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HOW YOU BECOME PREY TO A CHARMER/ABUSER PERSONALITY?
August 19, 2003
4:56 pm
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Anonymous
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Tracy,
I think you are stronger than you realize when dealing with the men in your life. I read what you wrote on the romantic love thread about your ex bf and I want that kind of passion in my relationship with my husband, but I also realize that that kind of love or passion isn't enough to keep a relationship grounded and growing strong. If communication and respect aren't there too then problems are naturally going to surface. I think you have a tender heart and some people will take advantage of that quality because they don't truly understand how someone can be that giving or that loving and not expect anything in return.
Love, TS

August 19, 2003
5:10 pm
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givewaytoomuch....I guess I need to clarifly myself here and say that - me mentioning this could be going on, no means meant - it's always the case.

I guess if someone is delving into the past to find an "excuse" for behavior, then of course this would be scapegoating and not looking for solutions and not taking responsibility for actions here and now. Agree.

But to look into one's history and see the patterns that were laid down - gives tremendous insight into the reason some people are stuck in those same patterns - today.

It's nice to spray weed kill on the top layer but if you don't get to the root of the problem, where it all got laid down that way, the problem is likely to resurface again and again.

One can focus on change and present behavior at the same time that they are looking into the past to see what it has to tell them. Much is written there that has contributed to where we are today. That is not the same thing as looking to "blame" someone. It's looking to find the truth and to use that to undo the lies that have laid hidden in us for so many years. I'd be glad to give you examples of what I mean if you are interested.

I'm not sure why you cringe at the fact that some people say certain people in their past who were horrifically abusive to them caused their problems. Maybe you could explain that a little bit more. I think I know what you mean here, just not sure.

But, I mean, if I go out and take a gun and blow someone's leg off with it - they won't have a leg anymore "because" I blew it off. Cause and effect. That's not to say that this person now has cause or justification to now go off and shoot someone else's leg off just because it happened to them or to say - I did it because it happened to me, therefore I'm not to blame, they are. You may be thinking along these lines. Is this what you mean?

And yes, if someone is looking to blame - instead of - taking responsibility for their own actions and doing what they can to help themselves - then that would be very wrong. Bull, as you say.

Behavioral changes are part of the process, but part of the process, too, is understanding what happened to you that you did not bring upon yourself, how you responded to that, what kind of damage happened, making people that did the abuse - accountable and then learning what you can do to help yourself and take charge of your own life. It's kinda like one dot connects to another dot and so on and so forth. Did I clarify anything or just make it clear as mud? (smile)

August 19, 2003
7:04 pm
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Anonymous
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No, I agree with much of what you all say. I just think that when being supportive, the person needs to be told to also look at the future more than in the past.

Excuse if I sounded rude. I didn't mean to, But I have run a support group for many years and so many dwell on the past instead of taking action. I deal with not taking action too, myself! But I am definately moving forward and not blaming a relative.

Sometimes parents just don't know any better at the time, and siblings don't understand the full situation of the past, so we don't want to harbor grudges either. I've seen so many carry hatred in their hearts, when it didnt have to be that way.

Forgiving is a big issue. Like I've told my kids before, hey, I've only been a parent once, I make mistakes too! They like that, and it helps them to not take things so damn seriously, to the point of messing them all up for life, for crying out loud.

Thanks for understanding what I meant. Yes, I agree, horrific abuse is one thing, I didnt use those words.

August 19, 2003
7:43 pm
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Earlier today I was feeling shame. A great thundercloud of shame. The discomfort prompted me to see what could be found on the topic over the internet. What a find this site is! To be sure, my shame was of my own doing because I compromised my values. I cannot even utter what act I commited, especially now that I have stepped back to consider the context of it. I shudder. Now, I am wondering at what juncture I took leave of my good judgment. Stupido! I was once employed as a DV counselor. And of course I recognized red flags, but until I read Ladeska's writing I had not realized how much I'd failed to assimilate the elements of the Control Wheel. Now, I have to consider whether or not to do an Erin Brochovich to have restored to me one linen dress, one linen jacket, one linen skirt, one rayon skirt, one bud vase and a TupperWare container plus two-weeks wages, and reimbursement for expenses related to the job. To do so will involve the credit card company, the Dept of Labor and Industries, maybe the Atty General's office but ultimately, the IRS. Aside from my time (and a hard slap to my self-respect) I'm out approximately $1200. Belive me, I know that is cheap. Had I not bolted from this man when I did (after just 60 days), it could have become very bad for me. Comments welcome.

