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husband angry for me wanting to go to church
April 23, 2000
12:47 pm
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Brenda
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hi hazza, everyone
Well we had an argument this easter sunday because I wanted to go to church with the children. He said no, im taking them to breakfast and is actively manipulating them not to go to church with me. He says " if you need that then fine, dont involve me"
First power control shit he has pulled in a while. I am quite hurt and want to take my children to church.
He has quit binge drinking fri nights but now he brings home beer and wine each day and drinks several beers or 2-3 glasses of wine. Its really pissing me off.
I dont even want alcohol in my house. I dont drink.
help

April 23, 2000
5:53 pm
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hootie-hoo
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If you want to take them to church then do it when he is not there to stop you. It should not be that you challenge your husband with the kids for church attendance. Going to church should be a personal & and private thing to worship for you & the kids. It should not cause problems. He does'nt have to know yet that you are attending church, only if you want him to know. Eventually he will start to go with you if he does'nt feel that you are trying to change him. Your worship should be a personal event shared only by those who choose to join in.

April 23, 2000
6:40 pm
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soos
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It's a huge bummer to have this kind of set up on Easter. I'm sorry you didn't get to go, and more sorry you have to spend Easter Sunday trying to forgive (maybe), and mostly being angry. Please don't let his attitude disuade you from seeking Jesus and His powerful resurrection. Remember what He endured? Read Matthew. Try to keep your focus. "More is caught than taught" they say. Let your children catch some good stuff. You can't control your hubby, but the way you respond to him will teach your children more than any formal service. My Dad didn't want us going to church either, and brought home things like beer and wine and would have been glad to share. My Mom kept making a way for us to go to church-- with a friend, on a bus, etc. She didn't model any ideal of submission, but she showed us what was important, and kept their relationship in tact. There's no rosy ending here, but we're all church-going, God-loving adults. I guess that was what was important to my mom. There are a lot of reasons to go to church. To learn about heritage, marvel at God's wonders and to contemplate Who He is and who we are in relationship to Him. Getting together with others is so encouraging, and I'm so sorry you had to forego that today. Don't skip the part you CAN do, though. Marvel and contemplate. Remember what He's forgiven you of, and have mercy on your hubby. Don't let him have all your Easter joy. HE HAS RISEN INDEED!

April 24, 2000
9:36 am
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janes
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Great post soos....

I have never heard "more is caught than taught"..can you explain it more. (is that a granny thing?)

Brenda..did you think the controlling thing from him was GONE? From what I remember of your other posts (and I could be wrong) he is not good at respecting your wishes.

Even thogh he is respecting your boundariy about the Fri. night drinkingdo you see how he has manipulated your lives so he can still step over the boundary you set and drink the same or even more?

I, personnally, would not suggest hiding your church attendance. It would only give him a reason to be angry and throw blame on you. If he doesn't want the kids going on Sunday does your church (or any in the area) hace a weekly children's group? This might be very good for the kids.

It is so sad that he is so broken that he needs to "use" the children as a wedge against you.

It is sad to see how he is trying to "get back at you" for the loss of his Fri. night binges with drinking every night, at home, in front of the kids.

He is still trying to control you ..in so many subtle ways..and overtly as well.

Unless he sees the problems he is not going to change.

Let us know more.

didn't he have some trouble putting your name on the business?

April 24, 2000
9:55 am
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janes
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Dear Brenda,

Honey, you need to go back and read your old thread "Is my husband an alcohalic"...I did.

He has let you down so much. If I could I would kick his butt big time for you.

But that is your job.

Good luck. Be strong.

April 24, 2000
9:58 am
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Dear Brenda,

Honey, you need to go back and read your old thread "Is my husband an alcohalic"...I did.

He has let you down so much. If I could I would kick his butt big time for you.

But that is your job.

Good luck. Be strong.

