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HSB's No Contact Saga
February 7, 2006
3:49 pm
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Cjazz
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HSB, write to us instead, Write us what you would write him, then write us what you think he would replay back. Visualize evrything here that you would see in his repsonse. Get it out girl, you can do it without contacting him. Contact us instead, you will feel better after you get past this bump in the road. I promise you will<:-)

February 8, 2006
9:01 am
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HSB...

It's usually a bad sign when you don't post here for an extended period of time. It appears that you didn't check in at all yesterday. What's going on??? Did you (or he) make contact? I could see your defenses breaking down on the 6th. I feared that an e-mail was imminent.

How are you feeling?

TC

February 8, 2006
9:53 am
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Cjazz
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HSB, if it's of any help to you. I really feel like contacting her today. I am feeling very sad over everything and I am missing her a lot this morning. I will stand my ground though because I know these feelings will pass after a while. I have to remember even though she wants to see me, it is not good for her either. We both need this seperation whether or not she admits it, which she wouldn't. She's a clinical social worker and I think she may be somewhat narcisistic. I don't know, I'm not a professional on these things, I only read stuff about it this morning. Anyway, I am thinking about you and hoping you are doing well.

February 8, 2006
10:22 am
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taj64
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HSB, how are you doing? Are you hanging in there. No matter what is up or down, I hope you are ok and that you write soon, missing you - TAJ64

February 8, 2006
8:53 pm
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Cjazz
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Hello HSB, we're here for you when you want to talk. No matter which way you went we're still here for you. Do not feel guilty if you contacted him. That stuff happens. I went up to my ex's office yesterday and it was good for me. I wanted to see her before I went up there but after I got there I felt the opposite. I told myself I really didn't want to be in that place anymore. I think that was a huge step for me.
I still feel that way today. Tomorrow may bring some other feelings but today is all I am concerned with.
I so hope you are all right, we miss hearing from you.

February 9, 2006
10:32 am
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HSB... Where are you??? What's going on??? We are concerned. Please post soon.

TC

February 9, 2006
12:59 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hello everyone,

Sorry I haven't posted. I'm just so down on myself lately, I really don't know what to say anymore.

Yes, I send him a one-line email 2 days ago.....did he respond? Yeah, eventually. What did I get from that? Nothing. It still left me feeling empty....that in itself is a good sign I suppose....usually whenever I hear from him I feel really, really good...temporarily of course.

I want to be able to just not think about him anymore. I want to get off the ride I'm on with him and just see him for what he really is - someone I used to have a relationship with and which has ended PERMANENTLY!!!!

I'll keep trying the no contact, but I know I'll write him again and I know he'll write me again too.

Maybe there is no end to this story for me. Maybe he'll always be around in one way or another...sigh

February 9, 2006
1:07 pm
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butterflybaby
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Ok so maybe he will be around in one way or another but the big thing here is for you to get on with your life. Don't let your day, week, month and so on focus around him and what he is doing/not doing or if you hear from him or if you don't. Try getting out there and doing something that you really enjoy. Try a new hobby. One thing I am trying is I am trying to do things that are new to me especially if they make me uncomfortable. If helps you face your fears. For example I am really shy..but last sunday I went to a superbowl party where I only knew one person. There I was forced to talk and meet other people and after I got over my nervousness it really wasn't that bad.

Try to just focus on what you want...what will make you happy and then go for it.

February 9, 2006
1:30 pm
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kc30
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Hurts

I'm not really that concerned about whether or not you are in contact with him. The part that bothers me is how much of your time and energy you put into this...how much of your day/week/month/year goes into obsessing, analyzing, hypothicizing and trying to figure out what HE is thinking, feeling or doing.

I have done this....given away all of my energy into something I can't control...trying to "figure out" another person. What a waste of a day! And to no productive end...it's not my job (nor is it humanly possible) to figure out someone else. It's my job to figure out myself.

And in the end, it turns out, that when I invested the energy into my life and figuring out what I was thinking, feeling and doing...to what I wanted....well, it turns out the thing I thought I wanted....the thing I analyzed and obsessed to insanity....well, I actually DON'T want it. Not just saying it either....the feelings that used to be there are long gone....I just didn't know it because I never took the time to focus on me- I was stuck and I see that in you now.

It's bigger than "I emailed him will he email me". This is about self-worth, building self-esteem, having a love affair with yourself...learning to fill the gaps that you think he can fill (because he can't, you know)

Based on my experiences, this is what I think (caution: opinionated post to follow!!)

I just don't believe this has anything to do with this guy....he's simply an escape from you...your life....from doing the work that needs to be done in order for you to be happy. He's a grand distraction that keeps you from focusing on your needs, from creating a life that is good and peaceful and brings you joy. You're the eternal victim in this relationship....setting yourself up for the inevitable letdown.

You're such a nice person, and you're scared....of changing, of letting go...at least this is familiar, right? Sure it hurts so bad...but you know what to expect, right?

I get that....and I don't know what the answer is for you. It's not about "no contact" though....it's about starting, and maintaining a good, healthy and loving relationship with YOURSELF. Who cares if you're writing to him, as long as you are taking care of YOU, and you are NOT allowing yourself to wear your victim hat.

You sound so down on yourself in your posts....maybe you could start working on that instead of thinking about him? Tell that voice in your head that puts you down to SHUT UP for awhile!

Say "Yes, I emailed him dammit, because I wanted to do it and I can do whatever I damn well want to. It's my life, and if it hurts well, shitty for me but it's pain at my own hand, and I can take it!!! Roar!!!!"