August 19, 2003
11:28 pm
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amberbrd....well you're certainly welcome here! And glad you found us, glad we found you. Life is like that sometimes. I remember one of my favorite sayings, not sure who wrote it but it's - When a student is ready to learn, a teacher will appear! Well, you got alot of teachers here, that's for sure. Teaching from their own blood, sweat and tears. But, I guess that is the best kind, huh?

I think I can read between the lines here and almost afraid to ask because I see something very familiar about the pain fiber in your post.

One thing I'd suggest you do is get two books right away, or have someone get them for you and brought to where you are. "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck and "Without Conscience" by Dr. Robert Hare. In the psychology section, paperbacks.

Also you might put in "Malignant Narcissism" in the search engine and it should bring you to a website that will prove very enlightening to you.

So you have been used, abused and hung out to dry until the harpie can come back around for another feeding, huh? After you've bled appropriately that is.... I don't know why they do that, I guess it's more fun when you're in appropriate pain, confused, afraid and hoping you will depend upon them your tormentor to be their savior as well.

What you are no doubt dealing with is someone - without conscience, who studied you, spent time spinning the web, the trap and then carefully spun every part of you into an illicit system that now holds you, lest you move an inch one way or the other within a prison that says....with great price - you can gain your freedom. Ah yes.....know the markings well on your being. Can smell it a mile off.

Well.....just take a deep breath and talk. It seems that you need to. I think that once a person has come to a place where they are going to do the honorable thing, the best thing for them, it's not that I or anyone else gives them wonderful words of wisdom, but it's that you throw things up on the blackboard so that you can see them better and make the necessary healing potion for yourself.

That is really what counseling should be all about. And the way.......is somewhat tricky and treacherous, depending upon the particular brand of poison you've swallowed and what has you within their claws.

Take a deep breath and just write.... We're here.

August 20, 2003
12:06 pm
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Thank you Ladeska for your response. Ironically, as I logged out of the site and off the net last evening the phone rang and it was my former employer. He jibed and tacked the alcohol-induced rough waters of contrition, sadness, sincerity and self-pity. I was not moved, but determined to listen as he read a letter (if in fact there was a letter) describing the death of his son's family's pet dog. I think I was being allowed the intimacy of "witnessing" his sensitivity. That is part of the grooming, right? Please tell me why C.A.s go to such lengths. The energy, time and absurd behaviors -

August 20, 2003
1:23 pm
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Yea well, that's an interesting question, isn't it? The book "People of the Lie" is very good answering that one for you, somewhat anyways. You know, I could sit here and offer up this and that regarding this but all in all - it's not going to make alot of sense to you or anyone else because - it's just so "void". It doesn't make sense and it just seems so evil that you don't want to really look at it...thus the reason we try and paint it alot of other colors because it's sooo uncomfortable to look at in it's stark rawness. We look away and won't face the brutal reality as it takes form in front of us.

The anwers that Scott Peck puts forth in his book has many facets to it but one of them sticks out and it's the that - they will not be displeasing to themselves at all costs. A simple statement - but has many layers to it.

They will do alot of things to other people because of this. And they will spend tons of energy doing it. They will make "you" feel their pain, their guilt and do whatever labor in life for them as well and then they will kick you in the gut for allowing them to do that to you.

It's almost like people like this are another life form, a kind of alien being here that we just don't quite understand. We try to and we try to understand them by comparing them to us and what our inner code is and that is a very big mistake most of the time because the differences are radical. And as long as you keep saying well, I would do this or I would feel that - therefore - they must too........you will always and forever be - in their snare.

Until you can just plot down on the graph exactly what they DO - DO and not what you would do or how you would feel or how you wished they were or could be......only then - can you truly start seeing the REAL picture. And that's real tough, denial is strong. We get caught up in beating ourselves up, make-believing, running around in crazymaking circles chasing our tails. But it behooves us to go........okay..........all things aside here - what's really up here? What are the facts without all that other stuff attached to it, especially our expectations and assumptions. WHO is this person based upon their actions in life?

I hope you read those two books I suggested. They will help you more than you know to really answer alot of questions here.

April 22, 2010
9:20 am
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lollipop3
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Bumping up for Barefootgirl.

You can hit "view first post" at the top or "view all posts" to read the whole thread.

I hope this helps.

April 22, 2010
10:03 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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thank you lollipop3!

April 22, 2010
10:27 am
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Lanigirl
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I actually have this printed out at home but I think I need to read it more often. It is painful to read because each time I get something new out of it.

Thanks for posting it again.

April 22, 2010
10:29 am
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lollipop3
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You're both very welcome.

I remember the first time I read it. It actually felt like someone had just punched me in the stomach....

