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Husband has told wife that he has changed how does husband prove to her that hes changed
August 10, 2005
2:46 pm
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trkr002
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My wife left me about a month ago. Because I was very abusive to her and terrified her. I was very angry and have been for almost 3 yrs now. I was physically abusive to her I slapped her. I was also verbably abusive and mentally abusive. Until she left I didn't realize I was doin this. So the day she left I set about changein my ways and getin the anger and temper way under control which I have. I would like to get back with her and go from there. How can I prove to her that the man that I was before she left is no longer. I have done everything I know to do to try and provew that to her. I want her to trust me again and believe me that this time I* won't settle back into the relationship and go back to the man I was. Is there anyone out there that can help with this
I've told her what has caused this cahnge in me. The man that I am now is here for the long run not the short one and I have told her that I would never hit or do the things to her that I have in the past.If soimeone out can help please let me know

August 10, 2005
2:58 pm
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kathygy
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trkr002,

What exactly has caused the change in you? What kind of work did you do on yourself? Do you have a good understanding of why you were abusive? Have you learned new ways of responding to situations that would cause you to be abusive? The deeper you have an understanding of your behavior the more likely your wife will listen to you. But don't expect miracles. It can be hard to trust someone who has a history of abuse. You need to take full responsibility for your behavior.

love,
kathy

August 10, 2005
3:11 pm
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trkr002
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Kathygy
Yes I have a real good understandin why I was abusived and I have done a lot of martial arts meditating and alot of self control excercises that a martial arts master told me would help in controlin my temper. Yes I have learned new ways of dealin with situations that would cause me to be abusive. The meditation and self control excercises have helped a great deal. I have a very deep understandin of the why I was abusive. I know it's hard to trust a person that has a history of abuse. I'm not expectin a miracle in this. But I do love so much that thought of losin her hurts so much. I am takein full responsibilty for my actions and don't blame her at all for this. All I know is I would like one last chance to prove to her that I'm not the man I was before she left and that I have changed for the better. If she would give that chance I would show her a more lovein carein man than hse has ever seen in her life.

August 10, 2005
3:18 pm
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exoticflower
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trkr, sometimes part of taking responsability means being patient. All you can do to show her is to let her stand back at a safe distance and watch you right now, maybe. And if that is what she needs, then realize that is something great, she can come back to her marriage feeling truly safe and hopeful. And isn't that what you really want for her? A month is a long time and I'm sure that you miss her, but from the victim of abuses end, it may not seem long enough, and no one can say what is too much time for a person to heal. Do you have therapy or an anger management group you can lean on for extra support right now?

August 10, 2005
3:19 pm
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angel1
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I'm seperated from my husband and he when he says he's changed I have a hard time believing it..he has to show me not tell me..when I see his behaviors & actions change then I will believe it..Angel1

August 10, 2005
3:22 pm
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trkr002
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Kathygy

I'm like you in a way I have been workin on what has made me abusive. I have been workin on makein myself a more lovein carein man to my wife for the last month I have made a lot of goals and everyday I achieve one of them. I hope and pray to god you are right and she listens to me. She has given me one last chance to prove to her that I have changed for the better. I work on one thing everyday that made me the way I was. Everyday I set a goal for myself to achieve that and I do achieve that goal.

August 10, 2005
3:43 pm
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Anonymous
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trkr002, I just posted a response to your wife's thread that concerns some of the things you are asking here, so I won't repeat them here, but please read what I posted on the other thread as it may help you understand. Kudos to you for 1)admitting you have a problem and 2)making a conscious effort to do something about it! I believe you love your wife, but if the truth be known, you need to learn to love yourself first. Examine within to see what kind of baggage you have brought with you into this marriage that need to be resolved within you first. Then work on your marriage. I don't think she's going anywhere. If she is like most of us, we want SO badly for our significant other to hear us, and try to change self-destructive behavior. It's just that we've heard, "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" so many times, that we can't believe the words anymore.

Please give her the space that she needs to sort all of this out. You do not have to try to hang on to her. If you are truly changing, it will become VERY obvious to her, but understand that it may take more time than you would like.

Good luck to you both, and I'm glad you are posting here seeking help:)

August 10, 2005
5:17 pm
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trkr002
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exoticflower
Yes it is what I truly want for her to come back to our marriage safely and hopeful. I have ben so patient so far. I know it takes a long time for this.But as of next week I'm goin back outon the road in my own truck. No I do not have an anger group or a therapy group to lean on for extra support. I haven't been able to find one around here and right now I don't have a vehicle to go find one. I know the healin process takes time. which is what I'm willin to give her. But like some people on her has said that I have to prove it to her and how can I do that if she and I are not together so she can see this.