April 25, 2000
4:31 am
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hazza
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Hi Brenda,
well i am so sorry that your husband is going back to his old ways.
now we got into big trouble about this one last time didn't we!!!

okay like Janes said, he is still doing the same old stuff. I had many of these "pretend" new starts before the real one came along. And the real one for me, as i told you, was when i made it very clear that it was the alcohol OR me, NOT BOTH. This was nearly a year ago now, and to the best of my knowledge he hasn't had a drink since.

BUT, I DID NOT MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
all i did, in fact all i COULD do was to say that I would not stay in the relationship if alcohol was there too. I explained to him that i thought there was an alcohol problem, because when he drank he couldn't stop and he became morosely depressed and aggressive. he could easily of chosen to ignore this and stayed with the drink. I also was aware that he could have pretended that he realised he had a problem just to keep me, so i talked to him at length and told him that i would need time to see if he really meant it. because many times before he hadn't been serious about giving it up.

You need to talk to your husband about his drinking, and i don't mean just about getting him to quit. You need to understand what that drink means to him. How does he react when he is drunk? Does he remember how he treats you when he is drunk? does he enjoy it?

My partner would regularly drink too much and be very upset about it, i mean he would roll in drunk crying and asking me for help with it because he said he just COULD not stop. In the morning he would remember, but just say to me, okay i have learned my lesson, i won't drink as much blah blah blah. Finally he realised that he COULD not drink one drink without it leading to more. That is when i said to him that the only way he could stay sober was to not drink at all. Now he already knew this himself. All i was doing when i said stop drinking was to tell him that it was now time to choose.
I don't think i could have gotten him to understand he had a problem by myself. He was the one who realised he had a problem, it was just that he never accepted that the only way to stop the problem was to stop totally, he thought he could linit himself etc.

So how do you get your husband to realise he has a problem??
well you can't. He has to see it first and even once he has seen it he has to make it his business to resolve that problem in a way that works, not by kidding himself that drinking at home is better that fri nights etc.

I guess the one thing that made me feel different was when i said to myself. "imagine that this NEVER changes for the rest of my life, do i want that?" the answer was no!
so i told him to choose, not out of the blue, i had already told him how it made me feel told him all about the problems I saw from his drinking. But appealling to their better nature doesn't seem to work. these are people who want it all. they want to drink ten beers and still drive themselves home at night, doesn't that tell you something!

They will always try to negotiate a way to get you off their backs while they carry one with what they want.
THE only choice you have is to say
"i am not going to be a part of this any more"
but you must really really feel this.
look at the sentence. when you come to the decision that either way you don't want alcohol in your life anymore even if you lose him. then you can say it and mean it.
but that has to your goal. like me, i really didn't care if he left or he stayed to be honest. My one priority was that i was NEVER going to see him drunk again and i still feel that way.

the problem you are having Brenda, is that you had gained a little ground with the Fri nite thing. You thought okay, this is showing progress which in a way it was. as i said, and many people misunderstood!, this first step showed that at least he felt he had something to lose in you, not all was lost.
HOWEVER, all that really showed was that there was still some communication there, it is no good expecting that these type of people will work with you towards the goal of no drinking. if they could do that they wouldn't have a problem. there will still come the time when you have to decide "either me or the alcohol" and nothing will change until you feel that way. there is no reason for it too, he has learned that these are usually empty threats.

the way i felt was that i wanted a relationship with my B/F, but only the RIGHT kind of relationship.
this whole thing is so hard to explain because some people read it and misunderstand the subtlties.
but i am NOT saying that there is a way to change him.

