Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Hurting friendships-need advice please
June 12, 2006
5:04 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been hurting for 4 months concerning this. I finally told 3 co-workers about my past and they each shared theirs. We all cried and said that we would be there for each other, etc., etc. For the 1st time, I thought someone cared and would help me. I became too pushy about us getting together for fun times, etc. and all of a sudden I have been cut off when I had my suicidal thought night. Now they avoid me. I have detached myself to help them, yet I yearn for their friendship. I can't seem to get over the hurt. Oh,I work with these people daily! Please advise.

June 12, 2006
9:16 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel you are hurting very much. What do you mean by by suicidal thought night? You were cut off from those friends because of that? I have my own story about working daily with people who hurt me very much who I thought were my friends, so maybe I can help here as I do not work with them anymore. Can you explain further? If might take me a while to answer back after you explain as I am working right now, but will be off in about 45 minutes. Please, I would like to talk.

June 12, 2006
9:24 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks so much for answering. One night, a couple of us went out for a few drinks and somehow I began to feel ignored (happens all the time). I felt like I was invisible. Things got worse and I left. I stayed in my car and began counting some pills I had and wondered if I had enough. I just felt like no one truly cared and that people in general are all about themselves. I just felt that everyone, family and friends, would be better off without me. What held me back was guilt of my kids. I told them about it, because I scared myself to be so out of control. Basically, they felt uncomfortable and did not know how to handle it even though all have been abused to some degree which is why I thought they would understand. I now am really not trusting people and am very very lonely.

June 12, 2006
9:30 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am sorry this happened to you as trust is a big issue, especially when we pen up to others.

But no matter what our circumstances, I have learned the hard way; it is best to keep details of our lives separate from work... one, we go to work for work, not friendships. Friendships at work is a bonus.

Often revealing too much even with friends is dangerous, people have thier own lives to deal with their problems. becoming a sounding board to a friend takes a special person. and then at times that can be over balanced if we are the ones who do all the talking and not the listening. How much have your friends shared? Is it a good support system?

Your suicidal moment may have been just too much for them. They are not trained counselors either. That is why seeking counseling and or this site is helpful.

Sharing major life events at work such as a brak up or divorce is one thing, but the details of it? Taboo. Even within some freindships. Often it can bite you in the back side lateer, especially if the wrong person overhears detatils.

Other factors that may interfer with sharing personal life details can fudge up the workplace is when their is a promotin or discipline. It can be very cumbersome.

IMHO, best to leave office conversation geared to work and personal life out of it and vent and get insight from counseling.

My best to you,

Sew

June 12, 2006
9:34 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, yes it is great they care. Your key was your comment

"For the 1st time, I thought someone cared and would help me. I became too pushy ..." this is not thier "job" to help you. Again, they have thier lives, their problems too. We all do.

Take your friends what they have to offer; their frienship and support; not to solve problems.

But this is a great place to be at AAC!

Sew

June 12, 2006
9:55 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for your honesty,Sew. It makes sense and I am going to have to work on my ways. I don't know why but I yearn to be nurtured and cared for by people who are not even that type.

June 12, 2006
10:01 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I know I sounded a bit blunt, ggfred, but I knew of no other way of putting it. Office 'politics' can get so bad, that one sometimes has to leave that job.

Are you actively seeking counseling?

It helps being here too. We all have some real down moments at times. Spme people's are worse than others.

Reading heere is very insightful too.

My best to you,

Sew

June 12, 2006
10:01 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Sew,
You asked how much they shared? They actually told me their stories first. The problem now, I do work with them. I keep my distance, but stay friendly. But it hurts. I am such a wuss!

June 12, 2006
10:05 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Sew,
Yes, you were blunt, but I needed it. I just started counseling. Hate spending the money and don't like that it is going to take awhile.
Just started this online discussion for the 1st time in my life. I read so many people's stories; they all seem so much worse than mine.

June 12, 2006
10:05 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is okay to be a wuss. You probably are a very sensitive person and it is hard dealing with things. Get some reading material, like Codependency No More or attend a CODA meeting (just go to coda.com for a place in your area). Or Al-Anon is great.

I have confidence you will get there, wherever you need to be. You sound very caring and intelligent, so that is a bonus.

Sew

June 12, 2006
10:13 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It soens't matter how much worse than your story is. It is your story, your lefe that counts with you. Everyone is at a different level of self discovery and healing as yu will see reading further.

After awhile it will seem easy to give advice, but will be hard to take your own advice and live it. That is the hardest part! *smile*

Welcome to this site! And you are most welcome!

They shared their stories? But they may be at a place where it is "ok" with them and perhaps they are dealing with it better or have gotten further on than you have. It is great to share, but even with friends, it gets tiresome for them or hard for them. Unless of course you get lucky where you find a firend that you balance each other out. I have such a girlfriend and we can talk quite openly. It just happened, in the most unexpected place; we have the same humour and understanding and kindness and respect to each other. She is a great friend.