April 23, 2010
1:43 am
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this is a good article. i think it applys to women too. even women friends. i didnt' know it was here too. ive seen it before n im' wondering who wrote the original. iv'e seen it at http://www.city-data.com/forum.....-them.html

and here. http://cellar.org/showthread.php?t=11182. the latest oneis this one. http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.....-prey.html. i like it.

April 23, 2010
7:59 pm
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_anonymous
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This is an excellent thread.

April 24, 2010
7:09 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Sadly....its true. I just had to end a frienship and I cried all night. She told me that I take things too personally and that its not her fault she has been bleeses witg
A lot of friends. I had mentioned to her that I felt as if I was at the bottom of her list and the fact is that she does socialize a lot but when I asked her to come tomy home...we had a few dates set and she canccelled on me for no rtealreason and said well you did not ask me enough times
I am just done and feel as she stabbed my heart. I do not know if she is narcisstic...but she has some traits of this:(

April 24, 2010
7:11 am
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Sorry for typos I am trying to type on my blackberry

April 26, 2010
3:13 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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thanks for reposting this....

lolli - how you been???? how is married life treating you?

I am on my second semester in college - separated since august...and doing very well in school...can't wait to start nursing classes in the fall!

April 26, 2010
3:52 pm
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Well...look who the cat dragged in (as my mother used to say ūüôā

I'm doing very well thank you Rising...and how are you? I remember the last time I saw you here you had just separated and you were just about to start school if I remember correctly?

Married life for me is good. Still having difficulties with the ex's but I just try to ignore them the best I can. They are just too far gone for words and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I feel for the kids who are the real victims in the whole situation.

How do you like going to school? I'm a little stressed about it myself at the moment as I have a group presentation coming up (I hate those) but otherwise it's going well. I've still managed to keep my 4.0 thus far so that's a positive.

How are the bambino's?? Baby boy must be getting so big. And your daughter must be getting to be quite the young lady?

April 27, 2010
1:34 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Well, I actually need to go back and read the whole long thread myself.....because I KNOW i am in it alot.......Ladeska about brought me back to life and some other's here too....when I get the nerve to I am going to............it is where I first started on this site and now I can look back and see if I have actually learned anything......I was always scared to go back there....and find the thread but...today....I have already fallen victim again to cons......probably will be good for me.......so Thanks....horsefly

April 27, 2010
2:20 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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We are human and you know what? WE can do our best, no one is perfect, so what if we mess up and keep repeating mistakes, at least we know what they are that we need to do better, be gentle with yourself, you are human, no one is perfect.

April 27, 2010
3:02 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I seen traits of this type of personality in an exfriend of mine, but to say she is narcassitc well that would be wrong of me, I am not a therapist so I cant diagnose anyone, but I can pull things from this thread and see ocmmon patterns nad red flags, I think to be fair here, we all have SOME of these traits in us from to time to time, so how do you know for sure that is what your dealing with...I am pretty sure my friend this way, should I say exfriend...yes....I have come to the conclusion that I just don't like her anymore, she never was a good friend to me and she only called me when she FELT like it, things were always on HER terms and it was not a two way street, I could not count on her, she could count on me, I made sure of that, did what I could to be there and to be a good friend, but that was NEVER recipated, its not like I expected alot from her, gosh...I really deep down, really do greatly dislike her, she sugar coated a reponse to me to make herself look right and I was ALL wrong...I am so sick by it that I will not even respond to her letter, I want
NOTHING to do with her ever again.

April 28, 2010
8:46 am
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If a person is narcasstic...I have to agree here they are indeed a very dangerous person...they will do what they must in order to be in the center of attention....one person I am thinking of is Faye Dunaway, from the mommy dearest movie, she did not love those children..they were props for her to show off and to gain attentnion from, you can learn so much from that movie and I suggest anyone who wants to see what a living naracisstic in full action, to study her...she does not age very well, has triads and uses people to gain favor and admiration....a perfectionist at heart, things having to be smear proof as its a reflection on her superiority....

Very sad and very scary indeed.

April 29, 2010
11:05 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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This is for you southern bell, this is good, start with post one and read through, your see your friend here!

April 29, 2010
11:59 am
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southern bell
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wow...BFG...she is SOOOOO there!!!! for a minute, i seriously thought someone else actually might know her and be talking about the same person...

it brings me great comfort to know that i am not the only one who is or has gone through these feelings before.

in short....thank you....

April 29, 2010
2:01 pm
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Your welcomed...funny thing is if you put all these women and men in one room, they would all be at each others throats...would all be alike...ha!

June 8, 2012
7:37 pm
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blanket
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Author: Unknown

Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as Charmer/Abuser.

