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Hurting all over again!
October 8, 2006
10:14 pm
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hurtone1
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Well I am a first time poster and I ran across this site so I thought I would give it a shot. I don't really know where to begin cause I am so confused right now.

I had a girlfriend and we lived together for about a year. She has 2 daughters 6 and 4. I have a 17 year old daughter that is with me every other weekend. me and my exgirlfriend now. we used to fight some over my daughter. really it was pretty much the only time we would ever fight when my daughter was involved. I took it that she never wanted me to do anything for my daughter unless it was on my weekend to have her. everytime the phone would ring and if it was my daughter I could see her change like flipping a switch.

Other than that we were so great together. like if my daughter was with us and she woould come and say that she needed her nails done for her prom and then my exGF said that it should come out of my child support. I told her I didn't mind helping her do things and that she is my daughter and I am going to help her when I can. things like that got to me.

What really got it to the breaking point is we were at the ballpark on evening cause her 6 year old played softball. I got a phone call from my exwife and said that she was in another town and she just got off work. my daughter was at work just 2 miles from the ballpark. my exwife told me that my daughter was a work and forgot to take her money and she was fixing to go on break and she wanted to get something to eat and ask me if I could run her a few dollars by there. I told her I would and the whole time my exGF was listening to every word and wanted to know what was going on so I told her. she started in cursing a little saying no way. let her eat stale french fries or something and do without. said she needed to learn some responsibility and it would be taking away from her time. well, I couldn't take her doing that so I left and I took my daughter a few dollars.

So we all had a big brawl from that and we had a 4 way conversation on the phone one night. me, my GF. exwife, and my daughter. and my GF and my daughter were having it out and she said she wasn't coming back there no more and I couldn't blame her.

I started looking for a place cause I wasn't going to let her do that to my daughter and especially if she wasn't coming back there anymore. so I moved out one weekend while she was gone to her parents. she begged me to not do it but we kept getting into it over my daughter and I couldn't take it anymore. she had one story and I had another.

it has been 4 months since I moved out and I haven't seen her in 3 of them months. she went into some depression and on medicine for it but never seemed to help her. she ends up having to go back cause its not working and they give her something else. she lost a lot of weight cause she doesn't eat much. she said she was to hurt and still hurts over me moving. I can understand that cause we were so much in love. I was very hurt to and always thought about her and what would have been if we were still together.

I was at work the other day and I got a text message from her wanting my email address at home so i give it to her. I get home I check my mail and she said she just wanted to know how I was doing and what i have been up to. she would send me messages the first month I was gone telling me how much she missed me and wish we could work it out. anyway, one thing led to another we told each other how we been doing and started telling what all we missed about each other and wished it never happen.

we sent a few emails back and forth talking about how we messed up and how much she missed me and how much she still loved me. telling me she would marry me today if it would bring me home. and it really started messing with my head cause I really do love her like I have loved no other. we were so good together. always had a great time and loved everything about the other. so we talked on the phone a while and we got along great. just like before it all happen. so things are going good a couple of days with her sending me text messages telling me how much she missed me and wanted us to work and so did I. I would tell her all the same things . what I missed about her and how much I loved her and how good we were together.

we talked about getting back together and giving it another try but I had to do some talking to my daughter to try to get her to understand and they were going to have to try to come to an understanding. she was so ready for us to do something but then she started telling me that she was still hurt and has that doubt there that it would happen again. and I would tell her that we would just have to work on it one day at a time and take it slow. she wanted so much for us to work but after a few day went by the more she pulled away from wanting to do anything.

she started not responding to me or wouldn't take my calls and said she was just to hurt and needed to fix hersely before she wanted to try to make us work again and it was really bothering me as to why. she is the one called me telling me how much she missed us and how she wish it never happen. and we were tryng to start to fix it and she started to pull away. I was begging her by this point that we could make it work and nothing would happen to us like this again and we could be so happy. we just needed to srtaighten things out but the more I tried the more she would avoid me. all of this is happening in less than a week.