Sew

June 12, 2006
10:28 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ggfred,

Looks like in the meantime you found some great advise from Sewunique. I also learned my lesson the hard way as Sew stated. I no longer give up any personal details about my life but continue to be friendly. Honestly, this has caused another problem, people seem to want to probe me for more information about my life because I don't talk about everything as others do. I have actally had to tell someone "I really don't want to discuss it" when someone was asking about my divorce. I think it is rude and not professional at all. I now believe we are at work to do a job and like Sew said, true friendship is just a perk. (that is over a long period of time working with someone we find a true friend) Do not trust people right away, that is my problem. Too trusting. I have found that trust is earned and is worth waiting for. My story at my past job is way too long, so if you need to talk any more, I will check back.

June 12, 2006
10:31 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks again,
Yes, I am VERY sensitive, yet very caring. I just got the codependent book when my counselor suggested it. I didn't even think I was codependent. So, I have start AAC this weekend, started reading the book in between monthly counseling sessions.
I do hope I get lucky and find a friend like you did. Thanks again for all the advice.

June 12, 2006
10:36 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks care for writing,
Yes, Sew gave me some good, honest advice that I will try and heed. You say you are too trusting, I am not at all. I am off for the next month, so feel free to tell me your story.
Right now I feel so happy that you and Sew took the time to share. I am not used to this, but it feels good.

June 12, 2006
10:45 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

GGfred,

Think about this, I think if you were not trusting, you would not have shared all that has happened in your life with your coworkers. Or did you just mean now after what has happened you can't trust anyone? If that is the case, that is very understandable. That is why this site is so terrific, it is anonymous and you can say anything that you are feeling. Let me know what you think, OK?

June 12, 2006
10:50 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, I forgot, thank you for asking about me and my story and thank you about caring...we learn a lot about someone in a very short period of time don't we? Keep positive, you sound like a kind and intelligent person to Me! Maybe I can tell you part of my story another time OK? I'll have to try and think of a condensed way to tell you about it, believe me, it is very long.

June 12, 2006
10:51 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Care,

You certainly gave great advice! I am not on this board that much anymore, so you two share!!!

Sew

June 12, 2006
10:53 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I only told them because we had been drinking and they prodded me that something had to be up with me. I have been working here for 2 years and had kept basically to myself, but I just had this need for help and care and it all came blurting out. Since all this has happened, I have "detached" (like it says in the book), but it hurts.

June 12, 2006
10:57 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ouch! Drinking doesn't help and they seem they were just being inquisitive (nosey) and so they got you to open up. Just be careful that if you said something like "I am depressed or take anti anxiety meds or seeking a counselor", they do not turn it around on you. Especially if you have a bad day at work, they can say it is because she.....blah blah blah.

Those are three things that can bite you and really is no ones business but your own.

Care should have more to share, I can feel it.

Sew

June 12, 2006
10:59 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Okay, Everything you and care are saying is helping. BUT, what do I do now that it is done. I really care for these co-workers, but I am trying to keep a distance.

June 12, 2006
11:01 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, I see, that is terrible how you've been treated after caring that much and divulging your personal troubles. Just don't give in to any more prodding in the future, that is what I learned. If it helps any, do your job to the best of your ability and slowly the pain will lessen. It may not completely go away, but it will lessen. If it doesn't would you ever think of getting a new position? I know now because of the pain it would be hard for you to job hunt, but would this be a possibility? What exactly does the book say about detaching? I am just interested in what it has to say. Could you let me know?

June 12, 2006
11:08 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No way to change jobs; long story, plus I love this job. The book is Codependent No More. It said, "Ideally, detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person OR problem in love. It is based on the premise that each person is responsible for himself; hey, that's what Sew said. We can't solve problems that aren't ours to solve. Hope this helps. THANKS again.

June 12, 2006
11:19 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks, now I understand. I have never read a book about codependency although I know a bit about it. If it helps at all, I do feel your pain, really. Do you think maybe over time things at work might change? Is there even one person you can be friendly with? or someone new you could maybe strike up a relationship with? Does anyone at all talk to you? Just trying to get a handle on the total situation to help you out.

June 12, 2006
11:32 pm
Avatar
ggfred4
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The reason I got the book was because my counselor suggested it. I didn't think I was codependent, but I am trying the book. There is one person who has been very nice to me and I so afraid I am going to screw that up too. Yes, people talk to me; really, the people are nice and friendly.

June 12, 2006
11:41 pm
Avatar
Careverymuch
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are very lucky that that one person is very nice and talking to you and people are friendly. Believe in your self that you won't screw up with that one person and you probably won't. In my situation, the people at my work stopped talking to me, people that I had socalized with, ate lunch with, etc. I mean no one spoke at all. It was a group effort. I would come in the morning and say good morning and they would keep their heads down and would not speak or be friendly, they would only speak if it pertained to the work. There were points I contemplated suicide over this, but there is much more that happened too. What is it you think you might do that would screw things up with this other co-worker?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
34
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111001
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714291
Newest Members:
Castano, Yourheart, Aaradhya, tecnhog, Fijirald, Welds
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information