You need to view a charmer/abuser as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.

A charmer/abuser looks for victims with the following characteristics (just one will do):

  • low self-esteem,
  • a past with a lot of trauma,
  • neediness,
  • abusive parent(s),
  • fairy tale type thinking (i.e. - everyone has "some good" in them),
  • maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness¬†(to some degree...),
  • or a history of relationships with males that were abusive

They listen intently to you, as you, voluntarily tell them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams. They quickly assimilate from this what kind of camouflage to weave "for you". You basically tell them what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you... while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of "protector" and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning...

They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-man, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.

They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. Charmer/abuser's know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere.Charmer/abuser's know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And Charmer/abuser's know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be majorly disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.

He listens to what you tell him about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.

He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.

Charmer/Abuser's will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And... they do need you, for something (sex, money, fun, a place to live...). So, consequently, in their mind it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you.

Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal.

You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But... your projection, regardless of how much you believe it... doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale!

Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way.

A grown-up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.

You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.

Charmer/Abuser's need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soul-mate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial!

Think about this one very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator knows his victims very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.

Charmer/Abuser's do NOT respect you as as a person at all... BUT... they will go to great lengths to convince you that they do.

They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck.

Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time and THEY don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they want it!

They are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand." They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to how much she is needed by a man.

They are basically saying to you "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear... andCharmer/Abusers know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.
Charmer/Abusers hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.

Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.

They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way their hands are clean. You did their dirty work for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most said all that to say this...

Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.

If you see at anytime this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off.Charmer/Abusers are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them "a good reason. And they choose if the 'reason' is good enough. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title as you are leaving the relationship.

I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubber band is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean we want to be talked back into it.Charmer/Abusers are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one.

They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.

It's high time you learn how to live offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called Learning to live Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait for everything.

The person who is genuinely interested in you won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will... wait. If they don't do this and you jump... you are in for a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.

Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or ex was or should have been. They are what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it what it is. A lie.

Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes are fairy tales. Real villians can do much damage while wearing superman's cape. In fact they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back.

What is real and true and good for you will come by way of... you believing you have the right to choose and not be chosen.

Why? Because we still talk to them.We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all.

A person who respects you might ask for clarification to a degree, just so they understand you and then that's it. They have enough self-respect for themselves and for you to listen to what you said and think you meant it.

By your continuing need to engage with them tells them you don't mean a word you say when it comes to boundaries. It means nothing to them now. You may have barked at them, but that's about it. You're back in the ring trying to validate your assessment of things with the very person that did it to you in the first place.

So, you are putty in their hands simply because you walked back out onto the dance floor. Whatever respect you imagined them to have for you is now completely and absolutely gone. You are definitely "prey" to them now. And they toy with you at will, because you have given them that power over you.

They are putting a lot of trust in the fact that you do not trust your own judgement. If you need to constantly talk to them about why you thought this or that or got hurt about whatever they instantly know that you don't trust yourself. A confident woman would just call it and that would be the end of it. Some discussion would be allowed, but she would trust her own mind and her own feelings and would not feel compelled to get it validated from the direction those hurts came from in the first place.

That you would want validation from the very person that hurt you, that affirms you made a sound judgement? Hmmm... so, are we going to get that validation from this person? I would venture to say the odds of that happening are greatly stacked against you.

But, this goes back to why you look like such easy prey to them. So, if he has assumed the position and you have put a lot of trust in him early on - you are going to treat him like a father would be treated.

You will give him this respect and position of power and authority over you - because that is what your little girl that you used to be would do regarding the man in her life back then. And since you put this man in that super powerful position the hardest person in the world to convince that a mistake has been made is you, the victim. After all, they have "first chair" with us. We have to work it out, make it fit, or change it somehow.

What I want to know is how can someone who has known you for such a short time have enough clout and importance in your life to be allowed the right to speak louder and with more authority over the person who knows you best? And that person is you!

Charmer/Abusers will storm your gates in the beginning and in the end. They will initially storm your gates with quick flattery, comradery, and what looks like empathy. In the end they will storm your gates with insults, total disrespect and will look like someone you do not know at all. Because actually you don't. You only knew the facade, the lure.

They will hit your gates hard and heavy with whatever works - when you decide to walk away. If trying to get you to give them a computer printout on how you arrived at your conclusion and talking it to death doesn't work then they will storm your gates and bust every boundary as quickly as you can erect it

However, if they are not getting what they want they will hit you hard, but not forever. There are more fish in the sea. So, do not move your boundaries one inch. Say what you mean and mean what you say - consistently and absolutely and you don't owe anyone an explanation as to why.
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