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Hurting today...not sure why at nearly 3 months of NC [StrongInHim]
September 6, 2006
3:14 pm
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StronginHim77
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Have no idea what triggered this or what is wrong with me. I have been doing pretty well with the No Contact, having nearly reached the 3-month mark. However, my ex has removed his "block" so that I can see him online. I believe that means he wants contact with me. Here we go, right? Wanting "closure" from someone we can NEVER get closure from. So, I found myself removing my telephone and email blocks today.

Gets worse. Two eveings ago, I deliberately drove thru the parking lot of the restaurant where (I have been told) he hangs out now. Sure enough, there was his car, MINUS the custom-made license plate holder which I had given him for his birthday. That hurt. Seeing the car hurt. Pain. Pain. Pain. Finally spoke to myself OUT LOUD and asked myself "...what the heck are you doing this to yourself for? You don't even want the guy back! You just want a RELATIONSHIP back." (Yup. I've got that part figured out.)

I think the loneliness and isolation has gotten to me. I have no friends here to go out with and meet with, socially, so I am home most nights. Phone rarely rings. I am lonely and no idea what to do about it. Most people who know me probably figure I have it all "together" because I come across as (don't laugh) strong, confident and peaceful. Alot of that "image" has to do with my years of ministry training. People assume that -- if you are a minister -- you have your act together, sort of like an inside track to peace and happiness. But I struggle, just like anyone else.

I am not feeling the devastating grief I felt when he dumped me back in June. But I think my heart longs to hear that he regrets what he did. (Since he is BPD, he probably DOES regret what he did. I just couldn't continue his pattern of rejecting me one day and taking me back the next, over and over and over...)

OK. That's it. There's my True Confession. Strong ain't feeling very "strong." I know this will pass. Just feel very lousy today.

- Strong

September 6, 2006
3:19 pm
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feelingfree
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Strong- just posted on LL's thread.
Will read this post now- just wanted to let you know I'm here!

September 6, 2006
3:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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Thanks, feeling. I am a mess today.

September 6, 2006
3:22 pm
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Hi Strong

Yes, you are strong... and you are also human. None of us is "together" all the time! Hugs to you.

Sorry you're feeling the pain right now, and hope that it will pass before you succumb to any temptations to have direct contact with the ex. It was smart of you to come here and share what's going on for you.

I hope you can find some kind of social activity that gets you out and around people more often than you are doing right now. I sing in a choir and it has brought many gifts into my life. (It also brought the ex into my life, indirectly.... but on balance, the influences have been positive!)

Wishing you the best, kroika

September 6, 2006
3:26 pm
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feelingfree
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I hear you!! I was the same last week.

What I didn't 'catch' on your first post was that HE removed the block first. Be sooo careful Strong. You know exactly what he is doing.. he may be testing you by reopening the door. Or- it may have nothing at all to do with you. Regardless- you have come too far to play into his games. Remember him for who he was. I know when you're feeling lonely it's sooo easy to pull up the 'few' GOOD memories and blow them up to 8x10s in our minds.

Just keep posting your thoughts and feelings. Something tells me you are going to get a TON of responses and get all the support you need to get thru this.. just as you have helped sooo many of us here!

September 6, 2006
3:26 pm
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southgoingzax
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hey strong,

we are all here for you. And, you know we all have been in your shoes or are still wearing them, or are thinking about buying them, even though they are second hand and don't fit our feet...

enough with the shoe analogy. The point is, you have come so far! You inspire all of us to work to be where you are. But, that doesn't make you super-human. It makes you more human, it makes you the wonderful, loving person that you are...your "weakness" is that you are loving and kind and generous....and you want to share that with someone, you should share it, or else why is it there?

I know what it feels like to be lonely. I live in this town, 50 miles away from my mom and my friends and have absolutely not one single person here to do things with, not one friend! It isn't a good feeling.

Is there any chance you could move? Would you want to? Or start a pot-luck club? Or learn how to throw pots (on a wheel, not at the wall or your xbf, lol)?

This is what I am trying to do: one thing a week that gets me out to meet people. This week, I am looking for a gardening class. Last week it was yoga. Maybe next week, a hiking club...just for something to not feel so lonely, if nothing else.