August 10, 2005
5:21 pm
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trkr002
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Angel1,
How can I prove this to her if I can't see her right now. She says I have one chance left and that is Monday next to prove to her that I have changed. She says if I can prove to her that I have changed then we'll get on that truck and go if I can't then it's the end. We have come so far and worked so hard and long on this for last month that I'm not sure what more I can do or say to her to prove what I have told her is true.

August 10, 2005
5:31 pm
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trkr002
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Plz,
I have read what you wrote to her and yes I do love her very much. As for me lovein myself I do. I have search inside myself and have found what baggage I have brought into this marriage of ours and I'm resolvin them everyday. I'm dealin with a lifetime of abuse from my father when I was kid. I know you have heard I'll never do it again. but there is something I can never forgive myself for that is the way I treated her and what I done to her for last 5 yrs that we have been married.Believe me I have had a hard time with makein the changes I have made. but they have been all for the better. I have suggested to her a different solution also so she can see the changes I have made. I just want the chance to prove to her that I'm not the man I was before she left. If given that chance I will show her a more lovein carein husband than she has ever seen

August 10, 2005
9:46 pm
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jastypes
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Women who have the strength to leave an abusive husband will usually learn about the pattern of abuse. It's cyclic. She may think you're in the "honeymoon" phase right now, but if she moves back and tension starts up again, what's keeping you from doing the same thing. I do understand that you love your wife, but I'll tell you the truth. If a man hit me, that would be the end of our relationship. My husband was verbally abusive, and I took it for years. He knew what line he could never cross. However, the best advice I ever got was from a pastor who said, go ahead and separate for a time. Work on yourself. Work on your relationship with God, and then let Him bring you back together in a better place. My husband and I renewed our wedding vows last month for our 20th wedding anniversary. We struggle with stuff still, but we now have respect and love and boundaries. Good luck to you.

August 11, 2005
12:32 am
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EJ
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Hi trkr,

If you've abused your wife for 5 years, I think that it's not too much to ask for you to spend five years trying to win her back. You don't have to live with her to do this. Go to church, pay your alimony on time, every time, offer to help out with difficult jobs around the house, and never, ever pressure her to take you back.

She spent 5 years hanging in there and trying to make something positive of your relationship - - are you willing to do the same? Why on earth should she be willing to trust you with her safety after only a month? She needs to see a complete turnaround of your life, maintained over a long period of time.

It may not take you five years to win her back, but if you're not willing to put that much effort into it, just let her go.

EJ

August 11, 2005
6:18 am
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trkr002
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Hi EJ,
We're not divorced yet. I haven't pressured her to take me back. I have asked her to tell me what I have to do to prove her that I have really changed this time. I'm willin to take as much as needed to win her again. She has come with an excellent idea about spendin time on weekends together and I'm all for that. Like I've said to her I'm willin to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. But she has given me one last shot to prove to her That I really have changed and I'm gonna do my best to do that.

August 11, 2005
10:38 am
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jamaicanwife
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August 11, 2005
10:49 am
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jamaicanwife
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tkr002, are you clear on what is abusive? I came from a home where my father stopped hitting my mother stopped hitting my mother when I was 10, but his treatment of her for the next 8 years was probably worse than before. he may not have hit her again, but his language, his attitude, his general behaviour towards her was extremely abusive. Also, he did nothit her again that my sisters and I saw, but he would hit us from time to time, something he had not done before.

I just want you to understand that as the abuser, you can say to yourself that I will never hit her again, but the same feelings, poor coping skills, the background of abuse and violence will find another way to show itself unless you commit yourself to long term treatment.

I admire your effort, but I think somebody needs to tell you that 1 month is no time at all when you are talking about stopping the cycle of abuse. My mother lived apart from my father for a year, and had actually started divorce proceedings when he convinced her to go back to him, and he did keep his word - he never hit her again - but he was still an abusive bastard who needed long term counselling that he still has not received.