I am saying that it is possible that you can decide where your boundaries are and that shocks him into seeing what is really important and he realises his problem. But all you can do is set your boundaries. it is down to him how he reacts to this and you may well lose him to the alcohol.
it is a gamble only if you are looking at this as a way to stop him drinking and still keep him. If you are thinking lik that then you are heading in the wrong direction.

if you see it, like i did, that WHATEVER happens you want the drunkard out of your life, then you only have to choose that. either way you win, because he either leaves or he stays but he KEEPs sober.

this was what "message to brenda" was all about, but i guess i didn't explain it too well! it was about how hardit is for both of you to chage at the same time, it was only possible for us because under all the problems, personality disorders and chaos, we both had a deep love for one another. but we realised that however deep this love is, it is only worth it if the day to day relationship works. so we tried andcontinue to try to make this happen.
either way, my priorities now are first and foremost myself and then him.

If youa re sick and tired of the alcohol in your life then you have a choice. demand different or leave the relationship. There is no other option.
once you make that choice then he may make choices of his own, but only you will know if they are genuine or not.

you can try and try to negotiate, but it wont work. you need to decide what you want for youa re your kids and demand it of him. if he can;t deliver then be prepared to lose him. that is the only way you can go if you don't want to spend the next XX years dancing the same old dance.
all i ever said was that once you do this, he MAY wake up to himself, just like many of us have woken up to our problems, but there is no guareentee and this should not be your motive.

your motive should be about getting the life you want. going to church, not having drink around, or whatever.
but you need to want this more that anything if you are to demand it.

maybe it will be the catalyst to a better life, may be not. but you can only decide on what you want.

all i ever said was that EVERYONE can change, there were too many people at this site who seemed to think that we here can all change but our partners were incapable of seeing the need for change, which is rubbish, anyone can change, if they wake up one day and are sick of their lives like we have found ourselves. SO too maybe with your husband, but there is nothing you can do to make that change happen, it will only be coincidence if it does.

what do you do Brenda? do you wait around getting madder and madder inside yourself like i did, or do you decide you have had enough of this? that is the only question you need to answer, the rest will happen as it happens and there is npothing any of us can do about that.

all i can tell you is that drink affect my life via my partner until I DECIDED NO MORE. i was so determined in that decision that it was going to happen one way or another. and it did. but i could easily be sitting here telling you this with him having left and still be drinking elsewhere. but for the the question was getting drink out of my life, not saving my partner from himself. So either way i would have got the result i wanted.

anything else is secondary.

i am sorry that i can't explain myself any better. but i cant say to you you must leave him to be happy, becuase it isn't totally true, nor can i say to you you can make him change.
all i can say to you is that many different things may happen, his choice affect the outcome too, but YOU need to decide what you will not put up with in your life. you need to stand firm on thses things regardless of the outcome.
that is being true to yourself.
Hugs
Hazza

April 26, 2000
1:26 am
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Brenda
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Hazza, thankyou for the long reply and the compassion and hard earned wisdom behind it.
I know my partner must sound bad, but if the rest of the relationship were bad then I would of left already.
You see, when he drinks, he doesnt get drunk, he seems to be handling it and he has become much more caring, loving and attentive in many ways.
He also has grown in maturity and wisdom.
He is a better father and a more sensitive husband.
He doesnt really deny that his drinking is not normal.
I dont think its normal.
I also really am tempted to throw the stuff in the garbage. I told him I do not want alcohol in the house.
I think I would be in my right to do that, and I may, but then he may choose to drink elsewhere. IF HE DOES, ITS MARRIAGE OVER, BUT OF COURSE I AM AFRAID OF THAT...I will have no choice.
He respects me and I have asserted my boundaries pretty strongly with him and many other people in my life now.
I dont let people treat me poorly as I used to.
There has been no verbal or emotional abuse from this man for a long time, except this weekend, he called me FAT.
This hurts me because I am pregnant and overweight.
I said that was it and left the house.
He apo,ogised for calling me this name but he never apologised for his poor treatment of me regarding church etc
I will not allow him to deny my children access to church, of course not.
I will take them regardless.
He just tried to make it difficult and then related afterwards that his experiences with church as a child were purely negative. ( he was forced to go against his will )
His treatment of me over the easter weekend raised concerns within me and hurt me quite a bit.
He cut down his drinking somewhat, but tells me that i should leave him be. He says " you have taken away everything else"
I said, "hey you chose to let go of everything else, remember.."
I really do stay true to myself now, but telling him to choose me or the alcohol seems rather heavy at the moment as he is no longer acting irresponsibly really ( i. e driving drunk, drinking till hes drunk or binge drinking )
I really do hate the site of the beer and wine bottles and quite frankly, I am embarassed by his drinking when we have friends over for bar b q's etc.
He has ditched his old drinking buddies, and we have hired new low drinking and professional people.
I dont want to push too hard too soon, ya know.
He orders atleast two beers when we go out for lunch or dinner and usually drinks three.
The bill always adds up and I ask him "why does he need to drink 2 or 3, why not one?"
Well, Hazza, others, thanks for caring.
gotta go for now. hugs