Lots of love to you, strong, I wish we could all show up and whisk you away to a spa retreat in Mexico for a week.

zax

September 6, 2006
3:32 pm
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doubleloss
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oh my friend, i'm feeling so sad that you are feeling sad, i know, i so understand. it must be even harder not having many friends to hang out with, making friends it's hard to as we get older. I hope you start going out to the ballroom dancing that you've mentioned you like so much. Are ther any groups in your area? could you join a gym? are there volunteer programs in your area? have you thought about joining the organization Big Sisters?

if i got a pill to cure the wound of abandonment, rejection and abuse i sure would send it to you. i don't feel i'm much help now because i am a mess again, as well.

so glad you started your thread, i'll come around in a little while my friend, cry all you need if you feel like it, i find that's the only thing that sooths me, it sort of cleanses that wound.

September 6, 2006
3:33 pm
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StronginHim77
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kroika -

Thank you. Just hearing SANE voices right now helps so much. I know that you understand.

feeling -

You're right. He removed his block first which is a HUGE caution flag. Wants to see what results it will get him. He did it last month when my son packed up the things he still had laying around my house and mailed them back to him. He was visible online for about 5 days, after he got those boxes of his stuff. I think he interpreted the return of his goods as a desire to reconnect on my part. Anyway, I resisted the temptation and he re-blocked me again. Then, he re-appeared online a few days ago.

I can get past this. I know I can. I know I can.

Geez...I sound like that children's book about the train.

South -

My house is up for sale as of Oct.1st when all the work is completed on it. I am looking for a small apt. in the same area because I still have a son, finishing H.S. here. Because I am a widow (and all the family in the world that my two sons have), I am reluctant to leave this area completely, even after the younger son graduates.

I have only two serious "ho

September 6, 2006
3:36 pm
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StronginHim77
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South (continued)...(hit send by accident)...

I have only two serious "hobbies:" shooting handguns (I have a concealed weapons license) and ballroom dancing. Unfortunately, both are rather expensive hobbies and I am budgeting very carefully now. Also, there is only one nice place to go to for my age group (50's - 60's) for ballroom dancing and he is there alot. He can't dance, but he practically ALWAYS is at the bar. I am so scared of running into him. If he is with another woman, I will feel bad (even though I know he is mentally ill and she will find out in time, herself). If he is NOT with another woman, I will still feel lousy because I am afraid of him SPEAKING OR NOT SPEAKING to me. Does that make sense? I dread running into him, so I have become somewhat of a hermit crab, even though I am known and accepted at this place.

I wish I had the courage to start back going there on my own, again. But I'm afraid to.

- Strong (?) Maybe I better change my threads SN, eh?

September 6, 2006
3:38 pm
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southgoingzax
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ah, but the little engine that could says only, "I think I can, I think I can".

You know you can. You can.

love,

zax

September 6, 2006
3:44 pm
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southgoingzax
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Okay,

so can you start some new hobbies? Like...learning archery, or canoeing, or wine tasting, yoga, weight-lifting, rock-climbing, knitting, sailing, painting, sculpting, wood-working, blackjack, a creative writing club, or is there a t.v. show you like to watch? One of the funnest things I did was join a sex in the city club, where once a month we would have a potluck, someone would tape all of the episodes from that month, and we'd have wine, food, and enjoy the show...

I know you're probably not open to new ideas right at this moment, but just think about trying something new. Check the library, a garden shop, and your newspaper for things that are free...I know about money issues, too.

We are all here with you (didn't you see how fast people have responded?)!!!

zax

September 6, 2006
3:47 pm
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feelingfree
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Change your SN? Are you KIDDING?!
Of course you're scared of running into him.. who wouldn't be?! He put you thru he&&. His actions got you to the point of being physically sick. It hurt just seeing his car (and the missing plate- I caught that and I would be hurt too).. so it would hurt seeing him. Remember Strong, it's only been 3 months. Probably feels much longer. Before I came to these boards.. I had never been able to go NC for more than 3 months w/ex-N. It could be as simple as that.. the amount of time it's been. The 'finality' may be setting in. I know there is a part of me that still hopes the door will be reopened by him down the road. When I think 'this is IT, really IT' it saddens me.. again- because he was my 'escape'. Now I have to deal with my issues all by myself (healthier!)

I'm rambling.. just throwing some thoughts out there.. want you to know you are so NOT alone in how you're feeilng- and I wish we all could be there with you!

September 6, 2006
3:50 pm
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hi again, Strong

re the age thing. I will be 50 in Novemnber, and am one of the youner members in my choir. Many are 60+ and many retired. It's a labour choir, and though older, most of the people in it are still activists. There is a fee for participating, but it is based on income and no one is turned away for inability to pay.