August 11, 2005
4:50 pm
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trkr002
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Hi jamaicanwife,
yes I do know there are different kinds of abuse there is verbal and mental. Yes I understand these. I have told her that will never happen again. I know the difference and what i did was all three but now I have been able to talk to her like she is a person not a dog and also not to mentally abuse her. I have read books on everyone of these. I know that what I did was wrong

August 11, 2005
4:50 pm
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trkr002
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Hi jamaicanwife,
yes I do know there are different kinds of abuse there is verbal and mental. Yes I understand these. I have told her that will never happen again. I know the difference and what i did was all three but now I have been able to talk to her like she is a person not a dog and also not to mentally abuse her. I have read books on everyone of these. I know that what I did was wrong

August 11, 2005
6:04 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Trkr,

I agree with most of what's been said here.

It is admirable that you want to change and I truely hope that you do. However, I have found that change is very difficult....even with the best intentions. I'm sure that you are sincere in your efforts to change but a month is a very, very short amount of time to change what has taken a lifetime to create.

You openly acknowledge that you were physically, mentally and verbally abusive to your wife. Regardless of what your intentions are, that cannot be fixed just by saying....okay I've changed.

Do you realize the damage that is done to the person being abused. Besides the physical part of it which in itself is inexcusable...but there is also the loss of trust, security, safety, self-esteem, self-respect, self-worth, etc. etc. Do you honestly believe that can be overcome in a mere 30 days? For some it can take a lifetime and for others it may never come.

I apologize for sounding harsh but I have been a victim of abuse and I believe that you need to hear the truth.

You said "how can I prove that I've changed if I can't see her right now." I say this....if that is what she needs right now then that is what you should give her. As far as I'm concerned you owe her that much. And if you can't understand that, and respect that and give her the time that she needs then you have to ask yourself, honestly....have you changed?

Is she in counseling? Are you in counseling? For the two of you to have a healthy relationship, not only do you need to get help for your anger and your issues, but she also should get help to understand why she has put up with this abuse for so long.

If you love this woman as much as you say you do and if you truely have changed then you should be able to give her the time that she needs to heal....on her terms.

Good luck to both of you....I wish you the best.

Lolli

August 11, 2005
8:19 pm
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trkr002
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Lolli,
Yes I do Love this woman with all my heart and soul. I am willin to give her the tiome she needs. Yes I do understand the damage that I've done to her. it may not seem to you anyone else that a person who has cause the abuse can change but they can. I have. I know just sayin it is not enough I have to prove it that is what I'm askin her is How I can prove to her that I've changed for the better. so she can see that I'm not that man that did the abuse. it has taken me a long time to admit I have a problem but I have and I have sought help from a few people that have had similar problems and we have met and have talked abotu what we can do to solve these problems we have helped each other very much in the last month. I have started my meditatin again and excersices in self control. they have helped me quite abit. whether you believe I have changed or not is not my peoblem but I would just like for her to believe this. As she said she still loves me and that we can build on to gain her trust again and her to believe in me again I know it weill take time.

August 12, 2005
6:58 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Tkr,

You are right in that it is not for me to believe you or not believe you. And trust me, I'm not saying that I do not believe you. I was just trying to get you to understand the emotional toll that abuse takes on the other person and that in the grand scheme of things, a month is not a long time.

As I said before, I truely hope that you have changed and continue to get help for yourself.

I believe in my heart that you, as well as most abusers, don't want to treat the ones that they love in an abusive way. I believe that to be that angry must be a terrible burden to carry and I truely, truely wish you the best of luck on your journey.

We all deserve caring, love and respect in our lives and that includes you as well as your wife.

Good luck to you both.

Lolli

August 12, 2005
8:25 am
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trkr002
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Hi Lollipop3,
I do apologoze if I sounded harsh or angry at you for what you had said. I wasn't. I was tellin you how I feel. Which has been one of my biggest problems Keepin my feelings inside and lettin things boil inside til I blow up. Yes I do undertsnad what toll abuse brings on in anoither person. I have learned over the last month That it's not good for me to keep things bottled up inside me. I do truly understand the emotional toll also. I know a month is not a long time but things can be accomplished in a short time. But everything is a day by day deal with me. No I don't want to treat her in an abusive way anymore. As I was sayin part of my problem is keepin things bottled up inside me which cause my anger to grow and come out. I tell her how I feel and that helps. Thank you for believein that I have changed. Yes bein very angry has been a great burden to me and I'm dealin with that issue everyday. I have a battle that rages inside of me between the dark angry side and the lovein carein side fight and so far the lovein carein side always wins cause I can't allow the darkside of me to ever come out again. The dark angry man I was even scares the devil out of me. Yes I agree with you everyone deserves crein love and respect in their lives. Once again I do apologize if I sound harsh or angry toward you. But sometimes it seems that people don't understand what goes on inside the one that did the abusin or what brought it on. Sometimes it comes from whyen the abuser was abuse himself or herself as a child and they don't know any other way than to abuse the ones they love. I work on things one at a time and one day at a time. I was physically abuse as child and I watched my dad beat the livin daylights out of my mom everytime he was drunk. He did the same to me cause I was the oldest. He always called me stupid not worth anything then he would beat me so bad sometimes. When I started to change is on a Saturday when I looked in the mirror and saw my dad starin back at me smilin as if to say good job keep it up bein an abuser. that was I decided to change cause I never wanted to turn like him and I knew inside me I had.

