. I admit to being extremely cynical especially when it comes to abusive partners, but I hope you can be the one that proves me wrong.

September 8, 2005
12:42 pm
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mamacinnamon
Yes I do mean what I say and I'm workin on it every day. I know it;'s a day to day deal. I know that if I stop the medication and stop the therapy then I will go back to the man I was and he scares the living daylights out of me. So Like i told my wife when last we spoke I'm not goin to stop with the work I'm doin. I hope to hear from her again soon.

Trkr002

September 8, 2005
12:48 pm
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

jamaicanwife,
I hope I can be the one to prove you and everyone else wrong. which my goal for now is to get better day by day and maybe someday I can get out of therapy but to stop takein my meds I believe I'll have take them the rest of my life. Which I don't like taken but I know I have to to keep myself on an even kiel. I understand about you bein cynical. But Everyone can change I hope that someday she sees that but right now I have to get better for myself.

Trkr002

September 11, 2005
9:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My parents´marriage fell apart, mine did too and I wish nobody had to go through it, specially children. It seems you don´t have any?

About tests, when I wanted to have a test of my marriage, I later found out the test had been done all the time. Maybe it´s a matter of daily retesting.

September 15, 2005
10:03 am
Avatar
trkr002
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Siniho,
Yes everyday is a retetst of a marriage as near I can figure. My wife and I have been talkin here lately and I know that everyday is a test for me. I have been married 3 times and divorced twice. But for some strange reason this time is different. I'm goin thru therapy for a problem I have. I'm also takein medication for it. Just remember that everyday when you get up it's goin to be a good day cause that's the way I look at it. yes I do have kids but they are all grown and I have grandkids also. I also wish that nobody has to go thru what they do. But everyday I get better and everyday is one step closer to be where I want to be in my life. I don't know how long it's gonna take to get there but someday I will be there. Also remember that everyday is a test of how you deal with that day. I have found a local job and am workin 2nd shift so I can go to therapy. it's a one day at a time deal. you have to deal with that day and don't worry about what tomorrows brings cause tomorrow isn't here yet. But also never forgewt what brought you to this point in your life cause I never will. I have started to forgive myself for things I have done in the last 5 yrs and I never will forget the dark angry man that I was. Since goin into therapy I have become a better more lovin carin man than I was 2 months ago. I pray to god everyday that soon my wife and I will get back together soon. So we can work on our marriage. But I kno0w I have to get better for myself.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
35
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information