I hope this isn't harsh....I project myself into this situation, and accept that I could be way off base. This is all the stuff I've done and learned, and I've come out the other side to a whole new world.

Everyone gets there in their own time. I think we get there faster though, when we start taking responsibility for ourselves and our choices- not in a way that makes us a victim, but in a way that gives us permission to be good people who make bad choices sometimes. There's nothing wrong with you hurts...your existence isn't defined by this dude. He doens't have any magic cure that will make your life better.

I would bet you a million dollars that if he ever did come back and gave you everything you ever wanted from him, you would find yourself thinking "Shit...all those years of thinking of you, and I don't even want you!"

It happened to me. Go easy girl, and take control of this. It's your LIFE that's passing by while you beat yoruself up for sending an email!!!!!

lots of love

kc

February 9, 2006
1:57 pm
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butterflybaby
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Wow kc,

Well thank you so much for writing that email. Just reading what you said to her really helped me. I am in the same stich as her and what you said really struck a cord with me. You are so right...we need to start putting ourselves before these guys...start obessing about ourselves cuz we deserve it. That is something that I am going to try. Today I have been freaking out all day cuz I emailed my ex bf that I have still been seeing and told him I just want to be friends that I don't want us to get back together yet. Here I am obsessing over it and who knows if he has even got the email....I need to start thinking about me first and him second.

And HSB I am hear for you cuz I am in the same stich that you are in...so I feel for you.

Keep your head up...maybe just try smiling to yourself..it might help : )

February 9, 2006
2:04 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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kc - thank you very much for your insightful post.

I do have low self-esteem, and I doubt that I have EVER loved myself. I have a lot of work to do on myself, and maybe I am using him as an "escape mechanism" so that I don't have to do any of the work I need to do in order to be truly happy. I remember in the beginning of our relationship I was not THAT crazy about him at all. I used to be glad to head back home after spending the weekend with him....and now I can't live without him?????

I think that maybe I do need to focus just on ME for awhile. Thanks again for your post tc - it has made me want to take an honest look at myself. Maybe I'll figure this out afterall. I know I'll never stop trying 🙂

February 9, 2006
2:26 pm
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butterflybaby
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Well your last post sounds much more postive so that is a step in the right direction. And atleast you realize that you need to work on yourself..so now you just have to go ahead and tackle that! You can do it!!

: )

February 9, 2006
2:34 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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butterflybaby - thanks for the encouragement, but believe me, working on myself is not going to be an easy task. There's so much to deal with.

As for your situation, boy can I relate. Maybe you need to focus on yourself as well. As a matter of fact, I'm starting to think that focusing on anyone OTHER than yourself is a total waste of time. Afterall, what do we get for our trouble? Heartache, that's about it.

You sound pretty strong though, and I would bet that you can be stronger than you think, even if your ex b/f doesn't go for the "friendship" only scenario. You told him what you wanted and that's a good thing. The rest is up to him. Don't worry about telling him......it was the right thing to do. 🙂

February 9, 2006
2:35 pm
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Cjazz
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kc, I wish I had talked to you months ago. I am in the same situation as hsb, trying not to contact the ex. Trying to decide whether to be friends or just not have the contact. ot having the contact is hard to do, especially since I work with her. The point is I get to the point of almost freaking out with anxiety. I need to talk to someone and she was my best friend. I could always talk to her but now I don't know if it's healthy for me to do that.
I to have low self-esteem which I am working on. I have never loved myself and I don't even know who to go about doing that.
Your statements made perfect sense to me. Thank you for sharing that with us.
HSB, it's good that you are insightful enough to recognize what you need. Even though you contacted him you still have enough insight to know it is you that you need to take care of. Like kc said, who cares if you contacted him.

February 9, 2006
2:40 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks cjazz 🙂

kc has always been very good with her insight into my problems and I'm glad you benefited too. She's wonderful 🙂

I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your situation. Working with the person...wow...that's gotta be tough. Let me just say that if you are struggling with low self-esteem and you have other issues about loving yourself, it's going to be really tough to just remain friends. The "friendship" I supposedly have with my ex b/f is exactly what's keeping me hanging on.....just some food for thought.

February 9, 2006
2:45 pm
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butterflybaby
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HSB,

Thanks for letting me know what I did was ok. I am still freaking out over it cuz I am so afraid of losing him and part of that is cuz I know then I will def have to face myself...even though that is what I really want its still scary. And trust me I know working on yourself isn't easy. I am trying to do it also and its so much harder than anything else that I have done...and I left an abusive husband.

Cjazz,

From talkin to you in the past you sound like such a strong person. Just hang in there...but I agree with HSB that I don't think I could work with my ex cuz that would be so tuff. Is there anyway you can avoid her at work? If so that may be a good starting point. Like the rest of us we are really just need to focus on ourseleves even if we do still have contact with our ex's. We need to come first!!

February 10, 2006
8:34 pm
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Cjazz
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Thank you bbb, I know I am a strong person and I have made very good progress in a short amount of time.
It is difficult working with her, especially when they are together. I use to hide in my shop and only go out when I knew she was at a meeting. I also used to park in a different area so I wouldn't have to walk out and see her when we got off work.
Now, I figure I have to see her sometime anyway so why not get it over with. The more I see her the easier it will get. I even park in my old place now and guess what??? I feel much better about myself for doing so.
The thing I have to keep in mind is that no matter what she does, I am can not control it. It's when I try to contol the situation that I get myself into trouble.
I thank all of you for taking the time to listen to me.

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