I totally agree with you about the healing power of hearing sane voices. May you be surrounded by many, and raise yours in chorus.

hugs, kroika

September 6, 2006
3:57 pm
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feelingfree
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Strong~ you wrote:
I will feel bad (even though I know he is mentally ill and she will find out in time, herself). If he is NOT with another woman, I will still feel lousy because I am afraid of him SPEAKING OR NOT SPEAKING to me. Does that make sense?

YES, it does. Remember- we are recovering from our relationship with these toxic men. We are not 'recoverED'. We still have the fear that they will HURT US again.
Just as an addict is afraid of a drug/drink.. they know what that drug/drink has the capability to do to their lives.

Therefore- like the addict- we need to STEER CLEAR of any/all triggers.. which means (say it with me..)
NO CONTACT.

I promise you, this will pass and it's going to be ok!! No matter what.. NC. Anything else is ok 🙂

September 6, 2006
4:00 pm
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rosie888
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Strong,

I am so sorry you are having a bad day. I know what you are feeling.

You have been so kind to me and I am so thankful to you. Wish I could do something for you beside sending and wishing you my best.

September 6, 2006
4:11 pm
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tryin2smile
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"If it will encourage you to hear this, I have been "free" of his oppression for 10 weeks now. I can sleep again. My blood pressure is back to normal. The panic attacks (I had two which landed me in the hospital) have stopped. Life is getting peaceful and my wounded soul is HEALING. The freedom of not living around a controlling rage-aholic is sweet beyond words. It was well worth the struggle to break free. I, too, was unable to "leave" him. He raged and gave me the opportunity to step back, or I might still be trapped in that terrible nightmare."

I don't know if this will help or not, but I truely hope it does. This is what you said to me when I first came back to these threads for support. Try to remember what a terrible nightmare it was before you broke free. southgoingzax has some wonderful new hobby ideas! Hang in there. I know you can do this! You have helped me so much and I want you to know that you will be in my thoughts.

September 6, 2006
4:13 pm
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Honolulugal
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Strong,

The little red engine or caboose? I agree, I KNOW you can.

You know what I was thinking about at 3:00 a.m.? I was with this guy for 7-1/2 years through 23-odd breakups on his part. I expect to be all good after 3 months? Am I crazy?

It's like gaining weight over a period of a year and wanting to lose it in a month. Ain't gonna happen.

3 months, in the grand scheme of things, is the blink of an eye.

Being a hermit is just the worst thing I can think of. At least I'm in a city with lots of resources and more than a few friends. I guess you have to get creative in your search for new pursuits. At least you've mastered the computer! If you're going to stay in, maybe you can find some fun groups to hang with...preferably OUT of your house.

I feel for you because I feel the same thing. If I KNEW I was going to see my ex, I'd be physically ill.

I do recall with my ex-ex-ex, that after he broke up with me and started calling all the time 1 yr later, I was curious about him but had NO trouble with NC. He called for 2 years and I never answered or returned any calls. Was too scared of my reaction to him. He broke my heart but GOOD. And still, THAT was a bloody piece of cake compared to this.

Just remember, in the dark hours, it's really good for the rest of us to know that the "Great and Powerful Strong" has bad days, too!

Chin up, dearie!

H-gal

September 6, 2006
4:28 pm
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doubleloss
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i agree with feeling free, we are not recoverED yet, so the sadness is normal, the panic is normal, but maybe now it's time for you to take the next step in your efforts to heal and that is to start to get out and rebuilding your life.
Volunteer work can do wonders and at least a couple of just pure for the joy of it fun things to do! surround yourself with positive people, all will gain, you from them and them to have you around.
big hughs to you strong, feel what you need to feel, you're loved, remember that. (((((strong)))))

September 6, 2006
4:30 pm
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Hi Strong

Some days are worse than others, arent they? And the bad ones are unpredictable. Just when you think you've moved ahead, there you are having those obsessive thoughts again. That is what I call them: "obsessive thoughts"...I don't want my ex back, he's useless to me, and he's heavily involved with drugs, alcohol, and a young woman. Still, it hurts, sometimes more than others. You are not alone, although it sure feels like it sometimes.