Once thank you for hopein that I have changed

Trkr002

August 12, 2005
10:13 am
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trkr002
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To Everyone,
Thank You for your responses to my post. I really do appreciate all the things everyone has told me. I have taken a lot of what everyone her has suggested to heart and have suggested to my wife a couple things. But I haven't pressured her into anything. we are still talkin and listenin to each other. She has been a big help in findin the actual cause of what made me so angry. The biggest part of it is that I had never forgiven my dad for what he had done to me when I was a child and when he asked me to forgive him I didn't. I believe I will get off to myself today and see if I can't forgive hime for wht he did. I know this sounds like I'm crazy but I'm gonna talk to him and tell him that what he did is forgiven so he may rest and I can go on with my life. If I have offended anyone here I do apologize for that. I know everyone was just tryin to help me here with their experiences. I really do appreciate it. Everyone here can't imagine how much of a help they have been to me especially. If I could I would hug every female and shake the hand of every man that has responded to me.

Once again thank you for the help you given me.

trkr002

August 12, 2005
12:39 pm
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jamaicanwife
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trkr002, you sound like a very practical person, who is very focused on getting things done. I wish I could explain this better, but I will try again.

You can't approach this issue as though it was an item on your to do list - Stop abusing wife, check!

Forgiving your father, forgiving yourself, learning to love yourself, learning how to love your wife and be the husband she needs - all this takes TIME, these things can't be rushed. I don't know what your agenda is like, but you can't expect saving your marriage and changing yourself to just fit right in between 'pick up dry cleaning' and 'change oil'.

You seem to be in an enormous hurry, and although I can undersand the urgency you feel to get your life back into some recognizable pattern, I don't see how this haste will benefit you, and I can see how it can actually hurt your wife in the long run. Be patient, take your time, let things run their course.

Also, I am not feeling that you are really repecting your wife's feelings as much as you should. She has been grievously hurt in her relationship with you, and has, quite justifiably, chosen to separate from you. It has to be her choice whether or not she comes back to you. You may change yourself with the goal of getting her back, but you must understand that the decision has to be hers.

August 12, 2005
5:56 pm
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trkr002
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Jamaicanwife,
I have Learned how to love myself and yes I'm a pratical person but I ain't rushin this. I know all this takes time. but there is something you jhave to understand about me whenever I set my mind on doin something I do it. I know that it's not like changein the oil or pickin up the dry cleanin. I'm not in a hurry I just have my mind set to do what ever it takes to save my marriage. I've already stopped abusin her and I have left a lot of things up to her. My life is already gettin into a reconizeable pattern. That's because I push myself not her to do this. I'm a very strong willed man and when I set goals for myself long term and short term I achieve each one one at a time. I've already done what I set out to do today. To forgive myself is another story it'll take longer time for me to do that than forgivin my father. I'm also a determined man. I push myself to see how far my limits are and how much farther I can push myself. this is not an easy thing for me to do but I do do it. So I hope you understand that this man here isn't like every man out there.

August 12, 2005
10:30 pm
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SerenityOne
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My ex husband was mentally and emotionally abusive to me for years. I stayed way too long and wasted the best years of my life in a bad relationship something I regret deeply doing to this day.

I learned two things from that relationship one; I played a part and allowed it to happen/continue, no one can abuse you if you don't give them permission. Two; it takes two to tangle, you both have to learn how trust each other again. It takes commitment on both of your parts to unlearn (counseling will help) and relearn healthier ways of treating each other.

Most of all the way you prove you've changed is not by what you SAY but what you DO....get on with doing, with being a gentle loving person regardless of her reaction to you. She may leave for good but you will eventually want to be in a relationship with someone else and lets hope you've learned from past mistakes and can be a better man.

I wish you luck on your desire to change but be assured just because you say you have doesn't make it so the real test is in the long haul and yes it will take a lot of time to win her back so don't give up. Be patient, kind and most of all supportive.

~S

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