I would send her messages wanting to know why she was doing this and she was the one that contacted me and telling me how much she missed me and wish it never had happen. now she tells me she just don't think it would work and wanted me to leave her alone. I would have to send her about 10 messages to get her to send me one. I was begging her to work it out by this point and the more I wanted it the more she pulled away from me. she is the one that wanted us to work and when I decided we may could che started pulling away. she told me she had to sort it out and fix herself first. I told her the reason she was hurting is cause we were not together and we could fix some of the pain and work on it a day at a time. she would say no she needed her space.

she told me that her heart just was not there no more and wanted to move on with her life and wanted me to move on with mine. all of this in about 3 days. how can you tell someone 3 days ago how much you miss everything about them and how much you love tham and then all of a sudden say your heart is not there anymore and want to move on. we didn't even get to see one another. I begged her and begged her for us to work it out but she keeps saying no and for me to leave her alone that she was sorry she called me and she was seeing someone else now and she was happy with him. I don't know if she is seeing anyone or not. I was thinking she was just telling me she was seeing someone to try to get me to leave her alone. I begged and begged. called and called but no responce. the only responces I get is her telling me no and to give her space. she is the one that wanted it. just as much as I did and when I decided we could make it work she backed off and getting more distance. I don't know whats wrong or what to do.

all the pain that I had when I moved is back and it is stronger than ever! I love her with all my heart and she loved me with all of her's. 2 days ago she was telling me she loved me so much and she missed everything about me and what we did. now she tells me to leaver her alons that her heart is not in it anymore. why is she acting like this?? I am so so hurting again! and lost on what i need to do!

October 9, 2006
12:14 am
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needtoheal
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i have identified with a lot of your feelings... it is the push and pull effect that can drive us crazy.. this is what is happening to me and my boyfriend...

October 9, 2006
12:20 am
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Randomwomen2
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To me it sounds like she was hoping that your daughter was out of the picture. I commend you for being that daddy to your daughter. Its not like you were going everyday to bring her lunch. Your girlfriend has to know that your daughter comes first and thats the way it should be. Even though it hurts I think that you should move on. You arnt going to get her back by continuing to e mail her. She has a lot of issues that she needs to work through give it some time hunny and move on and if it was ment to be you will find eachother again later but not until its time.

October 9, 2006
12:30 am
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startingover
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Oh dear...what ever could have made her contact you again to do this? I don't understand...it seems to be one of the awful things these manipulative people do. I once asked my now-ex why the push and pull stuff, he seemed surprised because his was not so obvious, and said "I don't know". It may be a game, it may be cruelty, she may not know what the hell she wants, and I am wondering, too, about the intensity of yours; the multiple phone calls, texts, e-mails. I have to tell you that those behaviors would scare me and turn me off.

Can you try "no contact". See the No Contact thread. I haven't posted there for awhile, but it seems to be the ket to success for a lot of us...it allows you to regain control by setting small goals, one day at a time.

This is a really hard time for you, I am so sorry. Write back, would be glad to talk to you.

SO

October 9, 2006
12:36 am
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lovinglife
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I agree with RW that it sounds like xgf was hoping your daughter was out of the picture. I too commend you for being the Dad that you are to your daughter...when I was reading your story I was like - "You go Dad!"...it didn't sound like your daughter was having unreasonable expectations but that the exgf had them as well as xgf kinda being on the selfish side. I've heard of that happening with gf's being jealous over the relationhip Dad's have with their daughters. Guess us woman feel we should be number one no matter what and feel threatend by any other female - pretty sad. You did the right thing- totally. The issues were with exgf.

And yes, the hurt of losing someone we love...many of us here are very fimiliar with the pain...all I can say is that I'm sorry that you had to go through the pain twice. ouch. I myself just finished up the letting go - never thought I'd see the day - but I made it through hopefully stronger and wiser because it's something I don't ever want to feel again. Keep posting in here, many can relate to what your feeling and going through. ((hurtone1))

And oh, as far as what you can do now...first thing is probaly not stay in contact with her- another thing many of us are fimiliar with.

October 10, 2006
12:41 am
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hurtone1
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Thanks for the support everyone. really does mean a lot. It is so hard not to contact her. I messaged her a few times today. all I want to know is why? she doesn't give me an answer. she just wants me to leave her alone. she said she thought her feelings would still be there for me if she talked to me and seen me. she didn't never see me and we just talked a few times but it was all ok at first. she still felt the same as when I left but then all of a sudden she changed. so I told her to never ever text me or email me or call me ever again. It is still hard but I am not going to mess with her anymore.

About her and my daughter, she always wanted me to make my daughter accept her and her kids like they were her family. I told her that she would have to do that in time and on her on. she said she made her kids accept me. I told her yeah, your kids are 6 and 4. mine is 17 and a big age difference there.