I am one of thos outwardly together people, too...I bet a lot of us codependents are; we are highly motivated people. It's like a joke, or a big lie...I am not outgoing, either and spend too much time alone. I would like a relationship, too, but I think of this really bad time as just that: a really difficult time which will get better and I will feel better. The heartache is gone, just a small empty void where trust used to live. We will learn to trust again, maybe your purpose now in life is to raise your child and enjoy his time at home.

I hope you feel better.

SO

September 6, 2006
4:47 pm
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StronginHim77
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All of you are awesome! I am so amazed at the (rapid) outpouring of support and encouragement. Bless you ALL!! [feeling, south, tryin, rosie, double, Kroika, Honolulugal & Startingover]

tryin - I am so totally touched (and tickled) by the way you quote ME back to myself! Hilarious! How quickly we forget how far we have come!

I would not return to the nightmare of being that man's partner for anything. My very sanity...my HEALTH...was compromised by his craziness and cruelty.

OK, girlfriends...one final question: I miss going to that wonderful place where they have ballroom dancing for my (ahem) age group. All he does is hang onto the bar and get smashed. Do you think I would be OK to try going back there? The staff is very kind to me there and alot of the "regulars" know he is a problem person, I think. Once, when he was sulking and avoiding me, I walked in there with my girlfriend and he paid his check, bolted and FLED. Like a kid. I am wondering if he would bolt and leave, if I had the guts to walk in again and "reclaim my turf." I truly miss being there and having an opportunity to dance.

What do you think?

And yes...I AM afraid of seeing him, but I would chance it, if I knew he would bolt & run again. That would mean I have more power in this mess than I thought I did.

- Strong(er)

September 6, 2006
4:58 pm
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Honolulugal
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Strong,

I'm sure many here will disagree, but I felt much better when I bearded my ex "in his den" as it were. I'm a bit bullheaded this way and have always been with exes. If someplace we went (used to go) is on "their turf", it's verboten for me to visit. If it was our turf, however, I will not be "walked off the sidewalk".

I simply will NOT be driven away from a place I enjoy and friends that I enjoy. He was made to see that I had value, too - more than he did. Maybe this is a bit childish, but it's also the truth. All our friends were delighted to see me. It was a big win for me without having anything much to do with him, except for his presence.

I suggest this ONLY if you are ready for things to go the opposite way you imagine and for him to approach you. He may not, but then he may. You must be prepared. If you make it out and go back again and again, the ill feelings will die and the real new you will fly.

I also suggest this because dancing is something you dearly love (me too!) and there appear to be limited venues in your town and surroundings. Perhaps, JUST perhaps, you will see him with new eyes? Just tossing it out there.

You and your heart and mind must decide in the end. Don't even think about risking it til you're ready.

H.

September 6, 2006
5:20 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Strong,

I'm sorry that you are struggling today. I understand how you are feeling. Somedays I am fine. I feel strong and don't think too much and look forward to my "new" life. Other days I miss him. I obsess about the "what if's" and feel overwhelmed by the idea of our relationship being REALLY over and NEVER being with him again. It is hard. And it is normal.

What we are doing is going through the grief process. It is a loss, even in my case where I broke up with him....it is still a loss and it hurts. Even when it is the best thing for us....it still hurts.

Unfortunately, there is no way around it....we must go through it. The best suggestion I can give is to allow yourself to "feel your feelings"...whatever they may be.

Just like the good and happy times come and go, so do the bad and painful. And you are right....this too, will pass.

My support and a big hug go out to you (((((((((Strong))))))))))).

Love,
Lolli

September 6, 2006
5:28 pm
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wazz
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Bless you, strong.

These are human thoughts.

I just logged into his numberplate, which was missing and I an so there. Ouch. Who says it's going to be easy - but three months? please don't stop now. Please don't go back. You told me a truth which hurt and I'm trying to deal wth it today...please strong, live up to your name now... you are all that.

It's OK to hurt, darling.

Wazz

September 6, 2006
5:33 pm
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lovinglife
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Strong just seen this thread after I posted to you over on the other one...

September 6, 2006
5:55 pm
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wazz
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deareat strong

funny when i placed my first thread about being involved with a married man , i cared what you thought.

I did.

and I am talking to you now as a sister, to say - come on! all those months...

darling, i cant go 24 hours, i try and weaken, you're doing it - please dob't stop now for all us people that havent got your strength of will.

Do it, baby.

Love...why do i care what you think - i dont know who u are, but i really do...

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