April 26, 2000
6:36 am
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hazza
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hey Brenda,
I will post you more tommorrow, hugs for now!
Haz

April 26, 2000
8:56 am
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Brenda
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look forward to your post hazza, your words mean a lot and help a lot.
I am up in the middle of the night, cause I had a hard time sleeping, which is unusual for me.
I kept dreaming about his drinking and my attempts to stop him which were fruitless, I was feeling helpless and trapped and woke up anxious and felt as if i couldnt breathe.
I cant stand that. I only get that now and then when I am really stressed.
I havent felt this way for a while.
I think the truth of his drinking is really hitting home.
I know that he doesnt get drunk, because he has probably built up a tolerance, but like I said its on average 3-5 a day. On weekends he drinks that and maybe a little more because he says "I like my beer, let me be"
I am so sick of him always having these problems, my energy is directed away from myself where it needs to be.
I feel I should just let go and let god, but if im still here, then how would he know my seriousness.
It really doesnt look to be improving as i first thought.
I dont want my children to think drinking every day is normal, or that drinking is normal. Drinking is a legalised drug.
He calls me "miss high and mighty" when I talk like this, he says " you are so perfect "
I dunno, im tired. I will try to get a little sleep.
night.

April 26, 2000
9:01 am
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Brenda
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oh, he gets really angry and defensive when I talk about his drinking now.
He also lies to me about how much he drinks.
I also found out last week that he drinks two guiness atleast during his lunch breaks WHILE WORKING.
That is heavy stuff.
He says "hey its full of iron, its good for me"
He pisses me off!

April 26, 2000
9:14 am
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Brenda
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I just want to list the changes he has made since my original postings.
Dropped negative friends ( I pressed charges against one, never had to do that in my life, sick huh )
no fri night bar drinking.
communicates more
says 'i love u" more
shows he cares more
doesnt blame me so much
better parent
works a little less
no binging ( changed to daily )
little to no verbal abuse
respects my boundaries way more
helps me out around the house
makes more plans for the future
less angry periods
deals with stress better
better business tactics
no or little financial control
the list could go on........

a lot of positives hazza, a lot of change, I am proud of him, I love him, and I am worried for his health and wellbeing with the drinking.

April 26, 2000
9:39 am
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I know I should not be worrying, obssessing or trying to change him, but it is hard to let go for fear it will worsen with him.
He seems to be blinded by it.,
Its like being on the titanic, no one knows its sinking, except me and I am screaming for people to get off.
If he doesnt get off, im gonna push him off...hehe.
hope sharkies are swimming around.

April 26, 2000
10:52 pm
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hello?? no replys:(

April 27, 2000
3:49 am
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hazza
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Hi Brenda,
Sorry for not replying sooner! I like to respond here when I am alone so that i can do it in peace and quiet! and there hasn't been much of that around here lately! still today my B/F starts a new job, his first in about 3 yrs!!!! and ironically he went out and the car had a flat tyre!!!!!!!!! poor thing, it has made him late on his first day and he is trying SO hard to get it right, i hope it doesn't make him too nervous!

still, he is out for the day now, so I hope things go good for him.