October 10, 2006
1:13 pm
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atalose
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Hurtone1,
I am sorry you are going through this, it does sound like your gf was jealous of your daughter and I'm sure that was never going to change. She sounded controlling in your relationship with your daughter and you didn't allow that, what a great dad, you should be so proud you put your daughter first, and that's the right thing to do.
Your gf was being manipulative by contacting you and saying all those things she did. Why she did that, who knows, and you may never know the answer to that one. I would go into NO CONTACT mode, as hard as that is, the more you keep attempting to contact her, the more hurt you are bringing to yourself.
I know you love her and I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but if she was so jealous of your daughter, if she was manipulative, then maybe it's good thing it's over. What about all the wonderful things ahead in your daughters life that you wouldn't fully be able to enjoy because your gf would attempt to come between.
Please be proud that you put your daughter first, many woman out there would love that in a man instead of being jealous of it.
I have my 15 year old niece living with me because my brother put his gf/now wife before his own daughter.
When we end a relationship we tend to only view the good things we had and push all the bad stuff away or minimize it to focus only on the good. I'm sure when you give yourself time to fully be away from her, no contact, you will begin to realize a life with her would always be filled with her jeoulsy.
Many of us have been exactly where you are right now, hurt, sad and thinking you can never move on. You will and I promise it will be to something even better.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 10, 2006
1:35 pm
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Matteo
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In my view it really doesn't matter that much what was her reasoning behind her contacting you and then backing off like she did; seemingly no reason for either. I can relate to it from my personal experience, and all what I can say is that emotionally healthy people do not behave like this, love is not something ocean deep one day and totally gone the next day, it just doesn't work that way, unless a person has some deep issues, which often manifest themselves in suddenly changing very intense but totally opposite and short lived feelings and reactions. Please try to let it go if you can, because from what you've described, your emotional life might be more of a rollercoaster ride than caring and emotional stability and security if you were back with her. Perhaps she saves you now a lot of possible pain in the future; maybe sometimes its good to notice the empty half of the glass.

October 10, 2006
11:37 pm
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hurtone1
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Thanks to all of you for your support makes me feel so much better to read your responces. I am going in NO CONTACT MODE!! Never again will I let her hurt me like she has did this time. last time for me! Thanks again:)

October 11, 2006
9:04 am
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atalose
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Hurtone,

From my own experience, NO CONTACT is not so easy at times. At first our emotions are filled with anger and hurt. Then those feelings begin to subside and we start to view only the good times, the happy times, the times our ex's made us very happy and we tend to want to reach out to them again. Then the entire cycle repeats it's self. We get angry, hurt, etc. etc.
For me, I learned the hard way because I always acted on my emotions instead of logic. I would convince myself that it wasn't as bad as I though, I would reach out, he would respond but not in the way I wanted and would be hurt all over again.
Funny thing was, once I really did the full NO CONTACT, he was the one reaching out to me. That was a whole other situation I wrapped my mind around with thinking he missed me, he missed what we had, I played into his game, would respond only to get hurt all over again.
Hurtone, I did that for 2 years, I stayed in that sick cycle until I finaly accepted he was who he was and he was not going to change, nothing was going to change if I didn't change, if I didn't break that cycle.
I did, I would write letters to him, get all my anger out, of course never would mail them. I avoided places I knew he would be, I avoided talking about him with mutual friends and I finaly was able to move on in my life. I'm sharing my own experience in hopes you don't repeat some of my mistakes and bring further hurt to yourself. If only I had stuck with the NO CONTACT the first time, I would have saved myself so much hurt and pain.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 11, 2006
7:35 pm
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hurtone1
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I am going through what your talking about right now. all I can think about is the great times we had. I keep thinking about writing her a letter and letting my feelings out. Is that a bad idea or should I just let it go and move on and try not to think about it? I think I know the right answer but it is just so hard. coming here and letting my feelings out helps a lot because of all the great people that has responded in this tough time. I want to thank each and everyone of you for the help you have given me. I don't know why I just think I could change things by writing her a letter and letting her know what and how I feel but it may do more harm than good. maybe I should stay with the no contact. I don't know.

October 12, 2006
3:22 pm
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hurtone1
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would hand writing her a letter and mailing it to her to let her know all my feelings on the whole thing do any good or will it worsen things? I don't know what to do:(

October 12, 2006
3:55 pm
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atalose
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hurtone1

Go ahead and write or type a letter to her, get out all your feelings, write everything that you are feeling.
THEN DON'T SEND IT OR MAIL IT !!!!

It's not going to change anything, but you writing it all out might help you. I did that and put the letters away in a box. When I went through them, I had grieved the relationship and when I read them my first though was " O dear g-- what was I thinking" then I had a good laugh and thanked myself very much that I never sent them.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 12, 2006
6:04 pm
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hurtone1
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I think she knows my feelings I have told her so many times. I guess I just think it will change something which it probably wouldn't do any good. I think my best bet is to just let it go and get on with my life. just very difficult to do sometimes. I wish she never got in touch with me and I hope she never does again. but, at times I wish she would call. just mixed feelings. but it helps coming on here and letting it out because of the great people that know where I am coming from...thanks!

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