Okay, back to you my dear!

well firstly, i know the things you are feeling only too well. this was how i was feeling last year and it built up and built up until I pretty much broke down with it all. BUT
you have taken steps to explain how you are feeling and you both have made some steps into the more positive future, but it isn't really enough to give you true peace of mind is it? that said, i still don't have TRUE peace of mind about my situation, that is also what i meant about things never being quite the same after something like this.

the problem is is that you are still running scared. it is always FEAR in one form or another that breaks people down emotionally.

you still have the FEAR about his drinking, which is a reality because he still drinks. in the back of your mind you know that it is just down to him and lady luck that you wont experience the kind of pain you have before due to his drinking. in your mind you know that you still have no real control on the situation. this is causing the anxiety you feel.

so, you have no control on the situation still, so what has changed from before?? in a way nothing has. sure the menu is different, but it is still dinner time. the changes that have happened are not to be denied, they are real changes and are valid. but the essential problem that you have of him being in control of your happiness and HIM BEING ABLE TO ROCK YOUR BOAT WITHOUT YOU HAVING ANY REAL CONTROL OVER THAT, is still there. that is the issue you need to focus on and it is a tough one.

now the changes he has made are on the surface great, they do show that he is at least willing to move with you on this. but the change you need is to not be afraid that he will **** things up with his behaviour. He may have listens to you and misunderstood what you want. in his mind he may have heard " i hate the fri nites... i hate those people.... etc etc" so he changes that BUT STILL BEHAVES THE SAME WAY, BUT IN A DIFFERENT SITUATION.
so he is left thinking, "hey i did what she wanted, what now???" and maybe he did. maybe you need to explain to him the real problem, rather that explaining to him the symptoms in which it shows itself?

the real issue you have is that you belive (and this is in no way proven, although i think you are right) that he has a drink problem. He belives he is just "having a beer like any other man would, where is the problem?"

now i want to asked you about the way he is drinking now. my dad will come home every night and drink a couple of whiskys and a glass of wine. does he have a drink problem?? i don't know. no one else thinks he does, he still functions day to day he is never aggressive, but i have notices that over the years he is drinking more. where does one draw the line?? this is one of the big issues with people in your situation, just getting proof one way or the other to even answer the question seems so ambiguous.

so now, when he is drinking, is he respectful? does he stop of his own accord? is his drinking affecting your family finances?

there are many questions there, but the fact that it is upsetting you means that his drinking is a problem.that alone is enough to warrent that the 2 of you sort it out.

I was in the place youare now many times.
i had to explain to my B/F these things, and i bet you feel some of this too and it needs explaining to them! these are things i said to my partner and said them very strongly and often!
1. I am sick and tired of being the nagging wife, i do not Want to be the one to "parent" you and tell you you have had enough to drink. you are an adult that is your job not mine, but it must be done, you cannot continue to drink with abandon and expect me to stay and witness it - I WONT.

2. I am sick and tired of feeling continually angry at you because of the way you treat me. the anger eats me up because it is never resolved and quite frankly i don't need the hassle, life is not meant to be this way.

3. I do not want to change you against your will. i would like your behaviour to be different and i would like you to reach your full potentiall because you are a great person in many respects and i would love it if you were the best you that you can be, BUT IF YOU WISH TO LIVE YOUR LIFE THIS WAY, I TOTALLY RESPECT THAT, BUT PLEASE BE HONEST AND TELL ME SO I CAN GO MY OWN WAY IN LIFE AND FIND A LIFESTLYE THAT IS RIGHT FOR ME. don't keep me hanging on with loose promises, it is a waste of both our time. I am not going to go on this journey with you to where you are going, i do not care for that destination. you may go that way alone with my blessing, or you may come my way. but we get no where when we keep trying to go two different directions at once. (this one you need to spell out, because men are not too good with metaphors on the whole! you need to say - your destination = drinking, being antisocial, in denial etc or whatever.... my destination= family life, taking kids to park, being sober ..... or whatever it is that you want spell it out very very literally!!!)

4. I am not waiting around for an answer on this any more. it is make your mind up time. you have treated me terribly, you say you love me but i would not treat a dog the way you have behaved towards me when you where drinking. i accept that i let you treat me this way and i am also angry at myself for aloowing things to get this bad, but today, now it stops or we stop. you can move out of here and continue as you are or you change the way you live your life, but is has to be a real change with NO ALCOHOL because i am of the opinion that you cannot drink at all and function, you do not have the ability to moderate yourself. unless you see this fact, there is no future for us. (now with our case, he knew this fact to be true and it is true, i don't know that we would be together now if he didn't know this deep down inside himself, if he didn't there would be no way i could convince him)

5. i am no longer paying your way. from today you pay rent, you get yourself sorted out, if you can't you find out why you are not functioning like an adult. i am no hypocrite, i am not functioning as an adult right now, but i know why and i am doing my best to change and find all the hlep i can. in ten yrs from now i will be a very different person. will you???

I also spent a weekend letting all my anger out at him about all this. all the anger and all the ways he had hurt me came out. this was not something i am proud of, i should have said at the time about the things he did that where wrong, but i just took it. but letting it all out did give me a degree of closure on the anger.

You know before this, at times when i was alone like in the shower or something, i would be fuming with anger but never confront him because his anger was always worse and i could not assert myself against it.
WHY??? co dependent crap of being afriad to end the relationship! once i truley realised that peace of mind is BETTER that a crap relationship that fear left me. i was more afraid of things staying the way they were than confronting him.

this is the stuff that i felt and said. it is relevent to me in my situation. i tell you it becuase i feel you may be able to read it and understand you are not alone. you may feel certain parts apply to you, or you may feel other things come to your mind that are totally different but mean the same to you that my issues mean to me.

the thing you must do is to explain what it is that you are sick of.this was where i went wrong. i told him of examples of his bad behaviour, like on thursday night you did this and that. but never explained the core problems that caused the events to happen on a thurdays night (or a sunday morning....) it is no good saying about single events, you need to explain the whole picture behind those events, the things that are similar to all events.
it is no good saying you did this on fri nite cos of the drink, you need to say everytime you drink you do this or that and explain the pattern of his behaviour and how it affects you.

because it is the pattern that needs to change. drinking on a monday instead of a thurday doesn't change the fact that you are abnoxious when you drink. or whatever,.

think about what the real issues are that upset you.
with me it was the aggression, lack of support, rudeness, being controlled etc.

what is the issues with your partnership? the workaholism? the drink? lack of respect?

work out exaclty what you are mad at first, find the core issues, not just the list of events that have pissed you off. what are the common themes???

once you know this, you often find what you thought was a list of hundreds of "nags" comes down to one or two key ways in which he behaves that is incompatible with your own mindset. then you can ask yourself and him if there is a way to change it so you are both more compatable or if you would be better apart.

i wish you peace and hugs Brenda, but in my experince, i had to reach near breaking point before i did this, but i wish i had done it sooner and i will never go back o being reated like that again!
peace
Hazza

April 27, 2000
9:59 pm
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Brenda
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We had a long talk and he was also coming to the same conclusion that his drinking IS A SERIOUS PROBLEM and he has agreed to cut it right down to a beer with a meal.
We will see how that goes.
He is genuniely trying and it is more than superficial behavioral changes that are taking place but core soul changes with him and both of us.
It is truly wonderful when two people love each other so much, and heal together as we watch the negativities fall away. I believe Relationships are our greatest teachers and to run from them when they arent "working" is to run from yourself.( with certain exceptions of violence/abuse etc. but even these dark relationships are disguised as teachers and opportunities for great growth.

Dear Hazza, I pray that all goes well with you and your boyfriend, I know what you are going through and I can feel and sense your compassionate loving spirit.
Please remember to take care of yourself every day. God bless and thankyou again.

April 28, 2000
7:05 am
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Hi there Brenda,
it is great that you and hubby are talking about these issues, i am glad that he is recognising the problem.
i wonder have you talked about his fear to cut alcohol totally out of his life? this seems to be a biggie with them, like impossible to cut it out totally. with my boyfriend he tried many times to regulate and moderate but it never worked for him. hopefully your husband will be able to moderate himself and as you say only time will tell, but i would be cautious to the fact that he is bargaining with you. he is making deals to keep on with the beer to some degree everyday, this tells me he is almost afraid at the thought of going without it. be wary, that is all i say.

me, i still drink from time to time, i think the last time must have been months ago though, but sometimes in the summer i really fancy a beer, but i can't really with my partner being off it, but when out without him i may have the odd drink. Now if i was told i could never drink again, i really wouldn't care less. with soomeone who has a problem with drink, this is a much bigger issue to them. the thought that they can never drink again is far worse than having to limit themselves to just one a day. it is just that sometimes they cannot keep that promise, however hard they try.

it is right that you both try this way together. but just be aware as to whether it really is working or not.

i think with my partner, it was only because he made these kinds of "deals" with me and found he couldn't keep to them that he slowly realised the extent of his problem. so in a way this is an experiment for both of you that you need to do.

unless your hubby tries this he will have no idea whether he can keep to one a day or not.
my concern for you is that he may drink in secret, if he is trying to keep you happy but not fully accepting he has a problem this could happen.
there is nothing you can do about that but i know that you are trying to make your marriage work very much with your eyes open, i just dont think you can relax too much yet! this is still an experimental time for both of you.
i agree that when love is there it is worth working at, providing strong boundaries are there, only then can you have a hope in hell of getting to a healthy place. but there can only ever be a certain amount of time at which you work at it, you try, you set a limit in your mind of how much time you will try and then stick to it. sometimes it works and sometimes when you have done your best and nothing has changed, it is time to move on. there is a world of difference in trying in the right way and clinging to something in the wrong way!

so my dear, best of luck with it, you seem to be making progress but never forget that you are both experimenting at the moment, keep fluid and keep your wits about you, okay?
by the way, how is your pregnancy going? when is that baby going to make an appearence?!!
hugs to you and speak soon!
Hazza

April 28, 2000
2:07 pm
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Brenda
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Dear Hazza:
I am totally understanding of your last post, but I must say, the only reason I am buying into this last move on his part is because he said it out of his own volition and is authentic. It is not a move to "please me" he was quite distraut and realised how his drinking was a problem and called it serious.
He knows I am not going to nag him, cause I dont do that much any more, my energy is focused on me and my children, first and foremost.
He knows and sees the changes in me, the boundaries I impress with other people ( family, business, people )
He sees the huge, overall healthy change in me, my attitude and my beliefs, it has obviouly rubbed off on him, because despite our problems in the past, we are a deeply bonded couple. We communicate and we share all our feelings now.
It was a completely rare thing for him to show weakness of any kind as he did a few nights ago regarding his fears of drinking and destroying our family and dreams. He said something to the effect "its just not worth it" he hasnt drank a drop in three or four days and says he doesnt crave it, but I am certainly not going to be gullible about this.
He knows its up to him, he knows that his drinking and irresponsible behavior is causing the problems in our marriage and he knows that I wont stay if it continues. It is best for HIM and ME to leave if it does.
God bless you Hazza.
I really hope you buy that book "from panic to power" it is so powerful.
The author is director and head of a major anxiety disorders clinic in the states, she knows what she is talking about.
ta ta for now

April 29, 2000
5:06 pm
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Brenda
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Its about defining yourself, instead of trying to define another.

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